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The Trick to Saving Your Own Life

posted 23rd November 2010    Written by: Molly Mahar    CATEGORY: Inspiration, Life Lesson, Molly

My business is dedicated to helping you figure out your definition of success. Why? Because getting really fucking clear on your definition of success is insanely useful. You know what and where to aim, and you can celebrate your own path instead of continually comparing yourself to someone else or getting sidetracked by the next shiny object.

Obviously, in my own life, I try my very hardest to practice what I preach.

I’m teaching action planning?  Then I’m implementing my own action plans.  I’m coaching about expanding your social circle to find the true friendships that you crave?  Then I’m doing it in my own life as well.   I’m writing about falling head over heels in love with yourself?  Then you better believe I’m blowing myself kisses and shimmying in the mirror to admire my rockin’ moves.

In that spirit, I want to share a two very specific examples of how my own definition of success has supported me in times of trial.  Yes, babelicious, this is the trick to saving your own life.

Story One (The Relationship One)

One year ago, I was spending Thanksgiving with one of my bff’s and  her fiance at her parent’s house on the coast near the Canadian border.  I was laying low, taking care of my tender ego, and trusting my heart with all that I had.  The key question here is: Why wasn’t I with the Big Man?

The short version is that I was giving him space to figure out his version of his best life. We had been together for over 4 years when he told me that he wasn’t sure if kids were in his future…  The hardest part?  Kids were definitely in MY future and I had never been quiet about that point.  Having those little people, building a family, and being a mom have always been major players in my definition of success.

The Big Man and I had hit the largest bump in our relationship.

Having kids were one thing that I wasn’t willing to give up or leave to a maybe…  But I also realized that if they weren’t part of his best life, there was no way I could force it.  What good did that do us? And I really wanted him to live the life he wanted for himself, even if that didn’t include children or me for that matter.  People asked me if I was making the right choice — should I really put a desire for children before this man that I loved?

I understood the point they were trying to make.

The Big Man and I had an amazing relationship.  We really supported each other in our desired lifestyle and crazy traveling habits and freedom seeking vibe.  We made each other laugh, stood up for one another, and worked hard at making things work.  But kids were in my definitely in my version of success and he wasn’t quite sure.  Stalemate.

I moved out for a couple of months in 2009, giving him time and space to figure out what he wanted.

I was so certain that my best version of my life included a family that the decision to leave was hard, but also very clear.  And I wanted to make sure that he was making the right decisions for himself.  So, in-the-throes-of-unannounced-sobbing and my-whole-life-is-falling-apart-answers-to-how-are-you-doing-questions mode, I spent last Thanksgiving and Christmas apart from the Big Man.  I slept on an air mattress at my sister’s house (thank you to all her amazing roomies).   I cried, and journaled, and asked the Universe if I was doing the right thing.

Deep down, I knew that I was doing what I had to do for myself. And that I needed to allow him to do what he needed to do.  That certainty was freeing and saved me from all the second guessing and regret that tends to come major decisions like the one that I had made.

Obviously, there is a happy ending to this story.   I’m not going to pretend to know the work or prayers or  therapy that Big Man went though to uncover his choices, but we got engaged last January and married in August, and are now traveling around the country on our very extended honeymoon.  I imagine, once we settle down somewhere, it will be just about time to get down to the baby-making business!

My definition of success was my rock. All the work I had done to get clear about my desires and place in the world made “trusting my gut” and “standing up for myself” possible.

Story Two (The Lifestyle One)

For those of you who know me in real life, you know that this trip has been an interesting experience for me…   I’m living out of my car, staying in guestrooms, arriving in cities without knowing where we are sleeping, eating way too much crap on the road, having amazing adventures, driving and biking and walking a lot, and trying my very best to grow this amazing business I love so I can serve more women who need me.

For those of you who know me ever better, you know I’m a planner at heart. To be this free-spirited and free-wheeling actually takes quite a bit of concentrated effort on my part. I am getting a daily dose of staying in the moment practice, instead of obsessing about my future.

After a month on the road, I stared pining to go home.  I wanted to wake up and meditate.  I wanted to drink green smoothies.  I wanted to work my butt off on my Fierce Love product and guest blog for million cool people and form lucrative partnerships and figure out how to reach all those 20somethings who need me.  I wanted to be have a plan and be able to execute it without the daily concerns of  “Where are we going to eat?  Where are we going to sleep?  What do you what to do today versus what do I need to get done?”

