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Searching for happiness

posted 29th April 2011    Written by: Katharine    CATEGORY: All Posts, Katharine, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 4, Travel, Travel/Adventure, What I've Learned

“Happiness is the consequence of personal effort.  You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it.” - Eat, Pray, Love

What exactly is happiness?  How do you know when you find it?  Is it a constant euphoric feeling?  Are we ever truly happy?

I’ve been fighting depression since I was 20 years old.  I chose against antidepressants because I was afraid I would get addicted to them.  So instead, I chose alcohol.  I went through a rough phase with it shortly after my mother passed away.  I drank.  A lot.  My senior year of college I drank every night.  Every. Single. Night.  Some nights I would drink myself to sleep just to drown the pain.

For the first two years I lived in Philadelphia, I hoovered that fine line of alcoholism.  I knew things were really bad when I gave myself alcohol poisoning one night.  I mean, it wasn’t on purpose.  I was out with a friend on a Friday afternoon.  It started out as an innocent happy hour.  We would catch up over a few drinks, maybe get some dinner, and then go our separate ways.  Instead, we chose to go all out, balls to the wall, and drink hardcore on a Friday night.  I drank to numb the emotional pain that night, and I paid for it later on.

Over the last year, I’ve worked really hard to turn myself around.  I saw a therapist to work through my emotional pain, and I’ve curbed my alcohol intake dramatically.  Well, minus the bender on New Year’s Eve and Las Vegas in February for a hockey tournament.  Those don’t count.

Lately, I’ve spent a lot of time trying to answer the tough questions about why I’m struggling emotionally and the real reasons I moved out of the States.

I thought moving out of the States and reclaiming my life would fix my problems with depression and unhappiness.  I mean, I have the freedom to travel the world and do whatever I want.  Most people don’t ever get a chance like this in their lifetime.

So, why did I move abroad?  I don’t know.  I had just lost my job and needed a temporary fix.  I felt like I failed at life in the States.  I was tired of the American dating scene.  I needed to do something bold and gutsy to feel something other than pain.  Truth is, I can’t explain it.  People constantly ask me why I did it and I don’t have just one answer for them.  I was just sick of living every day the same way and feeling inadequate.

Elizabeth Gilbert wrote in Eat Pray Love:

Virgina Woolf wrote, ‘Across the broad continent of a woman’s life falls the shadow of a sword.’  On one side of that sword there lies convention and tradition and order, where ‘all is correct.’  But on the other side of that sword, if you’re crazy enough to cross it and choose a life that does not follow convention, ‘all is confusion.  Nothing follows a regular course.’

I choose confusion.

I always thought happiness was found by living the traditional lifestyle.  I thought if I followed the trend of school-work-marriage-babies that I would be genuinely happy.  But somewhere between alcohol and depression, I realized that my life isn’t supposed to be traditional.  I’m not made to follow that trend.

I was made to stand out from the crowd.  I was made to be one of those people who refused to settle for a measly job and an unsatisfying relationship.  I was made to reclaim a life full of passion, intention, and happiness.  I just hope that someday I can find what I’m looking for.

 

{photo credit: helenista fashion}

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Reclaiming a Broken Life

posted 1st April 2011    Written by: Katharine    CATEGORY: All Posts, Katharine, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 4, Travel/Adventure

How do you explain to a new friend how things like depression, cancer, and losing your parents, have shaped your life?  How do you tell them that one year ago you were on the verge of committing suicide because you believed that your life wasn’t worth living anymore?  How you do open yourself up to someone who has the potential of becoming a good friend when your past experiences have permanently scarred you and caused you to isolate yourself from the rest of the world?

When I moved to Prague, I wanted to do this with a clean slate.  I wanted to go into this experience with an open mind and accept whatever struggles and hardships I would face living as an Expat with a damaged life.  Diving into a TEFL program with 23 other students is overwhelming.  I’m spending 4 weeks with these people, and I want to build as many genuine friendships as I can, but I don’t know how to talk about my broken life without creating awkward conversations, pity, and sympathy.

Moving to a new country is challenging, but doing so with the intention of reclaiming your life is even more challenging.  How do you reclaim your life if you don’t know where to start?

