When Molly first asked me to write for Stratejoy, I had just started to live my life.

And by living, I mean recognizing what I could do at the time without a job, without much direction and finally, without any excuses.

My one-year anniversary is coming up from when I was “let go”.  I’m not quite sure what it was about that event that physically shook me awake from my stupor of complacency.  Regardless, I’m supremely grateful that I was awake enough to take that chance, a chance that most people don’t receive or perhaps recognize if offered, and to run with it.

Not only did I run with it, I chose to make an Olympic event of it for the coming months and for 2010. By writing these past six months, I was able to look at myself introspectively and objectively in order to guide my journey.

I chose one main goal back in 2009: Happiness.

I had never been happy in my early adulthood and always remained thinking that I either never really understood what it meant or perhaps that I didn’t deserve it.  Achieving this goal and maintaining the search has been arduous.

I’ve been up, I’ve been down, and I’ve even been sidetracked or derailed a few times, but I’ve never given up.  You see, I now know what it is to be happy and I can’t-WON’T-give it up without a fight.

I have to thank Molly and the other bloggers; I never really knew what a Quarterlife Crisis was until I was thick in the shit of it, and reading about others’ experiences with it was a type of godsend. It’s about control for me and I had lost it at the very beginning of my crisis.

I found it again after examining, really examining who I am, what I am, and how I’m living my life.

Molly is such a great example of someone who faced that fear of the unknown, but knew her vision and went for it.  This is someone who helped shaped my past six months, and for this I will be eternally grateful.  She deserves every good thing in this world and I can’t wait to see her reap the benefits and rewards for her efforts in following her dreams and passions.

I don’t know what’s going to happen in the next six months.

What I do know is that I am a stronger, more confidant and happier person compared to that girl who existed last year.  I’ve learned to expect the unexpected, control what you can, and live life as much as possible with friends, passion, food and music. And I’ve learned it’s okay to go through crap.  We will all have to deal with the negative and the worst of the lot, but it’s how you bounce back, how you live every day because you have to, and how you treat others.

I’m not quite sure what’s going to happen now, but I do know I am the happiest I have ever been in my life.  And with this, the happiness I feel and radiate, I can do anything and achieve everything. I’ve never thought or believed that before.  But I do now.  It’s a hell of feeling I tell you.

I am excited.

I’ll end this post with some of aptly appropriate lyrics from local and personal favs The Thermals:

This is my world, it’s my own
The only thing I’ve ever known
This is my world, it’s all mine
My direction, my design
I alone know the code
It’s in my head, it’s in my hold
All this beauty that you see
Starts right here, it comes from me

This is my world.

Marisa

[Marisa. I'm sending you such a big virtual hug right now!!  You were the only blogger I knew personally before this adventure began, and it's been so amazing watching you grow, explore and really fight for your happiness.  Talk about inner transformation!  You've found your voice.  You've realized your incredible potential.  You've still got the best bangs in Portland...   Simply put, the whole world is before you.  And guess what?  You're diving in.  You're making it count.  Thank you for sharing your journey.  Don't be a stranger.  Love,  Molly]

photo credit : tuppus

Do you remember that time in your early pre-teens where you were told to make a decision of either participating in Orchestra or Band? I remember it well. I was torn between wanting to be in the field while frantically banging on drums while my parents wanted to hear me play the violin indoors with symphonies and classical themes.

The Parental influence won in the end.

And during those painful/awkward years as a pre-teen and teen, I ended playing the violin for almost 6 years. I enjoyed it more than I thought I would at that age, but still… That nagging push I had inside of me told me I was meant to play the drums. And I’ve finally listened to it, almost 14 years later.

I thought it appropriate to write about music for this entry as the time passes with these last couple of QLC entries. I have a lot of things coming up that I’m involved with locally and even nationally so I feel the need to purge with words.

I never thought I would be this heavily involved within a scene and it’s not necessarily negative or bad persay, it’s just sometimes it gets overwhelming.

