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Conquering the Mission Holding Me Back

posted 29th September 2011    Written by: Dusti    CATEGORY: All Posts, Creativity, Dusti, Quarterlife Crisis

I’ve been grappling with writing this stupid manifesto for months now. I’ve known it’s needed written since May. I’m really excited to write it and share it with the world! But somehow, it keeps getting pushed to the backburner. Why?

Well, honestly, a couple of reasons.

I don’t have a solid grasp on what it needs to say. I want this short piece to form the foundation of everything else I do from this point on. The holy grail of my blog. The big idea – the mission – that inspires everyone else to get onboard and go with me wherever this crazy train goes.

That’s pressure. Self-applied pressure, granted, but still. What if I decide to change course midstream? Will my people still be behind me? Will they still be interested in sharing a mission and taking it to new heights on different levels? Will they even like the idea I start with?

For any of you familiar with the StrengthsFinder test, my chief strength is input. That means I absorb information like a sponge. I’m great at synthesizing ideas, but I have issues standing behind an idea or way of thinking for long because I’m constantly analyzing and adding new information.

Okay, confession time.

I’m afraid of commitment. Not like I can’t hold down a relationship type of commitment. It’s more like I’m terrified of committing to an idea or belief system. And it’s starting to hold me back.

That’s why I’ve been holding off on writing this thing. It’s a statement of what I believe and what I’m looking for. And being in the midst of a QLC, these are the major things I’ve been struggling with. Most of August, I felt like I was stuck and had no idea which direction to go next.

That’s when I started the Joy Equation. Now, being a writer in the lifestyle design niche, I’ve seen a LOT of personal development guides like it. I’ve even started a few of them.

But, as I started to go through the exercises, I found that I wasn’t just engaged – I was smiling the entire time I was going through the guide. Even with the tough topics, I was so happy just to have it written and out of my system! What a relief. I did think something – something I could stand behind without any doubt.

Like my values! I thought I had them pretty well refined, but it turned out I had been operating under limiting beliefs of sorts. I’d never given myself room to explore what my values looked like in a larger context. The definitions helped, too. Defining something makes it easier to understand and implement.

Here’s what I came up with:

This was such a massive discovery for me. I knew freedom, adventure, and community were important to me, but romance was like finding a missing link.

It was everything I could never find the words to describe before. I knew I was passionate, but finding such a perfect word was empowering and revitalizing. It was like, “Holy crap! I can finally explain to my partner why little things are so important to me!” It was a revolution for my heart.

So here I am now. This is me presenting what I believe without question. The first words in my manifesto are…

“I believe you are beautiful, brilliant, and unique beyond any doubt. There is nothing you can’t do, and there is no situation you can’t overcome.”

Because it’s my truth. And I can commit to truth.

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Why a Cocktail Party is Not a Marriage

posted 7th June 2011    Written by: Amanda    CATEGORY: All Posts, Amanda, Life Lesson, Love/Relationships, Season 4

I’ve been thinking about marriage lately. Bri’s taking her first steps into married life (with a gorgeous little baby on the way). Laura’s planning her wedding. Juliana’s been married for seven months. I recently celebrated six years with Mike, with our third wedding anniversary on the horizon for August.

Elizabeth Gilbert has been trying to get the masses to drink her Kool-Aid again. After the overwhelming success of Eat, Pray, Love — PrivLit’s golden achievement — Ms (or is it Mrs?) Gilbert has published her thoughts on marriage in a book called “Committed“. I must admit, at first I was intrigued.

Marriage in all of its polarizing dichotomies is something that’s near and dear to my heart. I find the “institution of marriage” fascinating, especially considering all of its controversy. So while the rest of the world contemplates what Real Marriage looks like, I’m going to riff a bit on what marriage — between two people, same-sex or not — means to me.

Shortly before my 21st birthday, Mike surprised me with a platinum engagement ring from his grandmother, bent on one knee in a soccer field at the local high school. He had gone to see my parents earlier that day, to ask my father for permission to marry me. I’d insisted that he ask my parents. Why? Because at 20.75 years old (even at 24), my parents’ approval still meant the world to me. When he asked, I was shocked into tears. Joyful tears. Joyful tears are something that I’d never experienced before. I relished them.