I spent a good portion of my time in Philadelphia hiding behind walls because I was too terrified for anyone to know the real me.  It was easier for me to play along with the idea of seeing my parents for the holidays than actually admitting to friends and acquaintances that they are deceased.  It was – and still is – painful to think about them, and even talk about them in any context because most of my friends’ and acquaintances’ parents are still alive and have the luxury of seeing them.  Sometimes I’m torn to pieces just thinking about how much of my life has uncontrollably gone to shit.

I moved out of the country because I was afraid that my life wouldn’t amount to anything if I continued living in Philadelphia.  Truth is, I felt like I failed at life when I was living in the States.  So, I did what [maybe] most people would do – I ran away.  Only this time, I ran across bodies of water and into another continent.  Maybe it wasn’t the right answer, but it was the only answer and justification I could give myself. It was the only way I knew how to find myself again.  Except, when you move out of the country (or anywhere), your past still follows you.  I’m still damaged, grieving over losing my parents, and fighting personal demons.  I’m still struggling to find myself among a crowd of expats while learning to accept my broken past and still move forward every day without being crippled by those experiences.

I moved to Prague with the intention of starting with a clean slate, but when we make bold decisions like starting over, is the slate ever really clean to begin with?

{picture: taken in Prague}

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Leaving the City of Broken Dreams

posted 18th February 2011    Written by: Katharine    CATEGORY: All Posts, Job/Career/Work, Katharine, Love/Relationships, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 4, Travel, Travel/Adventure, What I've Learned

I’ve been a roller coaster of emotions ever since I paid my deposit and booked my flight to Prague.  From excited, to terrified, to overwhelmed, to sad, back to excited.  I know these feeling are completely normal in situations like this, but I’m having a tough time embracing them.

This wasn’t an easy decision.  It doesn’t just affect me; it affects my brothers, my friends, my roommates, my nonprofit organization, and my hockey teammates.  People who depend on me to come home for Holidays, meet up for Sunday brunch, and show up to Tuesday night games.  It’s not easy to walk away from something you’ve worked so hard to create.

Today, I had my tipping point.  As I peeked out my bedroom window and watched people dig their cars out of the 15 inches of snow that fell over night (and realizing I’ll have to do the same at some point, too), I thought to myself, I am so done with this city.

This move here was only supposed to be temporary – two years, max.  I wanted to gain enough professional experience so I could move onto my next big city.  But as I continued to build on my foundation, the reasons for staying started piling up – relationships, friendships, jobs, hockey, convenience.  I thought if I stayed for my friendships, I could be happier.  Or if I stayed for a man, we could make a relationship work.  Or if I could just stay at my job a little bit longer, I would finally get that pay raise.  It’s been five years and those friendships have dissolved, the relationships didn’t work, and I never got a raise.  I’ve settled for mediocrity and found ways to fill the cracks of my damaged life with things like alcohol, toxic friendships, and lousy one-night stands.

I thought I was building a foundation.  Truth is, I was doing everything I could to destroy it.  Consuming an entire bottle of vodka on a Tuesday night to wash away the bad effects of the work day.  Meeting up with toxic friends gave me an excuse to go out on a Saturday night.  Leaving the bar with random men provided a temporary fix for my broken heart and my emotional void.  I didn’t care about the long-term effects those decisions would have; I wanted the instant gratification.

I knew everything caught up to me the moment I was laying on my bathroom floor, contemplating suicide.  That moment wasn’t just about not grieving for my parents, it was also about the fact that I was destroying my life.  With each empty bottle and one-night stand, I was on a destructive path that could have very well killed me.

2010 was a pivotal year.  I made the courageous decision to see a therapist and work through my pain of loneliness and depression because I didn’t want to continue throwing my life away.  I’m so much better than this. I ended a 15-year friendship with my best friend after realizing how toxic and damaging it was.  She’s not a bad person; she’s just a bad friend to me. I forgave a man who put me on an emotional roller coaster for three years because he couldn’t commit.  His intention wasn’t to hurt me. It was a year in which I discovered what it really means to work towards authentic happiness, to allow myself to become vulnerable to a man (and be okay with it), and to have satisfying friendships with women.

I’m beginning to discover what I’m worth, what I’m capable of, and what it will take for me to find my authentic happiness.

I’m ready to leave.  I’m ready to embark on a new journey and figure out what the hell I want to do with my life – now and in the long-term.  I’m finally at a point where the feelings of being terrified and overwhelmed are crushed by incredible excitement.  As I watch my friends get engaged, have children, and settle down, I can’t help but feel incredibly lucky for myself.  I get to travel the world and live life on my own terms.  I get to call the shots, to say ‘no,’ and to dictate my future.

