Category: Heather Rae

When One Chapter Ends, Another Begins

posted 28th July 2010    Written by: Heather Rae    CATEGORY: Heather Rae, Season 2, What I've Learned

Six months ago, I started a new journey.  I walked away from my job and made a pact with myself – I would write my novel, start traveling and develop as an artist.  And then I decided to share that journey with you.

That’s been the best part in some ways, sharing this experience with other people who totally get it.  Which is also probably the reason I put off writing this post for so long.  What can I say?  I’m having a little separation anxiety.

Actually, I’ve been having a lot of separation anxiety lately.  Two weeks ago, I uprooted myself from Pasadena to start a new life in the Seattle area.  I arrived in the Pacific Northwest after a freaking long yet somehow amazing road trip, and the reality of leaving my friends behind hit me.  Then I realized I’d also moved incredibly far from my family in Las Vegas.  Everyone is so far away.

These days, I remind myself of this: when one chapter ends, another begins.

So, long story short, this is my last official Stratejoy post.  Personally, the fact that six months have passed since this all began, well, I can’t believe it.  Can you? I seriously had to look at the calendar and count the months to be sure.  (Not even kidding about that.)  I left my job six months ago.  I started writing for Stratejoy six months ago.  I set out to work on myself and my dreams, yep, six months ago.

Looking back at where I started, I think I’ve done pretty well.  It has, by no means, been a perfect journey.  But I made an absolutely amazing start.  And for me, for where I am right now in this moment, it actually is perfect.  Because what I’ve realized is this — where I am at any moment in time, that’s exactly where I should be.

I finished the first draft of my novel.  I haven’t started traveling yet (unless you count a three-day, six state road trip through the western U.S. and moving out of state), but I am making plans to take an international trip before the year is out.  Writing a novel sort of took over my life, leaving my art on the back burner.  I did, however, join a group for mixed-media collage artists, and I can’t wait to meet the group in August.  I went rock climbing and hiking and spent more time outdoors.  And I found a great language institute where I’ll sign up for French classes in the fall.

All in all, not a bad ride.  And it’s only just begun.  That’s the beauty in all of this.  The years may be short, but the days are long.  And I plan to pack as much life into each day as I possibly can.

I invite you to continue following my journey — the likely maddening experience of revising a novel, the joy of meeting new friends, the sadness of missing old ones, the love, the wins, the fails and my attempt to break all the rules.  Send me an email.  Leave me a comment.  Tweet me.  (And I may just resort to begging Molly to let me guest post on occasion.)  Also, if you’re ever in the Seattle area (maybe you already are), I’d love to meet you!

Here’s how to find me:

My Blog — In Search of Squid

Twitter — @insearchofsquid

There’s a song lyric that I love.  “Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.”

And so, I’m signing off.  I’m thinking of it as a new beginning. A new beginning for the next group of sure-to-be-amazing Stratejoy bloggers.  And a new beginning for me, as I embark on this next chapter.

[Note from the Editor:  Okay, Heather Rae, I'm totally crying over here.  When I think back to your journey, the immense of amount of bravery, ups and downs, and grace in the face of some BIG changes- I get all choked up.  You're the epitome of a gutsy girl and I'm incredibly grateful that you shared it all with us.  Thank you from all of us.  Seriously, sunshine-  You are INSPIRING.  I can't wait to say I knew you when...

And I'm ridiculously excited for our long, long lunch next Monday.  To thank you in person, to give you a great big hug, to welcome you to this next part of your journey here in Seattle.  I wish you all the best in the world- adventures, love, learning, and success served up exactly as you'd like it.  I'm thrilled that we're going to be fast friends here in the Northwest.  Can't you just feel it?  :)    Love x 30,  Molly]

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Everything About Me You Never Thought to Ask

posted 21st July 2010    Written by: Heather Rae    CATEGORY: Heather Rae, Season 2

Molly, Nicole, Katie and I decided to mix things up this week and interview each other.  We each threw in a few questions and then tackled them on our own.  It’s amazing what you can learn about people this way.  So here’s my take on what they wanted to know.  Enjoy.

