Archive

Death By List

posted 14th October 2011    Written by: Kristen    CATEGORY: Kristen, Life Lesson, Love/Relationships, Season 5, What I've Learned

A few weeks ago I wrote of my desire to be a person who does things and goes after them. On purpose I didn’t make specific goals because I frequently bite off more than I can chew in life. I get super pumped and excited for opportunities and take on new things. Recently, it’s been freelance writing for various small academics pursuits, pro bono research for a small historical society, and of course, separating my life and getting my house in order. Added to my normal workload which is starting to ramp up more, and trying to kick start a social life, I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed and seeing why setting specific goals should have been my goal!
I hate to even say that I’m feeling overwhelmed because these are all awesome opportunities that I have been looking for and am so happy to be doing.  So it seems silly to complain about all the things going on in life. And of course, a lot of them, like the separation of stuff, are temporary (and it’s only stuff!).

I went on vacation to California to spend time with my aunt and get away for a bit. I came back so excited- I made a huge list of things to accomplish, tasks to complete, things to keep my eye on to buy on sale, etc. I was full of promise! I was going to plan meals every week! I was going to go throw all the items in the attic! Instead I came home from my first day back at work and took a two hour nap followed by watching junk on television.

Part of the problem is, I love lists. I used to plan out the hours of the day by where and what I would be doing. I knew it was getting to be an issue when I would write things like: 430-530: travel home from work. Like I had to remind myself that I would be driving in the car at that time!?! For a good while I stopped making lists altogether, allowing myself only a grocery list, which I justified as a money and sanity saving measure ( the one time I went sans list I came out with $80 worth of food except for the few things I actually really needed). With all the change happening in life right now, I re-instituted list making to try to appear organized and on top of life. But when I have a night when I don’t do anything after work but watch TV and eat leftovers, I feel myself feeling guilty, frustrated, and overwhelmed at sitting around and all the things I should be doing. Instead of just complaining about it, I should either just do something about it or own the fact that I decided to be lazy.

I’ve tried really hard to be less rigid and scheduled- it was really scary at first and I must admit that with moments of crazed frustration, all I want to do is make another long list from the all the small lists ( seriously can you see what a vicious cycle this is?). Doing a brain dump is often the best way for me to get over this, but at the same time, depending on my mindset, it can be counterproductive because random things like “look into cork floor for kitchen” end up on the list, which is silly since that’s a dream house item and has no place being on the same list as ‘‘pick up prescription.’ A brain dump is good to get the cobwebs out and try to find some clarity but I’m struggling to keep a handle on everything. I don’t know why I think I have to keep it all together. If there was ever a free pass in life to forget to do laundry or buy cleaning supplies, I think this would qualify under that life crisis column. But with so much disorder around me, I’m trying to create something that makes sense.

I would like to hope this soon will pass and as my new normal enters, I’ll be filled with clarity again, but I’m learning that I need to start saying no to some things. I was thinking for a while that having a busy social life and various things on my project list would provide me with the outlets I needed to get over the divorce, but since I’m still in the thick of it, I think I skipped about ten steps ahead and need to stop and focus on me. I know I need to relax, nest a bit on me, my house, and my life. So here is my specific goal for the next few months: I need to give myself a break- feeling guilty about not being productive on things like cleaning the bathroom is ridic because spending time on me to JUST BE is the most productive thing I can ever do.

[Photo Credit: My photo of the dizzying array of lists and plans]


 

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The Trick to Saving Your Own Life

posted 23rd November 2010    Written by: Molly Mahar    CATEGORY: Inspiration, Life Lesson, Molly

My business is dedicated to helping you figure out your definition of success. Why? Because getting really fucking clear on your definition of success is insanely useful. You know what and where to aim, and you can celebrate your own path instead of continually comparing yourself to someone else or getting sidetracked by the next shiny object.

Obviously, in my own life, I try my very hardest to practice what I preach.

I’m teaching action planning?  Then I’m implementing my own action plans.  I’m coaching about expanding your social circle to find the true friendships that you crave?  Then I’m doing it in my own life as well.   I’m writing about falling head over heels in love with yourself?  Then you better believe I’m blowing myself kisses and shimmying in the mirror to admire my rockin’ moves.