I’m so done with this city and I may never come back.

{photo credit: Fordan}

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I Didn’t Ask For Any Of This

posted 11th February 2011    Written by: Katharine    CATEGORY: All Posts, Family, Job/Career/Work, Katharine, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 4, Travel, Travel/Adventure

I remember the moment like it happened yesterday.

It was a Tuesday morning in March and I was laying on my bathroom floor in the fetal position, sobbing uncontrollably.  My entire body felt numb, I couldn’t stop crying, and all I thought was, “I just want to stop feeling this way.” I had spiraled into my second bout of depression, this one much uglier than the first.  I knew why I was crying, why I felt numb, and why – for a split second – I was contemplating suicide, but I didn’t want to admit it.  Because when you admit something and put it out there, it becomes real.

It’s scary admitting I have contemplated suicide once in my life, but I know I would never go through with it.  My father killed himself when I was 12 years old and I was the one who found him.  At the time, I didn’t understand suicide or the kind of impact it would have on a child.

Even at 27 I still don’t understand it, but I know how emotionally damaging and soul-crushing it is to lose a father at such a young age.  The image has scarred me permanently.

I’ve been fighting depression on and off for the last eight years.  My first battle occurred in June 2003.  I was a Sophomore in college, trying to get out of an abusive relationship, and my mother had just passed away.  My world shattered instantly. I lost my mother, I had no father, I left my boyfriend, and I nearly failed school because I was too depressed to get out of bed, let alone go to class.

As I was laying on the bathroom floor that morning in March, images of my parents flashed through my head.  Moments of happiness.  Scenes from my childhood.  Memories of us laughing together.  Seven years of not grieving properly for my mother, and 15 years of not properly grieving for my father had finally caught up to me.

It takes courage to seek professional help.

“I need help,” I whispered.  I had finally said it out loud.  Even if I was the only one who heard it, I put it out there and it became real. I knew right then and there that it was time for me to work through my pain of loneliness and depression.

Two days later, I had an appointment with a therapist.

I wasn’t going to apply for a Season 4 Blogger position because I thought I had already conquered my Quarterlife Crisis. At the age of 25, I beat my battle with cervical cancer and was in remission, my nonprofit organization was successful and making strong profits, and I had survived the loss of both of my parents.  I had my life on track, a solid career path, and I knew what I wanted.

Looking back on all of it, and seeing where I am right now, I realize that I wasn’t dealing with a Quarterlife Crisis; I was dealing with a series of unfortunate life events.  Losing my parents.  Getting cancer.  It can happen to anyone, at any point in their lives.

Why did it happen to me at such a young age?  I’m still trying to figure that out.

I thought my run of bad luck was over, but then my law firm announced dissolution in December.  Two weeks before Christmas, the Managing Partner took me into his office and told me not to come back after the holiday.  I was devastated.  I took for granted the comfort and security that comes with having a full-time job that provides health insurance, a retirement fund, and free coffee every day (hey, it’s the little things).

If that wasn’t enough, my nonprofit was suffering from the terrible economy, clients decided they weren’t going to support us for 2011 because they didn’t have the funds, and my volunteers resigned.  When it rains, it pours.  Once again, my world shattered instantly and I felt like a complete failure.

Winston Churchill said:

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”

I joke with my friends about how I feel like I’m 45 trapped in a 27 year old body.  I feel like I’ve been through hell and back, and you know what?  It sucks.  I’m in the midst of my Quarterlife Crisis, but I’m determined to come out on top.

For the first time in my life, I have no commitments, no deadlines, and nothing holding me back from living life on my own terms. So, I’m going to make the most of this tragic situation and turn it into an incredible opportunity. I‘m going to spend as much time as I want teaching English and traveling the world, and the most exciting thing is that I get to share this journey with you over the next six months.

New experiences, fresh opportunities, beautiful sights, amazing discoveries, and lots of soul-searching.

My goals for these six months:

1. Get certified to teach English. The 4-week program is going to be very intense and rigorous, and from what alums have said, it’s very bootcamp-like.

2. Embrace my fears, doubts, and insecurities as I spend the next six months living abroad on my own. I don’t like emotions and I’m very good at pushing negative feelings away, so I really want to work on this.

