Archive

Ending a Relationship: Lessons Learned and Things Remembered

posted 18th September 2011    Written by: Kat    CATEGORY: All Posts, Kat, Love/Relationships, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 5, What I've Learned

The relationship that I ended last summer left me in a fragile state. It had been unhealthy for me for a long time; when I look back at things honestly, there were warning signs that I ignored from the very beginning. Because I’d spent a lot of that relationship quashing my dreams and trying to make myself something that he would love, I hadn’t noticed how it was destroying my self-esteem little by little. By the time he delivered some soul-crushing blows during our breakup—I think it’s the only time anyone’s ever called me boring and no fun, and those were far from the worst of it—I believed some of the awful things he said about me.

It probably goes without saying that I wasn’t doing particularly well last August. I recall telling friends that I wasn’t sure how I got out of bed every day, that I did it because it seemed like the only thing to do. I feel pretty confident stating that it was the worst month of my (then) 29 years. I’d realized that I needed to end the relationship, I’d told him to move out, and after that, I had no idea how to pick up the pieces of my life. I wasn’t sure who I was and how to feel like that person again.

Right around that time, I saw someone post on twitter about The Joy Equation, so I thought I’d give it a try. I wanted a way to start connecting with myself again. I think the most telling thing for me was completing the section about my values; it finally clicked that I hadn’t been happy for so long because the life I’d been leading for the previous two years wasn’t in line with any of my values. No wonder I’d been feeling so awful, frustrated, and angry! I stayed in a relationship at first because I hadn’t wanted to be alone, and later because I’d been so torn down by my ex that I didn’t have the confidence to leave. How could that possibly have made me feel anything other than terrible?

I’d love to say that things magically transformed then. Though they didn’t, I slowly began to heal. Things started feeling normal again; I did some traveling. By December, I was ready to make a decision that would dramatically change my life for the better: I enrolled in a 200-hour yoga teacher training.

It’s funny, because I think a lot of people expect yoga teacher training to be about learning to teach yoga. It is, of course, but there’s so much more than that. The teaching part is easier: you need to know the poses, how to adjustment them, and how to sequence them. The biggest—and hardest—part is knowing yourself. How can you hold space for others in a class if you aren’t taking care of you? I had to face some of the scary things that I’d been hiding deep within me for months and even years. There were nights when we’d be practicing together and suddenly, I couldn’t stop crying. I had to learn to let go.

Halfway through teacher training, someone I knew commented that it seemed like I was discovering a lot of things about myself. I replied that I wasn’t finding them—I was remembering. That’s the moment that things started coming together for me; it all started to make sense, and I knew I was ready to make some big changes and work toward living in line with my values.

It’s hard to look back at the past year and see the things that I’ve learned, because I wish I hadn’t needed to conquer those lessons. I’m able to see a lot more clearly now how staying and justifying that relationship was unhealthy for me. I have a much better idea of what is important to me in a relationship; I’ll never again stand for someone who judges my tattoos, someone who wants to stop me from doing things that I love, or someone who wants to change integral parts of my personality. Perhaps most importantly, I’ve remembered how to be alone, and the good that can come of being present with myself.

And in case you’re wondering about those core values that were a wakeup call last summer, they are: connection, bliss, abundance, trust, adventure, courage, magic, and strength. I expect I’ll be exploring those a lot more in this space over the next five months. Though I’ve begun to realign my life to reflect what matters most to me, I’ve got more to learn—and remember.

[photo credit:  me!]

divider

Reclaiming a Broken Life

posted 1st April 2011    Written by: Katharine    CATEGORY: All Posts, Katharine, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 4, Travel/Adventure

How do you explain to a new friend how things like depression, cancer, and losing your parents, have shaped your life?  How do you tell them that one year ago you were on the verge of committing suicide because you believed that your life wasn’t worth living anymore?  How you do open yourself up to someone who has the potential of becoming a good friend when your past experiences have permanently scarred you and caused you to isolate yourself from the rest of the world?

When I moved to Prague, I wanted to do this with a clean slate.  I wanted to go into this experience with an open mind and accept whatever struggles and hardships I would face living as an Expat with a damaged life.  Diving into a TEFL program with 23 other students is overwhelming.  I’m spending 4 weeks with these people, and I want to build as many genuine friendships as I can, but I don’t know how to talk about my broken life without creating awkward conversations, pity, and sympathy.

Moving to a new country is challenging, but doing so with the intention of reclaiming your life is even more challenging.  How do you reclaim your life if you don’t know where to start?

I spent a good portion of my time in Philadelphia hiding behind walls because I was too terrified for anyone to know the real me.  It was easier for me to play along with the idea of seeing my parents for the holidays than actually admitting to friends and acquaintances that they are deceased.  It was – and still is – painful to think about them, and even talk about them in any context because most of my friends’ and acquaintances’ parents are still alive and have the luxury of seeing them.  Sometimes I’m torn to pieces just thinking about how much of my life has uncontrollably gone to shit.

