Category: All Posts

Overcoming Fear and Doing What You Want to Do

posted 10th March 2010    Written by: Heather Rae    CATEGORY: All Posts, Heather Rae, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 2

I’m a worrier.  I worry about everything.  Really.

Tell me you have a dentist appointment next Tuesday at 2PM, and I’ll worry about it for you.  Who knows what would happen if I didn’t take on this duty? I wouldn’t want you to miss your appointment or anything.

So, as I think of my greatest challenge on this journey of mine, I could easily say that it’s my worrying.  Seriously, I’ve got to find a way to stop it already.

Of course, if I said that, I’d know it wasn’t true.  Well, not entirely.  Let me dig a little deeper.

What’s got me so anxious all the time?  Like — why does it matter if the bed isn’t made to my exact specifications each morning, if my bank account drops below some mythical minimum, if I’m not absolutely-exactly-precisely perfect at everything I do?  I could go on.  Perhaps I could impress you with my single handed ability to turn a tiny pebble into a boulder.

But I digress.  What I’m trying to get at is — why is it that I worry so much about everything?

And here’s where I get really honest with you.  This is the root of the root:  FEAR.

I don’t worry because it’s fun.  Or because it’s something to do and I’m just so incredibly bored that I need something useless to take up my time.  I worry because I’m afraid.  I’m afraid of failing.

With that confession, I’m not sure what else to say.  It’s one thing to pin-point the problem.  It’s an entirely different beast to actually do something about it.

And here’s the thing about fear.  It’s hard to overcome.

I think the best advice I can give myself, or anyone else for that matter, is simply to act.  Don’t let fear stop you from taking action, from doing what you most love, from doing what you dream about.

Take a deep breath, and look that fear in the eyes.  Tell your fear that it doesn’t win — not this time.  Then do exactly what it is you want, even though you’re afraid.

The only way I’ve ever succeeded at dealing with fear is by facing it.  Facing my fear doesn’t take the fear away.  It doesn’t magically make me confident or make me believe in my own unending powers. (Oh, how I wish it did.)  It does, however, help me to realize that fear should not be debilitating.

It helps me to see that I can do what I want and even be successful, in spite of fear.

Overcoming fear to experience a success, no matter how tiny, increases your self efficacy — your belief in yourself and your ability to accomplish the things you want.  The more you believe in yourself, the more you’ll be willing to face those fears, to take chances on the things that matter most to you.

So in the spirit overcoming fear, here’s my mantra for the week:

  1. In spite of fear, I choose to be authentically me.
  2. In spite of fear, I choose to share my writing with the world.
  3. In spite of fear, I choose to book that month-long, solo trip to Peru.
  4. In spite of fear, I choose to love.

What do you choose to do, in spite of fear?

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Are You There Bigger Picture? It’s Me, Nicole

posted 9th March 2010    Written by: Nicole Antoinette    CATEGORY: All Posts, Inspiration, Nicole Antoinette, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 2

I’ve been living in San Francisco and managing business operations for Shatterboxx Media for a little over two months now, and do you know what I’ve learned from our clients? That while it’s overwhelmingly hard to describe what you’re looking for, you sure as hell know it when you see it.

Jamie and I work through this process over and over, taking the verbal and turning it into the graphic, and it’s been fascinating for me to watch her transform a bullet pointed Word document into something vibrantly alive, because my mind just doesn’t work that way.

My mind likes two things, details and fantasies, and I have a hard time seeing through the fog that clouds my bigger picture. I’m confident in the small parts of my day, the minute-to-minute wants that are easily defined, the sentences that are short and declarative like “I’m craving French onion soup,” “I want sex,” or “I need 30 minutes to read and take a bath.”

But on any given day, it’s almost impossible for me to articulate my long-term goals.

I’m aware that my overarching dream is most frequently described by saying that “I want to, well, you know, live a sweet life and write and travel and stuff,” but I hit a wall when I push myself to get more specific than that. I loosely understand (and am passionately excited about) the things I want to achieve, like checking every item off my Life List, but the biggest challenge I’m facing right now is how to build a solid foundation that supports my wild and crazy dreams, a foundation that starts with flushing out exactly what those dreams really are in the first place.

Like a graphic design client who is all, “I have no idea, but I like purple! And bold typography! And kittens!” I’m vaguely familiar with what I want, but I feel like I’m running in frenzied circles trying to clarify everything enough to cattle-prod The Universe into making it happen, which leaves me feeling that in regard to my goals, I want everything and know nothing all at once.

Is there an easy button here? Can I buy a dream mapping vowel?

I don’t know, maybe I spend too much time focusing on what I don’t know when I should be focusing on what I do know, and for now, here’s what that is:

I know I want to be a writer with a big giant capital W, thoughtfully telling my stories and living my life out loud. I know I want to be a citizen of the world, traveling wherever I can, saying yes to newness while learning how to let it in without blurring my boundaries and losing myself.

I know I want to be a perpetual student, an open listener, and an unconditional support system for everyone who has gently reached down and pulled me out when I’ve gone tumbling down the rabbit hole. I know I want laughter and hilarity in unlimited quantities, because I know that’s the best way for me to leave each day better than I found it.

