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Category: Life Lesson

The ABC’s of Self-Love: A is for Acceptance

[This is the very first post in The ABC's of Self-Love Blog Crawl + Treasure Hunt!  Find out more about what's happening and how YOU can win a FREE Fierce Love Course on February 21st.]

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“What if the question is not why am I so infrequently the person I really want to be, but why do I so infrequently want to be the person I really am?” -Oriah Mountain Dreamer

The very base of my self-love, of my willingness to adore myself, starts with acceptance.  It starts with truly being, loving, and accepting the person I really am.

It’s a work in progress, of course.

Some days I don’t want to accept my struggles as I interact with the world — those times when I’m caught up in busyness at the neglect of self-care, when I fail to follow through on commitments, when I lose patience with my husband.  Some days I’d like to ignore my personal weaknesses — my need for privacy, the fine line I toe between emotional IQ and manipulation, my dramatic sensitivity — and only show you the toned down shades of my shadow self.  Some days I fight wildly against the present — the hardships, the unknowns, the quest for freedom.

But can we practice self-love without accepting who we are? 

The simple answer is no.  Our self-love would be built on false ideals of who we’d like to be in the future, of who we imagine we might be if the world didn’t know our secrets.  We would dole out our self-love if only we made more money, lost more weight, made a bigger difference.

We would move forward in life trying to win our own approval with affirmations, awards, achievements.

Without acceptance, it wouldn’t be fierce self-love.  We’d be licking the whipped cream off the top and thinking we were tasting the entire key lime pie.

Navigating the balance between healthy striving to become the best version of myself and loving myself exactly as I am isn’t easy.

It’s fucking hard sometimes.

But I want to be the person I really am.   And that desire starts with acceptance.

Luckily, accepting who I am is more than embracing my (gorgeous, quirky, messy) imperfections. It’s also about celebrating my strengths, admiring my awesome, appreciating my honor.

I can adore my infectious smile, my work ethic, my overflowing affectation, my laser sharp memory for others’ stories and situations.  I can accept my shining glimpses of glory — having a breakthrough conversation, summiting a new mountain, simply getting to the magical inbox zero. I can be grateful for my desire to make a difference and my belief that people are good. I can revel in the present — the richness of love and support, the gifts of a growing family, the health of my body.

Acceptance isn’t handing the reigns of your live over to fate, but relishing the present moment. 

“When we put down ideas of what life should be like, we are free to wholeheartedly say yes to our life as it is.” -Tara Brach

Acceptance is both a call to respect the entire range of emotions we experience and a reminder that we are all doing the best we can in the moment.   We can open our eyes to the present, without worrying so much about the past and without so much anxiety about the future.

It doesn’t mean that we can’t grow, change, bloom or reinvent. Acceptance, as requisite for self-love, is a call for compassion, not an excuse for apathy.  Embracing of our whole self allows us to unfurl and feed our true desires from a steady base of honesty, clarity and self-love.

Self-love needs acceptance to put down roots. 

When we embrace the fullness of who we are — quirks, gifts, idiosyncrasies, strengths and all — we give ourselves permission to relax into our own lives.   A state of fierce, radical love for ourselves cannot be built with a pick and choose mentality.  We cannot celebrate pieces of our lives, while denying others.  There’s no eating the marshmallows and leaving the charms swimming in the milky bowl.

I think the question should be “In how many ways can I be myself?” 

And the answer?  The good, the bad, the pretty, and the ugly…

I can accept responsibility for my actions. I can accept that I am still discovering how to be the truest version of me in a world of pressure and hunger and strife.  I can accept that I’m whip-smart and ambitious. I can accept my desire to be validated.  I can accept the cellulite on my thighs, our undecorated bedroom, the sorry of collection of bras that actually fit right now, the state of my garage, and the fact that I’m incredibly behind on emails.  I can accept my amazing book collection, my loyalty, my craving for adrenaline, my strong beliefs in equality, and my love for my unborn son.

The answer I’m working up to?

I accept my life and myself, without shame, guilt or doubt, but with an open heart and joyful celebration.

All in the name of self-love, baby.

In how many ways can YOU be yourself?

