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Chasing Away The Black Cloud

posted 3rd June 2010    Written by: Katie    CATEGORY: Katie, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 2, Tips & Tools, What I've Learned

The last two weeks have been a little rough on my end, as if you couldn’t tell by my most recent two posts [Found here. and here too].

The awesome Molly sent me an e-mail after reading my scheduled post for last week and asked if I needed to talk. The first thing I thought to do was to apologize for the negative posts and offer to write something else a bit more upbeat and cheery. Basically I was offering to put my feelings on the back burner because I was ashamed of them.

Yeah, brilliant idea for someone who is struggling with self-image and self-worth, right? Convince myself that my feelings were shameful, and I shouldn’t feel that way.</Sarcasm>

In falling back into a depressive state, I was challenged.  I was challenged to keep my head on straight, function every day, and hide a lot of my feelings until later in the day when I was alone. It was very similar to being violently ill all day during work and not being able to go home.

You’re miserable, exhausted, and just want your bed, but you have to work all day long.

Two weeks later from the onset of my near emotional collapse, I’m feeling much better. I’m not as hopeless, and emotionally crazy as I was two weeks ago. The “bad case of the blues” passed much quicker than it typically does, and this is absolutely due in part to a list that I made of things that I was going to focus on. If you’re anything like me, having things down in a list is a magical thing.Staring those “to-do”‘s in the face gives me the drive to complete them. I wanted to share a few of the things that I did in hopes that if you find yourself having a tough week or even day, that these things may work for you too.

Schedule in some “Feel Bad” Time

There’s only one thing for certain when you’re feeling depressed/sad/mad – and that’s that you’re feeling depressed/sad/mad. Denying that is not only lying to yourself but it’s also not allowing yourself to feel what you want to feel.

“Just get happy” doesn’t work. At the same time, many of us have to put on that happy face for our jobs or even family members. This is completely fine, but make sure you allow yourself an hour or so later on in the day where you allow yourself to sit with your feelings. Whether you want to talk them over with a friend is up to you, but give yourself the permission to feel whatever emotions your heart wants to.

Don’t wait for clarity – Create it.

I’m the kind of person who revels in moments of complete and total clarity. These anticipated moments come at random times. Sometimes it happens when I’m sitting in a noisy bar with friends. Other times, it’s right before I fall asleep. It’s happened while seeing the Center City skyline at night. In these moments, I feel clear and at ease. I could sit with myself and that feeling forever, but it often fades when I come back down to earth.

One of my problems recently, is that these moments haven’t been occurring. I’m always worried about something or someone, and that moment of clarity…it just isn’t coming.  I got angry waiting for it. That anger did absolutely nothing for me except ruin my mood even more. That’s the thing with life, sometimes these moments don’t come willingly. Sometimes, you have to create them.

Practice creating clarity by manually clearing your mind, instead of waiting for your mind to clear itself. Personally, I visualize all of my problems circling my head as if my brain is juggling them. One by one, I flick each one away from my head, and when the final problem is gone, I just sit with that feeling of being free from worry. Even if it just lasts a few moments, it’s enough to get me through and reset my mind a bit.

Write. Write. Write. Write. WRITE

I sometimes avoid writing when I’m feeling yuck-tastic. Mostly, because I’m afraid of what’s going to come out. Recently, I’ve been pushing myself to start writing when I’m feeling crappy. Sometimes, all that’s come out has been “I have absolutely nothing to say, I’m feeling horrible today.” I go back, read that sentence, and I find myself asking “Why do you feel horrible?” At which point, I fill in the blank with an answer. “…I’m feeling defeated. The project that I was banking on was given to someone else. I really thought I had it in the bag, but apparently I wasn’t good enough, and the other person was better.” 9 times out of 10, I end up putting myself in a third-person position, and I inspire the hell out of myself without even realizing it. Before too long, I find my brain turning to think as if I were giving someone the advice and forgetting that it’s actually me.

Maybe this won’t happen to you, but at the very least, you get these feelings out into the open. It’s kind of like throwing up after you’ve drank so much. You have all of that toxic stuff inside of you, and once you get it out, you feel so much better. Throwing up or writing about your issues isn’t the easiest thing, but that yucky stuff is often better out than in.

If Nothing Else – Treat Yourself

These haven’t been the easiest last few weeks. It’s really taken a lot out of me, but I’m recovering well. I’ve been very kind to myself, and given myself extra treats (like concert tickets to see Maroon 5 and Dave Matthew’s Band).  I’ve let myself sleep an extra hour in the morning and take a little extra long shower. I bought a case of soda, which I’ve been trying to give up on, but have been craving.  I’m forgiving myself for little mistakes that I’ve made, and being gentle to not put myself in situations that I know will be uncomfortable.