In that spirit, I want to share a two very specific examples of how my own definition of success has supported me in times of trial.  Yes, babelicious, this is the trick to saving your own life.

Story One (The Relationship One)

One year ago, I was spending Thanksgiving with one of my bff’s and  her fiance at her parent’s house on the coast near the Canadian border.  I was laying low, taking care of my tender ego, and trusting my heart with all that I had.  The key question here is: Why wasn’t I with the Big Man?

The short version is that I was giving him space to figure out his version of his best life. We had been together for over 4 years when he told me that he wasn’t sure if kids were in his future…  The hardest part?  Kids were definitely in MY future and I had never been quiet about that point.  Having those little people, building a family, and being a mom have always been major players in my definition of success.

The Big Man and I had hit the largest bump in our relationship.

Having kids were one thing that I wasn’t willing to give up or leave to a maybe…  But I also realized that if they weren’t part of his best life, there was no way I could force it.  What good did that do us? And I really wanted him to live the life he wanted for himself, even if that didn’t include children or me for that matter.  People asked me if I was making the right choice — should I really put a desire for children before this man that I loved?

I understood the point they were trying to make.

The Big Man and I had an amazing relationship.  We really supported each other in our desired lifestyle and crazy traveling habits and freedom seeking vibe.  We made each other laugh, stood up for one another, and worked hard at making things work.  But kids were in my definitely in my version of success and he wasn’t quite sure.  Stalemate.

I moved out for a couple of months in 2009, giving him time and space to figure out what he wanted.

I was so certain that my best version of my life included a family that the decision to leave was hard, but also very clear.  And I wanted to make sure that he was making the right decisions for himself.  So, in-the-throes-of-unannounced-sobbing and my-whole-life-is-falling-apart-answers-to-how-are-you-doing-questions mode, I spent last Thanksgiving and Christmas apart from the Big Man.  I slept on an air mattress at my sister’s house (thank you to all her amazing roomies).   I cried, and journaled, and asked the Universe if I was doing the right thing.

Deep down, I knew that I was doing what I had to do for myself. And that I needed to allow him to do what he needed to do.  That certainty was freeing and saved me from all the second guessing and regret that tends to come major decisions like the one that I had made.

Obviously, there is a happy ending to this story.   I’m not going to pretend to know the work or prayers or  therapy that Big Man went though to uncover his choices, but we got engaged last January and married in August, and are now traveling around the country on our very extended honeymoon.  I imagine, once we settle down somewhere, it will be just about time to get down to the baby-making business!

My definition of success was my rock. All the work I had done to get clear about my desires and place in the world made “trusting my gut” and “standing up for myself” possible.

Story Two (The Lifestyle One)

For those of you who know me in real life, you know that this trip has been an interesting experience for me…   I’m living out of my car, staying in guestrooms, arriving in cities without knowing where we are sleeping, eating way too much crap on the road, having amazing adventures, driving and biking and walking a lot, and trying my very best to grow this amazing business I love so I can serve more women who need me.

For those of you who know me ever better, you know I’m a planner at heart. To be this free-spirited and free-wheeling actually takes quite a bit of concentrated effort on my part. I am getting a daily dose of staying in the moment practice, instead of obsessing about my future.

After a month on the road, I stared pining to go home.  I wanted to wake up and meditate.  I wanted to drink green smoothies.  I wanted to work my butt off on my Fierce Love product and guest blog for million cool people and form lucrative partnerships and figure out how to reach all those 20somethings who need me.  I wanted to be have a plan and be able to execute it without the daily concerns of  “Where are we going to eat?  Where are we going to sleep?  What do you what to do today versus what do I need to get done?”

Basically, I started freaking out. I wanted more control…   And then, after two super inspiring pump me up conferences for women entrepreneurs, I REALLY wanted to go home.

