Archive

It Doesn’t Even Have To Be A Huge Stack of Money

posted 7th September 2011    Written by: Laurenne    CATEGORY: All Posts, Laurenne, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 5

INTRODUCING: LAURENNE

“Each day, I wonder when my six-year Quarter Life Crisis will end.”

The old QLC tapped me on the shoulder the day I started my dream job at 25. From my very own cubicle, I was to write witty TV commercials and make people laugh. Ever since acting out ads for every item in our bathroom as a kid, it’s what I’d always wanted to do. I spent four years in undergrad and then an extra two years spending LOTS of borrowed money at an artsy school just to break into the ad field.

But just a few days into the dream job, I felt something was wrong. I’m a vegetarian, and they wanted me to make up reasons why people just HAD to try a new fast food burger. I was lying, and I felt like a smarmy saleswoman making people feel like they *should* like a certain brand or *should* feel a certain way. What did I know? I couldn’t afford a car, couldn’t pay my student loans on time, and had a bad case of adult acne. Who was I to tell anyone what they *should* do? Plus it wasn’t the healthiest environment. The boss expected sixteen-hour days and would throw our scripts across the room if he didn’t like them. I felt it was in the best interest of my self-esteem that I change careers.

After five years wondering how I could take the leap away from my ad job, I had enough money saved to go traveling. I didn’t know why I wanted to travel, but I felt like seeing the world would help me figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I started in Australia and took myself around the world for all of 2009. I stayed in huts in Papua New Guinea. I ate spices in India. I didn’t touch alcohol. I studied Buddhism. I made a million friends from all over. I listened to all my thoughts. And I figured out what I wanted to do with my life: write.

I was already writing commercials, but as I wrote about my travels on my blog, Humans are Funny, I realized I much preferred writing about meaningful things. My goal was to tell the world about the world. I came home itching to make every American interested in  Cambodia and world politics and culture. I figured I’d try to get a job writing for NPR.

But as I listened to my thoughts even more, I realized I had a bigger story to tell. My father committed suicide when I was sixteen, and I spent that traveling year really finding peace with it. Why not write about things that would help other people find that same peace? Okay, not everyone had a suicidal dad, but surely most people are wrestling with something that could use some detachment or love.  I’d much rather write about my journey than write copy about burgers or cars.

I spent 2010 working on ads until I’d saved enough money to take 2011 off and become a writer! With computer in hand, I’ve been taking the cafe circuit by storm. I’ve pitched my stories to every magazine in existence. I’ve taken dialog workshops and ‘finding your inner voice’ workshops and freelance writing seminars. I have enough logo folders now for the rest of my life and yours. I’ve spent every other waking moment writing a book about my father and how I learned how to choose a different path than his. I started Taboo Tales, a comedy storytelling show in LA that encourages writers to talk about things they wouldn’t usually want to admit to anybody. I’ve woken up every morning this year so grateful I’m doing what I truly want to do with my life.

But I still have no job. No offers. Lots of people are telling me I’m on the right track. But none of those people have stacks of money in their hands. I don’t even want a huge stack of money. I just want to pay my rent sometimes.

I’m beginning to feel more homeless than freelance.

Not only that, my ego, Lawrence, is pissed and defensive. He thought we would be famous writers by now, flying off to Cannes and cashing in advance checks for the millions of projects that would be lined up.

Mostly, I’m still just spinning out hope at cafes. And as my savings account has dwindled, I’m forced to go with a regular coffee instead of a cappuccino. THE HORROR.

Worst of all, I’ve made this non-existent career such a priority that I’ve pushed everything else away.

2009 – traveling

2010- working like crazy to save

2011 – working like crazy to start over

My relationships have suffered. I haven’t looked up from my screen long enough to pay attention to the people who really count. I’d like to take more of an interest in my wonderful, beautiful friends. I’d like to wear heels and go on dates. I’d like to figure out how to be able to do all that and still learn how to earn a living doing what I absolutely love. I’d like to find balance.

Is it crisis? Yes, I would call it a definite crisis. Is it a quarter life? Sure. I’m 31, so that would mean I’ll live until 124. Yes! I like that. That gives me plenty of time to figure out how to pay my rent.


[photo credit: Roy Dunn]

divider

How to Make Friends in New Situations

posted 16th October 2010    Written by: Renee    CATEGORY: All Posts, Life Lesson, Renee, Season 3, What I've Learned

I have quite a bit of experience making new friends in new situations. I’ve changed jobs quite a few times. I’ve moved a few times. And I thrive on chit-chat and learning about people. I want to feel included, to feel liked, and to enjoy the casual company of others. It can be a daunting task, figuring out how to make friends, especially if you’re the new girl. I can remember staying up the night before my graduate orientation, terrified that I’d be lonely, that I wouldn’t fit in, that I wouldn’t relate, that I would make zero friends, and convinced the next two years of my Masters program would be akin to solitary confinement. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Since beginning my graduate program, I’ve surrounded myself with brilliant, beautiful, inspiring, gutsy people from all different walks of life. I never expected it but the friends I’ve made so far have given me a pleasant surprise.

So, having been the awkward girl who now happens to have a pretty solid group of grad school colleagues, I thought I’d share some of the things I’ve learned from this specific experience. I’ve identified some of the key components that take the edge off of how to make new friends. These are the things I needed to convey and the things that I look for in friends.

Warmth — Have you ever met those people who don’t look you in the eye, who don’t smile, who seem uptight and stiff? If you’re not willing to shine, or even glimmer, would you expect anyone to make the effort to warm up to you? Probably not. Always be warm, be your radiant, amazing self to everyone you meet. I’ve found that when you are warm to others, you’ll receive warmth in return. A smile or encouraging remark can lift anyone’s spirit.

