I remember the day my hamstrings loosened. I have kind of a terrible memory, so naturally I don’t recall the exact date. But oh, the feeling. I was in a yoga class last summer, about five or six months after my teacher training began. As I moved into parsvottanasana – a forward bend that makes me want to punch things challenges me – I noticed that something felt different. That day, my hamstrings didn’t scream quite so much as they had been for months prior. That day, there was space to go a little deeper. I inhaled, straightening and lengthening my spine. I exhaled, folding forward just a little more than I ever had before. It might only have been one-quarter or one-half of an inch, but there it was. Something had shifted, and I was present, breathing, noticing.

Now I have a confession: I didn’t accomplish any of the goals I set for myself way back when in my third post.

In my first few drafts of this post, I wrote an explanation here about why I didn’t complete them. But you know what?

It doesn’t matter.

I wasn’t ready.

Am I now? I think so.

Five months after the beginning of my Stratejoy journey, I’m getting that same feeling in my life as I did with my hamstrings last summer. There’s space now. Things are shifting.

* * * * *

Five months. 15 countries (including the United States and Canada). 37 beds, couches, futons, armchairs, air mattresses, and uncomfortable, questionably clean train seats. Thousands of photographs.

Have I changed? Good lord, yes.

How have I changed? That’s…more involved.

There are the obvious things, of course. I’m no longer working a 9-5 job. I no longer live in Brooklyn; my residence is still transient. I’ve put on weight. I drink coffee now, and I don’t spend as much time on the internet. I no longer hit snooze ten times when Joan Jett yells, “I don’t give a damn ’bout my bad reputation!” in my ear.

The more subtle stuff is harder to nail. Some days, I still feel stuck in the same patterns in which I’ve found myself for years. Other days, I feel like a new person. I frequently find myself feeling so fucking grateful for people, places, and moments that I want to explode with joy. I’m more at peace; I’ve shaken that stressed-out-hurry-hurry-frequently-annoyed attitude that I picked up during my six years in NYC. And overall, I’m feeling truly empowered and happy. I’m sure that there are other things, but those are the ones that I’ve figured out how to verbalize so far.

It seems that the nomadic lifestyle mostly works for me.

* * * * *

While preparing to write this, I took a look at my values from The Joy Equation, which I mentioned in my second post.

Connection. Bliss. Abundance. Trust. Adventure. Courage. Magic. Strength. Without even planning it, I’ve ended up posting about each of those over the past five months. I love when it’s suddenly clear that I’m on the right track, even when I hadn’t been planning every detail.

Seeing in concrete terms that I’m now living my core values feels really fucking amazing.

* * * * *

Though my time writing in this space ends with this post, my journey will continue. Today I’m on a flight back to New York. That was definitely not part of the original plan – but then again, neither was staying in Europe until February. I wanted time for yoga, tattoos, my favorite foods, and friends and family.

And then: Australia. I’m sad to leave Europe, and at the same time, I’m ready to develop a routine again. I’m excited to meet Kate and other new friends, and pumped to start teaching yoga again. I’m gearing up for summer, kickboxing classes, and maybe learning how to surf!

I hope you’ll continue following my adventure:

twitter: shinyredtype
facebook: pierced hearts and true love
blog: piercedheartsandtruelove.com
yoga teaching schedule: katselvocki.com

Thank you all for being a part of my QLC! And as Edward Abbey wrote, “May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome, dangerous, leading to the most amazing view.”

[photo credit: my friend and travel buddy, Jenni]

I can’t say I’m surprised these past five months writing for Stratejoy went by so quickly. In between writing every week was a whirlwind of activities and new things to experience, so time ran forward at an inexhaustible pace. We were asked to ponder how we’ve all changed in the last 5 months, and at first, I thought, “That is too short a time to change, so I haven’t!” But, I started looking deeper and realizing that the small progressions I’ve made in multiple areas of my life have indeed been changing me. When I set my goals the third week of this blogging season, I talked about my fears of setting goals, and how I would be happy if I even managed to stick with one. Let’s take a final tally and see how I did, shall we?

#1 Stick with ONE of these goals. (I did!)

