Category: What I've Learned

Quarterlife Crisis Anyone?

posted 1st March 2010    Written by: Katie    CATEGORY: All Posts, Inspiration, Katie, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 2, What I've Learned

I’m the exception to every rule.

No, I’m serious. Every. Single. Rule.

As women, we are expected to be emotional, prepared, successful, happy creatures who know exactly what we want and how to get it. I don’t know who created these expectations, but I want them shot, or at least put through a super-scientific experiment where we inject their lives with the Quarterlife Crisis.

When I heard about Stratejoy, I was, I’d say, 430% skeptical. I had bought every self help book there is to buy from every bookstore on the east coast. I spent countless hours sitting in my room, reading through books that tried to tell me how to get out of the slump that I was in based on other people’s experiences.

I don’t know if it’s me, but relating to others who have nothing in common with me just doesn’t work.

Before I committed to doing the Stratejoy Joy Equation program, and long before I applied to be a guest blogger, I decided to look into it a little bit more. I wanted to find the loophole where it said that the program was not for me. Maybe it was just for professional women;  Or married women;  Or women who knew what they wanted; None of which described me at all.

So… I read a few of the blog posts by Molly and her group of  Season One bloggers.

At one point, I had to get up and walk away from my computer.  Who were these women? How did they know exactly how I was feeling? You mean, I’m not a freak of nature? It was in that moment that I was sold on the idea of giving the program a try. If nothing else, to prove Molly wrong. To prove that there was someone out there that this program wouldn’t work for.

It might sound like I was being a bit negative – and I was.

When you go through a bunch of disappointments in life,  you learn not to expect too much from anyone or anything. I didn’t want to expect a life changing experience from Stratejoy, not get it, and be eternally depressed that I am truly a freak of nature who can’t be helped.

But I did it.

Within 3 hours, I had my first e-mail from Molly. A welcoming ‘hello’ and the very first writing assignment. I buzzed right through it, and waiting patiently for the next day. It was one of the first few assignments that knocked me out of the water and changed the way I looked at things forever. I was asked to recall the last time I was truly happy, and to describe how I felt.

Easy, right? For most people, sure. But not for me, not the exception to the rule. I realized after 30 minutes of steady thought cramming that I wasn’t able to remember when I was happy. Or how I felt when I was happy. Or anything with the word happy in it. Except Happy Gilmore. Awesome movie.

It was in that moment that I made the realization that I don’t pay enough attention to the moments in which I’m happy, and I focus a lot on the negative. This was a powerful thing for me to realize, and since that revelation, I’ve focused a lot more on living in the moment and being totally open to all of my emotions, especially happiness.

And that realization came on the third or fourth day. I still had 20+ days to go.

The Stratejoy program was a month filled with laughter, tears, life decisions, and mending. All of my life questions weren’t answered at the end of the program, but I do feel like I know what I want next, and how I need to go about doing it.  I had made a new friend in Molly, who when she called me for our “Jam Session”, was easier to talk to than I had ever imagined.

The other day I was talking with a friend and we got to the game of “20 Questions”. He asked me what person inspired me most in 2010. I answered a proud, “Molly Hoyne. Because her Joy Equation helped me find myself underneath the years of pain, frustration, and fear. I now wake up and am excited to spend the day with myself. That says a lot for someone who hated her skin for years.”

He replied; “So really, your most inspiring person is yourself.”

Touche, Friend. Touche.

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Letter To My Younger Self

posted 23rd February 2010    Written by: Nicole Antoinette    CATEGORY: All Posts, Nicole Antoinette, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 2, What I've Learned

Dear 8th Grade Nicole Antoinette:

First and foremost, enjoy your last year living in London.  You don’t know this yet, but you’re going to be moving back to the states next summer and it’s going to be a really difficult adjustment.

With that said, keep in mind that the adjustment will be easier if you don’t spend the entire summer hiding in your new house making collages because you’re too intimidated by how skinny and blonde everyone is in California.