There’s a female drumming event this week put on by a NYC magazine and I was lucky enough to be involved with partaking in the planning and benefit; it’s a great direction for this city since I personally don’t think enough attention is paid to female musicians. I’m still taking weekly lessons, still on the pursuit of a drum kit and still wanting to make music. In fact, during my lunch breaks, I’ve been writing beats (simple beats, yes) but nonetheless, it’s music.

Who what have thunk it? Me, Marisa, writing some music and pairing it with my friend Anna’s music.

I’m determined to make it ALL work. There’s something frightening and yet exciting about following the path you want. I made that promise to myself last April, and as I’m quickly coming upon that anniversary-I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished.

Not only has life been busy with drumming, but being involved with an indie music label has been a wonderous and ridiculous experience in itself. I was able to finally see some of the fruits of my labor when one of the Bay area signed groups was featured in Filter Magazine as the first “Undiscovered” discovered band of 2010 for Filter.

And, (I’m trying to contain the exclamation marks), but KEXP has contacted us  about some exciting things that I can’t yet confirm, but it’s exciting!!!!!!

So what’s the lesson here as I wind down with all of my thoughts?

I’ve learned in the past nine months that once you find your niche, your passion or your interest, don’t let it go. Don’t ever let it go; you can let it wean a bit, maybe put it on the back burner if need be, but don’t let it go.

You never know what’s around the corner. This may be really corny of me to say (it’s totally true BTW) but with positivity, determination and heart, you can make it work.

photo credit : dennis_vu

When I first moved to Oregon almost 10 years ago, I was stunned by the massive amounts of dust that collected inside a home.  Sure, I lived in a prison cell sized dorm room with another person in super close proximity, but still, it was shocking. It continued when I moved into a larger house with roomies after moving out of the dorms…  Those dust bunnies amassed to dust bunny armies, way more than what I was used to in Nevada.

It caused a new tradition of sorts every year.

I clean during the winter: clean to get rid of that dust, get rid of material items that weigh me down, and get rid of the dust that settles figuratively in my head.

I’ve had a lot of dust these past years, most of it I’ve swept underneath the carpet only to have it pile up and cloud my mind recently.

This year’s clean out is especially special. It’s the one wear I honestly look around my surroundings and make some decisions to affect this single life of mine.

So far I’ve been able to materialistically place a very neat pile of items on the North side of my apartment.  This fort of past wonders is for Goodwill and contains the 2008 & 2009 Marisa of unused clothes and furniture that could be of better use for someone else.  It’s funny giving up these items; they contain memories of where and when I bought them but hold no sentimental value really.  They are in fact just things and I’m learning that heavy materialism is no longer a part of my vocabulary. In fact, things look lighter and more open, just as hardwood floors should.

That was the easy part– moving furniture, sweeping floors and using citrus polish to make things look pretty and shiny.

What’s hardest for me is shaking all that dust that I’ve collected emotionally over the years. I can admit now that being up here for the past three years without experiencing any real romantic relationship with someone has been well, lonely.  I swept myself to the side, always excusing my life with reasons like a heavy workload, only finding insanely lazy Portland guys and the worst of all, the worst thing a young woman can do to herself, succumbing to a lack of confidence, that low self-esteem that says I was not worthy of finding such happiness.

But no more!  I’m going to do it.  I’m taking that layer of dust off, swiffering myself with a new environmentally friendly, cranberry scented cleanser, and I’m changing and challenging things starting NOW. I’ve been building up to it too-going on dates, meeting new people, figuring out exactly what I want and hopefully what I need.

It’s going to be difficult I think, to stay shiny and dust-free for a bit.  And I’m bound to meet some more dusty guys, but hey, Spring-cleaning is only three months away.

I can totally do a quick swiffer then.  Just in time for SXSW.

I’ve always been fascinated with people who have an extraordinary amount of self-confidence.

