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Sex and the Zerbert Test

posted 19th January 2012    Written by: Kat    CATEGORY: All Posts, Kat, Love/Relationships, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 5, Travel, Travel/Adventure

My friend Rebecca* and I decided that we’re going to implement a new test to determine whether we should be dating someone. The name of the test is still in the works, but that doesn’t matter. The point is that we think it’s going to be really useful.

It’s a simple test, really. All you have to do is give someone a zerbert (or raspberry – you know, where you put your mouth against their arm or belly and blow, and it makes a funny sound) and see how they react. Because let’s be honest: if someone can’t handle a zerbert, they’re not cut out for a long-term relationship, at least not one with Rebecca or me.

I haven’t decided at what point I will perform the test, though I suppose I’ll know when the situation arises. It doesn’t seem like first date material; however, I can’t remember the last time I had a typical first date, so maybe it could be. I could ask the basic questions – job (He should have one, and possibly like it.), last book he read (It needs to be something more recent than The Very Hungry Caterpillar, unless he spends a lot of time around two-year-olds.), favorite place he’s traveled (If he doesn’t travel, he gets the boot.), how often he calls his mom (Three times a day is not an acceptable answer.) – and follow them up with a zerbert.

…okay, maybe I should come up with an alternate plan.

I think the most practical application for me will be in bed. Now, naturally, I don’t want to have sex with someone before performing the zerbert test. If they can’t handle a zerbert, why would I want to go all the way with them? I’m thinking that perhaps the first time we find ourselves moving in that direction, I’ll lift up my date’s shirt and attack his belly. If he laughs, we can get it on. If he stares at me like I have three heads, I’ll have to hightail it out of that situation. Because if he thinks that’s weird, he probably won’t be able to cope with my penchant for having Spice Girls dance parties while I cook.

You see what I mean? It’s the perfect test.

This whole conversation started because over the course of my travels, I slept with someone new. Now, I tend to keep this sort of thing to myself – or at least a limited group of close friends, because let’s be honest, we all love talking about sex. I wanted to talk about this hookup in particular because, over the course of analyzing every detail, I realized something: I hadn’t enjoyed myself in bed that much since…2005? 2006?

Over years of worrying whether I look good enough naked, or being pushed away by my ex, or hooking up with inappropriate men, I forgot how much fun sex could be. I forgot what it was like to spend the day in bed wrapped up in each other. I forgot the electricity that can happen when a guy runs his fingers up my arms with fingertips barely grazing my skin. I forgot how good it can feel to get into a tickle war and shriek and laugh. I forgot that we can be silly in bed and that it doesn’t have to be so serious.

I think this guy would have passed the zerbert test.

Now, I do see one flaw with this new plan: someone could pass and still not be a good long-term partner for me. I’ll still have to ask those first (and second and third) date questions, think about whether he’d be a good father to our potential future children, know that he doesn’t hate my tattoos, and so on.

Chemistry and silliness – and the ability to appreciate the unexpected – are good steps in the right direction, though.

*Name has been changed!

[photo credit: me!]

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The Funny Thing About Joy

posted 5th October 2010    Written by: Doniree    CATEGORY: Doniree, Family, Love/Relationships, Season 3, Travel

Landing in a new city’s airport and that feeling of exploration and adventure.  The way my boyfriend holds my hand.  Colorado sunrises.  Minnesota sunsets.  Dinner nights with my girlfriends.  Finding stillness in a yoga posture.  Italian espresso.  Learning a new skill.  Pen-to-paper journaling.  Drinking chocolate.  New yoga clothes.  Julie and Julia. Learning about wines from my dad.  Morning snuggles.  Road trip playlists.  Blogger meet-ups.  Happy hours.  The pop of a champagne cork.  Date night.  Great conversation.  Mashed sweet potatoes with butter and brown sugar.  The way my mom calls my sister and I both “tootsiegirl” and signs her emails and blog comments “tootsiemom.”  Fresh air.  Mountains.  Beaches.  Autumn in Minnesota.  Macaroni and cheese.  Kisses.

These are the things that bring me joy, and what pure and simple fun really feels like for me.  Curly Girl Designs (my favorite cards and stationary and paper products ever) has this quote on the front of one of their cards, and I LOVE it:

Funny thing about joy is that you only really find it when you’re having too much fun to go looking for it.