It was time to conquer the world!  It was time to monetize like crazy!  It was time emerge as a mix of all my heroines and kick some ass and beef up my writing skills and starting volunteering for hospice and decorate my new home and have imaginative hot sex with my husband and get in ridiculous shape and…  And…

Yes.  I was falling under that trap of “I’ll be happy when…” story.  You’d think I would know better, eh? ;)

Luckily, I have a partner who reminds me of my own bigger picture when I lose my vision.  And I have amazing friends who remind me to enjoy this special honeymoon and the freedom I’ve created in my life thus far to be able to do it.  And I have wise mentors who remind me I’m literally living out a huge dream of mine to be location independent, to make friends all over the country who share my thirst for a (slightly) unconventional life,  to travel with my husband collecting memories, and still be able to work on my passion-fueled business.

And my clients?  They are the best reminder of all.  As we create their definition of success together, I am forced to revisit mine.

A few weeks ago, I was losing touch with my own definition of what it means to be successful.  When I started admitting it, I was forcibly reminded by those around me that my goal isn’t to lead an easy life.  My goal isn’t to have a suburban home and a steady paycheck and a closet full of wrap dresses.  My goal isn’t to exert control of every situation so that I can operate comfortably.   My goal isn’t to be scared of challenges or to shrink back from adventure.

My definition of success is to live an extraordinary life. And part of that adventure is being open to new experiences, to live in the moment, and to really celebrate life!

After a week of processing and revisiting my big goals and dreams, I’ve realized I’m doing exactly what I want to be doing. What I need to be doing…   I’m building a business that supports and inspires women to rock their own lives.  I’m building a relationship that is open to exploration and personal growth and learning through experiences.   I’m checking off my Lifetime List NOW instead of waiting for someday.

Though it took a little prodding by others, I was able to save my own life by returning to my personal definition of success.

Hot damn.

The Wrap Up

Actions items?  Do whatever it takes to get really, really clear on what success looks like for YOU.  Hire a coach.  Take a bunch of inspiring eCourses. (Say, for example, the still awesome Joy Equation!) Go on retreat with nothing but a journal and your favorite pen. Talk it out.  Map it out.  Cover your walls with vision boards.  Study warrior role models.  Surround yourself with like-minded folk.

Define success in your words, in your way.  It’s a lifesaving tool.

**Question I know is coming:  Of course your definition of success will shift and change as you grow and experience new things and discover new truths. That doesn’t mean you should spend time really diving into it now. Create it, capture it, and return to it whenever you feel lost, confused, or overwhelmed by the need to make decisions.

Need some assistance?  Or just want to pick my brain for 75 minutes?

If you’re interested in jamming about your definition and it’s plan of action in 2011- I’m offering one-time power sessions for $100!   This will only be available through January!  It’s super easy to sign up.  Register with the button below, I’ll send you an intake form, and we’ll set up a time to talk for 75 minutes.

No further obligation, no sales pitches.

Just you + me + a supportive, inspiring, creative strategy session about YOUR LIFE.  You’ll leave with clarity, some future challenges, and a huge dose of excitement about life.  Ready?

BUY NOW

p.s.  If it’s not the right fit for you, stayed tuned…. All sorts of new Stratejoy goodies are on tap for 2011.

photo credit : wendkuni

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Like Summer Camp, Only Cooler

posted 6th November 2010    Written by: Renee    CATEGORY: All Posts, Events, Renee, Season 3

It looks like we’re halfway into this Stratejoy blogging gig and you’ve all been dutifully following our up and downs, trials and tribulations. I told you how terrified I was to start grad school and teaching.  I told you how money gives me an ulcer.  I told you my hopes and dreams.

So where are we now?

Midterms are over, marking one of the most hectic periods of my life.  This also marks the second half of my first semester of grad school.  I’ve made friends.  I’ve established a routine.  I’ve actually gotten all my shit done.  I’ve taken time for myself.  I’ve battled stress migraines. I’ve discovered the Bruno Mars station on Pandora.  I’ve paid off half my credit card debt. I’m so close to creating the perfect mac and cheese recipe. But the best part?
I signed up to cross something off my life list.
I registered for improv classes at Second City Theatre in January.