The first friends you meet in California will not be good or true friends, but don’t worry, halfway through Junior year in high school you’ll meet amazing people and they’ll make the trauma of an across-the-Atlantic-ocean move worth it.  Appreciate these friends, but don’t get quite so cliquey.

Which is to say that maybe referring to yourselves as “the Cool 6” out loud and in public isn’t the best way to go.

Let’s see, what else? Oh, right, when that cute guy tries to pick you up on the street at the church carwash, don’t give him your number.  He will ruin a large part of your life.

Stop saying “like” so much.

Keep a journal, and when you’re writing in it, try to write about things other than boys.  Write about your family and your friendships, write about your goals and your fears.  Try not to be shallow.

You are not fat. No, really, you’re not. No, not even a little bit.

Be a little more open minded about colleges.  Yes, NYU is great, but other schools are great too and are worth looking at without the “I don’t care because if I don’t go to NYU I’m going to die” blinders on.

Don’t drink mass quantities of vodka and cranberry juice on an empty stomach when Marc is house sitting.  You have only drank twice before and have no idea how to hold your liquor. Purple vomit isn’t pretty. Your friends cleaning up your purple vomit is even less pretty. Eat a sandwich and have a beer instead.

Apply for more scholarships. Repaying your student loans is such a heinous and financially debilitating suckfest and it will eat up a huge portion of your income from after you graduate college until forever.

Push yourself.  Break that awful habit you have of immediately quitting/giving up on things that you aren’t instantly and naturally good at.

Be more compassionate of your mom when she’s hospitalized.

Don’t buy so many shirts from Abercrombie & Fitch with tongue-in-cheek sexual sayings on them.  A reference to water polo girls “doing it better in the water” isn’t cute on a 16 year old.  Actually, this shirt isn’t cute on anyone. You don’t even play water polo. You don’t even know how to play water polo.

And you look like a slut. So yeah, cut that shit out.

Work on not taking everything so seriously. I know you have never been good at moderation (I hate to tell you that unfortunately, this doesn’t change, you simply become more aware of the problem and discuss it endlessly with your therapist), but try.  Not everything is the be-all-end-all of your existence.

Take more pictures.

Do not allow yourself to get dragged into the mess between your parents.  When your mom tries to overshare about it, tell her that although you love her, you want to preserve your mother-daughter relationship.  Tell her you love your father and that you feel she’s crossing the line.  The payoff from this will outweigh every other piece of advice I could give you.

And, lastly, I want you to know two things: that you’re responsible for your own happiness, and that the things you think are earth shatteringly important usually aren’t.

The best and most important moments are those that happen on the sidelines, on the fuzzy edges of everything else.

Love,

Nicole, age 24

photo credit: lowjumpingfrog

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The $480 Anger Theory

posted 18th February 2010    Written by: Katie    CATEGORY: All Posts, Inspiration, Katie, Season 2, What I've Learned

I never really considered myself an angry person, so when I was seeing a therapist last year and she told me I had “anger issues”, it took all of the energy in the world not to kick her in the head walk out.

She, of course, could see the hostility in my face, and she went on to explain that I don’t have a violent anger problem;  I do the exact opposite.  I hold it in and direct it internally, which is equally as damaging – but only to myself.

She then asked me to define anger. I said something obvious like “to be mad”. She kept pushing me to refine my definition, telling me that I was naming emotions, but I needed her to shine the light on it.

“Anger is not getting what you want.”

It took me a few moments, weird looks directed at her, and thoughts about how she was a quack, but I eventually understood.

All of the times I’ve been angry, it’s been because I’ve not gotten when I wanted. Whether it was attention from a significant other, silence when I’m trying to work, or money when I’m low on funds,  it’s been because whatever I wanted, I wasn’t getting.  The anger part of it all was simply an emotion.

I had to go to the root of the problem to solve it.

That same day in therapy I made some breakthroughs and realized where my anger was coming from. It could be attributed to regressing all of my feelings from childhood. I felt kind of… free when I realized this. My therapist was super supportive too. She even “promoted me”.