#2 Further explore the concept of minimalism. (What is minimalism? Joshua and Ryan do a great job of explaining this concept here.) (I downsized most of the stuff in my apartment and just last week removed a few final loads of stuff to Goodwill. The apartment is more open, and I feel a hell of a lot lighter having embraced the philosophy of minimalism.)

#3 Get moving. This might involve FINALLY taking those yoga classes or just taking a walk every night. I’m lazy. I like the couch. What can I say? (I walk a lot at the zoo when the weather is nice, and I started taking yoga on a fairly regular basis. I ended up losing 10 pounds before Christmas.)

#4 Continue the quest for healthy eating. I’ve cut out most processed foods and eat meat only on occasion. I want to keep getting better at this. (Rob and I have become mostly vegan at home and part-time omnivores when out and about in the world. If we are eating animal products, we consider where it comes from and how much we’re ingesting. I’ve watched multiple documentaries and can honestly say I rarely ingest anything super-processed which has felt so good.)

#5 Fully embrace my Americorps experience. (What this means may come only with time spent in Americorps.) (I pretty much live at the zoo, so I think that counts!)

#6 Create a financial plan that works towards eliminating all of my credit card debt (Still working on this one…)

#7 Begin learning to play the guitar (I have THOUGHT about beginning to learn the guitar. That is as far as that has gotten, haha.)

5 of 7. I can deal with that, especially because I’ve seen the positive changes those 5 goals have had in my life. I’ve learned that goals don’t have to be scary and steps can be small. Even with goals in mind, however, I’ve ultimately learned that it is ok to live my life one day at a time, enjoy the experiences I’m having now, and it is ok NOT to be sure of the future if I’m going to ignore the blessings of the present.

I am thankful to Ashley, Dusti, Hannah, Kat, Kristen and Laurenne for sharing their powerful experiences with me and the rest of the community. I’ve learned so much from you all and found so many different perspectives as we’ve gone on this blogging journey together. A special thanks to Katie for her encouragement along the way and to Molly for allowing us all to share our stories with the incredible Stratejoy community.

Where can you find me from here on out? I’m not much of a blogger outside of Stratejoy, but I do tweet @elyse_lohrbach on Twitter. I’ll be continuing my work with the zoo and the Emery Theatre and really embracing some new truths I’ve learned about myself on this walk. I look forward to not knowing what is ahead as I stumble through life.  And as the famous JRR Tolkien once said, “Not all who wander are lost.”

So without further ado, continuing on into that mysterious horizon, this is Elyse signing off.

{Photo Credit: Bossco}

I can’t believe this is over. Five months has never flown by so fast! I have loved this little corner of my life, making the time each week to focus on my life- where I’ve been, where I am now, and where I want to be. I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that I’m a different, better version of myself today than I was in early September 2011.

When I started writing here, I set some specific goals for myself:

1. Personal- create an authentic life full of joy!

• Weekly brainstorming session- ideas, goals, dreams- about my best life
• Register for one of Molly’s awesome group coaching programs
• Practice yoga at least once a week

2. Professional- be a grounded, curious, and empathic counselor!

• Find a mentor
• Read at least one book relating to psychology each month

3. Financial- finally get out of debt!

• Create a monthly budget
• Stick to monthly budget
• Open a savings account

So, how did I do? Well, it was a mixed batch.

I didn’t do a scientific, exact measure, but my life feels more authentic ad joyful. The weekly brainstorming sessions didn’t happen as I had envisioned. I didn’t sit down and journal or make lists or create a vision board on a weekly basis, but if we swap out “weekly” with “monthly” then it was a total success! I registered for, participated in, and absolutely loved the Put Yourself Out There group as well as The Council: Holiday Edition. Both groups helped me create a clear vision of what I want my life to look like and what changes I need to make in order for those dreams to become a reality. I continued to practice yoga weekly, missing only a few classes. And surprise! While training for my half-marathon, I fell in love with running and the time and space it provides me with to be alone with my thoughts.