I know I want to inspire people to live up to the best possible version of themselves by being spontaneous and creative, honest and positive, confident and kind, hardworking and spiritually alive.

I know I want to learn to spend time in the silence more often, to listen without judgment, love as hard as I can, and then a little harder still, and I know that I want to shape my days around the overwhelming truth that what I put out there is what I’ll get back.

And maybe knowing all of that is enough for now.

photo credit: lululemon athletica

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Don’t Play it Safe. Be Bold.

posted 5th March 2010    Written by: Molly Hoyne    CATEGORY: All Posts, Inspiration

Do you want to play it safe?

“Research on the attributes that we associate with “being feminine” tells us that the most important qualities for women are: thin, nice, pretty. If you want to play it totally safe, you have to be willing to stay as small, quiet, and attractive as possible. “ -Brene Brown

I do not want to live my life playing it safe.  I don’t want to rest in conventional, content to rush about in a daze, checking errands off my to do list, putting in facetime where required, doing all the things expected of me.

Getting by, by giving up on life, is not my style.

Ladies, safe is not the new black.  I don’t want you to play it safe.

When we get too used to playing it safe–being small, quiet and attractive–we forget what it’s like to be out in the world, unencumbered and earnest.  We forget what it’s like to beat on our chest with a Tarzan yell and declare, “Today’s the day to break the rules!  To climb trees, write a poem, eat cherries, to live today as if it’s all I’ve got!”

To play is safe requires us to forget that we are overflowing with a unique life force.  Overflowing with dreams, and hopes, and an incredible capacity to love. It requires us to make our adventures and goals fit within society’s ruler of acceptable.

Playing safe takes away our opportunity to carve our place in the world. There’s a cosmic space that belongs only to us– it’s our unique contribution to the world– and safe doesn’t allow us to paint it with rainbows, to sing at the top of our lungs, to make millions in the service of others, to dance naked, or to take pride in our quirks.

Safe keeps those differences, those shimmering contributions, from ever emerging.

Safe makes us afraid to be big, bold, and unique.  Safe makes us forget what that would even look like.

Which leads me to this…

How Not to Play it Safe

We are a generation of educated, gutsy women who are capable of so many incredible contributions (from raising amazing children to creating art, from making a difference in our communities to starting businesses, from exploring the world to inspiring others) yet we spend so much of our energy on our outer appearance.

We don’t feel good enough unless we “look good enough.” And “looking good” requires being thin, stylish, pretty, and pulled together.  All of the time.  And seemingly without effort.

Reality check?  This is impossible.

Stop letting your outer appearance dictate how your feel about yourself, your life.  Stop striving for thin as if it’s the answer to everything.  Stop trying to fit in with whatever pretty happens to equal this year.

Be Big.  Be Unique.  Be YOU.

Strive for healthy, for strong, for capable. Love your body by fueling it properly and moving it and adorning it with fashion you love.   Celebrate your unique beauty, the bloodlines that connect you to each and every gorgeous woman in your family.

Deck yourself in sequins, in pinstriped suits, in cowboy boots, in sundresses, in rock tee-shirts—whatever it is that tickles your fancy. Dress for the woman you are, not the one you’re pretending to be.

Honor your reality.  Practice loving you, as is.

As far as being nice goes…  I’m all for kind, for loving, for rose-colored glasses and solving problems with honey.  But when nice starts equaling quiet, safe, small—it’s time to break out the bold.

You’re a woman.  You’ve got an opinion, a unique take on the world.  Make sure it’s heard.

Don’t play it safe.

You’re hurting yourself and those around you by agreeing with something that makes you want to pull your hair out.  You’re disrespecting yourself by constantly grinning and bearing it.  You’re giving up your power by biting your tongue.

There’s a time to be nice.  There’s a time to get your sass on.  There’s time to stand up for yourself no matter what the cost.  There’s even a time to pull the bitch card.

Don’t be afraid.  Be Bold.

Parting Words?

You are a woman, thin or thick, small or big.  You are a woman, pretty or unusual, attractive or unique.  You are a woman, nice or sassy, quiet or bold.

Wherever you fall on the spectrum, ladies, don’t play it safe.

This is your life.  Live it with all the guts, glory, and bravado you can muster.

Dive in.  Make it Count.

And don’t worry–you’re not alone.  I promise you, I’m doing the same.

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Choosing Happiness with the Magic Underwear Trick

posted 2nd March 2010    Written by: Nicole Antoinette    CATEGORY: All Posts, Nicole Antoinette, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 2

One of the main reasons I love personal blogs is that I’m fascinated with people’s private lives. I feel like how you act at home is the truest reflection of who you are, and I just can’t get enough of reading about other people’s lives and watching their video blogs and clicking on their Twitpics.

Which is to say, I’m Nicole and I’m a voyeur and I don’t care because it’s so fun and I just can’t help it and the internet makes it so damn easy.

You know what I love the most? The details.

Like, what do you and your husband have for dinner? Do you cuss a lot? What’s the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning? Do you like hiking on the weekends? What color are your walls? And on and on.