What can’t you live without?   What do you wish there was less of in the world?

Well, there’s the obvious, like love and friendship.  I certainly can’t live without those things.  But if we’re talking about life’s indulgences, I definitely can’t live without internet access.  I’ve been without for the past week, and I’ve got to say, it’s killing me.  How did we ever live without the internet?

As for what I wish there were less of in the world?  I wish there were less violence, less hate and less judgment.  I wish everyone had the opportunity to live their own life, as they saw fit, without the rest of us judging their actions.  So long as no one’s hurting anyone else, that’s what matters.  Less judgment, more love.

Inspiration List.   Person?  Song?  Book?  Website?  Place?

Person:  Although there are many more, here are two that you’ll recognize.  Hillary Clinton and Madeleine Albright top my list at the moment.  I’ve read their books, followed their careers and been inspired by each of them at one time or another.  Their endeavors help me to remember that anything is possible – I just have to put myself out there and try.

Song:  I love music.  It has this way of getting into my soul and moving me, right down to my core.  Currently, Bon Jovi’s Love’s the Only Rule is seriously inspiring.

Book:  I read about a book a week, so this one is really hard to narrow down.  I’m huge into women’s issues, so I would definitely say Half the Sky: Turning Oppression into Opportunity for Women Worldwide.  You can’t read it without being touched.  Seriously, you’ll want to get out there and make a difference as soon as you finish it.  Also, The China Study by T. Colin Campbell greatly influenced my eating habits.

Website:  There’s a website on writing that I love.  It has so many practical tips and writing exercises and always gets me in the mood to put pen to paper.  It’s called How to Plan, Write, and Develop a Book and is written by Mary Carroll Moore.  If you’re at all interested in writing a book of your own, I highly recommend her site.

Place:  The cliffs overlooking the ocean in Palos Verdes, CA.  I would drive down there on occasion and just watch the waves.  It’s peaceful and beautiful and awe inspiring.

What’s your favorite food memory?

On my first trip to Maui, I went with one of my very best friends.  Our first day, we ate at a restaurant called the Hula Grill.  Sitting in the sand, we listened to a guy sing and play guitar while splitting a specialty pizza and a French dip.  It was divine.  We went back a few times before we left.  Now, every time we return, the Hula Grill is our very first stop.

If you had to spend $10,000 in one day, what would you do with it?

I would definitely book a trip.  I’d spend a week in Peru trekking to Machu Picchu and then head over to Ecuador for a cruise to the Galapagos Islands before spending a week camping and kayaking with a guide in the Amazon Rainforest.  Heaven.

Describe your priorities in four words or less.

Love.  Travel.  Friendship.  Joy.

What is the one thing you most want to be known for?

I want to be known for having tried.  I may not be a runaway hit in everything I do, but I want people to know that I tried everything that inspired me, everything I was interested in, everything I thought might make a difference in someone’s life.  I want a person to see my efforts and say, “Hey, if she can try doing what she loves, maybe I can, too.”

You’re in a bar for karaoke night, you have three songs to sing – and each has to be one that you relate to on each of these things: Love – Life – Friends. Which three songs do you choose, and why?

Love:  You and I, sung by Michael Buble.  It gives me goose bumps every time I hear it.  It’s one of those songs that capture the essence of love so wholly, so completely.  It takes your breath away.

Life:  You’ll have Time, sung by William Shatner.  I heard this song while sitting on the train on my way home from work several years ago.  It’s kind of funny and a little morbid, and when I heard it, something clicked.  I soon left my job and set out to discover what I was really passionate about in life.

Friends:  Lean on Me, sung by Bill Withers.  I think we can all relate to the lyrics in this song, and every time I hear it, it puts a smile on my face.  It’s always good to know you have someone to lean on.

What’s the weirdest thing that you’ve cried because of? (Maybe a movie, an unexpected song, something someone said that wouldn’t normally inflict emotion)

Everything makes me cry.  I once cried because of a Wal-Mart commercial.  I’m pretty sentimental in that way.  (And I swear, that commercial was really touching.)  But here’s one that may not sound surprising to you, though it certainly was to me: I cried when I left my apartment in Pasadena for the last time.  I spent the last six years talking about how much I wanted to move out of that apartment.  When it came time to leave, though, it was hard.  I’d created a life there, and I wasn’t sure I was ready to let it go.

