Category: Love/Relationships

The ABC’s of Self-Love: A is for Acceptance

posted 9th February 2012    Written by: Molly Mahar    CATEGORY: Inspiration, Life Lesson, Love/Relationships, Molly

[This is the very first post in The ABC's of Self-Love Blog Crawl + Treasure Hunt!  Find out more about what's happening and how YOU can win a FREE Fierce Love Course on February 21st.]

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“What if the question is not why am I so infrequently the person I really want to be, but why do I so infrequently want to be the person I really am?” -Oriah Mountain Dreamer

The very base of my self-love, of my willingness to adore myself, starts with acceptance.  It starts with truly being, loving, and accepting the person I really am.

It’s a work in progress, of course.

Some days I don’t want to accept my struggles as I interact with the world — those times when I’m caught up in busyness at the neglect of self-care, when I fail to follow through on commitments, when I lose patience with my husband.  Some days I’d like to ignore my personal weaknesses — my need for privacy, the fine line I toe between emotional IQ and manipulation, my dramatic sensitivity — and only show you the toned down shades of my shadow self.  Some days I fight wildly against the present — the hardships, the unknowns, the quest for freedom.

But can we practice self-love without accepting who we are? 

The simple answer is no.  Our self-love would be built on false ideals of who we’d like to be in the future, of who we imagine we might be if the world didn’t know our secrets.  We would dole out our self-love if only we made more money, lost more weight, made a bigger difference.

We would move forward in life trying to win our own approval with affirmations, awards, achievements.

Without acceptance, it wouldn’t be fierce self-love.  We’d be licking the whipped cream off the top and thinking we were tasting the entire key lime pie.

Navigating the balance between healthy striving to become the best version of myself and loving myself exactly as I am isn’t easy.

It’s fucking hard sometimes.

But I want to be the person I really am.   And that desire starts with acceptance.

Luckily, accepting who I am is more than embracing my (gorgeous, quirky, messy) imperfections. It’s also about celebrating my strengths, admiring my awesome, appreciating my honor.

I can adore my infectious smile, my work ethic, my overflowing affectation, my laser sharp memory for others’ stories and situations.  I can accept my shining glimpses of glory — having a breakthrough conversation, summiting a new mountain, simply getting to the magical inbox zero. I can be grateful for my desire to make a difference and my belief that people are good. I can revel in the present — the richness of love and support, the gifts of a growing family, the health of my body.

Acceptance isn’t handing the reigns of your live over to fate, but relishing the present moment. 

“When we put down ideas of what life should be like, we are free to wholeheartedly say yes to our life as it is.” -Tara Brach

Acceptance is both a call to respect the entire range of emotions we experience and a reminder that we are all doing the best we can in the moment.   We can open our eyes to the present, without worrying so much about the past and without so much anxiety about the future.

It doesn’t mean that we can’t grow, change, bloom or reinvent. Acceptance, as requisite for self-love, is a call for compassion, not an excuse for apathy.  Embracing of our whole self allows us to unfurl and feed our true desires from a steady base of honesty, clarity and self-love.

Self-love needs acceptance to put down roots. 

When we embrace the fullness of who we are — quirks, gifts, idiosyncrasies, strengths and all — we give ourselves permission to relax into our own lives.   A state of fierce, radical love for ourselves cannot be built with a pick and choose mentality.  We cannot celebrate pieces of our lives, while denying others.  There’s no eating the marshmallows and leaving the charms swimming in the milky bowl.

I think the question should be “In how many ways can I be myself?” 

And the answer?  The good, the bad, the pretty, and the ugly…

I can accept responsibility for my actions. I can accept that I am still discovering how to be the truest version of me in a world of pressure and hunger and strife.  I can accept that I’m whip-smart and ambitious. I can accept my desire to be validated.  I can accept the cellulite on my thighs, our undecorated bedroom, the sorry of collection of bras that actually fit right now, the state of my garage, and the fact that I’m incredibly behind on emails.  I can accept my amazing book collection, my loyalty, my craving for adrenaline, my strong beliefs in equality, and my love for my unborn son.