Basically, I started freaking out. I wanted more control…   And then, after two super inspiring pump me up conferences for women entrepreneurs, I REALLY wanted to go home.

It was time to conquer the world!  It was time to monetize like crazy!  It was time emerge as a mix of all my heroines and kick some ass and beef up my writing skills and starting volunteering for hospice and decorate my new home and have imaginative hot sex with my husband and get in ridiculous shape and…  And…

Yes.  I was falling under that trap of “I’ll be happy when…” story.  You’d think I would know better, eh? ;)

Luckily, I have a partner who reminds me of my own bigger picture when I lose my vision.  And I have amazing friends who remind me to enjoy this special honeymoon and the freedom I’ve created in my life thus far to be able to do it.  And I have wise mentors who remind me I’m literally living out a huge dream of mine to be location independent, to make friends all over the country who share my thirst for a (slightly) unconventional life,  to travel with my husband collecting memories, and still be able to work on my passion-fueled business.

And my clients?  They are the best reminder of all.  As we create their definition of success together, I am forced to revisit mine.

A few weeks ago, I was losing touch with my own definition of what it means to be successful.  When I started admitting it, I was forcibly reminded by those around me that my goal isn’t to lead an easy life.  My goal isn’t to have a suburban home and a steady paycheck and a closet full of wrap dresses.  My goal isn’t to exert control of every situation so that I can operate comfortably.   My goal isn’t to be scared of challenges or to shrink back from adventure.

My definition of success is to live an extraordinary life. And part of that adventure is being open to new experiences, to live in the moment, and to really celebrate life!

After a week of processing and revisiting my big goals and dreams, I’ve realized I’m doing exactly what I want to be doing. What I need to be doing…   I’m building a business that supports and inspires women to rock their own lives.  I’m building a relationship that is open to exploration and personal growth and learning through experiences.   I’m checking off my Lifetime List NOW instead of waiting for someday.

Though it took a little prodding by others, I was able to save my own life by returning to my personal definition of success.

Hot damn.

The Wrap Up

Actions items?  Do whatever it takes to get really, really clear on what success looks like for YOU.  Hire a coach.  Take a bunch of inspiring eCourses. (Say, for example, the still awesome Joy Equation!) Go on retreat with nothing but a journal and your favorite pen. Talk it out.  Map it out.  Cover your walls with vision boards.  Study warrior role models.  Surround yourself with like-minded folk.

Define success in your words, in your way.  It’s a lifesaving tool.

**Question I know is coming:  Of course your definition of success will shift and change as you grow and experience new things and discover new truths. That doesn’t mean you should spend time really diving into it now. Create it, capture it, and return to it whenever you feel lost, confused, or overwhelmed by the need to make decisions.

Need some assistance?  Or just want to pick my brain for 75 minutes?

If you’re interested in jamming about your definition and it’s plan of action in 2011- I’m offering one-time power sessions for $100!   This will only be available through January!  It’s super easy to sign up.  Register with the button below, I’ll send you an intake form, and we’ll set up a time to talk for 75 minutes.

No further obligation, no sales pitches.

Just you + me + a supportive, inspiring, creative strategy session about YOUR LIFE.  You’ll leave with clarity, some future challenges, and a huge dose of excitement about life.  Ready?

BUY NOW

p.s.  If it’s not the right fit for you, stayed tuned…. All sorts of new Stratejoy goodies are on tap for 2011.

photo credit : wendkuni

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My First Post As A Quarterlife Crisis Survivor

posted 29th July 2010    Written by: Katie    CATEGORY: Inspiration, Katie, Season 2

“One day you’ll feel like everything is finished. That will be the very beginning.” – Unknown

I’ve started, completed, deleted, and rewritten this post about 10 times already. 6 months ago, I was composing my first blog post as a Season 2 guest blogger, and today I’m composing my last post.

Even typing “last post” doesn’t sit right with me.  I feel like its a fluke, Molly is going to call Nicole, Heather Rae and I tomorrow and say “Hey lovelies, you’re my permanent quarterlife crisis bloggers!” Of course I understand that it would be as if she were sentencing us to a lifetime of Quarterlife Crisis blogging – which is kind of a prison sentence. But a pretty prison, with flowers and pink sketchy stars and hand drawn hearts. But a prison, nevertheless.