I’m coming to visit your city for just 2 hours during a layover flight for a business trip. Where would you be certain to take me and why?

I only got to Seattle (well, technically, Kirkland) a week ago.  I don’t really know anything yet.  So I’d probably take you to the downtown area by the water.  It’s cute and seems to have good restaurants.  Now, if I were taking you somewhere in Pasadena, I’d take you on a hike to the Eaton Canyon waterfall.  It’s awesome.  And I love finding hidden natural treasures in the midst of a city.

If you could have any super power, what would it be and why?

I’d have the power to turn into a fly.  That way, I could literally be a fly on the wall.  People’s lives fascinate me, and it would be amazing to see how they really live, what they do, what they say.  Imagine all the stories I could come up with for my books?  Let’s just hope no one would swat me!

If you could live anywhere in the world for six months (money being no object), where would you live and why?

This is actually on my life list, to live in another country for at least six months.  Honestly, I’d go just about anywhere.  I love learning about cultures different from my own.  I’ve been dying to learn French, so I’d probably choose a French speaking country.  Maybe somewhere in Africa?  Or even France itself?  I might even choose Tahiti and spend my days hiking and exploring little known beaches and my nights sleeping in an over water bungalow or camping under the stars.

What do you consider the most important event in your life so far?

Certainly, meeting Steven immensely changed the direction of my life.  Completing college was a huge milestone that shaped the way I look at the world.  Quitting my job to focus on writing a book; taking a chance, being brave and following my passions instead of a paycheck.

In the end, I hope when I look back there isn’t one event that stands out above the rest.  I hope there are a thousand events, all different and remarkable to me, that touch my heart and shape my world in their own unique way.

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On Road Trips and Friendships and Taking Chances

posted 14th July 2010    Written by: Heather Rae    CATEGORY: Heather Rae, Season 2

It’s 4:30 A.M.  I arrived in Seattle yesterday afternoon, and I can’t sleep.  Perhaps this is because I’m sleeping on the floor of our new apartment.  And let’s be honest, the floor’s pretty hard.  Or maybe it’s because I’m in a new city, I’ve got a million things on my mind and a million things to do, and aside from getting over the initial exhaustion, it’s hard to sleep with all that running through my head.  Either way, I’ll be happy when the moving truck arrives, and I get my bed back.

Getting here, I took quite the road trip.  I spent a little over a week in Las Vegas visiting friends and family.  Then I was off.

I drove alone to Seattle.  Now that was one experience I’ll never forget. At first, I was a bit scared heading here by myself.  No.  Let me rephrase.  I wasn’t scared at first.  I didn’t get scared until I started telling people that I was driving up on my own.  That’s when everyone started looking at me with wide eyes, asking if I would be okay, telling me how scared they would be if they had to make the trip alone, making me promise I would call when I arrived to assure them I didn’t encounter any accidents or ax murderers on the way.

This brings up an interesting point.  My friends are most often my biggest cheerleaders, always on my side, rooting me on when things get hard or I need a nudge in the right direction. But there are also occasions when they can be the source of my anxiety.  Like when I plan to take a 1,200 mile road trip alone.

Suddenly, I found myself wondering what would happen if I got a flat tire, afraid I wouldn’t find an adequate place to stay along the way, scared of running out of gas, anxious that I’d get in a wreck with a semi truck, hoping I wouldn’t hit a deer and worried I didn’t choose the best route.

Yeah, a lot of bad things can happen.  For the record, none of them did.  The trip went off without a hitch.  And I even kind of enjoyed it.

So why is it those same people we love most are often the ones that make us think twice before making a big change, doing something out of the ordinary or taking a chance? Probably because we care about what they think.  After all, no one wants to be a disappointment.  And taking chances and making change?  Well, those things leave us open for the possibility.  We might do something wrong or something simply might not work out as we hoped.