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[This Blog Crawl of Self-Love is hosted by Molly Mahar of Stratejoy (that's me!). She believes in the transformational power of truly adoring ourselves (I do!).  Find out more about The ABC’s of Self Love Blog Crawl + Treasure Hunt here.]

5 Months Later, Signing Off

I can’t say I’m surprised these past five months writing for Stratejoy went by so quickly. In between writing every week was a whirlwind of activities and new things to experience, so time ran forward at an inexhaustible pace. We were asked to ponder how we’ve all changed in the last 5 months, and at first, I thought, “That is too short a time to change, so I haven’t!” But, I started looking deeper and realizing that the small progressions I’ve made in multiple areas of my life have indeed been changing me. When I set my goals the third week of this blogging season, I talked about my fears of setting goals, and how I would be happy if I even managed to stick with one. Let’s take a final tally and see how I did, shall we?

#1 Stick with ONE of these goals. (I did!)

#2 Further explore the concept of minimalism. (What is minimalism? Joshua and Ryan do a great job of explaining this concept here.) (I downsized most of the stuff in my apartment and just last week removed a few final loads of stuff to Goodwill. The apartment is more open, and I feel a hell of a lot lighter having embraced the philosophy of minimalism.)

#3 Get moving. This might involve FINALLY taking those yoga classes or just taking a walk every night. I’m lazy. I like the couch. What can I say? (I walk a lot at the zoo when the weather is nice, and I started taking yoga on a fairly regular basis. I ended up losing 10 pounds before Christmas.)

#4 Continue the quest for healthy eating. I’ve cut out most processed foods and eat meat only on occasion. I want to keep getting better at this. (Rob and I have become mostly vegan at home and part-time omnivores when out and about in the world. If we are eating animal products, we consider where it comes from and how much we’re ingesting. I’ve watched multiple documentaries and can honestly say I rarely ingest anything super-processed which has felt so good.)

#5 Fully embrace my Americorps experience. (What this means may come only with time spent in Americorps.) (I pretty much live at the zoo, so I think that counts!)

#6 Create a financial plan that works towards eliminating all of my credit card debt (Still working on this one…)

#7 Begin learning to play the guitar (I have THOUGHT about beginning to learn the guitar. That is as far as that has gotten, haha.)

5 of 7. I can deal with that, especially because I’ve seen the positive changes those 5 goals have had in my life. I’ve learned that goals don’t have to be scary and steps can be small. Even with goals in mind, however, I’ve ultimately learned that it is ok to live my life one day at a time, enjoy the experiences I’m having now, and it is ok NOT to be sure of the future if I’m going to ignore the blessings of the present.

I am thankful to Ashley, Dusti, Hannah, Kat, Kristen and Laurenne for sharing their powerful experiences with me and the rest of the community. I’ve learned so much from you all and found so many different perspectives as we’ve gone on this blogging journey together. A special thanks to Katie for her encouragement along the way and to Molly for allowing us all to share our stories with the incredible Stratejoy community.

Where can you find me from here on out? I’m not much of a blogger outside of Stratejoy, but I do tweet @elyse_lohrbach on Twitter. I’ll be continuing my work with the zoo and the Emery Theatre and really embracing some new truths I’ve learned about myself on this walk. I look forward to not knowing what is ahead as I stumble through life.  And as the famous JRR Tolkien once said, “Not all who wander are lost.”

So without further ado, continuing on into that mysterious horizon, this is Elyse signing off.

{Photo Credit: Bossco}

“The End of the Beginning”

Stratejoy Essay Contest – Finalist #1: Jesse Blayne

*This post is an entry in the 1st Annual Stratejoy Essay Contest.  Each day throughout the month of February, we will be featuring one of the 20 finalists writing their answer to the question: How do you live life on your own terms? On February 29th, we will open the voting to YOU, our community, to select the winner of the $500 prize.*

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I walked out of the doctor’s office and ran across the street to the drug store, where everyone knew me by name.  I was out of Pepcid.  I had a box in the bathroom, two in the kitchen cupboard, one in the office desk, and one under the car seat, but the box in my purse was empty.

I had made an appointment hoping to discover a name for this thing that caused me to go through antacids the way a nervous first-year college student goes through cigarettes.