Core values

It’s easy to list out all of the things we love, all of the things that make us feel that pure, simple joy.  For me, my joy centers around a few core values and priorities.  Five in particular: love, travel, yoga, learning, and writing.  It seems that my most important choices and direction in life centers around one of these priorities, and when these are back-burnered everything gets out of balance.  I know where I find my joy, but how do I stay connected to it?

Making time for fun

The important thing, I believe, is not only knowing where your joy comes from, but committing to staying connected to it.  For me, this means making time for fun.

Pure, simple fun is a priority, a must, and a crucial part of staying balanced. My idea of fun varies from large gatherings to one-on-one time, from being out and about to quiet evenings in.  Fun, to me, is Potluck Sunday - a once-a-week gathering of new and old friends.  It’s getting the program at a baseball game and keeping the scorecard (thanks, mom and dad for teaching me how to do that when I was younger!).  Fun is creating something from scratch, be it a scarf (I just learned to crochet, and that’s all I can make right now) or a piece of writing I’m proud of.  Fun is hiking in Colorado, boating on the lakes in Minnesota, and driving open highways with the windows down.

Fun is catching up with family on backyard porch swings, and it’s spending time with friends over morning coffee or afternoon happy hour (or vice versa, let’s not judge).  It’s sharing in the creation of a meal, and the sheer volume of conversation over a shared table of food.  Fun is Sunday drives into the mountains, ridiculous conversations with my girlfriends, and getting through a stack of new magazines.  It’s starting new friendships, and reconnecting with old ones.

My deepest joy comes out of my relationships, and this includes the connection to myself and the commitment to pursuing joy through the path of fun.  It’s in the little moments that are actually really big moments because those little pieces make up the whole picture of how we define everything about our lives and our love, our joy, and our FUN.

Where does your joy come from, and what do you do for fun to stay connected to it?


{Photo credit: mine}

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Minimalism, Fun, and Finding a Connection

posted 26th September 2010    Written by: Lindsey    CATEGORY: All Posts, Life Lesson, Lindsey, Season 3, Spirituality, Travel, What I've Learned

“Ah, life is a gate, a way, a path to Paradise anyway, why not live for fun and joy and love…” - Big Sur by Jack Kerouac

Autumn fell quickly in Oklahoma and the shack we were living in didn’t have a bathroom. Once the frost set in, using a shovel in great outdoors as a toilet wasn’t very appealing. We were on a trip, “West” the only destination, so it only made sense to head that way.

I was broke and without work. My worldly possessions were stored in Montana, where I had last lived. I planned to sell it all and make some cash. So we set out on the highway, across great vast sweeping plains through Kansas, Colorado, Wyoming. Only the Suburu on the road, and a semi truck, every now and then.

When we got to Montana, I discovered that everything I had stored was gone. Everything I had planned to use, or sell.

I was frustrated. And pissed. And broke. And broken.

I called my friend, blearily teary, heading west on Interstate 90, apologizing for not saying my farewells, but that I simply couldn’t stay any longer. Not after everything was gone.

He said to me, “Lindsey, do you know how many times I’ve lost everything?”
“No,” I sniffed.
He paused and said, emphatically, “Seven.”

And I did the only thing that made sense: I laughed. I realized that everything wasn’t really everything. I didn’t need my clothes or my skis or my DVD collection to be myself. In fact, I had just lived 6 months without any of that stuff and it only made me feel more free to live how I wanted.

This realization is one of my great revelations of traveling.

Since then, I’ve been living with way less things than I ever have before, and getting pretty good at it. Do you need a delicious meal prepared using only a saucepan (without a handle), a kitchen towel, and a questionable thrift store wooden spoon? I got you! (You don’t mind eating out of a mason jar, do you?) How about a new winter wardrobe with $50. Yeah, I can do that.

This is the story of how I inadvertently became a wannabe minimalist.

Minimalism

I’m dramatic. Most people don’t leave everything they own with someone that could potentially go to jail/turn many things into nothing so this story might be a bit irrelevant to anyone who is stable/sane. I believe that living with less is an awesome way to live life but I definitely couldn’t have gotten to this point without having everything taken. I’m a hoarder at heart. Funny how life works out sometimes, the worst possible situations turning into a completely beneficial lifestyle change.

When I was forced into living with nothing, I realized the simple pleasures in life and reconnected with some old passions.

I found personal productivity through living simply. Not buying, or being a typical consumer helps me have a small footprint. I’m an idealist and a hippie and hold firm to the belief that living lighter is one of the best things humans can do for the planet.

Also because I’m poor, having a reason to NOT buy more Things sure helps keep this waitress afloat.