And it’s not the selfish narcissistic shallow, physical self-confidence that is mostly defined in our society.

For me, it’s the assurance of oneself that he or she can do anything and everything (mentally and physically). That’s the self-confidence that I envy the most, the one I’ve been searching for, for pretty much an entire year. And I found it.

Well, I didn’t find all of it, if there’s even a logical count for it all. It’s fleeting sometimes, in perhaps all aspects, but BY JOVE, I’ve got some alright.

26 years is a long time to be searching… I would have benefited with an early discovery in high school and most likely it would have helped a lot in college, but I’m grateful for what I’ve got now. This discovery or self-fulfillment may sound trivial to some and even unimportant to others, but I never realized before how important it is to have a positive belief in oneself, not just to ride the wave of encouragement or support from others. This form of confidence has to come from within.

A sensitive pride is hard to protect with so many outside influences and factors. I used to spend a lot of time not believing in certain ideas and dreams and thus quitting many activities. It was just easier to quit before I even dared to risk.

And now things are different.

I have my Quarterlife Crisis in part to thank for that. With being involved more in High Scores and Records and my job, my efforts are totally paying off because I took those risks. I start my new Logistics Specialist position tomorrow at lucy and even though I literally have NO idea what I’m getting myself into, but I’m gonna risk it. I have a feeling it’s going to involve a lot of acronyms and international shipping codes.

A new year has arrived; memories of 2009 will soon make way for 2010 and there will be plenty of opportunities to build that self-confidence for the unmarked year.

photo credit : desiree delgado

There are times in life when you need Jane Austen.

Then there are times when you can’t stop reading one of her novels for fear you might miss the character development, but then you realize that wait, you’ve read this book many, MANY times before and it’s okay, you can always read it again.  Always.

Her novels are like music for my eyes.  Especially Persuasion.

ESPECIALLY CAPTAIN WENTWORTH.

It’s neither unique nor different when declaring my admiration for Jane Austen’s Persuasion from other fans and/or fangirls (yes, my fangirl list is long).  I hesitate now to read new literature; it’s become a horrible habit where I just rely on the familiar and safe in literature. I have my Jane Austen safety net.

Anne Elliot has become my literary alter ego. In Persuasion, she is the main character; a daughter born in nobility where her father spent too quickly of a family fortune and title, thus being forced to let out the grand Kellynch Hall.  She is 27, single and not given much hope for prospects in life.

I like Anne.  In fact, in the beginning, I see a lot of myself in Anne.  One of the central plot lines and character building themes is surrounded around Anne’s ability to be persuaded.  And because she was persuaded at the age of 19 to break the engagement to the love of her life, Captain Wentworth (due to his low status and lack of money), she is now alone, dependent on her father and the family name and stereotypically given the societal death certificate: Spinster.

I too became easily persuaded at that young age to follow what seemed a traditional path, not to follow the inspired road. While reflecting, I now think that choice became both a negative and a positive.

With the exception of Captain Wentworth (oh god, wouldn’t that be fabulous), I find myself traveling along the same journey that Anne finally discovers for herself.  Throughout the novel, she learns of her own independence and the necessity of it to not only to survive while living with her father and annoying/spoiled sister, but also to win back the love of her life she scorned those many years ago.  She uses this independence to show her growth, true noble character and desire.

She knew once Frederick was back in town that she had to prove herself once again.

Listen, I know may be projecting my own trials and tribulations with Anne and the book Persuasion with bias. My love for Jane Austen will never die, NEVER.  And I’m definitely not impartial to the style, the vernacular and the characters– her era was what I basically yearned and studied for while attending college.

But, that said– I just wanted to point out that between August 1815 and August 1816, Jane Austen wrote about a Quarterlife Crisis for a fictional character she held in high regard and obviously wanted to complete with a positive resolution.

If Anne, although fictional, could survive her QLC in less than 500 pages, who’s to say that I can’t achieve the same success in my book of life?