I’m focusing a lot more on myself, and I feel a bit better. I think my mind and body really were just begging for attention. Boy are they getting it.

When you’re feeling down and out, what do you do? Treat yourself to anything special?

*photo credit: [via]


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The “I’ll Be Happy When” Syndrome

posted 25th May 2010    Written by: Nicole Antoinette    CATEGORY: Nicole Antoinette, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 2

I catch myself doing it all the time. “I’ll be happy when I have more money” or, “I’ll be happy when I’ve traveled all around the world,” or, “I’ll be happy when I’m in better shape” or, “I’ll be happy when I publish a book.” When, when, when.

There always seems to be a “when,” doesn’t there? A point in the future that when you pass it, you’ll definitely be happier than happy.

Except what happens when you do get there? What happens when you look around and realize that you have everything you ever thought you wanted, and yet you feel like you still want more? When does ambitious become greedy?

When does chasing a dream turn into chasing a mirage?

Maybe this is what the Quarterlife Crisis is all about: learning how to be happy. Maybe being an adult means learning how to not get stuck in the agonizing cycle of the When Syndrome and appreciate what you have while setting challengingly realistic goals for the future.

I don’t know.

But, what I do know is that getting stuck in the cycle of “when when when” is one of my biggest fears. I’m constantly trying to assess what I want to understand where it fits among the puzzle pieces of everything else that makes up my life, and I’m terrified of wanting so much that I’m constantly doing the “when” thing and am never just wholly satisfied with where I am at any given moment.

Part of the fear, I think, comes from feeling that if I let myself be satisfied with where I am, I’ll get lazy. I worry that, “I’ll be happy when” will turn to, “Oh, I don’t need to pursue anything more because it’s fine the way it is.” And yes, even as I say that I understand how ridiculous it sounds. I get it. I get that like most every situation, there’s a middle ground between the two unwanted extremes; I just can’t seem to get there.

I think, really, that the heart of it is that I don’t know how to just let myself be happy.

I don’t know how to live so that I’m simultaneously content with where I am and proud of what I’ve accomplished while also staying focused on my big dreams. I’m much more comfortable operating at one of two ends of the spectrum, either being deliriously happy with what I have and not needing/wanting more, or being completely dissatisfied and struggling to change.

How is it possible for people to feel a combination of both of those at the same time?

Do people actually feel this way?

photo credit: Pink Sherbet Photography

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Loving What Is and the Practice of Savoring

posted 5th April 2010    Written by: Molly Hoyne    CATEGORY: Molly, Quarterlife Crisis, Tips & Tools

Life is full right now.

Full of planning for the future, including a wedding and the beginning of a marriage.

Full of savoring the present (spinach soup cooked by the Big Man, clean sheets, talking to my mum on the phone).

Full of building my business and my coaching practice (yay for new one-on-one clients this month!).

Full of girls trips to Mexico and burlesque lessons and checking things off my life list (I’m the one in the leopard hat! Door babe at the Moisture Festival.  Life Goal #29: check!).

Full of unknowns, and not-quite-to-ready-to-share adventures, and how-the-hell-am-I-ever-going-to-get-it-all-done-in-this-lifetime anxiety moments…

I’m in awe of the fullness.  Scary as it is, it’s also delicious.

And it’s new.  I’ve spent a lot of time feeling “empty” as my Quarterlife Crisis challenged my sense of identity, my purpose, my sanity (!).  The work I’ve been doing the last three years to conquer said Quarterlife Crisis — the seeking, learning, examining — has left me feeling a bit tender, a bit vulnerable.  I scooped out and trashed so many false beliefs and old expectations that it left me feeling hollow.

It’s just now, in this past year, that I’m starting to fill up the empty space with true desires. Essential beliefs about myself and the world I live in.  Authentic longings for adventure.  For simplicity.  For creative expression and freedom.

It’s incredible exciting.  And I’m trying hard to enjoy each distinct moment when I connect with that “I am totally alive!” feeling. I’m trying hard to love and savor “what is”.

I love that I’m pushing myself to grow as a coach, writer, and performer, even when it’s hard.

I love that YOU are out there.  Reading, learning, teaching, agreeing, disagreeing, traveling your own Quarterlife Crisis journey, being my comrade in arms. And in the spirit of learning, I’d like to share a strategy of joy today!

Savoring is one of those happiness techniques that I’ve learned in my studies and attempt to practice in my day-to-day.

“When we truly savor something, like a fine wine or a well-cooked meal, we consciously take in our surroundings and experience our emotions with a powerful sense of appreciation for what is happening in the moment… Savoring has profound consequences and people who are adept at savoring have been found to be happier, less anxious, more grateful, healthier, blessed with more friendships, and even more persistent in the face of obstacles.” –Caroline Adams Miller

My challenge to you?  See if you can practice savoring in it’s three distinct forms this week! Here’s what it looks like for me…

SAVORING IN THE MOMENT

Take mental snapshots of moments you love.  Really soak them up in the exact moment you are experiencing them. Savoring the physical experience, as well as the feelings that arise.