I moved out of the country because I was afraid that my life wouldn’t amount to anything if I continued living in Philadelphia.  Truth is, I felt like I failed at life when I was living in the States.  So, I did what [maybe] most people would do – I ran away.  Only this time, I ran across bodies of water and into another continent.  Maybe it wasn’t the right answer, but it was the only answer and justification I could give myself. It was the only way I knew how to find myself again.  Except, when you move out of the country (or anywhere), your past still follows you.  I’m still damaged, grieving over losing my parents, and fighting personal demons.  I’m still struggling to find myself among a crowd of expats while learning to accept my broken past and still move forward every day without being crippled by those experiences.

I moved to Prague with the intention of starting with a clean slate, but when we make bold decisions like starting over, is the slate ever really clean to begin with?

{picture: taken in Prague}

divider

Learning the Hard Way

posted 18th March 2011    Written by: Katharine    CATEGORY: All Posts, Katharine, Life Lesson, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 4, Travel/Adventure, What I've Learned

There are two kinds of people – those who learn the hard way and those who learn the easy way by taking someone’s advice.  I learn the hard way.  I’ve always learned the hard way because frankly, I’m too stubborn to learn the easy way.  I mean, how fun would that really be anyway?  If you tell me not to do something, chances are, I’m going to do it just to try to prove you wrong.

I waited for the perfect moment.  To change careers, move out of Philadelphia, and travel the world.  I had every excuse in the book not to quit my job and move to California or Chicago.

I can’t quit without having another job lined up.

I can’t leave my friends and family behind.

I can’t…

I can’t…

I can’t…

I learned the hard way that in life, there are no perfect moments.

It took losing my job, failing at entrepreneurship, and fighting a Quarterlife Crisis for me to learn that the ‘perfect moment’ is right now.  If I ever wanted to travel around the world and pursue my passion of opening up my own Bed & Breakfast, it was time to stop making excuses and start taking action.  Dreams don’t become reality unless you get off your ass and do something about it.

By the time you read this, I will have landed at Ruzyne International Airport jet-lagged, tired, hungry, and overwhelmed.

The hardest part is over: getting on that plane to London, enduring a 4 hour layover at Heathrow International, and then boarding my plane to Prague.

I had to travel halfway around the world to learn to stop making excuses for myself.  I had to let go of a foundation I spent years building to learn to stop settling for what feels comfortable and work harder toward achieving authentic happiness.  I had to fail at running a nonprofit organization to learn how to be an effective leader and a successful entrepreneur.  I had to sacrifice certain friendships and relationships – and just hope they survive the distance – to learn how to put myself first.  I had to lose my parents to learn the importance of family.   I had to lose my well-paying, comfortable job to learn that I don’t want the 9-5 Corporate lifestyle.  I had to walk away from everything I knew and loved, at a time when maybe I should have fought harder, to learn how important this truth-seeking journey is going to be.

Truth be told, I cannot believe I did this.  I mean, who packs their bags and moves halfway around the world to a city yet to be seen and a career yet to be tested?  It’s crazy, right?  But as crazy as it is to venture into the unknown with my heart wide open and my arms flailing, it feels effing awesome.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m completely terrified right now, and you have no idea how many anxiety attacks I had as I boarded that plane to London, but there’s just something so… exhilarating… about a clean slate.  Especially when that clean slate takes place in a city where no one knows your name.  It’s like a second chance at life.  A fresh start.  A chance to do things right.

I learned the hard way that sometimes you have to let go of everything in order to reclaim your life.

{photo credit: chesterfan1230}

divider

Leaving the City of Broken Dreams

posted 18th February 2011    Written by: Katharine    CATEGORY: All Posts, Job/Career/Work, Katharine, Love/Relationships, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 4, Travel, Travel/Adventure, What I've Learned

I’ve been a roller coaster of emotions ever since I paid my deposit and booked my flight to Prague.  From excited, to terrified, to overwhelmed, to sad, back to excited.  I know these feeling are completely normal in situations like this, but I’m having a tough time embracing them.

This wasn’t an easy decision.  It doesn’t just affect me; it affects my brothers, my friends, my roommates, my nonprofit organization, and my hockey teammates.  People who depend on me to come home for Holidays, meet up for Sunday brunch, and show up to Tuesday night games.  It’s not easy to walk away from something you’ve worked so hard to create.

Today, I had my tipping point.  As I peeked out my bedroom window and watched people dig their cars out of the 15 inches of snow that fell over night (and realizing I’ll have to do the same at some point, too), I thought to myself, I am so done with this city.

This move here was only supposed to be temporary – two years, max.  I wanted to gain enough professional experience so I could move onto my next big city.  But as I continued to build on my foundation, the reasons for staying started piling up – relationships, friendships, jobs, hockey, convenience.  I thought if I stayed for my friendships, I could be happier.  Or if I stayed for a man, we could make a relationship work.  Or if I could just stay at my job a little bit longer, I would finally get that pay raise.  It’s been five years and those friendships have dissolved, the relationships didn’t work, and I never got a raise.  I’ve settled for mediocrity and found ways to fill the cracks of my damaged life with things like alcohol, toxic friendships, and lousy one-night stands.

