Archive

Letting Go of Control and Expectations

posted 9th June 2010    Written by: Heather Rae    CATEGORY: Heather Rae, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 2

I’m going through something these days.  There’s something inside of me that wants to burst out and be free.  I keep getting these urges to do something crazy and step outside of my comfort zone – as if some part of my being has been stifled all these years and is finally ready to show itself.

I’m not sure what’s going on. Or why I feel the need to do things that are so out of character.  I find myself craving adventure and the unknown – I want to jump out of airplanes despite my fear of both flying and heights, go skinny dipping, have wild sex, go hang gliding and quit my job (oh wait, I already did that).

All of my life, I’ve been a control freak.  I’ve done everything just so and have fully expected said things to turn out exactly as I planned. Why?  Because I needed them to.

The truth is, I put a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect – a perfect student, a perfect employee, a perfect friend, a perfect fiancé, a perfect daughter.  Only now have I stopped to ask myself where this pressure came from.  Who was it that first told me I couldn’t make mistakes?  And, for that matter, is there such a thing as perfection?  What I described sounds more like a Stepford Wife than a real person.

As you might expect, life hasn’t met my expectation of perfection.  Sometimes things have worked out the way I envisioned.  But the opposite has generally been truer – things have worked out in completely different ways than I anticipated.  And in these situations, I often ended up feeling lost or out of control.  I know it may seem odd, but I’ve just now realized that being in control of everything isn’t even close to possible.

And this ridiculous need to control every outcome has had a way of making life rather difficult.  So, for some reason, I’ve found myself moving in the exact opposite direction.  I’m taking chances and calculating risks and putting myself in situations that I don’t know how to navigate. I actually want to make mistakes and just see what happens.  Loss of control is a weird feeling.  At times, I’ve even found myself trying to control my loss of control.  Now that sounds ridiculous.

I guess right now I’m just working to let go of expectations.  And one way of doing that has been to let go of my need to be in control.

When a person wants to control every aspect of life, they often end up feeling the need to do everything themselves, as counting on other people for that level of perfection is almost impossible.  I’ve decided I don’t want to be so independent anymore.  I want to learn to lean on people, to ask for help and count on friends for support.  I want to cry on someone’s shoulder and feel okay about it.  I want to be completely open for other people to see.  I hope one day I’ll figure out how to do that — without hiding behind a smile and vague niceties.

Wow.  I feel like what I’ve just described sounds more like a midlife crisis than a quarter life crisis. It’s the type of thing you see all the time when a middle aged man hooks up with a twenty year old, buys a Porsche and goes bungee jumping.  In an odd way, it’s kind of comforting — to know I’m not alone in this confusion.  Does that sound absolutely crazy?

I don’t know.  What I do know is that in reality I have so few answers and so many questions.  And maybe life isn’t about seeking answers.  Maybe it’s just about experiences.  And growing.  And learning.  And finding ways to accept yourself for exactly who you are.

photo credit: her wings

divider

Lemon Cake Lessons (Or, Letting Go of Perfection)

posted 12th May 2010    Written by: Heather Rae    CATEGORY: Heather Rae, Season 2

While writing this post, I simultaneously baked a cake for the dinner I’m attending tonight and brainstormed ideas for the end of my book.  Seriously, the last few weeks have been busy.

Here’s the good news – the first draft of my book should be done this week!  I’m super excited about this.  It will be two weeks later than I originally planned, but I’m still happy with my progress.  I pushed my deadline back only because I took two week long trips that I hadn’t previously expected (one to Seattle and one to Las Vegas).  Both trips were a blast and definitely worth the setback.

The less good news is – I’m having a bit of a cake disaster.

You see, the cake I baked is a two layer lemon cake with a lemon filling and whipped cream frosting.  It’s a pretty awesome recipe if I must say so myself (and I must).  So I baked the cake in two separate round tins.  After taking the cakes from the oven, I waited the obligatory ten minutes, giving them time to cool before flipping the pans and transferring each layer to a plate.

After ten minutes, the pans felt a bit warm.  But I decided to move forward with the flipping and transferring (after all, the recipe said I could).  That probably wasn’t the best idea.  The first layer came out easily, and I placed it onto a plate.  The second layer didn’t go quite as well.  Actually, the second layer didn’t go well at all.  I flipped over the pan, and the center fell out.  Yep, that’s right.  The center of the cake actually fell out of the pan and onto the plate.  The surrounding cake was left stuck in the pan.