My example: *Shutter Open* Right at this moment, I’m sitting at my kitchen table/work space drinking coffee out of my Wheat Montana mug, wearing my pink cardigan with sparkly buttons, writing a blog post for my business.  Sunshine is streaming in my window.  U2 is playing.  I love that I am providing for myself through a business I built with hope and hard work and incredible support of women near and far. It makes me feel proud and all smile-ey. *Shutter Close*

SAVORING IN ANTICIPATION

Practice savoring the upcoming happiness of a vacation, special date, start of a new class.  When you expect that good things will come your way, you’re more likely to act in a manner that will make those good things happen!

My example:  I love that the Big Man and I are planning a small wedding-on-the-river-in-the-garden and that we’re doing it together.  August 28th is going to be an amazing first day of our marriage.  I know that all the small details will work themselves out and that my family and friends will love celebrating with us!

It’s going to be a joyful day: the sun will shine, the food will be delicious, the drinks will flow, the singing will impress, the dancing will rock. I’m savoring the anticipation of our quirky country chic wedding.

SAVORING IN HINDSIGHT

Replay your happy moments to yourself, either by writing them down in a journal or simply replaying them in your mind. Reminiscing can also be done by scrap booking, reconnecting with the other people from your memories to story tell together, or displaying photos of great times.

My example:

Safari at the Zulu Nyala Game Lodge in South Africa, November 2007.  One of the highlights of our trip around the world, despite the torrential down pours.  The Big Man and I were laughing our heads off taking these pictures the entire week.  Of course, we took gorgeous and serious shots as well, but the “holding of the animals” still remind me of all the fun we have together.

What will you savor this week?   How will you love “what is”?

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Learning to Let Go of the Past

posted 4th February 2010    Written by: Katie    CATEGORY: All Posts, Katie, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 2, What I've Learned

INTRODUCING KATIE

I had a moment that changed the way I think about everything

I was blindsided by the Quarterlife Crisis, but in retrospect, I can pinpoint moments as far back as high school when I could have realized it was coming.

When I was 17, when everyone else was studying and prepping for college, I was working full time hours and had a much older boyfriend. I met him at work, he gave me the attention that I always wanted, and he had me at “you’re adorable. I love being around you.”

From there, it was a tumultuous 5 years filled with some ups, mostly downs, cheating, and financial ruins.

After I finally let that relationship go, but not enough to say I was ‘over it’, I dated a man closer to my age, without any experience. Anywhere. (Catch my drift?) He was into Psychology, and loved to analyze every hair on my head. I was interested in psychology and I liked to analyze him right back.  He was a student, he had a car, he had a job, he had a future planned that at times would include me.

I loved him, but had a difficult time showing it. Eventually we got tired of fighting, and we broke up. After a brief rekindle, we broke up again for good.

This breakup rocked my world, and not in a Michael Jackson kind of way. It was more of a “put my tender heart in a blender” kind of way.

2 months later,  last December, I got hit with a layoff.  The job that I was content with, at best, decided that they weren’t content with me, and let me go. The economy was horrible, I had no education, I was getting over a breakup, I was alone.

Everything had fallen apart, and I had no relationship, job, or education to lean on.

Super freakin’ Duper.

I lived the next 6 months in a depressed spending-haze. Unemployment checks would come in, and I’d head right out and buy things that I surely can’t remember or show you now. It felt good in the moment, but as with all unhealthy things, it ends up being something you lean on for support, but it doesn’t really do you any good.

As I spent those days, months, weeks, and years in emotional confusion and turmoil, I really didn’t grasp how much time was passing. Living for the moment worked for me, but I think I relied on that too much, for I didn’t make anything of those moments.

I gave up on opportunities. I started projects and never finished them. I accepted my depression and figured I’d just live with it forever.

I had a moment about a month ago that changed the way I think about everything. I was driving past my old high school, and each time I do, I do a little math in my head and think of how long it’s been since I “graduated”.  I realized it’s been 7 years.

7 years of feeling sorry for myself. 7 years of making excuses of why I would never make it. 7 years of unwillingly sabotaging myself of having a life that I deserved. In that moment I realized that it was time to not only live in the present, but to make the best of every moment.

So, here I am. I’ve made the realization, and am now trying to figure out what I want. I’m learning to be a little bit more selfish and a bit less selfless at times. I’m learning how to find my inner-most desires and making them happen. I’m learning to let go of the past, in order to make a happier future.

I’m learning to be me.

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