Archive

Uncovering Loneliness

posted 15th July 2011    Written by: Katharine    CATEGORY: All Posts, Katharine, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 4, Travel

Australia has been a very healing place for me.  I came into this country with a lot of unanswered questions, unresolved issues, a broken heart that still hadn’t fully healed, an emotional void constantly being filled with alcohol, and a burning desire of wanting something more.  That’s a lot of baggage to carry around from country to country.

In six months I found the courage to start over.  New career.  New city (and country).  New friends.  New relationship.  But there’s still something missing; I still feel this sharp pain deep in my heart and soul.

Buried beneath all of the happiness, excitement, adventure, and newness is deep, painful loneliness.

I’ve been struggling with loneliness for a couple years now, though I think this is the first time that I’m actually admitting it. I don’t know where it stems from.  Maybe partly from losing my parents at such a young age (and not being raised in that tight-knit family dynamic) and partly from the unhealthy relations I had with nearly every man back in America which created this dangerous feeling of inadequacy.

Traveling solo surely doesn’t erase this feeling of loneliness though.

Choosing to create a new life in Australia is certainly a monumental tipping point for me, but it does come at a cost.  I had wonderful, supportive, genuine friends back home.  I had two brothers who would drop everything and come running to me if I needed them.  I had a therapist who saved my life and helped me work through my emotional demons.  And I chose to be selfish and leave it all behind to travel the world solo and find my happiness.

Now I’m on an island, miles and miles away from my closest friends and family, trying to find a way to build a new foundation full of happiness, love, and gratitude.  I’m trying to become a successful ESL teacher, a genuine friend, and a loving girlfriend.  It’s not as easy as it sounds.  Life Down Under isn’t always rainbows and butterflies; it’s an emotional roller coaster of fleeting happiness, painful loneliness, drops of stratejoy, and moments of feeling homesick.

Being an ESL teacher in Australia is very challenging, for obvious reasons.  I’m teaching private lessons to International students and Backpackers, but it’s not steady, guaranteed work every day.  Some days I teach eight lessons, other days I won’t teach at all.

Most of the friends I had when I first got here have traveled out of the country, and it’s been tough to organize nights out with the remaining friends that are still in town.

It’s emotionally challenging to be in a relationship with a man who’s constantly surrounded by his friends and family and I’m on the other side of the world from mine.  I miss that kind of social environment and I miss being around people who really know me.  I don’t want to become co-dependent on him, but it’s tough when he’s one of the reasons why I chose to stay.

How do I make the loneliness of starting over in a foreign country, thousands of miles away from everything I know and love, go away?

I don’t know how to work through it.  I don’t know how to just sit with this feeling and be okay in the moment.

Starting over is scary.  Though I never thought I’d ever start my life over in Australia, I certainly don’t regret this decision.  This country has changed my life.  But I think that honeymoon phase of being here is officially over and now I need to start digging deep and working through this loneliness and the other emotional affects of living abroad.

{photo credit: Vermario}

 

divider

The Loneliness

posted 17th February 2011    Written by: Bri    CATEGORY: Bri, Love/Relationships, Season 4

Lately, I would describe my energy as manic.  That’s what happens when this girl, generally energetic and joyful, tries to fake happiness. My energy becomes frantic, anxious, insecure, and disconnected.  I do not feel like myself at all.  While I wish the culprit could be something external like “working too much” or “not enough sleep, too much coffee” I have to admit that’s not what’s going on right now.

Instead I need to come clean about something; I don’t particularly like myself right now.  Instead of the independent and confident woman I’ve been aiming for, I am full-on in a period of loneliness and insecurity.  The last thing I’ve wanted to do this week is sit with alone and be real with myself.  I have been completely and frantically avoiding myself.

Ugh.  Running from yourself is exhausting.

I’ve known that if I stopped for too long enough I would have to deal with the annoying reemergence of loneliness and insecurity.   I am frustrated that I am still dealing with these dark places.  I have dealt with a ton of the broken-heart messes. In fact I feel like so much of my energy has been dedicated to dealing with my broken pieces. Then here comes loneliness and insecurity, again.  I hate it.

If I’m honest, I could admit that I haven’t ever been a huge fan of the loneliness. Instead of learning how to be comfortable alone, I hid in a not-so-great-for-me relationship (Genius move).  Instead of finding my validation from within, like I KNOW I am supposed to be doing, I sought validation in another person; a person who wasn’t actually all that nice to me to begin with.

Take away life lesson?  If you don’t deal with your baggage, your baggage goes and recruits it’s homies (big burly homies with baseball bats) to come rough you up a little bit.  In other words, I have to deal with this mess eventually and it appears that the day of reckoning has arrived.

So now I  dive in to dealing with the broken pieces again. The first step is going to be to stop being so hard on myself that I am at this place of loneliness.  It has to be ok to have bad patches; I just need to remind myself that the dark places are when change happens.