“I think we should meet once a week instead of once every other week.”

It’s funny how the same words coming from a potential love interest would have me smiling from ear to ear, but coming from Dr. Mental Sortout, I felt like the slow kid in class who had to stay after school and be enrolled in “Special Gym”.

(Yes, special gym exists. My 4th grade gym teacher made me go because I wasn’t able to run a mile or bend all the way down and touch my toes like the other kids. Hello, “not being good enough” complex.)

For as long as I can remember, when I would wake up in a bad mood, or a not-so-awesome moment strikes me, I’d  instantly get huffy and puffy about it.

I hate being in a bad mood and I’m not afraid to show it, even if it means that I give the people around me little dose of New Jersey attitude. It doesn’t exactly make the situation better, but when I’m in a bad mood, I don’t want to see other people’s shining and glorious faces. It’s like eating lots and lots of candy in front of a diabetic – sad and cruel.

Especially when you’re the diabetic, or in my case the angry one.

In honor of my therapist’s brilliant breakthrough I figured I would humor her and give her whole theory a whirl. After all, I might as well make the most of that $120/hour that I’m spending on each (then weekly) session. If the reason for anger is the fact that I’m not getting what I want, then why I don’t I just, you know, get what I want. I decided that the next time that I was angry, I would try and pinpoint what it was that I wasn’t getting, and find a way to get it.

I found myself getting pretty angry at a lot of things. The house was too noisy for me to work in. Instead of screaming and yelling for quiet, I put some relaxing music on my iPod (Kenny G. Don’t Judge Me) and worked through it.

I found myself angry that I didn’t have any money to go out on a Friday night. Instead of becoming a whiny little girl, I decided to take that Friday night to find some freelance side jobs and put that money into a “Girls Night Out Fund.”

I was angry because I had a horrible headache, but had a lot of work to get done. Instead of sitting in front of the computer angry, straining my eyes and head further, and being non-productive, I took an Excedrin, took an extra little nap and e-mailed my clients and told them I was under the weather.

So, I had my anger in check. Score!

And it only took me $480/month to figure that out.

Recently I’ve found myself in more bad moods than good moods. Even the bright sunny days have me down in the dumps and wanting to disappear under the covers. According to the “Therapy Theory of Anger”, I’m apparently not getting what I want.  Surely, on rainy days, I’d rather have some sun.

However, I can’t control this. I wish I could. So, maybe it was something deeper. What the heck was it?

After some soul searching I figured it out.  When I was going through my depression last year, I spent my days just trying to get from one day to the next. Now that I’ve “come out of it’, living day to day just isn’t cutting it.

I want something else, I want more,  I’m not getting it, and I’m pissed about it.

This realization doesn’t have a solution.

But I’m working on it. Instead of sitting around wondering where the universe it going to take me, I’m taking life by the balls and making things happen. I’m saying ‘yes’ to things I typically wouldn’t.

I’ve decided to move clear across the country next year to a city I’ve never been to, and don’t know anyone in. Are these the things that I want? Maybe.

But there’s only one way to find out.

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Coming Full Circle (My Childhood Definition of Success)

posted 17th February 2010    Written by: Heather Rae    CATEGORY: All Posts, Heather Rae, Season 2, What I've Learned

When I was a kid and people asked what I wanted to do when I grew up, I answered with whatever I thought was fun at the moment.  I went from wanting to be a ballerina to a soap opera actress to a fashion designer to an architect.

I had a lot of interests.

Then sometime in high school, things changed.

I would think about my future career and had this vague notion of what the work would be, but what I really thought about was what I would get from it – a corner office, tailored suits, a nice car, prestige.

I was taught that fun and pleasure seeking were somehow synonymous with being being irresponsible or immature. Plus, that’s right about the time I realized just how poor my family was.  I became somewhat obsessed with the idea of doing better than my parents when it came to finances.  I didn’t want to stress over paying the mortgage.  I didn’t want to stress over putting gas in the car.  I didn’t’ want to stress over buying groceries.