Living the Fun, Alternatively

For someone with few things and no ability to waste money, the word “fun” takes on a new definition. It isn’t about going out to dinners and movies and the bar anymore. Because, at one point in my life, entertainment and fun were synonymous. I’ve since redefined how to have fun.

Fun is pursuing something awesome, with good people.

A few weeks ago, several friends took a sailboat out into Lake Michigan at midnight. Out in the lake, under a bright starry sky, we pulled out instruments. A banjo, a guitar, a ukulele and voices rang out. I played around with some nighttime photography. We taught each other about sailing and astronomy and how to avoid seasickness.

The breeze kissed my face and my heart glowed to be in the moment of natural beauty, creativity, adventure and love. It was really fun.

Fun is a Part of Every Day

If you want it to be. That’s the great thing about life – you can choose to have fun.

Smalltown Michigan summer is over, people are gone, and I feel more alone than ever. I’ve been using my isolation to practice meditation. I read The Dharma Bums at the beginning of summer and I related with Jack Kerouac when goes home and spends the winter meditating under a tree.

Everyone thought he was a big waste, just sitting out under a tree. But he found something within himself that season, that he took with him back into his travels and life.

Granted, I didn’t spend the whole summer under a tree. I wrote and hung out with new friends but mostly on my own, trying to be still, and present, and understand myself. I spent time outdoors, I read, I learned, and I grew. I’m not quite sure where the line gets drawn between fun and growth anymore. Not such a bad thing.

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Morning Bliss: The Best Part of Waking Up

posted 3rd September 2010    Written by: Alisha    CATEGORY: Alisha, All Posts, Family, Life Lesson, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 3, Tips & Tools, Travel, Travel/Adventure

Each morning I rise, give praise for the rays of light.  Sun salutations, cat poses, savasanas.  The warmth of the chai spreads through my chest, into my arms, down my legs.  The air inside is still; the only noise I hear is the gentle hum of the refridgerator as it toils to keep the food cold during these dog days of summer.  With a pen in hand, I scribble all my thoughts and dreams from the days before.  Every penstroke is a gentle caress on the smooth, vanilla bean paper.  My head and heart empty, ready to recieve the gifts the present day may bring.

O. M. G.  I wish.  This is how it really goes down:

Right around dawn, my daughter screams.  She doesn’t whimper, she doesn’t cry.  She screams at the top of her lungs.  I nurse her, lay her back down in her crib and cross my fingers and toes in hopes that I can get just forty-five more minutes of sleep.  I make it back to my own bed, curl up into the fetal position and pull the blankets over my head.  32 minutes pass by and at 6:47 a.m. she is ready to begin her day.  I change her diaper, get the coffee started (extra-strong please!), make her oatmeal, wash a few dishes and sweep the floor as I wait for my son to emerge.  At 7:02 a.m. he stumbles into the kitchen, rubbing his eyes and muttering something about dinosaurs.  He demands animal crackers for breakfast.

“I don’t think so little man.  How about cereal and milk?” I ask him sweetly.

“Mmmmm.  Eh-eh.  Animals.”

“Toast and butter?”  I say as I look him sternly in the eye.

“Eh-eh!  Animals!”

“No.  Cereal and milk or toast and butter?”  Hunched over and with a raised eye-brow, I repeat his options.

“Animals!  Animals!  Animals!” he protests while jumping up and down, much to the dismay of the neighbors below, I am sure.

I mean, really.  I have not had any coffee yet, I am still in my underwear–literally–and at only 7:08 in the morning, Time Out Number 1 is underway.  It is totally not the zen-filled morning I so desperately crave.  Take this morning, repeat it 4 days a week, and multiply it by 52 weeks in a year.  That equals 208.  208 out of 365 days of my year start out this way.  So it is no wonder that when I dream about my “perfect” life, I am usually alone.

According to my therapist, this is because I don’t vacate.  I do not make the time to do those things in which I take delight.  So this week, I am taking my therapist’s advice and vacating.  Well, vacating as much as I possibly can with a husband and two kids.  We are off to Colorado, my friends!  Seven days and six nights away from home, in the bright sunshine and crisp mountain air.  And while I am there, I will make time for myself.  This is not a plan, this is a promise.  I am making a promise to be kind to myself…to allow myself to vacate (at least a teensy little bit) because I know that upon my return I will be renewed, refreshed, regenerated.