The answer I’m working up to?

I accept my life and myself, without shame, guilt or doubt, but with an open heart and joyful celebration.

All in the name of self-love, baby.

In how many ways can YOU be yourself?

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[This Blog Crawl of Self-Love is hosted by Molly Mahar of Stratejoy (that's me!). She believes in the transformational power of truly adoring ourselves (I do!).  Find out more about The ABC’s of Self Love Blog Crawl + Treasure Hunt here.]

 

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It’s not over until Molly says it’s over. Oh, so I guess it’s over.

posted 1st February 2012    Written by: Laurenne    CATEGORY: All Posts, Job/Career/Work, Laurenne, Life Lesson, Love/Relationships, Quarterlife Crisis

AH! We’ve reached the end of five months. Time. Time. Time. It’s so strange. We grow and grow and change and stay the same. And then all of a sudden, it’s January.

Writing for Stratejoy has uncovered so much for me. It pushed me to write about my feelings in a way I haven’t before. This is HUGE for me and all the writing I’ll do for the rest of my life! Growth and emotions are really what matter, and I’ve learned that I LOVE exploring them through writing. Writing here has opened me up.

I adore this community. I can’t believe people survived without the internet. How did we find each other? It’s beautiful to know that we’re not alone in our journey, our strange thoughts, our loneliness, our brilliance, our revelations, our humanness.

Did I reach my goals? Let’s see. Like Hannah said, we don’t look different. I look the same, save for a few more wrinkles because I can’t figure out how to sleep on my back. Oh, but I had other goals. They were:

Go easy on myself I used to feel like I was a failure if I wasn’t the best. I remember doing a stand-up routine, making lots of people laugh, and then coming off stage thinking only about the one word I got wrong. It’s just how I’ve always been with myself. Of course I didn’t change overnight, but I am catching my inner voice when it’s mean to me. I don’t deserve that shit.

Trust I started with such anxiety because I didn’t trust myself or my colleagues. What a life! If you don’t trust anyone, you can spend some serious time WORRYING! About the present. About the future. About everything. But if you realize that nothing bad can happen ever because everything is a learning experience, then there’s nothing to worry about. I’m working on that. I have four performances coming up, and I haven’t yet worried too much about them, knowing I can’t control everything! Stupid control! You’re just an illusion.

Feel pretty After spending the last year in pajamas writing, I felt gross. I have been buying myself one clothing item I feel amazing in per month. I’ve been wearing my hair down. And I’ve been taking Flamenco classes to bring out my femininity! Slowly, I am feeling like a woman again. Phew. I might even paint my nails tonight… nah.

Connection My goal was to build a community and value my friends, and I have! I’ve played more board games in these past five months than in my childhood. To Park Place we go!

Get Romantical I went out on dates! I wore heels! And for three of these five months, I had a boyfriend! It was magical. He broke up with me the day before New Year’s Eve ‘to work on his screenplay’ (BARF! So LA.), but I enjoyed three wonderful months of lovey dovey feelings. I needed that.

Time I have realized that, while I love writing and there’s nothing I find more luxurious than a night on the couch with my computer and my words, the most important things in life are JOY and PEOPLE. And I have been putting them first more and more often. Phew. I was beginning to burn out.

Open Hmm… This meant I wanted to keep my schedule more open and not be so booked all the time. This one I’m still working on! Maybe I’ll plan to master this one later.

Step into my path These five months have been witness to a full existential crisis, chronicled here. But it’s over! I feel so much closer to what I want, and I can attribute that to writing out my truth on Stratejoy. It’s helped me think. It’s been my diary. It’s forced me to spit out my emotions weekly! And I love that feeling. So, even though the path I’ve chosen (writer!) is hard, I’m doing it. I’ve questioned it, but I’ve definitely spent these five months answering my questions. Ah. I LOVE ANSWERS.