I’m sure Jane would agree.

She would also tell me where to find my Captain Frederick Wentworth and how we should go about with a proper introduction.  She would prefer the tall one with the honey blonde hair, inquisitive steel eyes, and steadfastness of character.

Yeah, Jane’s my girl.

photo credit: Theo Westenberg on Seraphic Secret

Yeah, I’m a fangirl.  I can fangirl it with most things like movies, books and especially music.

So when I find a band or a song that captures my attention and brainwashes my life with notes and lyrics, I tend to fangirl the hell out of it.  This brings me to my most recent purchase and purpose for the upcoming spring: airfare to Austin, TX for SXSW 2010.

Can you believe it?  Almost a WHOLE year since my first adventure began after becoming unemployed.  And it was one of the best experiences of my life. I plan to throw a repeat: a continued party of life if you will, something to not only compare in entertainment to last year’s fantastic feat, but also to also surpass anything and everything I’ve wanted to taste musically for 2010.

I’m excited.

I even have a job up until then.  I was just asked if I could work in the Logistics Department at lucy until March.  The coordinator is leaving in January for maternity leave and it times perfectly with the completion of my current temporary situation.  I wasn’t even expecting it.  I had planned to go back on unemployment right after January and figure out yet another income path.

I was even presented with the opportunity to go on tour as the infamous and most celebrated merch girl for a band that shall remain nameless (hint, they are my ideal in musical life and I’ve talked about them before, these local gods…).

So why didn’t I throw caution to the wind again and just go for it? Why did I let the chance for a fun, short West Coast tour slip away…

Well, I know a little of why I did it.  I think I saw the value in still being in contact with a good company even though it’s a temporary position.  And even if and when I finish working at lucy, it’ll be March and I’ll be in sunny Texas thawing out from Portland frost.

I just don’t think going on tour in cold February would do, right now. I feel like life in Portland is seriously about to get interesting for 2010.

My work with Devin and High Scores and Records is kind of getting bigger with more press from the Weeklys and music blogs.  There has been fulfillment and rewards with Devin and HS&R that I’ve never really realized could be possible before…

And I’m still drumming.  Still taking lessons from my awesome teacher Lisa whose band will also be at SXSW and I can’t WAIT.

So back to fangirl.  And new music.  I’m finding new music for the end of 2009 and the beginning of 2010.  I’m attempting to soundtrack these last few weeks and beginning days with sounds and words I’ve never heard before.  This is quite literally what I hope for at this time of year, unexplored life in the damp, dark and wet crevasses of Portland.

Jookabox is a band from Indianapolis, IN.  Their song “You Cried Me” kept me walking with a skip and a hop this past week during the arctic cold blast up here in the Northwest.  I move to it while waiting for the streetcar hoping to keep the blood to my extremities.  It’s a fun song; it gets me excited for the unknown and finding it only solidifies my intentions and expectations for the near future.

They’re going to be at SXSW too in March.  Fangirl, raise your hand.

My gratitude for life is never ending.

Whether or not I voice it depends on the day, the time, the mood and where I am.  I’m most certainly grateful for everything.  I subscribe to the practice of secular humanism, which means I put a lot of responsibility on us as human beings and how we live our lives socially and personally.

So we must be grateful, for everything, because this is all we got, people.

Gratitude is befitting for this time of year.  I will not be able to see my family this holiday season and haven’t for the past three holiday seasons, therefore I make it a point to always tell them every time we talk that I appreciate them, I love them and I miss them.

When my Uncle Walter died last October, I flew down to San Antonio a couple of weeks before his death and saw what life was like again being surrounded by those I love.  I am grateful that I was able to say goodbye to him.  It wasn’t just the frailty of his sick and chemo ravaged body that made me cry every time I sat down in his room, but it was the love that I saw and felt once we gathered to eat and spend time together.  It was something that I hadn’t experienced in a long time, since I was a child in fact, and to see everyone together, to see how we could help and support our loss and love, was incredible.