My home life, in case you’re just as much of a voyeuristic stalker, is a combination of Trader Joe’s and writing and Snuggies and a wood burning fire place and dancing on the counter to mashup music and wearing my hair in a side ponytail and watching stand up comedy online and I don’t have a husband but my roommate and I eat a lot of pasta for dinner and of course I cuss like crazy and I listen to Bedrock by Young Money when I first wake up and sure hiking sounds fun and my walls are like a sage-ish green.

I think that things like this, the details of our lives, reveal what our values are and what’s most important to us. How we spend our personal time is what defines us, and one of the most defining things about my home life right now (and therefore my life in general), is that I spend the majority of my time at home wearing nothing but a sports bra and boy short underwear.

I know that probably sounds totally bizarre and you’re all, “Wait, what?” but here’s the thing: it’s all about building confidence.

Overall, I think this small act has less to do with being almost naked and more to do with the fact that I’m really just trying to close the gap between who I am and who I want to be, and who I want to be is a woman who’s so overwhelmingly comfortable with her own body that feeling otherwise isn’t an option.

We all do things like this, right? Things that make us feel good and emphasize the fact that even if our over-scheduled lives try to make it otherwise, happiness is something that can’t be dispensable. And I really believe that happiness, the purest happiness, is completely self-defined and that all we need to do is figure out what makes us kick and then run with it, and run hard.

Happiness is a choice. Confidence is a choice.

And lately I’ve been choosing both by jumping around my apartment in my underwear while listening to live versions of John Mayer on YouTube, making tomato sauce, and checking myself out in the mirror. That’s how I’m choosing happiness, choosing confidence…

Your turn.

photo credit: Annie Mole

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Quarterlife Crisis Anyone?

posted 1st March 2010    Written by: Katie    CATEGORY: All Posts, Inspiration, Katie, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 2, What I've Learned

I’m the exception to every rule.

No, I’m serious. Every. Single. Rule.

As women, we are expected to be emotional, prepared, successful, happy creatures who know exactly what we want and how to get it. I don’t know who created these expectations, but I want them shot, or at least put through a super-scientific experiment where we inject their lives with the Quarterlife Crisis.

When I heard about Stratejoy, I was, I’d say, 430% skeptical. I had bought every self help book there is to buy from every bookstore on the east coast. I spent countless hours sitting in my room, reading through books that tried to tell me how to get out of the slump that I was in based on other people’s experiences.

I don’t know if it’s me, but relating to others who have nothing in common with me just doesn’t work.

Before I committed to doing the Stratejoy Joy Equation program, and long before I applied to be a guest blogger, I decided to look into it a little bit more. I wanted to find the loophole where it said that the program was not for me. Maybe it was just for professional women;  Or married women;  Or women who knew what they wanted; None of which described me at all.

So… I read a few of the blog posts by Molly and her group of  Season One bloggers.

At one point, I had to get up and walk away from my computer.  Who were these women? How did they know exactly how I was feeling? You mean, I’m not a freak of nature? It was in that moment that I was sold on the idea of giving the program a try. If nothing else, to prove Molly wrong. To prove that there was someone out there that this program wouldn’t work for.

It might sound like I was being a bit negative – and I was.

When you go through a bunch of disappointments in life,  you learn not to expect too much from anyone or anything. I didn’t want to expect a life changing experience from Stratejoy, not get it, and be eternally depressed that I am truly a freak of nature who can’t be helped.

But I did it.

Within 3 hours, I had my first e-mail from Molly. A welcoming ‘hello’ and the very first writing assignment. I buzzed right through it, and waiting patiently for the next day. It was one of the first few assignments that knocked me out of the water and changed the way I looked at things forever. I was asked to recall the last time I was truly happy, and to describe how I felt.

Easy, right? For most people, sure. But not for me, not the exception to the rule. I realized after 30 minutes of steady thought cramming that I wasn’t able to remember when I was happy. Or how I felt when I was happy. Or anything with the word happy in it. Except Happy Gilmore. Awesome movie.

It was in that moment that I made the realization that I don’t pay enough attention to the moments in which I’m happy, and I focus a lot on the negative. This was a powerful thing for me to realize, and since that revelation, I’ve focused a lot more on living in the moment and being totally open to all of my emotions, especially happiness.

And that realization came on the third or fourth day. I still had 20+ days to go.

The Stratejoy program was a month filled with laughter, tears, life decisions, and mending. All of my life questions weren’t answered at the end of the program, but I do feel like I know what I want next, and how I need to go about doing it.  I had made a new friend in Molly, who when she called me for our “Jam Session”, was easier to talk to than I had ever imagined.

The other day I was talking with a friend and we got to the game of “20 Questions”. He asked me what person inspired me most in 2010. I answered a proud, “Molly Hoyne. Because her Joy Equation helped me find myself underneath the years of pain, frustration, and fear. I now wake up and am excited to spend the day with myself. That says a lot for someone who hated her skin for years.”

He replied; “So really, your most inspiring person is yourself.”

Touche, Friend. Touche.

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