Thank you guys for supporting me and reading the words I’ve spent time agonizing over. I love all of them and you. Don’t go away! You can find me on Facebook or on my blog, humans are funny. Or come to a Taboo Tales show!


[Photo credit: A friend! This was karaoke. Putting relationships first is fun.]

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Life, Love, and Audacious Joy: Five Months Later

posted 31st January 2012    Written by: Ashley    CATEGORY: All Posts, Ashley, Job/Career/Work, Love/Relationships, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 5, What I've Learned

I can’t believe this is over. Five months has never flown by so fast! I have loved this little corner of my life, making the time each week to focus on my life- where I’ve been, where I am now, and where I want to be. I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that I’m a different, better version of myself today than I was in early September 2011.

When I started writing here, I set some specific goals for myself:

1. Personal- create an authentic life full of joy!

2. Professional- be a grounded, curious, and empathic counselor!

3. Financial- finally get out of debt!

So, how did I do? Well, it was a mixed batch.

I didn’t do a scientific, exact measure, but my life feels more authentic ad joyful. The weekly brainstorming sessions didn’t happen as I had envisioned. I didn’t sit down and journal or make lists or create a vision board on a weekly basis, but if we swap out “weekly” with “monthly” then it was a total success! I registered for, participated in, and absolutely loved the Put Yourself Out There group as well as The Council: Holiday Edition. Both groups helped me create a clear vision of what I want my life to look like and what changes I need to make in order for those dreams to become a reality. I continued to practice yoga weekly, missing only a few classes. And surprise! While training for my half-marathon, I fell in love with running and the time and space it provides me with to be alone with my thoughts.

My professional goals were a flop. I didn’t find a mentor and I didn’t read one book each month. This isn’t really a huge surprise to me since my love for my job began slipping away from me these past few months. I started two books, but they are both sitting on my shelf with a bookmark tucked somewhere in the middle of the pages. I still want to find a mentor and that is something I am going to pursue. I want to find someone who challenges me, supports me, and hopefully inspires me in my professional growth as a counselor.

Financially, I am in such a better place than I was in September. While I cannot cross off any of  the goals listed above, I feel more secure, and have allowed myself some wiggle room from month to month. In December I began the process of consolidating my student loans which means that my monthly payments have gone down over $600! My rent is also about $150 cheaper in my new apartment, so that helps too. With these changes, I am able to travel more, put money aside (what I call my “mental savings account”), and feel much more relaxed when it’s time to pay bills. I can just feel the anxiety melting away!

In addition to working toward these goals, I’ve learned to trust myself over these past few months. I wrote myself a love letter and I faced my inner critic. I imagined my best life and I solidfied my core values. I moved to a new apartment, watched my best friend get married, and I decided to run a half-marathon. I stressed out over money, reflected on 2011, and set an intention for 2012: Savor Growth. I shared stories about my dad and my long-distance relationship, I questioned my career choice, and I answered a bajillion questions. It’s been a journey, y’all.

I feel stronger, more courageous, and more at peace. I feel like I know myself better, which I guess is what you can expect when you spend an uninterrupted hour or two with someone (yourself) each week writing, reflecting, and sorting through all your personal thoughts, feelings, and ideas.

I’m so sad that it’s time for me to go. I have truly loved every minute, every connection, and every friendship that has been built because of Stratejoy. Thank you for cheering me on as I shared a bit of me with you each week. You all mean the world to me. In case you want to continue following my journey toward a life full of audacious joy, you can find me here:

Please stay in touch!

