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One Love Ends, Another Love Begins

posted 20th August 2010    Written by: Alisha    CATEGORY: Alisha, Creativity, Family, Inspiration, Love/Relationships, Season 3

You know that saying about how love always comes when you least expect it?

One Friday afternoon, I left a message for my boyfriend the bouncer, letting him know that it was not going to work out.  Then I called my friend Crystal and we made a date: Brooksider for burgers and beers at 8.  In that basement, on a very cold February night (February 9th to be precise), the universe threw another curve ball.

I won’t bore you with the details, but let’s just say that I fell in love that night.  Three months into our relationship I found out I was pregnant.  Wowzers.  My head was spinning.  My first thought was, “oh my God.  My parents are gonna kill me.”  Fortunately they did not.  And luckily, for me, my new boyfriend was beyond excited.  That night we drove to the library and stayed up until the wee hours talking about baby names.  It was a hasty decision, but two months after that we got married.  I was working full-time in the accounting department of an engineering firm while going to school full-time.  Needless to say, I left school—again—and focused on work while trying not to freak out about my future as a parent.  Yet, at only 22 years of age, how could I not be freaking out?

The summer flew by, autumn was a blur and on December 29th, 2007, I gave birth to a very beautiful baby boy.  During my maternity leave, we decided that the ridiculous cost of daycare meant that I should become a stay-at-home mom.  Those first 4 or 5 months were really difficult.  My life basically consisted of pumping, feeding, burping; pumping, feeding, burping; pumping, feeding, burping…you get the idea.  I was tired, hungry, and very depressed.  I did not admit it to myself then, but looking back on it now, I was clearly suffering from Post Partum Depression.  One night, as I rocked him back and forth, back and forth trying to stop the crying, I could feel myself fill with rage.  My muscles got really tight, hot.  Jaw clenched and eyes wide open, I imagined myself throwing him across the room.  I didn’t, of course.  But I really wanted to.  At that moment, I felt like a failure as a mother.   Yet, day after day I tried my best to be the “perfect” mom.  I learned how to cook.  My home was always spotless.  I got a sewing machine.  I tried to learn how to knit.  I even tried to be all eco-friendly and green and use cloth diapers.  (After I had to soak a poopy one in the sink, the husband put an end to that.)  However, I never really felt like “me.”

Three years later, I have perfected the role of a homemaker but I still feel lost.  It was not until I was pregnant with my daughter that I really felt compelled to make some more change.  I knew that if I wanted to be an example of a strong, secure and authentic woman for my daughter that I needed to get to work on my self.  This past summer I read “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron and it is no exaggeration when I say that it has changed my life.  It reminded me of all those little things that make up “Alisha”.  I delved back into writing, drawing, dreaming.  It made me excited about life again.  It was as if by giving birth to her, Iexperienced a rebirth of my self.

However, I am still floundering in uncharted territory.  I knew how to be “me” when I was single.  Now, the challenge is how to combine all of these new elements (husband, home, two children) while I travel on this existential journey, the rediscovery of my soul.  In the midst of broken train tracks, how will I find inspiration instead of ire?  How will I navigate through the poop and toddler vomit and stay on course through this crisis?  I don’t know.  But maybe Stratejoy can be my compass.

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The Power of Personal Retreats

posted 18th September 2009    Written by: Molly Mahar    CATEGORY: All Posts, Inspiration, Molly, Travel

Bali Tanah LotStratejoy was born on a trip.  A mighty long trip, true, but a still a trip involving beaches and scuba diving and lots of meditation.

And guess where I’m headed?  On a trip involving beaches and scuba diving and lots of meditation.

So, although my three weeks in Bali are nothing close to 10 months of backpacking, I’m completely excited to recharge, chill out and put some brain power to thinking about my life and my business. A ton of the original purpose and motivation for Stratejoy came from simply being able to think, without worrying about the stresses of everyday life.

And I am so ready for some more of that kind of thinking!

The other kicker about this trip?  I am turning 29 while I’m gone. For some reason, this feels like a big scary birthday.  I imagine it’s because a lot of my life is up in the air right now and 29 seems freakin’ close to 30 and isn’t 30 when you’re supposed to have it all figured out?  And aren’t I, as the founder of Stratejoy, supposed to have my shit together?   Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

Obviously, I know this isn’t true.  These insecurities are just that, insecurities.  30 isn’t the end of the world and I don’t have to “have it all figured out.”  I’m on the same path as you– doing the work to point my life in an extraordinary direction and then letting go of the need to control everything.

Life’s a pretty incredible journey that way.  But the 29-oh-my-god feeling is still there…

It’s the dang Quarterlife Crisis rearing its head again.

And that brings me back to the power of personal retreats, at least for me. I truly feel like I conquered at least part of my crisis during the last 2 months of my trip around the world.  And I’m ready to give the remaining bit a swift kick of clarity and acceptance over the next 3 weeks.

I’ve got my journal, my favorite paints and colored pencils, and a bunch of books on Buddhism that I’ve been wanting to tackle.  I plan of having plenty of fun with the Big Man, but I also plan on thinking.  On creating.  On taking some deeps breaths. On listening to my heart and intuition.  On relearning how to relax.

And I definitely plan on plotting ways to spread the Authentic Happiness Movement. On growing the Tribe.  On bringing you the best clarity courses, accountability programs, and inspiration to live life on your terms.

How can you help?

Send me a birthday card.  October 6th is the official day!

Just kidding.  But you could comment on this post with things you’d like to see from Stratejoy, so I can noodle on them while I’m on the beach and in the hills.  You can suggest ways I can improve my offerings, marketing, transparency, blog, branding, workshops, haircolor, habit of swearing, tendency to cry at simply everything, way I stop breathing when I laugh really hard, laziness around running, hatred of listening to voicemails, etc, etc etc.

Or send me an email if you’ve really got a lot to say…

Seriously sugarpops, I need some “stuff” to work with.  Fire away!

photo credit: bramvera

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