6 months ago I was sleeping and spending my days away doing nothing of great joy. I couldn’t remember the last time that I was truly happy, let alone how to spend a day being good to myself. I was stuck in a dark tunnel, and though little bits of light would shine in, I was too busy shielding my eyes from it. I got too comfortable with the feeling of misery, and was satisfied with a mediocre day instead of chasing amazing days and experiences. I wrote it off as depression, but was relieved to find out that other women were in the same situation I was, and it wasn’t a life of misery sentence.

It was just a quarterlife crisis.

Halfway through (about 3 months ago) I hit my ultimate rock bottom and blogged here about it. I realized that in order for things to change, I had to make changes. Wanting things to change wasn’t enough. Getting e-mails from the Universe wasn’t enough. I had to show up to life in order to experience it. Life can’t be lived from underneath the covers, no matter how many numbered thread count they are.

You guys kind of know me by now, right? I’m sure I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again,  I don’t complete things. I have tons and tons of ideas, but absolutely no follow through. I’ve been trying to graduate school for 7 years now. I start tons of projects and never see them to completion. I end up working to a point that challenges me in a new way that I’m not prepared for, and I stop.

But this time for 6 months, 180 days, I created 26 blog posts. I stuck with it, I posted through the good times, and through the bad.  I can proudly say that even though my days aren’t filled with sunshine and happy things, I can see a bright light at the end of my tunnel.

I’ll be graduating in a little over 2 months, and going on to get my degree. I’ve cut red meat out of my diet and am working toward eliminating chicken. I moved from New Jersey to Philadelphia. I know what I want from life, and I know exactly what I need to do to get it. I’ve cultivated healthy habits and developed strong relationships.

…and I have all of you to thank.

To The Readers: Those of you who have read, commented, retweeted, liked facebook statuses, etc. THANK YOU. Whenever one of my posts would hit, I’d check religiously to see if anyone commented with their own experiences/feedback. This surely sent Molly’s stats off the charts with Philadelphia, PA hits.

To Heather and Nicole - You ladies are complete awesome-stars. I loved blogging with you lovely ladies and getting daily inspiration from you. I can only hope we stay in close touch, and I’ll be keeping up with you and your lives as often as humanly possible.

To Molly - I don’t do emotion, but you forced it out of me. Your Joy Equation encouraged me to really assess my current reality, and realize that things needed to change. I learned that I can do anything that I want to do, but I need to DO things in order to achieve things.  I’m the poster child for “I tried every program and nothing worked”, and you proved me wrong. Your faith, encouragement, and reassuring support got me through the toughest time of my life. I also don’t do XOXO’s, but XOXO, seriously.

To The Season 3 Bloggers: I’m so excited to be working so close with you guys. Your stories are super amazing, and I can’t wait to hear more about how your big lives unfold over the next 6 months. Enjoy the journey, and if you need anything, blog related or not, hit me up. Sometimes you just need that neutral ear to listen. I’m here, babes.

And with that, friends, I must be moving on. Although it’s comfortable here, sharing my experience with the QLC, it’s time for me to become an official Quarterlife Crisis Survivor and keep on surviving.

And in the words of one of my guilty pleasure movies, Grease:

“Is this the end?”
“Of course not, it’s only the beginning”

Instead of the traditional name and description image that I typically use at the end of my posts, and have for the last 6 months, I have a new, improved one with the applicable updates, courtesy of the wonderful, amazing, and talented Erin Workman. (She makes adorable things at her Etsy shop. She has adorable puppies. She also does some awesome graphic and web design.)


[Note from the Editor:  Katie, Katie, Katie.  Seriously, where do I even start?  You have been an AMAZING voice here.   You have been an AMAZING fan of Stratejoy.   You are simply AMAZING, Katiepants.  I don't know if I've ever told you this- but I get plenty of emails that start with, "I totally relate to Katie.  I'm so glad you featured someone just like me..."  Your honesty, your sass, your ability to pay attention to why you do what you do and then share it with us is pretty incredible.   Those big dreams of yours, honey?  They're so yours.  Not a doubt in my mind.

