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Chasing Away The Black Cloud

posted 3rd June 2010    Written by: Katie    CATEGORY: Katie, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 2, Tips & Tools, What I've Learned

The last two weeks have been a little rough on my end, as if you couldn’t tell by my most recent two posts [Found here. and here too].

The awesome Molly sent me an e-mail after reading my scheduled post for last week and asked if I needed to talk. The first thing I thought to do was to apologize for the negative posts and offer to write something else a bit more upbeat and cheery. Basically I was offering to put my feelings on the back burner because I was ashamed of them.

Yeah, brilliant idea for someone who is struggling with self-image and self-worth, right? Convince myself that my feelings were shameful, and I shouldn’t feel that way.</Sarcasm>

In falling back into a depressive state, I was challenged.  I was challenged to keep my head on straight, function every day, and hide a lot of my feelings until later in the day when I was alone. It was very similar to being violently ill all day during work and not being able to go home.

You’re miserable, exhausted, and just want your bed, but you have to work all day long.

Two weeks later from the onset of my near emotional collapse, I’m feeling much better. I’m not as hopeless, and emotionally crazy as I was two weeks ago. The “bad case of the blues” passed much quicker than it typically does, and this is absolutely due in part to a list that I made of things that I was going to focus on. If you’re anything like me, having things down in a list is a magical thing.Staring those “to-do”‘s in the face gives me the drive to complete them. I wanted to share a few of the things that I did in hopes that if you find yourself having a tough week or even day, that these things may work for you too.

Schedule in some “Feel Bad” Time

There’s only one thing for certain when you’re feeling depressed/sad/mad – and that’s that you’re feeling depressed/sad/mad. Denying that is not only lying to yourself but it’s also not allowing yourself to feel what you want to feel.

“Just get happy” doesn’t work. At the same time, many of us have to put on that happy face for our jobs or even family members. This is completely fine, but make sure you allow yourself an hour or so later on in the day where you allow yourself to sit with your feelings. Whether you want to talk them over with a friend is up to you, but give yourself the permission to feel whatever emotions your heart wants to.

Don’t wait for clarity – Create it.

I’m the kind of person who revels in moments of complete and total clarity. These anticipated moments come at random times. Sometimes it happens when I’m sitting in a noisy bar with friends. Other times, it’s right before I fall asleep. It’s happened while seeing the Center City skyline at night. In these moments, I feel clear and at ease. I could sit with myself and that feeling forever, but it often fades when I come back down to earth.

One of my problems recently, is that these moments haven’t been occurring. I’m always worried about something or someone, and that moment of clarity…it just isn’t coming.  I got angry waiting for it. That anger did absolutely nothing for me except ruin my mood even more. That’s the thing with life, sometimes these moments don’t come willingly. Sometimes, you have to create them.

Practice creating clarity by manually clearing your mind, instead of waiting for your mind to clear itself. Personally, I visualize all of my problems circling my head as if my brain is juggling them. One by one, I flick each one away from my head, and when the final problem is gone, I just sit with that feeling of being free from worry. Even if it just lasts a few moments, it’s enough to get me through and reset my mind a bit.

Write. Write. Write. Write. WRITE

I sometimes avoid writing when I’m feeling yuck-tastic. Mostly, because I’m afraid of what’s going to come out. Recently, I’ve been pushing myself to start writing when I’m feeling crappy. Sometimes, all that’s come out has been “I have absolutely nothing to say, I’m feeling horrible today.” I go back, read that sentence, and I find myself asking “Why do you feel horrible?” At which point, I fill in the blank with an answer. “…I’m feeling defeated. The project that I was banking on was given to someone else. I really thought I had it in the bag, but apparently I wasn’t good enough, and the other person was better.” 9 times out of 10, I end up putting myself in a third-person position, and I inspire the hell out of myself without even realizing it. Before too long, I find my brain turning to think as if I were giving someone the advice and forgetting that it’s actually me.

Maybe this won’t happen to you, but at the very least, you get these feelings out into the open. It’s kind of like throwing up after you’ve drank so much. You have all of that toxic stuff inside of you, and once you get it out, you feel so much better. Throwing up or writing about your issues isn’t the easiest thing, but that yucky stuff is often better out than in.

If Nothing Else – Treat Yourself

These haven’t been the easiest last few weeks. It’s really taken a lot out of me, but I’m recovering well. I’ve been very kind to myself, and given myself extra treats (like concert tickets to see Maroon 5 and Dave Matthew’s Band).  I’ve let myself sleep an extra hour in the morning and take a little extra long shower. I bought a case of soda, which I’ve been trying to give up on, but have been craving.  I’m forgiving myself for little mistakes that I’ve made, and being gentle to not put myself in situations that I know will be uncomfortable.