And then we’d have to face our loved ones and admit things didn’t go well.  We might even feel like we failed.

Of course, the fact that our friends care enough to warn us of potential dangers is also what’s amazing about them.  It’s part of what lets us know they care.  And true friends, the ones that love you no matter what?  Well, they do just that.  They love you no matter what.  Yes, they might remind you of the challenges ahead, they might worry about you, they might even question your sanity.  But in the end, they’re by your side.

The fact that I had a gazillion phone calls to make when I arrived, calls to assure my loved ones I’d made it safe and sound, tells me that I’m cared about, that I’m loved.  And as long as I’m strong enough to listen to the advice of others but continue making decisions based on what I want, well, that’s what matters. I’m happy to have a strong support system.  I’m happy that I’m pretty damn independent and am content to make the choices that are right for me.

And I’m happy to have so much love in my life.

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Begin Where You Are

posted 7th July 2010    Written by: Heather Rae    CATEGORY: Heather Rae, Season 2

Last Wednesday, I loaded all of my belongings onto a moving truck and sent them off to Kirkland, Washington (a city just outside of Seattle).

And to be honest, I’m having mixed feelings about this move out of Los Angeles.

What’s weird is that I’ve wanted to move for several years. Los Angeles didn’t grow on me the way it did on so many I know. It always seemed too crowded, too polluted and too expensive for my taste.

But after several years, I got used to it. I became comfortable in my little apartment in Pasadena, and I developed close friends. I became accustomed to everything being an hour away – be it the beach, large shopping centers, the mountains or some random, inner-city hiking trail.

Here’s the think about L.A. If you’re looking for things to complain about, there is no shortage. But if you’re looking for things to love, there’s no shortage of that either. I love the people. I love that it’s multicultural, that I can find neighborhoods where people speak pretty much any language I can imagine, that I can live any way I please without people judging, that I can find authentic ethnic food just about anywhere, that there’s a college around every corner, that the weather rarely strays far from 75 degrees in either direction at any time of year. In that way, it’s pretty awesome.

And so Seattle has a lot to live up to.

I’ve heard great things about Seattle. And we ended up finding a great apartment about twenty minutes from the city. I’m excited for that. I’m excited to see where we’ll live, to explore a new area, to sign up for dance classes and art classes and French classes. I’m excited that I have a few friends up there already. And I’m excited for the friends I’m yet to meet.

But I’m still scared. This is such a big change. The weather is vastly different and the location is relatively far (from anything I know, anyway).

Last week, I was really nervous about moving day. I worried that my friends, those helping to load the truck, might not get there on time. I was worried that the company might not arrive as scheduled. I was worried things would break in an attempt to get them out of my apartment door and down the narrow stairway.

In the end, it all turned out okay. More people than I expected showed up to help load the truck, and we finished the load in a record 59 minutes. (I’m really hoping my clock was right, seeing as how I was charged by the hour for the truck driver to wait around while we loaded.) My friends were awesome. Everyone that said they’d show came through for me. All in all, the day went really, really well.

I did a walk through with the apartment manager. He looked around, said everything looked good, and I handed him the keys. Then something strange happened. I walked down the stairs for the last time and got in my car – and I nearly started to cry.

I did not expect to have this reaction. I didn’t think leaving would be so difficult. I didn’t imagine on the day of my departure, I would linger around, having breakfast, getting tea and taking walks with friends. I thought I would run to my car, delighted, start it up and go. I thought I would be ecstatic to leave.

In the end I wasn’t ecstatic. I was a bit sad.

For the next two weeks, I’m visiting family in Vegas, waiting for my new apartment in Seattle to be ready. In the few days I’ve been here, I’ve felt a seed of excitement slowly take root. Things are finally changing. This is exactly what I’ve been asking for. I don’t know where I’ll be or how I’ll be feeling about all of this next year. I don’t know what wisdom hindsight will bring me.

I read something today that said, “there is nothing you can do that can’t be undone, refined or done over. So don’t wait. Begin where you are.”

On an emotional level, I’m not exactly sure where I am these days. But I’m beginning. I’m taking this next step into the unknown.