My professional goals were a flop. I didn’t find a mentor and I didn’t read one book each month. This isn’t really a huge surprise to me since my love for my job began slipping away from me these past few months. I started two books, but they are both sitting on my shelf with a bookmark tucked somewhere in the middle of the pages. I still want to find a mentor and that is something I am going to pursue. I want to find someone who challenges me, supports me, and hopefully inspires me in my professional growth as a counselor.

Financially, I am in such a better place than I was in September. While I cannot cross off any of  the goals listed above, I feel more secure, and have allowed myself some wiggle room from month to month. In December I began the process of consolidating my student loans which means that my monthly payments have gone down over $600! My rent is also about $150 cheaper in my new apartment, so that helps too. With these changes, I am able to travel more, put money aside (what I call my “mental savings account”), and feel much more relaxed when it’s time to pay bills. I can just feel the anxiety melting away!

In addition to working toward these goals, I’ve learned to trust myself over these past few months. I wrote myself a love letter and I faced my inner critic. I imagined my best life and I solidfied my core values. I moved to a new apartment, watched my best friend get married, and I decided to run a half-marathon. I stressed out over money, reflected on 2011, and set an intention for 2012: Savor Growth. I shared stories about my dad and my long-distance relationship, I questioned my career choice, and I answered a bajillion questions. It’s been a journey, y’all.

I feel stronger, more courageous, and more at peace. I feel like I know myself better, which I guess is what you can expect when you spend an uninterrupted hour or two with someone (yourself) each week writing, reflecting, and sorting through all your personal thoughts, feelings, and ideas.

I’m so sad that it’s time for me to go. I have truly loved every minute, every connection, and every friendship that has been built because of Stratejoy. Thank you for cheering me on as I shared a bit of me with you each week. You all mean the world to me. In case you want to continue following my journey toward a life full of audacious joy, you can find me here:

• Personal blog | That Super Awesome Blog
• Twitter | @AshleyD
• Email | superawesomeashley [at] gmail [dot] com

Please stay in touch!

[photo credit: my boyfriend; Me- In front of the harbor in his hometown in Canada]

The first thing I did this morning was change a poopy diaper.  Yep.  That’s the exact same first sentence as my first post for Stratejoy.  It would be easy to get down and think that nothing has changed in the last 5 months.  I’m still a nanny. I still deal with literal and metaphorical crap every day.  But a lot has changed.

In 2004 I was a super senior at Oregon State University.  I had a major, but didn’t know if I had chosen the right one.  If you wanted to find my self esteem you’d have to scrape it off the floor from underneath the spilled PBR and old pizza boxes.  I was starting to gain weight, had just finally given up dating guys I didn’t even like, and had zero plan for the future.  That’s when I started nannying.   It’s no surprise that the job now holds such a negative connotation.   Thankfully this was also the time I met Mister.  Soon after graduation I moved to Seattle.

Life slowly started perking up.  It got better and better.  Especially this last year.   I turned 30.  I got married to my best friend.   I quit one of my nanny jobs.  I really nailed down what I want from my business.  I can certainly attribute a lot of my growth to these things.  But I keep wondering how much of my change has been because of Stratejoy…going through the Joy Equation (twice), sucking up the fear and writing my application to be a season 5 blogger, and for the past 5 months, spending time reflecting on my Quarterlife Crisis through these blog posts.  I am not the same person I was a year ago.  I believe in myself.  I trust myself.  I’m excited about what is to come. And most importantly, as I said last week in the interview, “I’ve realized that the feelings of needing to do more, be myself, and live life my way are not unique to me.”  I don’t feel alone anymore.

And so as I finish my stint as a Season 5 Stratejoy blogger I have mixed feelings.  On one hand I’m so sad that the support of this tribe won’t be there every week like it is now.  I won’t be forced to mentally push through the roadblocks that get in the way of moving forward.  I won’t have to give myself time to think and write about myself every week.  In some ways I’m afraid I’ll forget everything I’ve learned when it’s not front and center in my mind anymore.

But on the other hand, I’m excited.  It’s time to move on.  It’s time to stop talking about where I’m going and where I want to be.  It’s time to just go.  And I go ahead with the knowledge that you are all out there going through the same kinds of things I am.  We’re all in this together in one way or another.  And somehow, that gives me a little bit more confidence.