I’m focusing a lot more on myself, and I feel a bit better. I think my mind and body really were just begging for attention. Boy are they getting it.

When you’re feeling down and out, what do you do? Treat yourself to anything special?

*photo credit: [via]


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The Big Announcement! Joy for All!

posted 13th May 2010    Written by: Molly Hoyne    CATEGORY: Inspiration, Love/Relationships, Molly, Quarterlife Crisis

OMG.  Finally!

CLICK HERE TO SEE WHAT ALL THE BUZZ IS ABOUT

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Expectation Mania and the Danger of Measuring Up

posted 3rd May 2010    Written by: Molly Hoyne    CATEGORY: Molly, Quarterlife Crisis, Tips & Tools

It’s nearly impossible to live life on your own terms…

Your parents expect you to get a good job. The dating pool gives you the stink eye when you’re not dolled up appropriately.  Your alumni chair sweetly requests updates of you getting promotions, marrying, saving the world or having adorable babies.

Society practically demands that you buy into the bigger/better/more consumerism that is kept alive by the promise of “fixing” you or “purchasing” your way to utter coolness.

What about what YOU want?  How can you even tell with those expectations in your face every single day?

“We expected more of you.”

“If only you’d live up to your potential…”

“What will people think if you do that?”

And it’s not only outside forces that we’ve got to contend with… Frequently, we’ve internalized that expectation mania and our inner dialogue is chock full of shoulds, and have tos, and don’t fuck this ups.  Ever think to yourself, “I won’t be a real grown up until I make 70K”  or “Once I get married, then I’ll be set”?

Sorry sunshine, life is not measured in checking off expectations.  If you’re traveling through life on autopilot, trying to do everything “correctly” without ever taking the time to decide how YOU REALLY FEEL ABOUT IT, you’re not living life.  You’re acting a part.

There is no right way to live.  There is only YOUR way.  And as long as that way doesn’t hurt others, allows you to be a kind and just person, and challenges you to go after your heart’s true desires, you owe it to yourself to get really clear about what YOUR way truly looks like.

Every day is another day to make deliberate choices about how you want to show up. Please, for the love of your own authenticity, stop trying to measure up to society’s expectations, or the Jones’, or your parents, or your college roommate’s version of life…

Get really clear on your true desires, your intrinsic motivation.  Clarity is ridiculously freeing.  When you know what YOUR version of success is, you can stop wanting things you don’t want.  You forgo measuring up, and instead, radiate delicious you-ness.

Take a stand against expectation mania, Tribe.  This is YOUR life.  Create your own path.  Dance to your own beat.  Stop caring so much about what others think about you.

Try caring about what YOU think about you.

p.s.  I’ve got some SUPEREXCITING news regarding The Joy Equation! You’re going to LOVE it!  Especially if you need a little assistance getting really clear about your definition of success…  Stay tuned for the excitement & if you’re not already signed up for the eNewsletter (upper right of this page)- get on the list!  Special goodies coming next Thursday!
photo credit:  KTvee

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Travel heals the Quarterlife Crisis a.k.a. My Trip Around the World

posted 17th July 2009    Written by: Molly Hoyne    CATEGORY: All Posts, Molly, Quarterlife Crisis, Travel

Cambodia- Angkor Wat

Did you all catch one of the common themes of the Quarterlife Bloggers?  Kendra packed it all up & moved to France, Robyn had quite the adventure in Australia, Marisa experienced a turning point at SXSW and though it hasn’t happened yet,  I know that Andrea has big plans come January.

TRAVEL.  Big time, more-than-a- Hawaiian-vacation, travel.  Soul-clearing, life-changing travel.

A trip around the world was my self prescribed solution to my Quarterlife Crisis as well. It seemed like escape from my world, escape from my job, escape from the traditional path, was the only thing that would help me reconnect to myself.  I spent the first 3 months of my trip decompressing and the last 7 months designing my life.

I was right.  It was exactly what I needed.

The Big Man and I left on May 1, 2007 and returned on March 1, 2008. We backpacked our way through 23 countries.  And because I know you’re curious cats– here’s the itinerary!