[photo credit: my boyfriend; Me- In front of the harbor in his hometown in Canada]

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Interview Fun!

posted 27th January 2012    Written by: Kristen    CATEGORY: All Posts, Family, Job/Career/Work, Kristen, Life Lesson, Love/Relationships, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 5, What I've Learned
What are you obsessed with at this exact moment? Painting in my house, hot chocolate, making meals in the slow cooker I received for Christmas from my parents, anything on Pinterest, and attacking my reading and movie list.
You can time travel but only to the past! What time period/ historical event do you go and experience? As a historian, I’ve thought a great deal about this. There are many, many time periods that are fascinating and interesting to me, but after much thought and consideration, I would want to be in my late teens at the end of World War II so that in the 1950s I would be in my twenties and involved in the beginnings of so many movements of social change. The only thing I probably wouldn’t enjoy would be the expected wearing of restrictive undergarments, but I’d probably be the first gal on my block to wear trousers anyway!
If you could be any animal, which animal would you be and why? Elephant for sure. First off, they lead long lives and their ‘society’ is based on a matriarch as head of the herd. They have a wisdom about them ( maybe it’s the wrinkles), thick skin to ward off negativity or predators, and are just so darn personable. One of my favorite stuffed animals is an elephant and one of the first pieces I bought for the house after my ex husband left was a small wooden carved elephant. They symbolize strength and perseverance to me.
Any person dead or alive, who would you have dinner with? Tough choice on this but would definitely be Elizabeth Blackwell, who was the first licensed female doctor in the United States. I find her life and career endlessly fascinating and would just want to know so much about how she pushed through boundaries and challenged society’s ideals about medicine and women.
What is on your life’s soundtrack? Quite a diverse list for me and just a small selection of my favorites:
Anything by YoYo Ma- nothing like the amazing sounds of the cello to guide me through writing and work projects
Who Says You Can’t Go Home- Bon Jovi and Jennifer Nettles
Hallelujah- Rufus Wainwright- I find this version so amazing, though truthfully, I love almost any version of the song
Stand- Lenny Kravitz- how can you not want to smile & dance about!!?!
Heart of Every Girl- Elton John
Girls Just Want to Have Fun- Cyndi Lauper
Time Flies- Smokey Robinson- if you have not heard it, YouTube it now. Amazingly poignant
Copa Cabana- Barry Manilow & Waterloo- Abba– because sometimes you need to sing silly songs and dance in the kitchen
Great Day to Be Alive- Travis Tritt- makes me endlessly happy
Bad, Bad Leroy Brown- Jim Croce- Love this song I think because my parents like him and it reminds me of them
Getting Better- The Beatles- because it really is getting better all the time
If you could be anywhere in the world right now, where would you be? As I write this, it is ten degrees in Massachusetts. I’d love to be in a quiet, remote spot that is warm like St. Bart’s. I’d love to just be sitting on the beach reading books and writing for weeks on end. Maybe I’ll sit in the sun this afternoon and crank my heat up to pretend haha.
Who has been your biggest inspiration throughout your QLC? My family and friends, Molly and the tribe of girls featured on blogs and through the groups I have been a part of, and so many other internet folks who shared stories of overcoming difficult times or uncertainty. During some of the toughest times of the QLC and working through the divorce, I have tried to keep the ideas of my 16 year old self in mind, especially the dreams and ideas I had about life then. While so many of them have changed as life has happened, the one thing that has remained is the vision of a happy woman smiling her way through life. That idea has definitely helped get me through a few dark moments.
If money, education, time, or location were not an issue, what would you be doing for work in life? A small cafe owner with a little shop that had delicious baked goods and yummy coffee.
What was the biggest mental shift you’ve made from 5 months ago to now? This has been huge for me- basically learning that just because I decided to end a marriage that I am not an un-loveable failure. I stood up for my life and chose happiness and while it is heartbreaking at the end of the relationship that this step will make both him and I better people in life. Because let’s face it, while it hurts me still that I made a vow and it is now broken, life is too short to be miserable for days on end.
What’s changed? List 10 little sweet things.
1. Being on my own schedule, doing my own thing as I want without having to check in with another person.
2. If I want to eat ice cream for dinner, I’m going to do it.
3. Sleeping in the middle of the big queen bed is pretty glorious.
4. Being able to leave clothes and clutter around if I don’t feel the need to put it right away.
5. Spending hours of a night reading in quiet without a TV on.
6. No cable- so great to not have the pull of junky TV every night to escape to instead of facing life.
7. Free weekends to do what I want.
8. Buying small things for the house that make me super happy.
9. Having one whole closet to myself
10. Quiet, sunny Sunday mornings just enjoying
What’s one thing that you’ve learned – in general or about yourself – over the past five months? That I am much stronger than I thought I was- and that I know myself far better than I give myself credit for. I’ve learning that trusting my gut is the one thing I should always rely on and that my judgement of people and their character tends to be pretty spot on. I’ve learned the true meaning of family and friendship, and experienced what real gratitude and being blessed feels like. I’ve learned that in times of crisis or change, you learn a lot about the people around you- who comes to your side, who falls away. I’ve learned that crying is not a sign of weakness and that breakdowns can lead to amazing things. I’ve learned more about love than I ever imagined- love of myself, love and loss of a partner, love of family and friends, and what I want love to look like in my future.
What would you have done differently on your Stratejoy journey if you were starting today? When I found out I was going to be a Stratejoy blogger, not everyone in my family and close circle of friends knew about my ex and I divorcing. It was important for me that people heard it from me first, not the blog. With a few situations, a few people found out from reading the blog which I deeply wish I could have changed. At the same time, going public with the divorce via the blog was also a great step because it often eliminated some of the tough or uncomfortable conversations about the divorce that I was dreading having.
What song(s) will remind you of the past five months? You Are Loved (Don’t Give Up) by Josh Groban, True Colors by Phil Collins, and Save Me, San Francisco by Train ( my trip to San Fran in September was the start of the a new beginning!)