And do you think it fell out in one large piece, making it easy to patch the cake back together, frost it and pretend this debacle never happened?  Nope.  It fell out and broke into about fifty pieces.

Here’s the thing.  I tend to be a complete perfectionist.  I don’t like making mistakes, and I really don’t like making mistakes when the result of said mistakes will be seen by other people. Like with this cake.  If I were simply making it for me and Steven, I would be disappointed.  But then I would patch it up the best I could and move on.

The problem is I didn’t just make the cake for me and Steven.  I made it for a dinner party (a mother’s day dinner party at that).  Because of this, my normal reaction would be to freak out.  I would declare the cake a disaster, go to the grocery store and buy something already made.  I would pretend I never made the lemon cake and show up at the door with a completely different (and perfect) cake.

I’m trying really hard not to have my normal reaction to this cake disaster.  The last few months I’ve been trying to look at life in a different way.  I’ve been attempting to be more forgiving of my mistakes.

I’m not perfect.  I make mistakes, as does everyone.

How I became obsessed with perfection is a bit of a mystery to me. Was there a certain moment in my life that branded me a perfectionist?  Probably not.  At least, not that I remember.  What I do know is that in every day life, perfection can be a hindrance.  In my experience, it often gets in the way of completion.

I would like to be the type of person that works hard at the things I do, gives it my best shot and is content with whatever the outcome of that hard work may be (whether it be perfection or something else).  Now, this statement is a lot easier said than done.  If you’re anything like me and have spend the majority of your life attempting to be perfect, you probably agree that letting go of that ideal is difficult, at best.

I take small steps each day to move my life in a positive direction, to let go of the need to be perfect and accept what is.  That’s the commitment I’ve made to myself.  It’s not always easy, but it’s worth it (at least, my sanity thinks so).

As for today, I think I’ll just fix that cake up the best I can, make it look pretty and take it to the dinner.  The good thing is the flavor is really quite yummy.

And that’s what’s important when you’re eating cake, isn’t it?  In which case, that’s good enough for me.

divider

Letting Go is the Goal

posted 5th January 2010    Written by: Kendra    CATEGORY: All Posts, Kendra, Life Lesson, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 1

For months now only one thought has propelled me forward: 2010.

I have wanted to put the general crappiness of 2009 in my rearview mirror since at least August.

Consequently, I’ve spent a lot of December preparing for the tweenies aka 2010.

I went through box after box of my stuff in storage and weeded out the things I no longer needed, culling from an ever dwindling amount of stuff.

I gave books and clothes to charity, stepped up my meditation practice, took several cleansing bath, enacted a solstice ritual, went belly dancing (whoops that was just for fun), saw a reiki healer (an interesting experience), and even dabbled with the thought of returning to my Catholic roots and going to confession.

Except I couldn’t figure out what to confess, `cause yep I’m just that angelic.

And now, just a handful of days into 2010 guess what? Nothing’s changed. I’ve manifested no miracles. I’m still at the same temp job, still putting in hours of ‘I thought I’d outgrown this’ retail work, still coasting on my parents couch and feeling the deep sting of disappointment that comes from yet  another round of employment rejection.

So, for 2010 I’ve made loads of private resolutions, but the one I’m willingly to publicly state is that my goal of for 2010 is to let go.

Let go of what?

Of everything. Of the person that I used to be and the person that I’d thought I’d become, of the job that I thought I’d have, of the way I believed I’d be living, of the people that I thought I’d be sharing my life with.

Because none of that is where I am right now and focusing on that, on what I wanted instead of what I have, is just making me feel worse.

So instead, I’m just going to get very still and very quiet and let life unfurl itself before me. It’s going to do so regardless.

photo credit

divider

How to Be Free: A Beginner’s Guide

posted 26th October 2009    Written by: Molly Hoyne    CATEGORY: All Posts, Inspiration, Molly, What I've Learned

be free molly b hoyne 2009 CR

Letting go of expectations is hard.  Giving up some of the control we  exert over every part of our life takes practice.  It’s a exercise in freedom.  In flying wild.  In accepting surprises and quirks and amazing gifts that land in our laps.

