Category: Heather Rae

Overcoming Fear and Doing What You Want to Do

posted 10th March 2010    Written by: Heather Rae    CATEGORY: All Posts, Heather Rae, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 2

I’m a worrier.  I worry about everything.  Really.

Tell me you have a dentist appointment next Tuesday at 2PM, and I’ll worry about it for you.  Who knows what would happen if I didn’t take on this duty? I wouldn’t want you to miss your appointment or anything.

So, as I think of my greatest challenge on this journey of mine, I could easily say that it’s my worrying.  Seriously, I’ve got to find a way to stop it already.

Of course, if I said that, I’d know it wasn’t true.  Well, not entirely.  Let me dig a little deeper.

What’s got me so anxious all the time?  Like — why does it matter if the bed isn’t made to my exact specifications each morning, if my bank account drops below some mythical minimum, if I’m not absolutely-exactly-precisely perfect at everything I do?  I could go on.  Perhaps I could impress you with my single handed ability to turn a tiny pebble into a boulder.

But I digress.  What I’m trying to get at is — why is it that I worry so much about everything?

And here’s where I get really honest with you.  This is the root of the root:  FEAR.

I don’t worry because it’s fun.  Or because it’s something to do and I’m just so incredibly bored that I need something useless to take up my time.  I worry because I’m afraid.  I’m afraid of failing.

With that confession, I’m not sure what else to say.  It’s one thing to pin-point the problem.  It’s an entirely different beast to actually do something about it.

And here’s the thing about fear.  It’s hard to overcome.

I think the best advice I can give myself, or anyone else for that matter, is simply to act.  Don’t let fear stop you from taking action, from doing what you most love, from doing what you dream about.

Take a deep breath, and look that fear in the eyes.  Tell your fear that it doesn’t win — not this time.  Then do exactly what it is you want, even though you’re afraid.

The only way I’ve ever succeeded at dealing with fear is by facing it.  Facing my fear doesn’t take the fear away.  It doesn’t magically make me confident or make me believe in my own unending powers. (Oh, how I wish it did.)  It does, however, help me to realize that fear should not be debilitating.

It helps me to see that I can do what I want and even be successful, in spite of fear.

Overcoming fear to experience a success, no matter how tiny, increases your self efficacy — your belief in yourself and your ability to accomplish the things you want.  The more you believe in yourself, the more you’ll be willing to face those fears, to take chances on the things that matter most to you.

So in the spirit overcoming fear, here’s my mantra for the week:

  1. In spite of fear, I choose to be authentically me.
  2. In spite of fear, I choose to share my writing with the world.
  3. In spite of fear, I choose to book that month-long, solo trip to Peru.
  4. In spite of fear, I choose to love.

What do you choose to do, in spite of fear?

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Finding Balance through my Core Values

posted 3rd March 2010    Written by: Heather Rae    CATEGORY: Heather Rae, Job/Career/Work, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 2

I’ve gone from one extreme to the next.

The first couple of weeks after leaving my day job, I felt unorganized, somewhat scattered.  I had difficulty managing my time, and I wasn’t focusing on my writing projects as much as I would have liked.

With a little effort, I found a few ways to turn that around.  I started getting up early and setting specific times that I had to get work done.  I closed the door and thus closed myself off from the world.

I worked, worked, worked.

Moving from underproductive to uber productive was seriously exciting.  I got SO much done.  I stayed up late and got up early.  I had energy.  I felt exhilarated.  I re-launched my personal blog, In Search of Squid, got a lot of prewriting done on the novel, and started pumping out blog posts.

I was on fire.

But now, I’ve hit the other side of that wall.  I am in desperate need of balance.

You see, last week, I crashed.  I had been getting up early and going to bed late.  Even when taking a break for dinner or catching up with the fiancé, I had the computer on my lap, and I was responding to blog comments or working on a writing project.  General exhaustion and a lack of sleep then took over.  I couldn’t sit down to write without my eyelids drooping and feeling the need to take a nap.

Now, this has been my first experience working for myself.  I’ve never tried to do this before.  And let me tell you, striking a balance between work and all the rest is seriously harder than it looks. My work life and home life have now merged.  How does one handle this while maintaining a healthy balance of work, rest and play?

Enter, The Joy Equation.