What is your favorite thing about YOU? My love of learning, my insatiable quest for knowledge, and my endless curiosity

Name 3 things you absolutely love about yourself. First I’d like to say that five or six months ago I’m not sure this question would be easy to answer.
1. The ability to have a quiet night in with myself, a cup of tea, a good book, and my thoughts– and to know when I need those nights for my sanity.
2. My work ethic- whether it is in my job or in doing work around my house, I love how I take a project on with enthusiasm and work hard to achieve my goals. The sense of accomplishment and pride at the end of each project is intensely gratifying and self-fulfilling.
3. My strength- there have been so many times over the past six months when I have wanted to give up, but I put my head up and just power through to move forward. I’m doing things now on my own that I never imagined I could ever do.

How are you living life on your own terms? I made a huge life decision that had major implications for my, my ex husband, and our family and friends. I stood up for me and decided that a life apart would make us both happier than a life together. I’m living alone in a house that I making all my own and loving every.single.minute.of it.
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Sloths & Spanish Music

posted 25th January 2012    Written by: Laurenne    CATEGORY: All Posts, Laurenne, Life Lesson, Love/Relationships, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 5

What are you obsessed with at this exact moment?
My brain! Is that too self-obsessed? Maybe. Being in school for psychology sure keeps me thinking about how to learn from everything. In class, they say to simply feel from the heart, but I prefer to overanalyze my childhood. I also can’t stop drinking coffee, eating buttered toasts, or saying ‘Fancy that!’

You can time travel but only to the past! What time period/ historical event do you go and experience?
I think I’d like to be a cavewoman. It might be so much easier to communicate without words. Or harder. I guess I’d like to see. I would definitely be a vegetarian cavewoman.

If you could be any animal, which animal would you be and why?
Dolphin. Or Sloth. I used to want to be a bird, but I think I would hate living above the sea and not having hands.

Any person dead or alive, who would you have dinner with?
My dad. Snoozer answer, but I would love to talk to him and be like, “So… about your suicide…?”

What is on your life’s soundtrack?
I have, what some may call, strange taste in music. I’m a bilingual girl who doesn’t keep up with the kids today. So, I like old ballads sung in Spanish. This one by Joan Sebastian is my favorite. I love ‘Grita’ by Jarabe de Palo when I’m sad. And I belt Julieta Venegas or Regina Spektor when I’m happy.
When I want to marvel, I listen to the smartest wordsmith musician I’ve ever heard, Brian Cutean. Favorite lyric is his song, ‘Three Little Letters’: BMW? BFD.