So how do you be free? I’m no expert.  But believe me when I say I’m practicing letting go every single day.

How to Be Free: A Beginner’s Guide.

1. Let go of expectations regarding success.

Forgive yourself if you suck at letting go of expectations.  Try again.  And again. Ponder and journal and over analyze the orgins of your expectations.  Who first told you that you had to go to college and get a job and make a lot of money to be successful?

Let go of figuring out who first told you that you had to go to college and get a job and make a lot of money to be successful.   Instead, spend your time thinking about how you want to be successful.

Ask yourself questions about what you want to contribute to the world. Questions about what you have to share.  Questions about how you want to show up each and every day.

Realize that you loved going to college. Make a gesture of gratitude for whoever told you to go to college.  Let go of the expectation that going to college equaled success.  Understand that it was part of your journey, but just the first little itty bitty part.

Realize that maybe, someday, you would like to go back to school.  But it will be because you want to, not because you should.

Realize that you really liked some parts of your assorted jobs that you were “supposed” to get. Accept that you’ll probably never want to go back to a “job.”  Say a quick memorial for 401ks and employer covered health insurance and meetings spent doodling on your steno pad.

Let go of the general consensus that not having a “real job” makes you a bit odd.  Realize that for you, success doesn’t mean playing it safe and having a “real job”.  Savor the fact that you understand yourself so well. Even when it’s hard, you know what’s right for you.

Let go of everyone’s expectations towards success, except your own.  Once you’ve figured out your version, jump in!  You are free! Don’t forget you can towel off and start over if need be.  It’s all part of the journey.

2. Let go of expectations regarding beauty.

Take a long look at yourself in the mirror.  Accept all your beauty.  Accept all your perceived flaws.  Try really hard to remember that they are not flaws.  They are you.  And you are beautiful.

Forgive yourself if it’s really hard to let go of your learned expectations of beauty.  We’re surrounded by fashion magazines and TV shows and commercials full of society’s definition of beauty.  Resolve to stop buying the magazines and watching the shows if they make you feel less worthy.

Stop looking in the mirror for as long as you can.  You’re still there.  Whole, contributing, dancing, showing up, leaning in.  Resist the urge to look “just in case”.  Practice feeling beautiful, strong, present without relying on on confirmation from the mirror.

Realize that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  Realize that the only beholder you have control over is you.

Practicing saying, “I am beautiful”.  Practicing believing, “I am beautiful”.

Understand there is so much more to beauty than the size of your jeans, the length of your lashes, the cool factor of your style.  Let go of unrealistic expectations combed from media, your mother’s neurosis, your girlfriends better whatever, your own striving towards perfection. Let go of striving.  Live.  Love.  Accept.  Relax.

Realize this is hard.  Practice for your daughter’s sake.  Understand that accepting your own beauty means you are free.

3.  Let go of expectations regarding happiness.

Catch yourself every time you play the if, then game.  If I get this promotion, then I’ll be happy.  If he asks me to marry him, then I’ll be happy.   If she @’s me on Twitter, then I’ll be happy.  Realize this is a trick you play on yourself. An evil, disappointing, unrealistic trick.

Happiness is an inside job. Happiness is not nearly as dependent on outside factors as our expectations have led us to believe.

Shower yourself in love.  In acceptance.  In understanding that quirks and passions and taking an active role in your own life is what brings about joy.  Let go of what others say “should” make you happy.  Practice understanding what tickles you, makes you smile, gives you the sense of being gloriously alive.  Hot? Cold?  Only you know.

Realize that you are happy painting your days away in your pajamas.  Realize that you are happy on a walk in the autumn leaves.  Realize that you are happy winking at the gas station man.  Understand that it’s okay to be happy.

Allow yourself to wake up happy every morning, regardless of the situation, instead of waking up stressed out and anxious about the day ahead of you.  Practice this until it feels normal.

Start doing the things that make you happy more often.  Let go of the expectation that this means you are selfish, flighty or wasting time.  Stop doing so many of the things that make you unhappy. Understand that it feels odd.

Share your new outlook with others.  Be okay with the fact that many of them will say they “can’t” stop doing the things that make them unhappy.  Hope that someday they’ll realize that they can.

Accept that by taking control over your own happiness, you have set yourself free.

divider