May 2007-July 2007

  • Central America–Honduras, Guatemala, Nicaragua & Costa Rica
  • Ecuador–Quito, Otavalo, Banos & Montanita
  • Peru–Cusco, Puno, Lake Titicaca, Arequipa & Lima

August 2007-October 2007 : Europe

  • Stockholm, Copanhagen, Amsterdam & Brussels
  • France– Paris, Bordueax
  • Spain–San Sebastian, Madrid, Valencia, Sevilla & Barcelona
  • Monte Carlo
  • Italy– Cinque Terre, Florence, Seina, Rome, Venice & Verona
  • Munich, Prague, Bled & Ljubljana
  • Croatia– Zagreb, Dubrovnik, Sailing the Kornati Islands, Zadar
  • England– London, Guildford & Winchestor

November 2007: South Africa

  • 2 week Overland Trip on the Garden Route from Capetown to Durban
  • Photo Safari at Zulu Nyala Game Reserve

December 2007: India

  • Mumbai
  • Goa- the beaches of Candolim and Mandrem

January 2008: Thailand

  • Monte Viste Retreat on Koh Phangan
  • Christmas & New Years on Koh Tao
  • Meet up with Kate & Senior in Phuket, Krabi, Ko Lanta & Ko Phi Phi
  • Bangkok

February 2008

  • Cambodia — Siem Reap, Phnom Penh, & Sihanoukville
  • Vietnam — Ho Chi Minh City, Hoi An, Hanoi & Halong Bay
  • Back to Thailand for Sunshine — Koh Tao & Bangkok

March 2008

  • Returned home to Seattle, Washington, USA

I kept the typical travel blog, but I want to share with you some of the private thoughts I was writing in my journal. I filled two moleskine journals with notes & drawings & business plans while we were gone! Obviously, I was loving exploring & eating & making new friends, but I also spent qutie a lot of time “thinking”.

This is a bit of the writing to show you the process & the progress I was slowly making.

Let me emphasize slowly!  I was trying very hard to be patient with myself, but as a fairly impatient go-getter, it was incredibly hard to simply let the connection to my authentic self just happen.  I did it, though.  I let things unfold.  I mulled.  I practiced trusting my intuition.  I played hot or cold with all ideas no matter how crazy they seemed.

From Banos, Ecuador: “I was skimming a book at this adorable cafe about Prospering Women (thank god for book exchanges!) and it got me thinking about what I want to do when we get back.  The Big Man put up a good offer with the potential recruiting firm, but I don’t want it to feel like “his project”.  He’s adamant that I won’t want to go back to working for someone else & I think he’s right.  I’m not sure how I feel about recruiting– I need to make sure I’m doing something I WANT to be doing.  Just not sure what that is…”

From Koln, Germany: “So we’re walking in the train station & I was remarking how I think Mom would love to come “backpack” Europe.  [The Big Man] said that travel is a constant opportunity to learn something completely new every moment, unlike being home.  It made so much sense to me!  That’s why I love world travel so much & why I thought  Mom would love it as well — lifelong learners!”

From Vernazza, Italy: “I think I’m finally feeling recovered & revitalized from all the craziness of my old life.  And here, on the incredible Cinque Terre, I’ve been doing some thinking.  Ah, yes, more thinking…  What did I want to be when I was little? An interior designer, a camp director, a college professor, an advertising executive, a psychologist…  Does any of that still apply?   What really makes me feel alive?  Connection with other people, the outdoors, the power of a great song or movie, creating opportunities for others to feel special, a sense of possibility, spontaneous playfulness, pride in a job well done…”

From Drakensberg, South Africa: [This is a great one!  It's my future Bio before Stratejoy was born... It's pretty incredible to reread my own thoughts as I get closer & closer to the final idea!]  Molly B Hoyne, CEO of Union Wellness & founder of Authentic Retreats Northwest, provides strategies for Joyful Living.  She is a frequent contributor to Oprah magazine & the Real Simple channel, as well as various travel publications around the world.  Hoyne’s passions included hosting Outside the Box Camp for Young Women, throwing celebrated house concerts & the great outdoors.  Her joyful living is based in Seattle with her husband & two extraordinary children.

From Hoi An, Vietnam: “Today I took myself to a cafe, sat back & really appreciated the thinking I’ve been doing over the course of this trip.  I’ve been exposed to so many new ideas & observed so many different ways of life.  I have really & truly connected to my vision of success & am enthused about bringing Company X to fruition.  I am so excited about the changes I’m making in my own life to grow & push & seek joy.  And incredibly excited to share these breakthroughts with other woman who feel that sense of quiet desperation.  There so much I still need to learn, but I feel that my heart & my head are in the right place & ready to move forward.  I am truly living my mission to celebrate each day authentically & inspire others to do the same.”