Honesty — Exhibit an honest, authentic representation of yourself. Put your crazy out there. If your religion or politics or opinions on something are incredibly important to you, why not wear that on your sleeve? When I meet someone new and if I develop a friend crush on them, chances are I’m going to lay it all out there. This is me, this is who I am, this is what drives me, and if you can accept that, I will accept your crazy. It evens out the playing field and encourages authentic relationships.

Humor — I use humor as an icebreaker. This works mostly because I make jokes when I’m nervous. Being socially awkward, I’m nervous any time I’m forced in a situation that involves New People. So I bust out my inner Tina Fey. Similarly, I’m drawn to people who make me laugh; people who use silly voice, who gesticulate wildly, who can deliver a story with such enthusiasm that it feels like we experienced it together. These are magnetic people and I strive to be on the same playing field.

Listening — Something I learned the hard way: You can’t expect someone to listen to you babble on about your wacky dream last night or your frustrations with a classmate unless you do the same for them. Active listening takes work. Don’t look at the computer screen while you’re listening, don’t pick at your nails, don’t interrupt. Friendship is a give and take. Be listened to and listen. (This is advice for myself, mostly, as I can be super bad at this!)

Sharing — Share stories.  Share office supplies.  Share brownies.  Sharing your resources is one of the best ways I’ve found to make a compassionate connection and new friends. Food is probably the most well-recepted, especially if you’re a great baker. The people flock to muffins… if you bake it, they will come.

So there you have it, the five things to keep in mind when entering new territory and yearning for friends. I still struggle with it. I still think to myself some days, “Okay. Don’t speak up about such-and-such again because you’re starting to sound annoying.” But that’s all part of the learning process. I’ve discovered if you’re honest with yourself, you’ll develop honest friendships. And that’s a beautiful thing.

{photo: Erica Marshall of muddyboots.org}

divider

Defining My Values

posted 21st August 2010    Written by: Renee    CATEGORY: Inspiration, Renee, Season 3, Spirituality

I completed the Joy Equation in February 2010.  As part of Week One, I was instructed to identify my eight core values. This was new territory for me.  My values?  No one has ever asked about my values. The only time I ever hear the word “values” is when the religious right shouts about “family values” which is really just a band-aid for bigotry. I had to warm up to the word. What are my values?

At first, with my Catholic background, I thought about the Beatitudes, from Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount.

Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are the meek: for they shall possess the land.
Blessed are they who mourn: for they shall be comforted.
Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after justice: for they shall have their fill.
Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.
Blessed are the clean of heart: for they shall see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.
Blessed are they that suffer persecution for justice’s shake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
(Matthew 5:3-10)

Peace? Yeah, okay, that sounds good. Justice? Sure. Merciful? Acceptable. Poor in spirit? Meek? Mourning? I get it, but those aren’t my values. I don’t want to lie down at the end of each day and ask myself, “Renee, were you poor in spirit today?” It doesn’t seem motivating.

I had to dig deeper. My Catholicism still clenched me in its grasp. I thought about the seven spiritual works of mercy.

1. Instruct the ignorant.
2. Counsel the doubtful.
3. Admonish sinners.
4. Bear wrongs patiently.
5. Forgive offenses willingly.
6. Comfort the afflicted.
7. Pray for the living and the dead.

Ah! Here we go. Teach. Counsel. Console. Forgiveness. Compassion. Patience. Peace. We’re getting closer. Thanks, St. Thomas of Aquinas, for teaching me about mercy.

The Joy Equation states, “Our core values are the habits of our heart.” What makes my heart cry out? What moves me to action? What would I fight to for the right to enjoy and experience?

I narrowed down a long, long list with notes in the margins reminding myself “not what I should choose, rather what resonates with me.” Finally, I came up with eight. And then I defined them.

Honesty – Being honest with myself and others, telling the truth, saying what I mean, and always having good, open communication.

Peace – Being at peace with myself, things in my life that I can’t change, and cutting back on the arguing to focus on the greater good. “Good enough is good enough.” –Jane Fonda

Love – Keeping love in my heart and showing it at all times, making everyone feel special and worth of my time. Radiate Love.

Patience – Knowing what matters enough to stress me out and what’s not worth my worries. Keeping my temper in check. Taking deep breaths and going slowly. Keep calm and carry on.

Joy/Humor – Smiling and laughing more than frowning and crying. Finding humor in unfavorable situations. Being able to laugh at myself. Enjoying the company of others. Finding my fun.

Compassion – Knowing when others need my help, a second chance, or a compromise. Putting myself in others’ shoes. Being flexible to accommodate the needs of others when they need it most.

Passion – Recognizing the drive I need to go after what I want. Taking life by the horns. Fearlessly pursuing the things I love. Making time to do things for me.

Authenticity – Knowing what’s best when I need it most. Staying true to myself. Putting my needs first. Taking time to fix #1. Not compromising my values. Doing what I need to do. Not being fake. Giving 100% all the time but knowing what 100% is.

When you wrap up my values and put a pretty bow on them, you can see the Beatitudes and spiritual works of mercy trickling through them… but you can also see my liberal arts education and my ferocious feminism. I can tell where I’m trying to reel in my Type A, Arian personality, trying to cool off my fire sign. I can tell where I’m trying to open my heart just a little more, to soften my rough edges and let a little more light in.

There’s something empowering about naming your values and doing your best to adhere to them, something very tenacious and gritty that I love.  It makes for one hell of a personal journey.

divider