I had been working through Molly’s Thirty Day Guide to Living Life on Purpose for the past few weeks.  Well, let me be more accurate, I’d working on it a little and thinking about working on it a lot.  Every time I picked it up, I felt guilty for taking time away from my writing projects.  I would eventually set it down with the idea that I could always do more later.

Then, the week of droopy eyelids and utter exhaustion came into play.  I realized I needed to slow down.  I needed a little perspective and some fresh ways to approach working on my own.

I spent last weekend pondering, journaling and planning.  I took a look at what really matters to me and sought new ways to maintain a sense of calm, wellness and balance in my life.

While doing this, I sat down and listened to the first audio session of The Joy Equation.  Molly walked me through a guided meditation, then a series of questions and exercises aimed at getting me to unearth my core values.  I attempted to figure out – what do I really care about; what values resonate with me; what truly matters?

In the past, I’ve tried to make time to consider my personal core values, and I’ve attempted to align my life in such a way as to be true to myself.  I can’t recommend this practice enough.  It’s powerful.  It opens doors and allows you to see your life in a whole new way.  What I love about Molly’s approach is that she really has you work it out.  You ask questions, you answer questions, you put it all in writing.

You set intentions for the week, and you find creative ways to really make it work for you.

Sometimes I just need a little nudge, something to give me permission to take time out for myself.  This was exactly the nudge I needed.  I’ve been so focused on doing the work I love, that I nearly forgot the many other things in life that matter to me too. Identifying my core values helped me to remember this.

In looking at those values, I noticed one thing that continued to show up – my love for being outside and in nature.  I really enjoy things like walking, hiking and camping.  I love fresh air and green trees and the sight of the ocean.

And then I realized something – I rarely make time to do this.

Why?  I’m not sure.  I think sometimes we get lost in ourselves, in our daily lives.  We forget to do those things that bring us joy, especially when it takes a little extra time, effort or attention.

So I’m taking a cue from my Joy Plan; I’m setting an intention for the week.  And that intention is simply to go on a hike.

According to Lao Tzu, “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”  My journey is to connect with my true, authentic self.  In cultivating the powerful habits that will bring me to that authentic self, I must take small steps to get there.  This is simply one of those small steps.

I’m also making a commitment to myself:  each week, I’ll re-look at my core values. Whichever jumps out at me as something I’ve been overlooking, I’ll take action, and I’ll plan something that honors that value for the week.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.  What are some things you do to maintain balance in your own life?

photo credit: janusz l

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How to Be Self Employed & Uber Productive – Sort of…

posted 24th February 2010    Written by: Heather Rae    CATEGORY: All Posts, Heather Rae, Job/Career/Work, Season 2

Being self employed is seriously hard.

Not that I really consider myself self employed.  One would assume that if you’re self employed, you’re making money.  I’m not.  Let’s be honest about that.  I’m working my ass off from the comfort of my home, for nothing more than the satisfaction of doing exactly what I want.

Seriously.  That’s it.

Hopefully, one day, someone will pay me for my hard work.  For now, I’ll have to settle for satisfaction.

So back to why it’s hard to work for myself. Actually – let me first tell you the perks.  For starters, my boss rocks!  She let’s me come in when I want, take breaks when I want, take long lunches, waste hours on the internet and leave when I want.

How’s that for freedom?

What’s the downside to having the best boss in the world?  Well, it’s all this damn freedom.  Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE it.  But it does take a bit of an adjustment and some serious self-discipline not to blow the whole day Facebook stalking old flames and watching Gilmore Girls reruns.

Seriously, I thought I would leave my job and immediately move into being uber productive and massively efficient. I would redesign my website on Monday, write a novel by Wednesday and be a bestselling author by Friday.  Sounds reasonable, doesn’t it?

Okay, perhaps I’m exaggerating a bit.  But I really did think that switching from being a micro-managed employee to someone who works for herself would be simple.

I’m not finding it so easy.

I’ve always been great with time management.  I’m a ninja multi-tasker, and I kick ass when it comes to productivity. Being productive, no sweat!

But I find that I excel most when I have a deadline.  In this new venture, I have no deadlines (no real ones anyway).

I need to give myself structure – to schedule my days in ways that keep me working and productive, to stop getting sidetracked by every little thing that crosses my path.