This is a goal I had barely admitted to myself… to study at one of the famed Chicago improv theatres.  I quietly added it to my life list with little pomp and circumstance. I told no one. Until one day, I checked out Second City’s website… and realized the week-long class was within my budget.  Then I started telling people. “I think I’m going to sign up for a class at Second City.”  I was worried about the reactions… I anticipated hearing, “Why?” or “Do you think you’ll learn anything?” or “Do you think you’re good enough?” or “What’s the point?”
Instead I heard, “Oh my goodness, we’re going to see you on SNL!” and “I’m so excited for you!”  And boy oh boy did that announcement get a lot of “likes” on Facebook!

Though my Sarah Palin impression rivals Tina Fey’s, I have no aspirations of the SNL stage.  In fact, I have no aspirations of any improv stage.  Improv in front of an audience terrifies me… but I’ve always wanted to try. Whose Line Is It Anyway was my go-to sick day show. I took improv in college but it wasn’t what I anticipated. I wanted more. I wanted to study under the best.

I thought, “Who knows how much longer I’ll be this close to Chicago? This might be my last chance.”

So I took the opportunity.  I’m doing this class for myself.  In January, I’ll spend a week in the city for me.  It’ll be like summer camp, only cooler.

{photo via drurydrama}

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101 Things To Do Before I Go

posted 24th July 2009    Written by: Molly Mahar    CATEGORY: All Posts, Events, Inspiration, Molly

ParadeI’ve had a Life List since high school.  It gets added to, deleted from & tweaked every year- but it wasn’t until I read the book Creating Your Best Life: The Ultimate Life List Guide that I understood why I worshiped my list so much.

“Edwin Locke, the codeveloper of goal-setting theory, studied the traits of what he called “prime movers”… people who had “moved the world” with their passion, vision, energy and perseverance.  Over many years, Locke refined his list of “prime mover” traits down to the essential seven, two of which are vision and action.  Becuase of their abundant vision and action, the men and women Locke profiled were all renowned goal setters…”

Yes!  Vision.  Action.  I’m a woman with a purpose!  Even if that purpose includes having a color coordinated closet with a mini chandelier in it!

There a million other fascinating connections between success, happiness & life lists (goal setting) discussed in the book.  If you’ve been reading for any length of time, you know I’m slightly obsessed with the science behind happiness and this book is one of my new favorites. Let me just share a one last excerpt from authors Caroline Adams Miller and Dr. Michael B. Frisch:

“We see happiness in a new and exciting way: as a character strength that, if persistently cultivated, will give you greater zest, persistence, and energy for accomplishing your goals.  Our program doesn’t take a get-happier-at-all-costs and check-goals-off-your-life-list-now approach that glosses over what research tells us about optimal well-being, however.  We believe that positive and negative affect are both necessary in one’s life, and that both are important barometers that play a role in optimal well-being.  Following our life list approach will result in a richer and deeper level of happiness- an elan vital that will give you not only enthusiasm for life, but also a deep sense of excitement that will allow you to have more success with your goals than you ever thought possible.”

When I set out to write this post, inspired by Andrea’s post from Wednesday, I wanted to share some items from my List as well as some inspirational lists from other women.  As luck would have it — I found a post called What’s on Your List? from one of my tribe members, Carrie at Girl and Coconut, linking to some fabulous life lists out there! Thanks Carrie for reading my mind in advance.

So that leaves us with my List…

After re-reading it about a month ago, I was slightly chagrined with some of my choices.  Did I really want to own a designer gown?  Did I really need to win a volunteer award? (Isn’t volunteering a reward in and of itself?) Did I honestly want to meet James Franco? What exactly was I trying to prove?  And to whom?

I’ve spent the last month or so really thinking hard about how one would go about creating a meaningful list– one that would inspire you to live an extraordinary life– instead of one that just listed adrenaline rushes, cools things to own, and awards that prove something to someone else. With the help of “the book” and a lot of trial and error-  I’m getting closer!  My List is starting to reflect a life that I’m ridiculously excited about, one that I’m proud of.

I’m not going to share my entire List here (though I will after I capture the list in gorgeous vision board or memory book at the event on August 29th) but here are some highlights!