Thank you with every ounce of my being for sharing your story..  I am so thankful I got the chance to spend so much time with you in DC (hugging you every other minute!) and can't wait until our next rendezvous.  And I'm freakin' jazzed you're staying on to help with Season 3.  The girls couldn't have a better big sister.   Big smooshy xxxx's and oooo's,  Molly]

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Quarterlife Crisis Anyone?

posted 1st March 2010    Written by: Katie    CATEGORY: All Posts, Inspiration, Katie, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 2, What I've Learned

I’m the exception to every rule.

No, I’m serious. Every. Single. Rule.

As women, we are expected to be emotional, prepared, successful, happy creatures who know exactly what we want and how to get it. I don’t know who created these expectations, but I want them shot, or at least put through a super-scientific experiment where we inject their lives with the Quarterlife Crisis.

When I heard about Stratejoy, I was, I’d say, 430% skeptical. I had bought every self help book there is to buy from every bookstore on the east coast. I spent countless hours sitting in my room, reading through books that tried to tell me how to get out of the slump that I was in based on other people’s experiences.

I don’t know if it’s me, but relating to others who have nothing in common with me just doesn’t work.

Before I committed to doing the Stratejoy Joy Equation program, and long before I applied to be a guest blogger, I decided to look into it a little bit more. I wanted to find the loophole where it said that the program was not for me. Maybe it was just for professional women;  Or married women;  Or women who knew what they wanted; None of which described me at all.

So… I read a few of the blog posts by Molly and her group of  Season One bloggers.

At one point, I had to get up and walk away from my computer.  Who were these women? How did they know exactly how I was feeling? You mean, I’m not a freak of nature? It was in that moment that I was sold on the idea of giving the program a try. If nothing else, to prove Molly wrong. To prove that there was someone out there that this program wouldn’t work for.

It might sound like I was being a bit negative – and I was.

When you go through a bunch of disappointments in life,  you learn not to expect too much from anyone or anything. I didn’t want to expect a life changing experience from Stratejoy, not get it, and be eternally depressed that I am truly a freak of nature who can’t be helped.

But I did it.

Within 3 hours, I had my first e-mail from Molly. A welcoming ‘hello’ and the very first writing assignment. I buzzed right through it, and waiting patiently for the next day. It was one of the first few assignments that knocked me out of the water and changed the way I looked at things forever. I was asked to recall the last time I was truly happy, and to describe how I felt.

Easy, right? For most people, sure. But not for me, not the exception to the rule. I realized after 30 minutes of steady thought cramming that I wasn’t able to remember when I was happy. Or how I felt when I was happy. Or anything with the word happy in it. Except Happy Gilmore. Awesome movie.

It was in that moment that I made the realization that I don’t pay enough attention to the moments in which I’m happy, and I focus a lot on the negative. This was a powerful thing for me to realize, and since that revelation, I’ve focused a lot more on living in the moment and being totally open to all of my emotions, especially happiness.

And that realization came on the third or fourth day. I still had 20+ days to go.

The Stratejoy program was a month filled with laughter, tears, life decisions, and mending. All of my life questions weren’t answered at the end of the program, but I do feel like I know what I want next, and how I need to go about doing it.  I had made a new friend in Molly, who when she called me for our “Jam Session”, was easier to talk to than I had ever imagined.

The other day I was talking with a friend and we got to the game of “20 Questions”. He asked me what person inspired me most in 2010. I answered a proud, “Molly Hoyne. Because her Joy Equation helped me find myself underneath the years of pain, frustration, and fear. I now wake up and am excited to spend the day with myself. That says a lot for someone who hated her skin for years.”

He replied; “So really, your most inspiring person is yourself.”

Touche, Friend. Touche.

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Meet the Team Behind Joyful Living

posted 11th May 2009    Written by: Molly Mahar    CATEGORY: All Posts, Molly, Stratejoy the Biz

School’s almost out for the summer!  For most university women that means a break from classes, a summer job or two & perhaps kicking back with old pals.  For three special ladies- it means a Stratejoy Internship!  These spunky powerhouses are going to be the marketing brains & brawn behind a bunch of exciting projects over the next few months…

Stay tuned.  There are amazing new advances in building our community of gutsy women living authentically joyous lives coming soon.  We’re wiggling with excitement over here as we work on a Lifestyle Design Video Course, a “Gutsy Girl’s Guide to Success” workshop aimed specifically at college girls & a national speaking tour!  (Okay, okay- the speaking tour is still on the wish list!)

Without further ado…. I’d like to introduce the bevy of beauties below!