The doctor ruled out pregnancy, gall bladder, Crohn’s, and a few others.

Two weeks prior, an internist came up with nothing.

Last month, I’d asked my OB-Gyn if it was typical to require a prescription in order to stay married.  She said, “Jesse, I think you know the answer.”

Today,  in the doctor’s sterile office with the posters advertising the benefits of a healthy lifestyle, I asked, “What now?  Do I live on Pepcid for the rest of my life?  Is this normal?”

He said, “Let me guess…  you are married to someone who never listens.”

I said, “Aren’t all your patients living with someone who doesn’t listen?  Why – in my case – does it result in a build up of acids from stress?”

“Jesse, you are sensitive.  You listen to your body. You know something isn’t right.  You are masking symptoms instead of addressing real issues.”

_____

From the outside, my life looked charmed.  I’d been married ten years to the owner of a successful business.  Financial security allowed me to stay home with our two healthy children.  I could work part time and make my kids a priority.

We had a nice home, decent cars and extra money for planting perennials in the Spring and skiing in the winter.

We ate dinner together every night and discussed his day.  He never asked of mine..

Newspapers were read.  Emails were answered.  After I read one more story and tucked in both kids, he and I would sit on opposite ends of the couch and watch TV.

The next day would be the same.

And so on.

Weeks piled up like so many empty Pepcid boxes.

I’d take a Pepcid on my way to bed, one in the morning and another before dinner.

If I had been a hoarder, we’d have side-stepped past mountainous piles of empty Pepcid boxes.  I’d have constructed mobiles with multi-colored embroidery floss and empty Pepcid boxes to hang above my babies’ cribs.

_____

One night, after dinner dishes were done and kids tucked in, I said, “Honey, I feel like taking a trip with the kids.  I know you can’t get away.  We could go see my brother and his family.  I can make the drive by myself.  The kids are old enough.  The kids could play with cousins, while I take long walks.  I’ll clear my head and discover what has me so stressed.”

He said, “You want to know what causes stress?  A long car ride with two little kids; staying at your brother’s house; and being away from me and our home – those things cause stress.”

I said, “I need to do this.  I need to get away to sort things out. Just a week. Then we’ll be back and see what kinds of plans you’ve made for the summer.”

_____
The next weekend I packed three backpacks, a DVD player, snacks, and two boxes of Pepcid.  We started a twelve hour trip to the West Coast.

As we crossed the Montana/Idaho border I sensed a shift – more like a release.  I felt a warm wave flow from my neck to my toes carrying all the tightness and tension out of my chest and stomach.

Was this real?  Could tension dissolve so quickly?

Shouldn’t I be more stressed while singly driving a car with two young kids for twelve hours?

We finished the drive, and the tension didn’t return.

Each morning, I’d wake and expect to feel the familiar tightness.

I talked to him on the phone only a couple times.  Normally, he was the type to call every night to make sure he was informed of all that we did – his way of controlling from afar.

I sensed a distance in his voice.  I didn’t care.  I couldn’t fix anything from here.

I noticed that not only had I not taken any Pepcid, I’d left the boxes in the car.

I asked him if we could stay another week. He wasn’t pleased, but he didn’t demand that we return.

The calls all but stopped.

I didn’t need to take long walks to figure out the cause of the stress.  Once the tightness dissolved, I could clearly feel and see the cause.

_____

On the return trip I told myself, “You are strong. You don’t have to let him get to you.  You don’t have to get stressed about this.”

I tried desperately to not let the tension come back.

As we crossed the Idaho/Montana border I felt it slowly return. It was as if a core that ran the length of my body began to solidify, starting in my toes.  It reached my chest when we were an hour from home.

As we pulled into the drive, I was gasping for breaths.

He came out to greet us, but something was different – in me.

I knew what I had to do.

Three weeks later the children and I moved out of his home.

_____

That was over five years ago.

Pepcid had masked the symptoms for years, allowing me to deal with the disconnect and loneliness that defined my marriage.

Now, I listen to how I feel and make choices that steer me away from stress.

I still have a box of Pepcid in the kitchen cupboard.  It’s a bit dusty from lack of use.  I keep it as a reminder of my old life.

Jesse Blayne. 