I thought I was building a foundation.  Truth is, I was doing everything I could to destroy it.  Consuming an entire bottle of vodka on a Tuesday night to wash away the bad effects of the work day.  Meeting up with toxic friends gave me an excuse to go out on a Saturday night.  Leaving the bar with random men provided a temporary fix for my broken heart and my emotional void.  I didn’t care about the long-term effects those decisions would have; I wanted the instant gratification.

I knew everything caught up to me the moment I was laying on my bathroom floor, contemplating suicide.  That moment wasn’t just about not grieving for my parents, it was also about the fact that I was destroying my life.  With each empty bottle and one-night stand, I was on a destructive path that could have very well killed me.

2010 was a pivotal year.  I made the courageous decision to see a therapist and work through my pain of loneliness and depression because I didn’t want to continue throwing my life away.  I’m so much better than this. I ended a 15-year friendship with my best friend after realizing how toxic and damaging it was.  She’s not a bad person; she’s just a bad friend to me. I forgave a man who put me on an emotional roller coaster for three years because he couldn’t commit.  His intention wasn’t to hurt me. It was a year in which I discovered what it really means to work towards authentic happiness, to allow myself to become vulnerable to a man (and be okay with it), and to have satisfying friendships with women.

I’m beginning to discover what I’m worth, what I’m capable of, and what it will take for me to find my authentic happiness.

I’m ready to leave.  I’m ready to embark on a new journey and figure out what the hell I want to do with my life – now and in the long-term.  I’m finally at a point where the feelings of being terrified and overwhelmed are crushed by incredible excitement.  As I watch my friends get engaged, have children, and settle down, I can’t help but feel incredibly lucky for myself.  I get to travel the world and live life on my own terms.  I get to call the shots, to say ‘no,’ and to dictate my future.

I’m so done with this city and I may never come back.

{photo credit: Fordan}

divider

I am WonderWoman

posted 29th December 2010    Written by: Nikki    CATEGORY: Events, Inspiration, Job/Career/Work, Love/Relationships, Money, Nikki, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 3, What I've Learned

It’s about to be a new year, y’all, and I’m ready.  I have loved this last year, loved every frightening thrilling minute of it and I haven’t forgotten the lessons it taught me: trust, be patient, plans may change & get busted up & that’s ok.  But I feel a calmness & an energy that I haven’t felt in a long time; I know some of the major things I want in life, and I’m ready to take steps toward them.  Some may be missteps; I might fumble; I might fail.  I’m ok with that.  I’m taking action this year.

I am a superhero in 2011.  I am action-girl, Nikki of new ideas, make-it-happen-momma.

I am going to put myself out there & trust that good things come of it.  I am going to tell people what I want, even if I have no idea how to get it or what form it will take.  So here goes:  I want a creative job; it might be a career, it might just be a job, but I want to make money doing something I enjoy.  I want a serious relationship; it’s been a long time & I’m ready.  I want a home that feels like mine; it’ll be a while before I can own one, but I want a place that feels like my own.  I want financial stability; I want adventures and a savings account to be equal priorities.  These may sound like little things, but they’re big things to me.  After a long time wandering & wondering, I’m feeling clarity.

I feel like I’m on the cusp of an explosion of awesomeness in my life.  Bring it, baby.

I’ve already told you my intentions for 2011, now here are some of the seemingly-innocent-but-totally-superhero actions I’m gonna take:

I’m making it a habit to write every day.  POW!

I’m launching and developing my new, improved personal website, The Grateful Sparrow (follow me!).  ZOOM!

I’m paying off all my credit card debt by my 30th birthday (May).  BLAM!

I’m learning to edit video on my computer.  SMACK!

I’m honest in all my relationships and not letting fear of vulnerability get to me.  BOOM!

I’m finding a living situation that better suits me.  ZIP!

I’m saying yes to opportunities for new adventures that come my way.  CRUNCH!

I’m expressing my authentic self, everyday, and following my joy.  BAM!

I’m making a profit from my art & creativity – writing, acting, blogging, sculpture, design, etc.  ZAP!

I’m taking time for myself, treating myself with respect, but NOT accepting excuses.  I’m better than laziness & ambivalence.  CRASH!

I’m living to the full extent of my fabulousness this year, and I’m not letting fear get in my way; in 2011, I’m trying.  I’m giving myself a fighting chance.  It can’t be harder than what I’ve already been through, in fact, I know things are only getting better.  2011 is going to be amazing; a year from now, I’ll hardly be able to believe how far I’ve come.

Cheers to a new year.  Let’s do this.

[WonderWoman photo source]

divider

« Previous Page — Next Page »