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I Admit, Money Makes Me Crazy

posted 16th March 2011    Written by: Laura    CATEGORY: Laura, Love/Relationships, Money, Season 4

So, here’s the thing. I haven’t been completely honest with all of you. Although I’ve been pretty real about where I am in my life right now, I haven’t fully acknowledged my crazies.

The crazies that have to do with money. Specifically, with spending too much of it, feeling like I need more of it, and being forced to spend it in ways I’d rather not. I don’t even know where to start, or how to admit my deep down demons in an eloquent way. So I’m just gonna write, and see what comes out.

My issue with money goes pretty far back. My parents split up when I was in junior high. One of the spin-off benefits was that my already close relationships with them got even closer. My Mom and I were like roommates and there wasn’t much parent-child censorship going on, which most of the time was pretty convenient. But other times, it meant that my Mom’s worries became my worries. Or at least, they became stressors I was acutely aware of.

Even though I worked steadily since I was 16 and my Mom’s burden of paying for our day-to-day was a heavy one, I got to spend my money on whatever I wanted. In our little non-nuclear family, my Mom worried about how to pay the bills, I spent my money on school books, booze and clothes, and my Dad paid for my education and took me out often for dinner, movies and other treats. I felt my Mom’s anxiety, benefitted from my Dad’s lean lifestyle (it’s not that he was rolling in it; it’s that his splurges were minimal), and enjoyed the rush of spending discretionary funds.

As my university degree was coming to a close, my Mom was getting ready to move in with her boyfriend. So within six weeks of my final university exam, I was living with my boyfriend, paying bills, insuring my first car, and receiving my first salary. Hunny and I worked out a bit of an expenses-sharing model that would do for the time being.

We didn’t talk about it nearly enough at the time and five years later, we still don’t. Five years later, our salaries have increased – a lot – but so have our spending habits. Our financial discussions and collaborations have not increased with them.

Our savings? Nil. Our mortgage readiness? Non existent. Our credit card debt? Growing. Or at best, cyclical; paid down, back up. Expenses we didn’t budget for? Constant. Because I don’t budget for wiggle room. At all. Hence the growing credit card debt.

But I hate debt. It makes my chest tighten, my pulse quicken, my blood pressure rise. It makes me feel 24/7 pressure to make more, or spend less. Yet, the reality of doing either to any significant extent is pretty, well, unrealistic.

To make matters worse? When I feel like I’m making progress with the crazies – you know, through peaceful thoughts, acceptance, that kind of stuff – I feel like everything other people say or do aggravate them.

Hunny talks about wanting to buy something or tells me gas went up again; my chest tightens.

My Mom stresses about not being able to afford something for herself; my mood darkens.

My Dad wants to treat me to dinner and even though I make more than enough (and more than him), I let him; because I didn’t really account for eating dinner out this week.

I check the balance of our bank account (the one Hunny and I both contribute to, but that doesn’t hold all of our money) and I hold my breath. Did he buy something I don’t know about? Did those three trips to the grocery store add up to more than they should have?

My girlfriends plan a night out for drinks and snacks, and I dread having to pay for it. Because I love the control of not spending money; although, I also like the ease I trick myself into feeling when I do spent it.

My new business partners and I crunch numbers and play around with budget projections, and fury slowly boils in my gut. I believe money can smell fear. If you worry you don’t have it, you won’t. If you wish you had more of it, you’ll have less. If you talk about it too much, the power you’re giving it will manifest in a tangible way.

I’m terrified of obsessing about it; so then I obsess about not obsessing. See? Told you. Crazies.

Don’t get me wrong – we’re fine. We have a new car, nice apartment, I buy as many vegetables as I want, I have life insurance, we contribute to RRSPs / 401Ks, and I have plenty of client projects on the books. Our little family has more than enough. My business makes more than enough. I believe both of these things to be truths, not temporary.

But in my relationship, my Hunny and I are not on the same financial page nearly enough. In my business, I have a lot of honesty to share if I want my business partners to get where I’m coming from. And in my head, I’ve got a whole lot of crazies related to one thing that is never going to go away. As certain as death and taxes is that I’ll always live in a civilization that is based on money.

Love it, fear it, loathe it; it ain’t going anywhere. Which means this girl right here? She’s got a lot of work to do. Ugh.

{Photo credit}

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How to Make Friends in New Situations

posted 16th October 2010    Written by: Renee    CATEGORY: All Posts, Life Lesson, Renee, Season 3, What I've Learned

I have quite a bit of experience making new friends in new situations. I’ve changed jobs quite a few times. I’ve moved a few times. And I thrive on chit-chat and learning about people. I want to feel included, to feel liked, and to enjoy the casual company of others. It can be a daunting task, figuring out how to make friends, especially if you’re the new girl. I can remember staying up the night before my graduate orientation, terrified that I’d be lonely, that I wouldn’t fit in, that I wouldn’t relate, that I would make zero friends, and convinced the next two years of my Masters program would be akin to solitary confinement. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Since beginning my graduate program, I’ve surrounded myself with brilliant, beautiful, inspiring, gutsy people from all different walks of life. I never expected it but the friends I’ve made so far have given me a pleasant surprise.

So, having been the awkward girl who now happens to have a pretty solid group of grad school colleagues, I thought I’d share some of the things I’ve learned from this specific experience. I’ve identified some of the key components that take the edge off of how to make new friends. These are the things I needed to convey and the things that I look for in friends.

Warmth — Have you ever met those people who don’t look you in the eye, who don’t smile, who seem uptight and stiff? If you’re not willing to shine, or even glimmer, would you expect anyone to make the effort to warm up to you? Probably not. Always be warm, be your radiant, amazing self to everyone you meet. I’ve found that when you are warm to others, you’ll receive warmth in return. A smile or encouraging remark can lift anyone’s spirit.