15 of my 101 Things To Do Before I Go

Win a gold medal (Junior Olympics Pole Vaulting 1996 or some such)

Have a piece of writing published

Travel around the world (made a full loop from Central America to Europe to South Africa to Southeast Asia and then home)

Complete a masters in positive psychology

Ride naked in the Fremont Parade (Seattle tradition- I was a ravishing, fully painted Jungle Princess in 2008)

Attend Burning Man

Start investing (Timing was wrong, but that’s life…)

Plant and nurture a herb garden

Go dog sledding in Alaska

Sit on a board for the Arts

Host a Oktoberfest Party complete with picnic tables, steins & sauerkraut

Speak conversational Spanish

Spent 3 months alone in Nature

Meet James Franco (He was allowed to stay on the List after much deep thought)

Learn to play pop songs on the piano

Event Alert!

If you are in Seattle and you don’t have a Life List that you love or it isn’t in an inspiring format- I’m throwing an event to help you make it happen!  It will be a relaxed partyish atmosphere as we brainstorm, sip mimosas, cut, glue, color, laugh & share some life goals.

I’m trying to make it as easy as possible for you to leave with an Life List that thrills you to the bone. One that you can’t wait to hang up & tackle.  One that gives you joy, a sense of accomplishment & motivation to create brilliance in your life.

Rock and roll.  Oh, and boys are invited too!

More info & Registration:  101 Things To Do Before You Go: Creating a Powerful, Meaningful, Inspiring Life List

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30 Things To Do Before I’m 30

posted 22nd July 2009    Written by: Andrea    CATEGORY: All Posts, Andrea, Inspiration, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 1

[New to the site? Welcome 20something adventure seeker! Don't leave without registering on the right to receive our free eBook- The Gutsy Girls Guide to Success! It will inspire you to create an incredible Life List!

Andrea is a Guest Blogger for Stratejoy- a training and coaching company that helps women conquer their Quarterlife Crisis and Live Life Well!  Molly Hoyne, the founder of Stratejoy, also has her life list posted as well as her 20 Things To Do in 2010.]

Andrea’s Post

While driving to and from Bonnaroo, the most amazing music, art and camping experience of my life, I decided to make a list of 30 things to do before I am 30 years old. I’m calling it my 30 Before 30.

I just turned 25, so that gives me 5 years to complete all of my goals. A few of my friends also made lists and we are going to keep in touch and track which items we accomplish over the next few years.

ANDREA’S 30 BEFORE 30

  1. Go on a hot air balloon ride
  2. Learn how to play the guitar (at least one song)
  3. Visit Australia
  4. Visit London
  5. Get married (married?!… this one is VERY questionable)
  6. Buy a new car (mine is 13 years old. Her name is Mabel)
  7. Cut my hair (I’ve always had long hair)
  8. Start my own business or non-profit
  9. Backpack through Europe
  10. Continue to dance
  11. Drive cross-country
  12. Watch the sunrise and sunset from the same day on 2 different coasts of the USA
  13. Become a published Writer
  14. Take my dad to see the Grand Canyon
  15. Take my mom to see the Louve in Paris
  16. Teach a college course
  17. Visit Poland and see where my great grandparents grew up
  18. Read the top ten classic novels
  19. Watch as many Oscar award winning films as possible
  20. Move (that could be out of DC or inside of DC)
  21. Learn how to calm down
  22. Do something with my travel photos. (Currently they live in cyberspace)
  23. Start an investment account
  24. Ride a horse
  25. Volunteer for a cause that matters to me
  26. Submit an entry to Postsecret
  27. Participate in Flash Mob

[Flash Mob: is a large group of people who assemble suddenly in a public place, perform an unusual action for a brief time, then quickly disperse. The term flash mob is generally applied only to gatherings organized via social media or viral emails.]

28. ?
29. ?
30. ?

I know my list isn’t totally complete yet but, I hoping some of you may be able to help me.  What would be on your list? Share with me your 30 Before 30 lists whether its complete or incomplete like mine. Maybe we can all get some good ideas from each other!

photo credit: jesse.millan

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