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Following My Heart, or the Benefits of Being Selfish

posted 4th March 2010    Written by: Katie    CATEGORY: Inspiration, Katie, Season 2, Tips & Tools, Travel

I’m breaking the news to my family and friends of my move gradually.

Did I tell you guys yet? No? Oh, well, I’m moving.

If you did know this already, and you’re thinking “Yeah, Katie, we know you’re moving in February 2011″– you’re only half right. I’m moving, but much sooner than expected. Much sooner as in, within 2 months.

You could say, I’m following my heart.

Some of my friends are relatively happy about it. The majority are experiencing nothing short of surprise in epic proportions. To most of my friends I’ve become known as the girl who has big ideas, makes big plans,  but does nothing with them.

I’m really good at starting things. From spring cleaning, to a new life direction, to journals, I’ve developed a certain level of appreciation for starting things fresh and new. It’s my own personal way of alleviating past mistakes and starting with a clean slate.

However great I am at beginning, I lack the follow-through necessary to create lasting experiences. No matter how good it feels to start things, they only remain “brand new” for so long until it feels old, used, and no longer worth dedicating time to. Even during the duration of the Joy Equation, I had a very difficult time committing time to myself everyday to do self-discovery. As I mentioned before, I expected myself to fail, and it was starting to become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Because of this unfortunate habit of mine, no one really believes that I’m moving.

Even more, they believe that they can simply offer me an alternative solution that will keep me in my home state forever. How convenient for them, but really it’s an open invitation for me to not follow through on yet another set of plans.

I’d be lying if I didn’t say that their ideas weren’t tempting:

“Move in with me!”

“Move in with your aunt!”

“Just grin and bear it!”

Yes, they all sound like perfectly great ways to stand still for the rest of my life. I’ve realized that I don’t want to stand still anymore. I want to move – not only in physical location, but emotionally, mentally, and in any other way one can move; that is, in every way but backwards.

I’m leaving a lot behind in New Jersey. my family, my friends, my car, my apartment, my life. In following my heart, I’m leaving it all behind to start fresh. One of my friends got very emotional when I told him that I was moving. “Why are you being so selfish?” he said. I was speechless and really gave his accusation some thought.

Was I being selfish?  Should I be thinking more about my family and friends and their needs?

Like any awesome Generation-Y person, I instantly Googled “Selfish” prepared for some slap in the face definition that would make me realize that I was wrong, and that my true destination shouldn’t be miles away. I found this:

selfish -\ˈsel-fish\ Holding one’s self-interest as the standard for decision making.

That just solidified my decision. Shouldn’t we all be a little selfish? Try it, you just might like it.

As many of us tend to do, I’ve lived a majority of my life attempting to please others. I’m a people pleaser, which tends to be my biggest appeal and my biggest downfall. After twenty-five years of putting other’s needs and wants before mine, I want to give myself a chance. My heart has been on the backburner for such a long time, it’s just begging to be able to do what it wants to do for once.

For the first time, I’m going to listen.

One of my most difficult parts of the Joy Equation for me was the realization that I was not able to remember the last time I felt happy. I wasn’t able to answer the simple question of “Describe in detail how you feel when you are happy.”

(Hey, Molly, ask me again what makes me happy. Ask me one more time how I feel when I’m happy.)

Whenever I imagine my life according to my terms, I feel this sense of exhilaration. I feel like my world is much bigger, and my possibilities are endless. My heart races, a smile comes on my face, and I’m excited to transfer money into my savings account for the move which I have appropriately named “Road to Happiness Account”.

In these moments I am happy. In these moments I feel whole. It feels amazing not only to have life coming straight at me, but to be walking towards it with open arms.

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My Biggest Fan

posted 10th February 2010    Written by: Heather Rae    CATEGORY: All Posts, Heather Rae, Love/Relationships, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 2

My fiancé is my best friend.  We’ve been together for seven years.  I tell him everything.  Seriously, it’s true.

I tell him when I come up with a really bad plot for a novel, when I dream up my next crazy adventure, when I’m frustrated with life – you name it, I tell him about it.  Even when it’s inappropriate – like, “Hey honey, you would not believe, I totally have a crush on some guy!”

As a couple, there are two rules we follow:

1. Be honest.  About everything.  Never leave anything out.  Don’t even tell a white lie.

2. Never, ever yell.  I mean never.  Never ever.

That’s it.  Those are our rules.  Everything else is minor.

I learned a long time ago to let go of unrealistic expectations. There’s no way to really know where our relationship will take us or how our future will look.  We both recognize the delicate balance that exists which allows us to continue growing in the same direction.  We nurture that balance.

There are days when putting in the effort to maintain a happy, healthy relationship actually seems effortless.  Then, there are days when it seems useless.  Honestly, we have both – the good days and the bad.

What’s really superb is that my fiancé is my biggest fan.  When it comes to figuring out this whole Quarterlife Crisis thing, he’s behind me all the way (often cheering and doing the wave).  I come up with the crazy ideas, and he says, “Yes – do it!”

  1. Me:  I think I’m going to quit my job.
  2. Him:  Sounds like a great idea.
  1. Me:  Maybe I should write a novel.
  2. Him:  Of course you should.
  1. Me:  I want to spend the summer volunteering in the Amazon.
  2. Him:  They’d be lucky to have you.

It goes on like that.  He’s never once said an idea was unrealistic.  If anything, he tells me I need to think bigger, reach higher. And he never even blinks when, the next week, I tell him I’ve changed my mind.

I’m lucky like that.

But as I said, it’s not always easy.  In reality, I don’t exactly know the next best thing for our relationship as I move toward a life that’s more authentic – more like me.  I sometimes fear I have dreams that don’t fit with his.  He has his own goals and ambitions.  They’re big.  He amazes me every day.  And they’re also here – in the U.S. (And for good reason.  I assure you, his need to stay stateside for the next several years is not a selfish one.)

I’m going to be really honest.  If I were single, the first thing I would do to kick off this quest for fulfillment would be to get out a map, pick a place and go. I would sell my things, let go of any attachment to material wealth and move to another country.  I would become a long term volunteer, or teach English or join the Peace Corps.  There’s something inside me that wants to break free of this place and just go.  This isn’t a random whim that’s likely to go away on its own.  I’ve been dreaming about it for years.  Only now, I actually have the means to make that dream a reality.  Sort of.

But then there’s the part of me that’s in love. The part that says, you can’t leave for that long – what would happen to your relationship?

I know he will support me, regardless of the path I take.  But I’ve been on the other side.  I’ve been the one waiting for him to come home (long story, but let’s just blame that all on the military).  To be honest, it sucks.  And it wouldn’t be fair to him.  I can’t leave for six months, a year, two years – and expect him to wait patiently.

Well, I could, but it just doesn’t feel right.

And so I struggle.  I struggle to strike a delicate balance between the two things that pull at me – real love and the need to get out in the world and see it all.

I want to find a way to have my cake.  And then eat it.  I mean, really.  Has anyone ever said to you, “Hey, do you want to have some cake?” and then expected you not to eat it?  Of course not.  If you’re going to have cake, you’re obviously going to eat it.  So that’s what I’m working on – how to have both.  Right now, that looks like multiple trips that are shorter in length.  It looks like coming home to the man I love and then leaving to do the things that I love.

People often think that relationships should follow a certain set of rules or look a certain way.  I disagree.  I think a relationship should look exactly how the couple involved wants it to look. Make up your own rules.  Do what works for you.  As for me, I’m still trying to figure it all out.

And maybe that’s how it should be – always searching, always learning, always trying.

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