I was grateful for it all and haven’t forgotten it since.

In sticking with the theme of the blog, this is when I say I’m grateful for my Quarterlife Crisis.  I am grateful for it. It shook me awake. It’s made me be more aware of everything these days.  My life light bulb turned on, switched on by the need to feel more, see more and do more.

After arriving back from San Antonio that October, I felt changed and I’m sure that’s when my QLC began.  I realized that I wasn’t happy with my life, in pretty much all aspects, and it took my Uncle’s death to really start my introspective journey.  The journey was additionally jolted by my unemployment in March.  Luckily, this QLC has changed my life and for the better.

I’m grateful for this city I’m in love with, I’m grateful for (believe it or not) my food allergies because now I eat healthy to stay alive and I will always have to.   I’m grateful for my family, my friends, my cat Sophie who always seems to understand everything even though I’m pretty sure she lazily agrees in order to be fed, and I’m grateful for cranberries.

Yes, I have a very odd obsession with them and even though most people don’t understand it, I could love anything and make everything with cranberries.  Just don’t question it.  It’s food love.

And finally, I’m grateful for myself.  I’ve learned to appreciate myself for who I am physically and emotionally and guess what, I AM AWESOME.  How can you be happy without loving and appreciating yourself first and foremost?  Previously I didn’t understand that living a life for others and their expectations would make me a shell of something, a ghost of who I am and what I could be.

Let me tell you, it’s no way to live and no way to love yourself.

So be grateful for your QLC.  For the good, the bad, the ugly and especially all the shit that you think you can’t survive.  Because you can.  Almost assuredly, without a doubt, those things will only make you stronger.  It’s how you define it and interpret it so you can mold and shape it to better your world.

Appreciate this life, appreciate those moments you ignored before and be grateful you have many, many possibilities to be happy and to actually LIVE.

photo credit : muffet

I take the streetcar to work every morning.  It’s a simple ride, easy and smooth while listening to my ipod.

Recently it’s been more fun in the mornings.  People are smiling when I walk to and from my stop.  People are smiling at me.

And I only just realized it’s because I’m the one smiling first.

For the first time in a very long time, I have the confidence to say that I am truly happy.  I’m happy with who I am as a person, who I’ve become in the past six months and who I am in this very exact moment.  I smile a lot more lately and express myself more too.

These passions of mine, these interests and outlets, have shaped and polished me to be more, well, ME.

I’m desperately trying not to fuck this up.  I have a job.  I have a life.  I have confidence.  I can do anything and everything. And the best part about it is that I know it’s from my Quarterlife Crisis and how I chose to deal with it. In the past, certain ideas and limitations about who I should be or what I should be doing with my life bogged down and hindered my confidence to truly believe in myself and believe that I am worth it.

I am worth it.  Sometimes it feels like a switch or a light bulb spurted to life in my soul and the world somehow recognized it.  I used to think of myself as someone plain in all aspects.  I never gave myself credit with my wants, desires and dreams.  I hid from the world and lived just enough to fulfill a basic existence without risking anything new or even true.

I don’t know why I’m reflecting so heavily right now.

It’s insane how happy I am. Who knew you could reach those dark crevasses in life without a traditional plan and still come out rosy on top? The unknown always symbolized a frenzied panic in me.  This uncontrollably entity was something I always chased and never caught.

I can’t pinpoint exactly when or where life for me became something ideal. It’s most certainly ideal now, and perhaps not meant to always be, but I am strong enough and smart enough to know when I have a good thing going and appreciate the hell out of it.

Having this QLC forced certain unknowns to be present and while I still get that panicked tickle in my stomach or that rush of blood throughout my body, I smile and let that light bulb slowly flicker on to brighten my day.

And smile.

photo credit: flickrohit

I woke up one day last week to a very strange sight.