I don’t even remember the plot of the movie Bounce, but I do, and always will, remember this quote:

It’s not brave if you’re not scared.

And so I step forward into the next stage of my life, afraid, but not alone.  Feeling brave and strong.

If you want to keep in touch, follow my business blog, email me, or find me on Facebook.  I would LOVE to hear from you!  And I’ll be around.  Don’t think you’ll get rid of me that easily.

Until next time, sticky notes, coffee, sweater blankets, and everything good to you!

[Photo Credit:   Mister took this on our honeymoon in Italy]

What are you obsessed with at this exact moment?

Pinterest. Pinterest. Pinterest.  Coffee (always). Notebooks, pens, sticky notes.  My new chocolate brown flat boots.  Babies.  Snow days. The smell of books.  Couples photography.  Words With Friends.  Other photographers’ blogs.  House hunting.  Thinking about how to decorate a house.  Craft supplies.  Sleep.

You can time travel but only to the past! What time period/ historical event do you go and experience?

To be totally honest, I don’t really have an interest in going back in time.  I’m happy to be moving forward.  If I had to choose, maybe I’d go back and meet the grandparents I never knew…

 If you could be any animal, which animal would you be and why?

It is impossible for me to answer this question in a non-cheesy way.  I debated being a caterpillar because of the impending amazing change that would be in my future.  I debated being a bird so I could fly.  Or maybe a bear so I could sleep all winter. But my gut instinct was a dog…a lab or retriever.  I don’t know why…because they love so big?

Any person dead or alive, who would you have dinner with?

I’ve always hated this question because under pressure I can never think of anyone!  I think it’s a tie between Mary Oliver, Dr. Seuss, Maya Angelou, and Oprah.  Maybe a dinner party.

What is on your life’s soundtrack?

Matt Nathanson, Amos Lee, Joshua Radin, Regina Spektor, Tori Amos, The Weepies, Ingrid Michaelson, Augustana, Damien Rice, Ray LaMontagne, Bright Eyes…oh and Counting Crows, Pearl Jam, Bush and always a little Alanis.

If you could be anywhere in the world right now, where would you be? 

This is such a hard question.  The answer used to be Italy, but we finally did that on our honeymoon!!!  There are a million places I want to see and lots of places I’ve already seen and would like to go back to…maybe I would be on a real vacation with my family somewhere none of us have ever been…in the mountains somewhere by a lake…we’d play games, read, relax, cook really good food, drink wine, Dad would go fishing, we’d all go for a hike, go out on a boat…yes, that sounds good.

Who has been your biggest inspiration throughout your QLC?

Is it vain to say “myself”?  Every time I take another step towards getting through my QLC I amaze myself.  I’ve never had as much confidence, pride in what I’m working on, or urge to move forward and grow than I have this year.  Seeing what I can do makes me want to do more.  But also, Jasmine Star, who quit law school and pursued her passion for wedding photography (and is like crazy super successful now!)

If money, education, time, or location were not an issue, what would you be doing for work in life? 

Writing, photographing couples in love, designing events, and travelling…I’m halfway there I suppose!

What was the biggest mental shift you’ve made from 5 months ago to now?

I’ve realized that the feelings of needing to do more, be myself, and live life my way are not unique to me.  I guess I probably knew that before, but it is so inspiring to know that there are SO MANY women (and men) out there who aren’t willing to settle.  It makes me feel like I’m not a total freak for not wanting a 9-5 corporate job.  The solidarity of the Stratejoy tribe is so uplifting!

That and realizing that I can make my life what I want it to be.

What’s changed? List 10 little sweet things.

1. I quit one of my nanny gigs and chose a date to give notice to the second.
2. I talked Mister into helping me squeeze even more furniture into our tiny place and made myself a desk/workspace
3. I started writing again (like all the time)
4. I started listening to music again
5. I take more time for myself to do the things that keep me sane
6. I take more pride in the way I look – actually dress in real person clothes rather than “nanny clothes” more often
7. I found a more productive to do list system
8. I found my “niche” in photography
9. I make more time for my girlfriends
10. I’m more comfortable being me (and isn’t that the best thing we can wish for ourselves?!)