A few “self-employed” things have helped so far:

  1. Although the thought of it made me want to vomit a little, I decided to go back to getting up early and using my alarm clock. As much as I resisted, the fact is, I have to actually be awake in order to benefit from the extra hours I get from not having a day job.
  2. For some of my work, writing in particular, I have to be alone. This is a tough one.  My fiancé and I live together in a tiny one bedroom apartment.  He also happens to be in between projects at the moment (leaving the military and waiting for his residency to start), so he’s home all the time too.  I thought this fact would be the most fun ever – and it kind of is.  Except that it’s totally distracting.  To solve this, I’ve started assigning myself dedicated hours for writing – in which I shut myself in the bedroom and don’t come out until I’m done.  On a side note, I’ve also found that a laptop, a bed and a boatload of pillows make for an uber comfy work space.
  3. I discovered a super simple program for writing called Dark Room (Write Room on Mac). When viewed in full screen mode, you see nothing on your computer but a black background and the text that you’re typing.  This is seriously good for those of us prone to distractions (like shiny buttons, formatting options and that ever-calling internet browser).   I didn’t believe it would help until I tried it for myself.  Now I’m hooked.

So that’s where I’m at so far.  I’d love to hear some of your ideas.  Have you found ways to stay on track and keep productive when working on your own projects or being self employed?

[Editor's Note:  Just in case you lovely people haven't checked out Heather Rae's personal blog- do it!   You can follow more of her adventures and reflections as she writes a novel, travels the world and pursues her passions. And bonus of all bonuses- today she wrote about her experiences thus far with the Joy Plan!  Personal values, anyone?]

photo credit: blustar_tam

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Coming Full Circle (My Childhood Definition of Success)

posted 17th February 2010    Written by: Heather Rae    CATEGORY: All Posts, Heather Rae, Season 2, What I've Learned

When I was a kid and people asked what I wanted to do when I grew up, I answered with whatever I thought was fun at the moment.  I went from wanting to be a ballerina to a soap opera actress to a fashion designer to an architect.

I had a lot of interests.

Then sometime in high school, things changed.

I would think about my future career and had this vague notion of what the work would be, but what I really thought about was what I would get from it – a corner office, tailored suits, a nice car, prestige.

I was taught that fun and pleasure seeking were somehow synonymous with being being irresponsible or immature. Plus, that’s right about the time I realized just how poor my family was.  I became somewhat obsessed with the idea of doing better than my parents when it came to finances.  I didn’t want to stress over paying the mortgage.  I didn’t want to stress over putting gas in the car.  I didn’t’ want to stress over buying groceries.

And so my focus changed – I stopped thinking about having fun, and I started thinking about making money.

I think this was where I began to lose myself.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with making money.  We all need it to some extent, and feeling comfortable with your ability to pay the bills certainly helps to put your mind at ease.

Studies have shown that once you reach a certain level of income, everything else is just cake.  At that point, your happiness is due to other factors and has little to do with money.  And that level of income – it’s not that much. Really, it’s just enough to live modestly without stressing about paying the bills.

I’ve come to realize just how true this is.  Since finishing grad school, I’ve had two jobs.  The first was an exceptionally well paid position with a local nonprofit.  I know, sounds like an oxymoron – how can one work at a non-profit and be exceptionally well paid?  It turned out they were paying for my sanity, as they had every intention of taking it. Looking back, I credit that job with teaching me that money isn’t everything.

I decided I’d rather make less money working somewhere that didn’t provide a straight jacket as part of the uniform.

And that’s where my last job came in.  I worked at a great university that was a five minute drive from my house.  I purposely sought a position that, although didn’t seem the most exciting, wouldn’t stress me out.  The pay was okay and came with the added perks of being able to bike to work and go home for lunch.

In short, I picked a job that would allow me to have a life. And, as far as sanity goes, it was a better choice.  The only problem – it really was boring.  Looking back, I credit that job with teaching me that I really do want to stretch my mind and be challenged in my work.

And so, in the five years since finishing grad school, I have slowly come full circle.

In a way, I’ve felt myself becoming a kid again – seeking a life that is filled with fun and endless possibilities.

I’ve realized that money truly is not everything – that the ability to buy designer clothes, purchase a large house and drive nice cars has absolutely nothing to do with happiness.