And so my focus changed – I stopped thinking about having fun, and I started thinking about making money.

I think this was where I began to lose myself.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with making money.  We all need it to some extent, and feeling comfortable with your ability to pay the bills certainly helps to put your mind at ease.

Studies have shown that once you reach a certain level of income, everything else is just cake.  At that point, your happiness is due to other factors and has little to do with money.  And that level of income – it’s not that much. Really, it’s just enough to live modestly without stressing about paying the bills.

I’ve come to realize just how true this is.  Since finishing grad school, I’ve had two jobs.  The first was an exceptionally well paid position with a local nonprofit.  I know, sounds like an oxymoron – how can one work at a non-profit and be exceptionally well paid?  It turned out they were paying for my sanity, as they had every intention of taking it. Looking back, I credit that job with teaching me that money isn’t everything.

I decided I’d rather make less money working somewhere that didn’t provide a straight jacket as part of the uniform.

And that’s where my last job came in.  I worked at a great university that was a five minute drive from my house.  I purposely sought a position that, although didn’t seem the most exciting, wouldn’t stress me out.  The pay was okay and came with the added perks of being able to bike to work and go home for lunch.

In short, I picked a job that would allow me to have a life. And, as far as sanity goes, it was a better choice.  The only problem – it really was boring.  Looking back, I credit that job with teaching me that I really do want to stretch my mind and be challenged in my work.

And so, in the five years since finishing grad school, I have slowly come full circle.

In a way, I’ve felt myself becoming a kid again – seeking a life that is filled with fun and endless possibilities.

I’ve realized that money truly is not everything – that the ability to buy designer clothes, purchase a large house and drive nice cars has absolutely nothing to do with happiness.

For me, happiness has more to do with fulfillment on a personal level.  It has to do with finding work that is meaningful to me, taking part in activities that align with my own values and building lasting relationships with other people.

I want my life to be full of creativity, adventure, friendship and love.

And that’s what this next phase is all about – seeking personal fulfillment.

The idea that happiness comes from material success?  I dumped that with yesterday’s trash, right where it belongs.

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Stop Wanting What You Don’t Want

posted 16th February 2010    Written by: Nicole Antoinette    CATEGORY: All Posts, Nicole Antoinette, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 2, What I've Learned

Growing up, my mother would always lecture me on how important it was to date as an adult. To have “casual courtships with multiple men” instead of one serious relationship after another.

Which maybe sounds like a good idea, but it also maybe means she was a little promiscuous and now resorts to using words like “courtship” to cover it up.

I don’t know, I’m still doing the research.

But I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately – why I don’t date like that, I mean, and I’m guessing it’s because I’m bad at emotional restraint. I’m black and white when it comes to love, I’m either in or I’m not. I either like you in a big way or I don’t.

And if I do?

I really, really do and I’m full-focus and intensely question ask-ey and I’m forever tucking all of your answers away in alphabetized mental folders like, “Awesome Birthday Gift Ideas” and “Stuff He’d Kill To Try In Bed.”

In practical application, my being like this means that I’m quite good at being your random hookup and I’m even better at being your girlfriend, but I simply have no idea how to handle the in-between relationship (you know, that point where it’s more than brand new dating but isn’t quite a full blown coupling up thing).

Because, regardless of whether or not I’m really crazy about the guy, I always find myself wanting more from him. More flirting, more phone calls, more dates, more sex, more expressions of affection, more late night conversations and, at some point, more commitment – even if I’m not willing to give those things in return.

Which, really, is total bullshit. I mean, if I only have a certain amount of time and energy to use each day, why am I wasting it wanting things for the sake of wanting them?

Because it makes me feel good in my warm little ego-ey places, that’s why.

And so my challenge to myself is to stop doing that, stop wanting what I don’t want.

Instead, I want to force myself to take the bigger risk of wanting fewer things, but wanting them more sincerely and more passionately than ever before.

photo credit: Peter Kaminski

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