What’s one thing that you’ve learned – in general or about yourself – over the past five months?

This sort of goes with my biggest mental shift, but beyond what I already said, I learned to trust myself, go with my gut, pour myself into the things that are important to me, and most importantly, to be unapologetically me.

What would you have done differently on your Stratejoy journey if you were starting today?

I would’ve done it earlier!  You can’t imagine what it does to your perception to have to write about your QLC every week.  It has been that extra push I’ve been needing all along!

What song(s) will remind you of the past five months?

Adele (love her, but SO over played!).
Mason Jennings – Be here now
Rosi Golan – Hazy
Jason Walker – Down

What is your favorite thing about YOU?

I refuse to settle.

Name 3 things you absolutely love about yourself. 

I’m creative.  I have great intuition.  The color of my eyes.

How are you living life on your own terms?

I’m trying so hard to live life on my own terms.  Building a business that allows me to do what I love, trying to surround myself with the things and people that I love, being honest with myself about my needs, goals, and intentions…but mostly I’m trying to live with this in mind:

Express myself honestly and with compassion.
Do what I love.
Always seek knowledge and understanding.
Live with intention.
Treat my body with respect.
Trust myself.

[Photo Credit: Brenda Ulinski]

The dictionary definition of “legacy” is surprisingly boring and uninspiring:

leg·a·cy
noun
1. Law . a gift of property, especially personal property, as money, a will; a bequest.
2. anything handed down from the past, as from an ancestor or predecessor: the legacy of ancient Rome.
3. an applicant to or student at a school that was attended by his or her parent.
4. Obsolete . the office, function, or commission of a legate.
adjective
5. of or pertaining to old or outdated computer hardware, software, or data that, while still functional, does not work well with up-to-date systems.

I always imagined a legacy to be the mark one left on the world after their flame went out; something romantic and provocative that made people remember you and what you stood for. I’m not sure I want to leave a legacy if it only pertains to personal property, the college of your parents or outdated computer hardware. Now, if a legacy truly is closer to my imagined definition, leaving a legacy is definitely worth working on before I die.

However, I’m worried I might be so focused on leaving a legacy, I forget to live my life befitting of one. So many acts in this world, whether of creation or destruction, are done in the name of making a name for oneself so the world doesn’t forget. It can be good inspiration to accomplish something grand, but if all the focus is on a future world without you, the world with you will be unfulfilled and unlived.

Keeping that in mind, I do want to leave a lasting impression on the world. One that is positive and impactful, but I have to realize everything I do might not be as inspiring to some as it is to me. What if people don’t remember my name after I’m gone? What if they don’t continue to talk about my accomplishments? I think…that this is ok. I already shout my name and my accomplishments to the world with my action, but I can’t worry about what happens after. The most important  question will always be to me, not what others think about me after I’m gone, but the feeling of fulfillment I have about life when I take my dying breath.  If I could shout one thing to my peers from the rooftops? Don’t worry about making meaning in your death. Live to make meaning in your life. Right now.

{Photo Credit: CountyLemonade}

Dear 15-year-old Kat,

The past 15 years have been interesting, that’s for sure. Life certainly takes a much different path than you’re imagining right now, but I think you’re going to love the way it all comes together! There are so many things I want to tell you not to do (namely, guys to avoid), but if I did that, you’d miss so many other opportunities, so…I can’t. Bummer. (No, I really can’t. I know you’ve seen that episode of The Simpsons where Homer time-travels using a toaster, and things get crazy. I know you don’t want a world without doughnuts.)

I’m hoping that I can give you a little advice that will guide you through what’s to come, though. Even though you’re going to have certain challenging experiences, I promise you’ll learn from each of them, even when it doesn’t seem that way at the time.

I can tell you to be less afraid of questioning things, especially when it comes to your family. It’s okay to want what you want, even if they don’t understand it. (Hint: they’re never really going to get it, and that’s okay. They’re still your family and they love you.)

Speaking of your family, spend more time with your grandparents, looking through old photos and learning about your family history. Head over to make pierogi from scratch with your grandma, or have her teach you how to sew. Try to convince one of them to start teaching you Polish or Italian. You won’t regret that.