This marks a new chapter. And I think I’m ready for the ride.

photo credit: whole wheat toast

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Money and Control

posted 30th June 2010    Written by: Heather Rae    CATEGORY: Heather Rae, Money, Season 2

Money and I have an interesting relationship.  I mean, I like money.  It’s great to have around when I need to do something like, say, pay the rent.  But, other than that, I kind of wish it had no part in my life.  Seriously.

Like most people, I struggle with a lifelong love-hate relationship with cash. I want it.  I want lots and lots of it.  But not so that it can be front and center in my life.  Rather, because I want the chance to completely forget about it — for once.

If my friends were to choose one word to describe how I handle my finances, they’d probably choose one of these:  frugal, cheap, careful, thrifty…or, perhaps, tight-ass.  And if we’re being honest here, I’d have to admit they’re right.  The reason I hate money is not because I don’t have enough.  For all intents and purposes, I do.  It’s because I don’t feel like I have enough.

Between having parents that fought about money pretty much every day and having a mother that told me, “It’s just as easy to marry for a rich man as it is a poor man”, I imagine it was somewhat inevitable for me to end up having anxiety when it comes to handling my finances.

There was a plus side to this.  I became fiercely financially independent.  I learned to save.  (And I mean seriously save.)  With the exception of a few student loans, I carry no debt.  I don’t use credit cards unless I can pay them in full at the end of the month.  And I’ve never depended on a beau to support me.  Never.

But then, that’s also the problem.  This fierce need to be independent, to never ask for help, to do it all on my own — well, it’s tiring.  And not only for me.  It’s tiring for my fiancé, too.

Let me give you an example.  As you know, I left my job in February.  Before making that decision, I saved for two years.  I had enough money to support my lifestyle for a year before having to return to work.

I’d say it was about two weeks after leaving my job that I broke down in tears, sobbing to the fiancé that I was afraid we’d run out of money before the year was up.  He said, “Heather, how much money do you have?”  (After a freak out like that, he was worried that perhaps I was right.)  So I told him.  He looked at me, confused.  “So what are you worried about again?”

I knew I had enough money to last the year.  But that didn’t stop me from breaking down and freaking out.

And just to make my point really clear, I’ll give you another example.  My fiancé and I are very careful to live below our means.  We figure it’s better to have extra money than risk not having enough.  Because of this, we could easily get by on one income.

You might think this would make me happy.  When the year is up and my savings run dry, I could potentially count on his income to carry us through as I continue pursuing my writing goals.  We’ve discussed this possibility.  He fully supports me and encourages me to keep doing what makes me happy and not worry about going back to work.

But instead of being happy about this, I stress.  And I nag, and I worry.

I don’t know how to let go of control when it comes to money.  I don’t know how to trust someone else to pay the bills, to take care of me, to be there for me.  And if I do.  If I let go of that control and let him take care of me, does that somehow make me weak?  Am I setting myself up for financial disaster in the future?  Am I letting another person have too much control over my life?

Yeah.  You could say I have money issues.  (And trust issues.  And control issues.  And all sorts of other issues.)

All I can tell you is I’m working on it.  I’m not there yet, but I really am making progress.  In some ways, walking away from my job was the best decision I could ever have made.  And I’m not saying that because I’m taking an opportunity to chase my dreams.  (Though that’s wonderful, too.)  Rather, It’s forced me to face my control issues head on.

I’ve had to let go of the security that comes with a stable job and learn to deal with questions. (Will this book ever sell?  Can I make it as a writer?  What if I run out of money?  Can I allow myself to trust that I don’t have to do this alone?)  So many questions.  More questions than answers.

Facing these uncertainties has helped me to make progress in so many ways.  Little by little, day by day, I feel myself letting go.  I feel myself getting more comfortable with uncertainty. And, honestly, if things do go terribly wrong, I’m pretty sure I would handle it better than I would have prior to this experience.

It’s funny how that works sometimes.  I left my job for no other reason than to chase a few dreams.  And I’ve ended up getting so much more from that decision.  Now that’s a good thing.

photo credit: Toban Black

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