So, here I am, calling on you – my readers, my friends, my Season 4 ‘sisters,’ and Molly – to keep me accountable.  With a huge life-changing event such as this one, comes tons of emotions, insecurities, fear, and doubt. I’m trying to brace myself for what comes next, but I’m hoping you can support and push me as I work to complete these goals by the end of my Stratejoy adventure.

It’s going to be one hell of a journey, so sit back and enjoy the ride.

[Note from Coach Molly: Damn, Kate.  I knew all of this, but to watch it come out in one big massive post, tears me up and my heart wells at what a rough go it's been for you.  But I know you are strong, and even more importantly, you are open to hope.  And new opportunity.  And grace.  You are facing your life and this next adventure with courage I can only hope to have.  I will so be here beside you (or across the ocean from you!) to support you through your goals.  Especially that lovely embrace of your hard stuff.  We are all going to be here for you.]

[photo credit: Leonard John Matthews]

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No One Told Me Life Would Be This Messy

posted 4th February 2011    Written by: Katharine    CATEGORY: Job/Career/Work, Katharine, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 4, Travel

INTRODUCING KATHARINE:

Just when I thought I had it all, I suddenly had nothing.

I wanted to go to culinary school.  I had a childhood dream of opening up my own Bed & Breakfast near a ski resort in Colorado or Utah, serving up the world’s best pancakes, French toast, and eggs benedict.  Food was my passion and creativity, and growing up I loved to cook.

But when it was time to grow up, I had to make a choice – culinary school and one year in Paris on my own dime, or four years of college on the University of Pittsburgh’s dime.  It was a no-brainer – I went to college.  My mother worked for the University, which meant free tuition, and I graduated with a Bachelor of Arts in Sociology.

I transplanted myself in Philadelphia in 2005 and had successfully climbed the Legal ladder working at a small, prestigious law firm in Center City.  I co-founded a grassroots nonprofit organization to increase awareness for Human Papillomavirus (HPV) and cervical cancer, making valuable strides in my community to prevent, protect, and educate women on the devastating disease.  I joined a co-ed street hockey league (I never played the sport before), traveled around the country to compete in National tournaments and have won five championships and an MVP trophy.  In five years, I have built a strong foundation for myself through careers in law and nonprofit, sustaining valuable friendships, actively participating in sports leagues, and establishing a freelance writing presence.

Professors and teachers can prepare you academically for the real world, but no one can prepare you for real life – those unexpected moments that either make you or break you.

I had a plan for 2011: re-brand my nonprofit organization, celebrate the purchase of my first house, and start graduate school.  Two weeks before Christmas, my plan suddenly shattered and that foundation I spent years building crumbled beneath me.  Volunteers resigned from my nonprofit organization and my law firm dissolved.  Just when I thought I had it all, I suddenly had nothing.  My nonprofit was failing miserably, I lost my job, and I spiraled into a third bout of depression.

No one prepared me for entrepreneurial failures or a job loss.  No one told me how terrifying it is to watch your plan shatter right in front of you.  No one told me how emotionally draining it is to pick yourself up after all the hardships.  You can’t teach these things, you can only learn from them.

I don’t know what happens next.  I thought at age 25, I had already conquered my quarterlife crisis (more on that next week), but after suffering a devastating job loss and entrepreneurial failures, maybe I’m right in the thick of it.  I thought I wanted the Corporate 9-5 lifestyle, but after spending nearly a decade in the legal field, I realize it’s just not me.  I want adventures, creativity, passion, and to live life on my own terms. Except now I don’t know what that involves.

I’m moving to Prague, Czech Republic on March 17th to pursue a TEFL Certification and look at culinary programs.  I’m absolutely terrified.  It’s scary when you realize your dreams could be come reality. What if I fail at this?  What if I hate being abroad for so long?  What if I’m not cut out for teaching English or culinary school?

Rocky Balboa said:

“It ain’t about how hard you hit; it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.”

I’ve been hit with too many devastating events in my life, and each time seems to beat me harder than the last.  It’s time to move forward.  It’s time to take my life abroad and test my limits.  It’s time to create my own happiness and discover what it means to live life on my own terms.  Eventually, you reach a point in life when you stop questioning your decisions, your abilities and yourself, and just do it.

Make your dreams come true.


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