Moments are so fleeting.

Those joyful tears weren’t the result of “OMGWEDDING”. Those joyful tears represented three years of hard struggle on both our parts. From the time I met Mike in 2005 up until about a year into our marriage, I was a COLOSSAL fuck-up. I don’t say that lightly, either. Between the emotional turbulence of bipolar and the fear of my own nature coupled with complete and utter job dissatisfaction, we had ourselves a perfect storm for a break-up. There were a few times (more than a few times, really) when it would’ve been easier for me to just walk out and find something else.

But we stuck together. We screamed at one another. We said hateful, hurtful things in the middle of our anger. I would throw things in the heat of the moment, usually with the intention of maiming. He would grow cold and distant. We would have angry, make-up sex because it was easier to do that than talk to one another about the real issues in our relationship. Our communication SUCKED and I was a major part of that problem.

When Mike asked me to marry him, I knew that we could weather the storms that would accompany the long years of our lives. When I walked down that aisle in that pretty blue dress, blonde streaked hair in soft ringlets, I knew that when we said, “Forever”, we would mean it. Would I say that my wedding was the best day of my life? No, I wouldn’t. I would say that my wedding was fun and memorable. I would say that standing up in front of my friends and family and celebrating my unyielding love for Mike was absolutely brilliant.

But the best? Nah.

Over the last few years, I’ve watched as friends got married, divorced, and tried all over again. It’s hard to sit on the sidelines when things like that go awry. I want to be comforting. I want to be able to rush in and tell them that it will be okay and they’ll be able to pick up the pieces before they know it.

For all of my distaste for Elizabeth Gilbert, she did have a point when she said, “Marriage is not a game for the young.”

However, “young” is a state of mind. I know plenty of fortysomethings that wouldn’t have a hope in Hades if someone asked them to be emotionally or fiscally responsible. Just as I know a fair few twentysomethings that are changing the world and turning entire schools of thought upside down.

Success in marriage shouldn’t be us flipping a coin and becoming a statistic. Success in marriage needs to be more than a monetary investment; it’s a lifelong emotional and psychological investment.

One day in a white dress ain’t gonna cut it.

Weddings are giant, expensive cocktail parties. And my-oh-my are we a wedding obsessed culture. Anytime you turn on TLC, there’s another episode of “Say Yes to the Dress” or “Four Weddings” or some other reality show centred around planning (and experiencing) the Big Party.

Here’s an interesting thought: why not skip the marriage — the lifelong commitment that you’re pledging to this one person — and have the cocktail party? Why not invite a bunch of your closest friends and family to a big party with lots of booze and beautiful dresses to dance the night away?

Using marriage as an excuse to throw a big party is not only a waste of money, it’s a waste of time.

You don’t need a good excuse to have a big party, really. We used to do it all the time when there was this crazy thing called the aristocracy.

You will not be left out in the cold if you don’t have a big wedding. What I can guarantee is this: if you get married without fully knowing yourself and your partner, you will end up on the wrong side of the 50/50 statistic. Divorce is an ugly thing — ask anyone that’s either gone through one or witnessed it. As the years go by, you and your partner will change.

Sometimes, these changes will be positive.

Mike is now able to entertain a room full of people, smiling and laughing whereas six years ago, he could barely stomach it. I’m now able to sit quietly and contemplate, whereas six years ago, it would’ve made me insane.

Sometimes, these changes will be negative. We may find ourselves in ruts. We may find that MONTHS have gone by without a decent bout of sex (seriously, that’s the worst part of being pregnant).

Six years ago, I might’ve wanted my wedding to be the most important event in my life. Hell, up until I actually started planning the damn thing, I envisioned it being this magical, blissful event. In actuality, it was a special day. Nothing more.

Life is made up of a handful of fleeting moments. Some moments are very important and deserve to be cherished and treasured; things like weddings and babies and graduations and your first kiss. When you place too much emphasis on any given moment — say, a wedding — unrealistic expectations arise where you’re suddenly faced with the awful reality that marriage is, in fact, not a fairy tale.