I started life anew at 44 with a 9 y o and a 4 y o.  In lieu of counseling, I started a blog.  Along the way I have learned that there are bucket loads of healing to be found in story telling.  When I’m not home schooling, I’m writing, connecting with friends, trying to come up with recipes to please three different tastes, skiing or pretending to have a green thumb.  

My biggest wish is to show my kids that a joyful, meaningful life can be lived on their own terms.

I can be found on Twitter: @jesseblayne or at survivingnarcissism.com 

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*This post is an entry in the 1st Annual Stratejoy Essay Contest.  Each day throughout the month of February, we will be featuring one of the 20 finalists writing their answer to the question: How do you live life on your own terms? On February 29th, we will open the voting to YOU, our community, to select the winner of the $500 prize.*

It’s not over until Molly says it’s over. Oh, so I guess it’s over.

AH! We’ve reached the end of five months. Time. Time. Time. It’s so strange. We grow and grow and change and stay the same. And then all of a sudden, it’s January.

Writing for Stratejoy has uncovered so much for me. It pushed me to write about my feelings in a way I haven’t before. This is HUGE for me and all the writing I’ll do for the rest of my life! Growth and emotions are really what matter, and I’ve learned that I LOVE exploring them through writing. Writing here has opened me up.

I adore this community. I can’t believe people survived without the internet. How did we find each other? It’s beautiful to know that we’re not alone in our journey, our strange thoughts, our loneliness, our brilliance, our revelations, our humanness.

Did I reach my goals? Let’s see. Like Hannah said, we don’t look different. I look the same, save for a few more wrinkles because I can’t figure out how to sleep on my back. Oh, but I had other goals. They were:

Go easy on myself I used to feel like I was a failure if I wasn’t the best. I remember doing a stand-up routine, making lots of people laugh, and then coming off stage thinking only about the one word I got wrong. It’s just how I’ve always been with myself. Of course I didn’t change overnight, but I am catching my inner voice when it’s mean to me. I don’t deserve that shit.

Trust I started with such anxiety because I didn’t trust myself or my colleagues. What a life! If you don’t trust anyone, you can spend some serious time WORRYING! About the present. About the future. About everything. But if you realize that nothing bad can happen ever because everything is a learning experience, then there’s nothing to worry about. I’m working on that. I have four performances coming up, and I haven’t yet worried too much about them, knowing I can’t control everything! Stupid control! You’re just an illusion.

Feel pretty After spending the last year in pajamas writing, I felt gross. I have been buying myself one clothing item I feel amazing in per month. I’ve been wearing my hair down. And I’ve been taking Flamenco classes to bring out my femininity! Slowly, I am feeling like a woman again. Phew. I might even paint my nails tonight… nah.

Connection My goal was to build a community and value my friends, and I have! I’ve played more board games in these past five months than in my childhood. To Park Place we go!

Get Romantical I went out on dates! I wore heels! And for three of these five months, I had a boyfriend! It was magical. He broke up with me the day before New Year’s Eve ‘to work on his screenplay’ (BARF! So LA.), but I enjoyed three wonderful months of lovey dovey feelings. I needed that.

Time I have realized that, while I love writing and there’s nothing I find more luxurious than a night on the couch with my computer and my words, the most important things in life are JOY and PEOPLE. And I have been putting them first more and more often. Phew. I was beginning to burn out.

Open Hmm… This meant I wanted to keep my schedule more open and not be so booked all the time. This one I’m still working on! Maybe I’ll plan to master this one later.

Step into my path These five months have been witness to a full existential crisis, chronicled here. But it’s over! I feel so much closer to what I want, and I can attribute that to writing out my truth on Stratejoy. It’s helped me think. It’s been my diary. It’s forced me to spit out my emotions weekly! And I love that feeling. So, even though the path I’ve chosen (writer!) is hard, I’m doing it. I’ve questioned it, but I’ve definitely spent these five months answering my questions. Ah. I LOVE ANSWERS.

Thank you guys for supporting me and reading the words I’ve spent time agonizing over. I love all of them and you. Don’t go away! You can find me on Facebook or on my blog, humans are funny. Or come to a Taboo Tales show!

[Photo credit: A friend! This was karaoke. Putting relationships first is fun.]

      

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