There were two long, angry wrinkles shouting at me at 7am underneath my right eye.

Not cool.

Not cool man.  Not cool having two things to remind me of getting older.  And DEFINITELY not cool blaring and glaring at me that early in the morning.

Aging was something that I never really thought about until recently. Searching for and improving upon things in life like happiness, my dreams, my purpose has brought up issues like when or if I want to have kids, will I be able to take care of my parents when they need it, and will I still be experiencing a Quarterlife Crisis in 5, 10, or even 15 years?

I don’t want to be so superficial about something like a wrinkle…or two…but I’m finding it difficult at the moment.

My job is something that I know I shouldn’t take for granted during this time in the word, but it’s basically an entry-level position.   Making less money and having kids that work with you just out of school has been making my self-esteem and confidence waver.

And I don’t like that, the wavering.  It scares me.

Another age reminder of sorts is one that involves a boy. And I say boy because honestly, he’s a BOY.  He’s 22 years old, wants to facebook chat all the time and kind lives a naïve life with simplistic things like music and a pizza-delivering job and free rent.  But he’s sweet and adorable and best of all, he likes me and isn’t afraid to say it.

So, we’ll see how that goes.  I mean, facebook first started when I was a senior in college.  For him? He was a senior in high school.  Things are different.

I don’t want to be nervous about aging.  It can bring a lot of anxious things back up for planning the future. But can we really plan for the future?  I don’t have control over most things in life, and from what I’ve learned, I can only control how I let things affect me and how I can act upon those variables.

It’s difficult to remain hopeful at times, to understand that as long as I’m happy and can be happy with whom I am as a person, life can be an interesting journey.  It’s worth it though, to question and know that it’s attainable.

I still don’t want those two wrinkles, but they’re kind of like badges of honor. They’re my first signs of a club where there are many wonderful people who love and live life to the fullest. But I’m still going to try that free anti-wrinkle cream from Sephora.  Just to, you know, see.

photo credit: superdan

It’s strange to settle back into a normal day schedule.

I’m getting back into the swing of things: waking up early again, eating before noon and planning a full day’s worth of adventures.  Not to say I wasn’t just as scheduled while being unemployed, everything just happened after 12 and it was fairly easy to accept a life with barely any daily commitments.

I’d like to think I’ve combined both versions of my life a little bit.  And I like going to work where I wear whatever I want, participate in yoga during lunch if I choose so, and leave just in time to complete the other daily tasks for a busy life.

Such is part-time.  Such is my life.

I received my cashed-out 401 k check today too. After having a heart attack over the taxes taken out and being resuscitated by my cat Sophie, I had a very large check in my hands, waiting for direction and attention.  I became giddy and child-like; what to do with it?

I could save it… I could spend, I WANT to spend it. There are too many wants out there for me like new clothes, tons of great food in Portland and oh, to travel!

One of many goals for 2010 is the head to Europe. An old dear friend from Girl Scout camp is getting married in Sussex next May and I’m determined to be there.  It’s my birthday month as well, so what better way to spend your birthday, than say in Paris or Berlin or London?

Daydreaming about a vacation with many museums, galleries and venues makes my mind spin with glee!

My goal is to also be able to travel and eat without any medical attention needed. Believe it or not in the past ten years, European food standards have become Americanized with the popularity of processed foods.  Thus, my problem.

Thus, I need a plan.

I know they don’t have any Whole Foods there and they sure as hell don’t have the glorious and fantastic New Seasons, therefore I bet that most of my money will be going towards good, expensive foods.  Which is not that bad when considered that I can pay for it now with this lovely check!  Traveling in leisure, ha!

I’m excited to be able to plan so far ahead. Hopefully, I’ll still be working at lucy during my vacation because traveling this past spring without employment wasn’t fun.  I’m crossing my fingers this next spring is different!

So– not spending the 401 k check now.   It’ll be tucked away for rainy days in London.

photo credit: tonysphotos