You’re faced with a horrible choice: you can either stick it out because you refuse to give up on a relationship that wasn’t working in the first place or you can admit defeat and cut your losses. Neither seems particularly palatable.

Shit, right? Rock, meet hard place. Hard place, meet cliff edge.

So yes, Ms. Gilbert, marriage is not a game for the young. Instead, marriage is a mixture of heady romance and cool-headed resolve that, when coupled together, create an atmosphere of understanding, mutual growth, and el-oh-vee-ee LOVE.

And while you may not think marriage is a game at all, I say, “Game on.”

But, that’s a whole other post.

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Image is my own.

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New Beginnings and Self Care Habits

posted 1st June 2011    Written by: Laura    CATEGORY: All Posts, Laura, Season 4, Tips & Tools

Today is June 1st. Today is a line in the sand. Today is when I begin to shape what the rest of 2011 will look like. Today is about new beginnings and self-care habits.

Today I make a commitment to myself. For the next 60 days, I’ll be following a new workout program. An over-the-top workout program called Insanity…all because an informercial intercepted my afternoon of couch-lazing and sugar-hazing about four Sundays ago. I never watch infomercials, but I watched this one. Today I open my mind to the possibility that maybe a completely different, hard core, gimmicky workout program is exactly the “cold shower” I need to come to my senses. Maybe, just maybe, this is exactly what I need to kick-start a new body-loving routine.

Today I treat myself to some joy. I sign up for Molly’s Joy Juice prompts and I commit to reflecting for 30 minutes a day. On joy prompt days, I’ll write. If on the other days I don’t feel like writing, I’ll read. I’ll sit, enjoy my coffee and toast, and focus on myself before I start focusing on the clients, emails, and to do lists that await. Today I break free from the habit of waking up my brain before I wake up my soul. Today, I acknowledge that what I really want is for that wake-up process to happen in reverse!

Today I celebrate 11 years with my love, my Hunny. Eleven years ago today, we laid on my bed talking and basically had a “So?” “So?” “Do you wanna?” “Do you wanna?” type conversation. Except, we weren’t talking about sex. We were talking about becoming official. It felt like a big leap for us at the time, but we’ve never looked back. What’s so unique about today is that it’s kind of our last June 1st together. Because after our wedding on November 12, that’ll be our day. Today, we bid farewell to one relationship status and starting counting down to another.

Today, I have a new business plan. After weeks of plotting, wondering and musing, my business partners and I have a plan to take us through the next seven months. We’re more clear on who we are and what we want to achieve than we have been all year. Today, we truly, once and for all, commit to owning it! Our vision for the work we want to do and how we want to do it becomes a non-negotiable. Today, I read that business plan to myself, and mark in my calendar to do the same thing next Wednesday. Because it’s time to live it, breath it and know it, inside and out.

Today, I dive into a new family budget. Today, I start keeping gas receipts and grocery receipts. Today, my pay cheques go into the same bank account that Hunny’s pay cheques go into. Today, I start a monthly debt pay-off plan and a wedding savings plan. Today, Hunny and I start getting a weekly allowance. Today, I remove the mental and emotional barrier of “my money” versus “his money”. Today I leap, with nothing but trust and good faith, that together we can make more progress and more conscious spending decisions.

Today, I commit these things to you. Today, I ask for your support. I so desperately need these things, yet I’m so desperately afraid I won’t be able to stick to them.

Today, I reach out to you like never before, Tribe. Please help by sharing your tips, tricks and advice for how you hold yourself accountable. Because right now, my heart and soul really needs today to stick.

{Photo credit}

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Make a Commitment to Yourself

posted 16th December 2008    Written by: Molly Mahar    CATEGORY: All Posts, Inspiration, Molly, Tips & Tools

As women, we pride ourselves on taking care of others.  We commit ourselves to our partners, our best friends, our colleagues, our extended families, our neighbors– the list goes on and on.  We show love & respect by being there for them & following through on commitments.  We work to understand the nuances of their days and react by cheering them up when things look down, celebrating when life is good or bolstering self esteem when fear starts taking over.

We listen, we care, we pay attention.

And this is a good thing.  Having caring, committed relationships (as long as they are reciprocal) help us navigate our lives with support and meaning.

Read more…

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