I recently finished working through Week 1 of The Joy Equation and I had a breakthrough.  It was the kind of breakthrough that made me feel strong, empowered, brave, ready to take on the world with clearer vision.  You see, at the end of Week 1, I made a list of 8 core values.  Molly calls our core values ”the Habits of our Heart.”  She couldn’t be more right.  Through Week 1′s exercises I realized that a lot of the pain and suffering I had experienced over the last five or six years was kind of my own fault: I made choices that discounted my intuition and casted my values aside.  (Okay, that and the whole bi-polar thing too.)  It was a slap in the face, but I welcomed it.

I decided that I was ready for some fun again. I want to get back to a little bit of that old “Alisha”.  Old Alisha was fun, a little more free, and a lot happier.  So, on this vacation, I am going to vacate my old ways; I am going to reintegrate my core values into my life and into my choices.  I think life will be more fun that way.

photo credit

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Fun? What’s that? And How do I Find it?

posted 17th March 2010    Written by: Heather Rae    CATEGORY: Heather Rae, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 2, Tips & Tools

What did you like to do for fun when you were a kid?  What about when you were a teenager?  Answering these questions might be a clue to what you will enjoy as an adult.  A conversation with a friend made me consider these questions, and I feel much happier having done so.

Here’s the scoop:  several years ago, when hanging out with a friend, we discussed what we should do that evening.  The conversation started with the typical, “I don’t know.  What do you want to do?”  And that sentiment bounced between us a few times before he stopped me and said, “Heather, you’re boring.  Do you like to do anything?  Do you even know what you like to do for fun?”

I squinted my eyes and tweaked the left corner of my mouth upward before answering, “You’re a jerk.”

And then I thought about his question.  I couldn’t answer it.  As rude as it was for him to say, there was a grain of truth in that statement.  I had no clue what I liked to do for fun.

The question haunted me.

I was unnerved to realize I had no idea what I actually enjoyed doing.  But then I decided I was simply too busy for fun – and certainly too busy to spend time considering fun.  At the time, I was an undergrad.  I took an average of five classes a semester, mostly science classes with labs.  And I worked full time.  Who had time to sit around and wonder what they would enjoy during hypothetical leisure time? I had no leisure time.

So I forgot about the question and moved on.  My focus was on keeping my grades up and working my ass off.

Yet, the question still nagged me.  During free moments, I found myself wondering exactly that — what did I like to do for fun?

Years passed and my habit of working too hard and playing too little continued.  I finished undergrad, was accepted to grad school and moved full speed ahead.

When I finished grad school, I found I had a little more time to myself.  But I still didn’t know the answer to that burning question.  This needed to change.  I just didn’t know how.  I spent a lot of time thinking about what I liked to do, and I pretty much came up blank.

And then I realized something.  When I last really took the time to have fun for the sake of fun, I was a kid.  When I was young, my approach was pretty much to try everything and stick with the things I liked.

So I spent time pondering that idea — what were some of the things I liked doing when I was a kid?  Did any of those things make me wish I were a kid again, for the sake of enjoying those same experiences?

Whenever I thought of something I once enjoyed, I gave the adult version a try.

For instance, ballet class was my absolute favorite pastime, so I took up dance — I tried hula dancing and belly dancing and pole dancing.  As a kid, I read everything I could get my hands on, so I ventured back to the local library.  I once enjoyed cooking for my family, so I pulled out the cookbooks and looked online for interesting recipes.

I continued to try things in this way.  If I heard of something that sounded interesting, I resolved to try it. Each semester, I meticulously read the community education catalog from my local college.  I circled classes I was interested in.  When one fit my schedule and my budget, I enrolled.  I even took college classes just for fun.  Human Anatomy might not sound fun to most people, but I sure enjoyed it.

And this was how I discovered my passions — many of which I already knew but had simply forgotten.

If anyone asks me that question again — what do you like to do for fun? — I feel confident I can answer.

I like hiking and being outdoors.  I like going for walks in my neighborhood.  I like taking dance classes.  I like to read books.  I like to write.  I like to teach.  I like to cook.  I like to see musicals.  I like taking random college classes for no reason other than to learn something new.  I like to study language.  I like to travel.  I like to draw and paint.

There is no end to what I like to do.  And the best part?  My answer is always evolving, always changing.

So if you’re anything like me — if you find it hard to answer the question, “What do you like to do for fun?”  Try asking yourself a different question, “What did you like to do for fun when you were a kid?”  You might be surprised what you discover.

photo credit: m.mogall

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