Honesty — Exhibit an honest, authentic representation of yourself. Put your crazy out there. If your religion or politics or opinions on something are incredibly important to you, why not wear that on your sleeve? When I meet someone new and if I develop a friend crush on them, chances are I’m going to lay it all out there. This is me, this is who I am, this is what drives me, and if you can accept that, I will accept your crazy. It evens out the playing field and encourages authentic relationships.

Humor — I use humor as an icebreaker. This works mostly because I make jokes when I’m nervous. Being socially awkward, I’m nervous any time I’m forced in a situation that involves New People. So I bust out my inner Tina Fey. Similarly, I’m drawn to people who make me laugh; people who use silly voice, who gesticulate wildly, who can deliver a story with such enthusiasm that it feels like we experienced it together. These are magnetic people and I strive to be on the same playing field.

Listening — Something I learned the hard way: You can’t expect someone to listen to you babble on about your wacky dream last night or your frustrations with a classmate unless you do the same for them. Active listening takes work. Don’t look at the computer screen while you’re listening, don’t pick at your nails, don’t interrupt. Friendship is a give and take. Be listened to and listen. (This is advice for myself, mostly, as I can be super bad at this!)

Sharing — Share stories.  Share office supplies.  Share brownies.  Sharing your resources is one of the best ways I’ve found to make a compassionate connection and new friends. Food is probably the most well-recepted, especially if you’re a great baker. The people flock to muffins… if you bake it, they will come.

So there you have it, the five things to keep in mind when entering new territory and yearning for friends. I still struggle with it. I still think to myself some days, “Okay. Don’t speak up about such-and-such again because you’re starting to sound annoying.” But that’s all part of the learning process. I’ve discovered if you’re honest with yourself, you’ll develop honest friendships. And that’s a beautiful thing.

{photo: Erica Marshall of muddyboots.org}

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Defining My Values

posted 21st August 2010    Written by: Renee    CATEGORY: Inspiration, Renee, Season 3, Spirituality

I completed the Joy Equation in February 2010.  As part of Week One, I was instructed to identify my eight core values. This was new territory for me.  My values?  No one has ever asked about my values. The only time I ever hear the word “values” is when the religious right shouts about “family values” which is really just a band-aid for bigotry. I had to warm up to the word. What are my values?

At first, with my Catholic background, I thought about the Beatitudes, from Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount.

Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are the meek: for they shall possess the land.
Blessed are they who mourn: for they shall be comforted.
Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after justice: for they shall have their fill.
Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.
Blessed are the clean of heart: for they shall see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.
Blessed are they that suffer persecution for justice’s shake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
(Matthew 5:3-10)

Peace? Yeah, okay, that sounds good. Justice? Sure. Merciful? Acceptable. Poor in spirit? Meek? Mourning? I get it, but those aren’t my values. I don’t want to lie down at the end of each day and ask myself, “Renee, were you poor in spirit today?” It doesn’t seem motivating.

I had to dig deeper. My Catholicism still clenched me in its grasp. I thought about the seven spiritual works of mercy.

1. Instruct the ignorant.
2. Counsel the doubtful.
3. Admonish sinners.
4. Bear wrongs patiently.
5. Forgive offenses willingly.
6. Comfort the afflicted.
7. Pray for the living and the dead.

Ah! Here we go. Teach. Counsel. Console. Forgiveness. Compassion. Patience. Peace. We’re getting closer. Thanks, St. Thomas of Aquinas, for teaching me about mercy.

The Joy Equation states, “Our core values are the habits of our heart.” What makes my heart cry out? What moves me to action? What would I fight to for the right to enjoy and experience?

I narrowed down a long, long list with notes in the margins reminding myself “not what I should choose, rather what resonates with me.” Finally, I came up with eight. And then I defined them.

Honesty – Being honest with myself and others, telling the truth, saying what I mean, and always having good, open communication.

Peace – Being at peace with myself, things in my life that I can’t change, and cutting back on the arguing to focus on the greater good. “Good enough is good enough.” –Jane Fonda

Love – Keeping love in my heart and showing it at all times, making everyone feel special and worth of my time. Radiate Love.

Patience – Knowing what matters enough to stress me out and what’s not worth my worries. Keeping my temper in check. Taking deep breaths and going slowly. Keep calm and carry on.

Joy/Humor – Smiling and laughing more than frowning and crying. Finding humor in unfavorable situations. Being able to laugh at myself. Enjoying the company of others. Finding my fun.

Compassion – Knowing when others need my help, a second chance, or a compromise. Putting myself in others’ shoes. Being flexible to accommodate the needs of others when they need it most.

Passion – Recognizing the drive I need to go after what I want. Taking life by the horns. Fearlessly pursuing the things I love. Making time to do things for me.

Authenticity – Knowing what’s best when I need it most. Staying true to myself. Putting my needs first. Taking time to fix #1. Not compromising my values. Doing what I need to do. Not being fake. Giving 100% all the time but knowing what 100% is.

When you wrap up my values and put a pretty bow on them, you can see the Beatitudes and spiritual works of mercy trickling through them… but you can also see my liberal arts education and my ferocious feminism. I can tell where I’m trying to reel in my Type A, Arian personality, trying to cool off my fire sign. I can tell where I’m trying to open my heart just a little more, to soften my rough edges and let a little more light in.

There’s something empowering about naming your values and doing your best to adhere to them, something very tenacious and gritty that I love.  It makes for one hell of a personal journey.

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