If you’ve ever taken a course or done any coaching with me  (Hello lovelies!!), I’m sure you recognize bits of Stratejoy in those last few entries. As I’ve mentioned, a lot of the creation of my content came from what I was taking myself through on the trip.  If I could send everyone on a trip around the world, I would.  Knowing that is a huge sacrifice for most people, my aim with Strategjoy is to take the self reflection, clarity & lifestyle design that I discovered on my trip & share it with my Tribe.

That’s what I’m doing now!  Trying to bottle up the best of what I’ve learned into managable sips, like a month long workshop or a homestudy course, to spread the word of joyous living on your own terms.  To start an Authentic Happiness movement.

I know, I know– You’re dying for more travel information.  I’ll wrap it up by answering the two most common questions I get about my trip…

F.A.Q Travel Questions

How did I do it? When people ask me this, they’re always referring to the money. No, I’m not a trust fund baby.  Yes, I quit my hotel sales job.  No, I didn’t make any money for a year.  Yes, I was in debt when I got home.  But…

I was lucky — the Big Man & I spent 9 months planning our escape, so I saved up as much money as I could.  I needed to be able to pay my ridiculous Cornell loans, cover health & car insurance, keep my cell phone number & take care of other bills while we were gone. We sold everything we owned: cars, condo, furniture, bikes, bbq, excess everything.  And the real kicker, the Big Man already ran his own internet based company. He didn’t lose his livelihood. He hired an employee to watch the “shop” and kept closely connected through internet cafes around the world.

I will always be intensely grateful for his generosity and gift of “showing me the world”.

What was my favorite country? Don’t make me choose!   I answer this question with a fairly rote reply these days.  I don’t have a favorite country, but I do have favorite experiences.  And here they are!

Trekking in Peru

Mt Salkantay Peru

We went on an alternative trek to Machu Picchu with a fabulous company called Llamapath.  This trek is the closest one to what we did– I can’t find our exact version on the site anymore.  It was hard.  It was breathtaking.  We made some incredible friends & saw some incredible vistas.  We drank mata tea delivered to our tent at 4:30 am.  We climbed to 14,000+ feet.  We soaked in hot springs.  We saw Machu Pichu at sunrise & it was just as amazing as you imagine.

Sailing in Croatia

Sailing in Croatia

The Big Man’s the sailor, but I absolutely loved our two weeks exploring the Dalmatian Coast & Kornati Islands.  I couldn’t have been happier with this budget friendly flotilla with Activity Yachting! I learned how to sail, fell in love with Croatia, made life long friends with 3 crazy chicks from London & fell alseep on a sail boat in a severe thunderstorm.  Oh, and drank a bunch of wine, swam in the Mediterranean in October & explored some incredible harbors.

Beach Time in Thailand

Thai Beach

By the time we got to Thailand, I was exhausted.  I was sick of dragging my pack, I was tired of having our camaras & laptops & ipods stolen (yes I know- we’re such American techno geeks), & I was done with moving every 3 days.  So we planted ourselves on various Thai islands for longer stretches.  We’d get into a little routine of beach, motorbike, beach, internet cafe, mango break, beach.  It felt like heaven!  This pic was taken on Christmas Day (also the Big Man’s birthday!).

Thoughts?  Stories to share about your own travels? After all this reminising, I’m ready to hit the international airport again!

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8 Strategies to Improve Your Quality of Life

posted 10th April 2009    Written by: Molly Hoyne    CATEGORY: All Posts, Inspiration, Molly, Tips & Tools

What makes up a well lived life? It’s an intensely personal question. Your vision of success may be vastly different than mine.  I may value connections, authenticity & adventure; dream of kids, a thriving business & living in another country.  You’re driven by success, learning & independence; you won’t be complete until you hit CEO & found a charity. Our neighbor places importance on harmony, creativity & the community garden she started; the mailman digs abundance, vitality & contributing to his church.

That’s what makes the world such an intriguing beast.  We’re fascinating in our differences.

Whatever your definition of “the good life” may be, it’s vital that you enjoy & get meaning from the day-to-day while on your journey. This is something we all have in common, regardless of the particular path we’re on. Your daily experiences (your tasks, your schedule, the places you spend your energy & time) are what make up your life.  And in my book, that’s all we’ve really got.  Life.

“Attention is a tangible measure of love.  Whatever receives our time and attention becomes the center of gravity, the focus of your life.  This is what we do with what we love: We allow it to become our center.  What is at the center of your life?” –Wayne Muller

Are you ready for some inspiring & practical ways to rev up your capacity for joy, fulfillment & meaning? Ready for some tactics to improve the quality of your day-to-day life? I think I hear you shouting “Hell yes!”

Way to be.  Way to be.

Read more…

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