If you could be anywhere in the world right now, where would you be?
My goal is to get this question and be able to say, “I am completely content where I am right now no matter what.” Until then, I will say a warm beach in Panama, playing futbol with the local kids while the sun goes down, no to-do list in sight.

Who has been your biggest inspiration throughout your QLC?
Ugh. I hate this answer, but I must speak my truth. When Steve Jobs died, I was like, “Guys, he just made some computers. Relax. No big deal. Bah.” But… He believed he could do things, and then he did them. So, he’s pretty inspiring. I also like to think about how Tina Fey is a funny woman who carved out her own path. I’m inspired by everyone here all the time too– I LOVE anyone who says they will do something and then does it.

If money, education, time, or location were not an issue, what would you be doing for work in life?
I’ve been asking myself this question forever. I think it’s what I’m doing now. Writing! I think. It might be nice to be doing it from a little bungalow on that warm beach though. I’ve been teaching writing workshops, and I love the idea of writing therapy. I’d love to cultivate that in the future and be a writer who spends half the year writing from that warm beach and the other half leading seminars and speaking around the US. I also think being a medical examiner would be so interesting. The human body!

What was the biggest mental shift you’ve made from 5 months ago to now?
There have been many! I think mostly I’ve developed more patience, trust, and the ability to be gentle with myself. I started Stratejoy just as I submitted my book to agents. I thought I needed to sell it ASAP to be considered a ‘real writer.’ If not, I thought I’d be a failure and my life would mean nothing. Since then, I see how things take time. I see how much I’m learning from each rejection I get, so I know that I wasn’t supposed to sell my book immediately. I am trusting that this process is going just as it’s supposed to. I’m trusting my own abilities. And I’m not putting so much emphasis on outside validation. I don’t need that credit to my name to be considered ‘real’ or ‘valid’ or ‘good enough.’

What’s changed? List 10 little sweet things.
-I’m putting myself first more often.
-I’m more gentle and loving toward myself.
-I have a vision board!
-I’ve stopped judging my mom and our relationship has blossomed (not really a LITTLE thing!).
-I’ve alloted more time to game nights and friends!
-I’m taking on only projects I love (what a relief!).
-I’m managing time wisely.
-I’m taking more time to just experience joy.
-I feel a new sense of calm.
-I’ve set a new order of priorities.
-I am trusting that everything is just how it’s supposed to be.

What’s one thing that you’ve learned – in general or about yourself – over the past five months?
I don’t always have to be the best, the most perfect, the first, etc. I am enough how I am NOW! In the past, I’ve spent so much time reeeeeaching for perfect. My teacher asked me, “If you were perfect, how would you know?”

What would you have done differently on your Stratejoy journey if you were starting today?
I’d put aside a specific amount of time each week to write so I didn’t feel so rushed! Time, you elusive bitch.

What song(s) will remind you of the past five months?
This one by Bebe really reminds me of any QLC. I heard it while running a few months ago, and I just burst into tears on the path by the beach. Favorite lyric in that song: Today you will discover that the world is just for you.

What is your favorite thing about YOU?
Just one!? I love my ability to never be offended and to see that everyone means well.

Name 3 things you absolutely love about yourself.
Oh, okay. Three more.
1.) My body! It’s awesome and helps me do everything I want to do every day. Hands are pretty cool.
2.) My willingness to laugh at everything– not in a deflecting way but in a way that means ‘Hey! Life is weird. Let’s make the fucking best of it.’
3.) My brain. It thinks a lot and I’m so grateful for it. I love how I’m constantly learning and being open to whatever might enter my thoughts.

How are you living life on your own terms?
I try to not be swayed by society. I don’t watch TV (besides illegally streamed ‘Shark Tank’ episodes). I don’t keep up with rules. I don’t listen to anybody who tells me I can’t do something. I believe that anything is possible. I don’t let money be an excuse. I make things happen. I love myself.

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