Summer 2009 Street Team

KRISTY HOGUE, UW

1.  What is your definition of joy?
Joy is enjoying the things in life that take advantage of the best of who you are, challenge you, and keep you engaged, passionate, and motivated.

2.  What’s one thing you’ve always wanted to learn?
I’ve always wanted to learn how to become a better photographer. I took one photography class some years back and want to explore the medium more.

3.  What ice cream topping is most like you?
Dark chocolate fudge sauce because it’s a unique twist on a traditional favorite and while it may be a striking change at first, it grows on people. Dark chocolate also rides the line between “indie” and “trendy,” while always remaining slightly sophisticated.

4. What’s the scariest thing you’ve ever done?
Paragliding! My stomach was in my throat the seconds before I took off last summer in Switzerland, but once I was soaring above the Alps I realized that not only was I safe, but that it was the most amazing, beautiful thing I’d ever experienced!

5. What do you crave?
Intellectual and artistic creativity. I love stumbling on people who have new ways to think about things — whether it’s through a piece of writing, a painting or craft, or a new theory. Creativity always leads to the most interesting, stimulating conversations.

LAUREN SHILDMYER, UW

1.  What is your definition of joy?
I believe that real joy manifests when you know what you’re doing, love what you’re doing, and believe in what you’re doing.

2. What’s one thing you’ve always wanted to learn?

I would love to travel to India and study in an Ashram.

3.  What ice cream topping is most like you?

Strawberries! Because I am loyal, honest, and trustworthy.  Strawberries, as a mix-in, will never let you down!

4. What’s the scariest thing you’ve ever done?
White water rafting in Costa Rica (Class 4). My raft tipped half way down a considerable drop and my tail bone made friends with one too many rocks!
5. What do you crave?
I crave buffalo wings! Too often!

NATALIE CERDA, SEATTLE U

1.  What is your definition of joy?

Joy is the feeling you get when your mood can do nothing but lift up.  It starts with a smile and leads to a sense of confidence in yourself.
2. What’s one thing you’ve always wanted to learn?

Communication, to better understand the world & the people around me, to be able to build a dialogue and help them learn about themselves and perhaps better understand myself.

3.  What ice cream topping is most like you?

Colorful gumballs… Even though there are a variety of colors, each individual one has its own unique flavor that is loved. Together they are a party, but separately each retains the ability to stand out.

4. What’s the scariest thing you’ve ever done?

Standing in front of someone I love and care about most and telling them the truth.

5. What do you crave?
I crave being active in life.  I like to stay busy doing something, even if it’s just kickin’ back and watching movies or hanging out with those I care about.

What the heck are you going to do, Molly?

I knew you were going to ask…  Don’t worry!  Even with this rockin’ team at the helm, I still have plenty to do.  I am creating content to bring you brand new Joy 101 classes, refining the Lifestyle Design Workshop so you learn the most powerful clairity exercises & goal setting processes,  and concentrating on booking speaking gigs so I can spread the Authentic Happiness movement near & far. Plus running a small biz, networking, researching, going to workshops myself, writing blogs, reading, connecting with you on Twitter & Facebook, leading Club ReFresh and doing my own personal work on living an authentically joyous existence.

And because I also knew you were going to ask…  Here’s my answers!

MOLLY HOYNE, THE WORLD

1.  What is your definition of joy?

Joy is knowing what you want your life to stand for & having the ability to express it every day.  It’s being connected to your authentic self & understanding that you create your own happiness. Joyful living is the lighthearted journey towards acceptance, goodness & fulfillment.
2. What’s one thing you’ve always wanted to learn?

One thing?  How about 100 things?  At the moment, relearning to play the piano (rock/pop singalong songs only) & speaking passable Spanish are at the top of my list.

3.  What ice cream topping is most like you?

Let’s go with chocolate covered pretzels.  Classic, but with a twist.  They seem sweet & mild on the outside, but inside they’re a little salty, with real substance to them.

4. What’s the scariest thing you’ve ever done?

Starting my own business was/is scary because I’m sharing my passion with the world, the ideas & opinions that really mean something to me.  It’s also the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done.

5. What do you crave?
I crave rejuvenation in nature, fresh mangoes, brand new markers, back of the neck kisses & connecting with other curious people.

So…. What are your answers to the five questions we’ve answered?  Share below or post on your own blog & leave the link for us to explore!

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