For me, happiness has more to do with fulfillment on a personal level.  It has to do with finding work that is meaningful to me, taking part in activities that align with my own values and building lasting relationships with other people.

I want my life to be full of creativity, adventure, friendship and love.

And that’s what this next phase is all about – seeking personal fulfillment.

The idea that happiness comes from material success?  I dumped that with yesterday’s trash, right where it belongs.

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My Biggest Fan

posted 10th February 2010    Written by: Heather Rae    CATEGORY: All Posts, Heather Rae, Love, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 2

My fiancé is my best friend.  We’ve been together for seven years.  I tell him everything.  Seriously, it’s true.

I tell him when I come up with a really bad plot for a novel, when I dream up my next crazy adventure, when I’m frustrated with life – you name it, I tell him about it.  Even when it’s inappropriate – like, “Hey honey, you would not believe, I totally have a crush on some guy!”

As a couple, there are two rules we follow:

1. Be honest.  About everything.  Never leave anything out.  Don’t even tell a white lie.

2. Never, ever yell.  I mean never.  Never ever.

That’s it.  Those are our rules.  Everything else is minor.

I learned a long time ago to let go of unrealistic expectations. There’s no way to really know where our relationship will take us or how our future will look.  We both recognize the delicate balance that exists which allows us to continue growing in the same direction.  We nurture that balance.

There are days when putting in the effort to maintain a happy, healthy relationship actually seems effortless.  Then, there are days when it seems useless.  Honestly, we have both – the good days and the bad.

What’s really superb is that my fiancé is my biggest fan.  When it comes to figuring out this whole Quarterlife Crisis thing, he’s behind me all the way (often cheering and doing the wave).  I come up with the crazy ideas, and he says, “Yes – do it!”

  1. Me:  I think I’m going to quit my job.
  2. Him:  Sounds like a great idea.
  1. Me:  Maybe I should write a novel.
  2. Him:  Of course you should.
  1. Me:  I want to spend the summer volunteering in the Amazon.
  2. Him:  They’d be lucky to have you.

It goes on like that.  He’s never once said an idea was unrealistic.  If anything, he tells me I need to think bigger, reach higher. And he never even blinks when, the next week, I tell him I’ve changed my mind.

I’m lucky like that.

But as I said, it’s not always easy.  In reality, I don’t exactly know the next best thing for our relationship as I move toward a life that’s more authentic – more like me.  I sometimes fear I have dreams that don’t fit with his.  He has his own goals and ambitions.  They’re big.  He amazes me every day.  And they’re also here – in the U.S. (And for good reason.  I assure you, his need to stay stateside for the next several years is not a selfish one.)

I’m going to be really honest.  If I were single, the first thing I would do to kick off this quest for fulfillment would be to get out a map, pick a place and go. I would sell my things, let go of any attachment to material wealth and move to another country.  I would become a long term volunteer, or teach English or join the Peace Corps.  There’s something inside me that wants to break free of this place and just go.  This isn’t a random whim that’s likely to go away on its own.  I’ve been dreaming about it for years.  Only now, I actually have the means to make that dream a reality.  Sort of.

But then there’s the part of me that’s in love. The part that says, you can’t leave for that long – what would happen to your relationship?

I know he will support me, regardless of the path I take.  But I’ve been on the other side.  I’ve been the one waiting for him to come home (long story, but let’s just blame that all on the military).  To be honest, it sucks.  And it wouldn’t be fair to him.  I can’t leave for six months, a year, two years – and expect him to wait patiently.

Well, I could, but it just doesn’t feel right.

And so I struggle.  I struggle to strike a delicate balance between the two things that pull at me – real love and the need to get out in the world and see it all.

I want to find a way to have my cake.  And then eat it.  I mean, really.  Has anyone ever said to you, “Hey, do you want to have some cake?” and then expected you not to eat it?  Of course not.  If you’re going to have cake, you’re obviously going to eat it.  So that’s what I’m working on – how to have both.  Right now, that looks like multiple trips that are shorter in length.  It looks like coming home to the man I love and then leaving to do the things that I love.

People often think that relationships should follow a certain set of rules or look a certain way.  I disagree.  I think a relationship should look exactly how the couple involved wants it to look. Make up your own rules.  Do what works for you.  As for me, I’m still trying to figure it all out.

And maybe that’s how it should be – always searching, always learning, always trying.

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