The love of travel that you’ll develop this coming summer is going to be hugely influential in your life. Run with it. And when your dad gives you his Nikon FM, get a tune-up for it immediately. You’ll want to take it with you everywhere you go. Take lots of photos.

Over the coming years, the saying that your friends are the family you choose will become increasingly true for you. Choose wisely! (Mostly you do.)

Don’t be afraid to be YOU. Be willing to break some of the rules. Let yourself dive into life, even though sometimes it hurts. You have an amazing support network, and they will help you through the tough times. Don’t be so hard on yourself!

Last but not least, I want you to know that you that you’re strong, capable, and beautiful. No matter what the guys you date over the years say – and some of them will say some awful stuff – that you shouldn’t stop believing that.

I love you! Don’t forget to love yourself, too!

30-year-old Kat

[photo credit: me!]

Dear Kristen:

This letter has taken you years to be able to write. Even doing it now seems strange and slightly difficult, but it’s important to say how you feel and express yourself. You have seen what keeping your emotions in can do to a person, so this letter is something that has been waiting in the wings for years.

Kristen, you are so much stronger than you are ever imagined a person can be. You faced great adversity head on and in a remarkable way. I know that you do not give yourself anywhere near the amount of credit you deserve with this, but you should feel so proud of yourself for what you have done.

Yes, the relationship you wanted for the rest of your life ended and that is incredibly sad. And I know that even though you know you made the right decision for you and him, that it still hurts and makes you angry and disappointed.  You have allowed yourself to cry and yell and go through the roller coaster of emotions, which has helped you to understand yourself even better. That is a priceless lesson.

You did something amazing- you stood up for yourself and it was not easy. It involved a lot of hurt, for you, for him, for your families. It made you say you were wrong and made a poor decision. But the failed marriage made you grow immeasurably- beyond the stubbornness, beyond the fear. It might seem like selfish behavior to some and even to you at times, and that is completely allowed. But the selfish action was completely necessary for both you and him. For you both to be your most authentic selves, it means not being together. Do not regret the marriage or the relationship because it taught you more about life and who you are than anything in the world could have. It is never selfish to stand up for yourself and what you need for life. Kristen, you now know that being selfish sometimes is needed as long as it doesn’t involve being vindictive or purposely hurtful. Had you been more thoughtful and put yourself first years ago, the situation now would be different. But you would be different too.

Kristen, I am so proud of you putting yourself first, learning how to say no, and really growing into your joyful life, living it on your terms. It has taken months and lots of strife to get to this place. You are allowing yourself the quiet grace to get to know yourself, learn what your strengths are, and improve your weaknesses. You are finding out what you do or do not believe in, your true likes and dislikes, and what you want for you life. I love that you recognize and celebrate the simple pleasures like reading a good book, naps on the weekend, and laughter with family and friends.

I love that you are in a place where you understand the practice of gratitude is much more than saying thank you. You understand now that quiet time to meditate and journal is as essential to you as a hot shower in the morning. I love that even though you aren’t always happy with what you see in the mirror in terms of your body that you are learning to love it and honor it in different ways while you work towards your goals. I love that you are able to work through the sad times with self-care and using your support network. You also recognize that a night in pajamas on the couch with junk food is just one night and not a cause for guilt or self-deprecation.

I love that the woman who you are at this exact moment is exactly what you dreamed you would be when you were sixteen. I love that you have aha! moments when you realize that- whether it is walking on a sunny day or spending the afternoon cooking in the kitchen, you are living the life you once imagined for yourself. The path to this spot was nowhere near as you imagined it, but without that path, you would not have come to this place. You know yourself better than ever before and you will never allow yourself to be less than this again.

Most of all Kristen, I love that you have a new confidence and sense of self that comes out in everything you do. What I love the most is that this new awareness of who Kristen is comes not from your family, your significant other, or your career, but from the deepest and purest part of you. It is all about the happiness you are making part of your everyday life. Now is the time for you to flourish.

I’m over the moon for you,

Me

[Photo: At Yosemite in September feeling great!]