For the loneliness, I am going to connect back up with myself.  Find all the little nuggets in me that make me proud and sparkley.  I am going to remind myself of the great parts of me until the idea of spending time alone doesn’t make me uncomfortable.  I am going to do the things that make me feel comfortable in this body.  I have a half-marathon in June, training starts now.

As this process continues, I can stop avoiding the Joy Equation prompts piling up in my inbox.  I don’t need to wait to figure things out before I FIGURE THINGS OUT. That doesn’t even make any sense.  The Joy Equation’s first step is connecting with myself, and that has been scaring the hell out of me.

It may not be easy but I am worth it. I know that spending this time with myself is going to be the guarantee that in six months I will not be in the same place I am today.  Forward movement is the goal; movement toward a life that I have set on fire.

[photo credit: hipposrunsuperfast]

divider

An American Freelancer In London

posted 9th September 2010    Written by: Marian    CATEGORY: All Posts, Job/Career/Work, Love/Relationships, Marian, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 3, Travel

I’ve been in London for exactly two months now. I have no idea how that happened so fast, but there it is.

It’s been 6 weeks since starting here at Stratejoy, and let me tell you, the wind has gone a little out of my sails.

When first deciding to move here for love I had Big Expectations. I’d be with my favorite person on earth, be in my favorite city on earth, build my business, network in a different country, maybe take a class in something I’m passionate about (cooking or photography, hadn’t decided yet). But in the two months I’ve been here the only thing I’m feeling positive about is my boyfriend. This was definitely the best decision I’ve ever made, but I’m feeling lonely and crowded at the same time.

Back in Connecticut I was living with my parents, three brothers, their infinite college-aged friends and my dog, Dillon, who is amazing but has no idea how to communicate without barking her face off. I couldn’t wait to get out. I adore my family, but sometimes you just want to be a grown-up, you know? I figured moving to London would be a little quieter, I’d be left to my own devices and finally be an adult.

Grass is always greener on the other side though, isn’t it?

In London, my next-door neighbors are this incredibly boisterous Indian family. Deep in my soul I’m happy for the little girl that lives there – always laughing, playing, shouting. Even deeper in my soul though I want to strangle the kid. SHUT THE HELL UP.

Then there are my new flatmates. Honestly, I have zero complaints – I’m “stuck” with some pretty awesome people. Problem is, there are seven of us total and a girl was not made to be a freelancer in a flat with four Kiwis.

Then there’s the apartment. Two years ago when I spent a few nights a week here it was awesome. Now when I realize it’s 20 minutes to the nearest coffee shop, lacking in any sort of greenery and honestly, a bit of a shit hole, I’m feeling less awesome and more cranky.

I like to bitch, I’m aware of this, but I’m generally a positive person. The past month though I’ve been full of complaints, worries and general negativity. This is not fun.

What happened to making new London friends? The last thing I want to do is attach myself to The Boyfriend by forcing my way into his already established group of friends.

What happened to my pastry class? I bake something for the flat around once a week, but I want to really learn how to cook. Problem is, I’m kind of broke. I spent a crazy amount of money on my flight to New Zealand, need a new computer and had to beg for cash from my readers (long story – go here) and just can’t justify paying for a class I don’t “need.”

As part of the Joy Equation Molly had us identify our core values – an incredible exercise that helped me realize the importance of nature in my life. A few weeks ago my friends and I went camping in this quaint English town on the New Forest. It was beyond incredible. Usually I force myself out of bed at 9:00, only to lie staring at the ceiling for another hour before actually hauling my ass out of bed. The first morning camping I woke up refreshed at 7:00 to hear birds (yeah, like real birds) chirping and was totally ready for the day.

I broke off from the group at one point to go on a little nature hike by myself. And let me tell you, it’s been a long time since I’ve felt that alive. I came across an abandoned farm, the most amazing entryway in the history of ever (image above), saw two baby deer playing in the grass, climbed to the top of a massive hill and looked out across the forest. It was like a freaking Disney movie, y’all.

Problem is, there’s no place like that near our London flat. Even getting to Hyde Park is a 45 minute tube journey. And the same way I can’t justify spending the money on a pastry class, I can’t justify the three hours it would take out of my day to go on a walk in a park.

So what do I do, guys? This post is in no way useful, is full of complaints and all these crazy thoughts running around in my head is driving me crazy. I miss my dear, old friends. I miss the tree-lined street where I grew up. But I don’t want to sit back and just complain. I want to feel happy now. I don’t want to spend the next two months here whining.

This London move – I don’t regret it for a second – but I wish I felt more at home here. I guess this is what the Quarterlife Crisis is all about, huh?

divider

Happy Wives and Stay At Home Moms Still Get Lonely

posted 27th August 2010    Written by: Alisha    CATEGORY: Alisha, Family, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 3, What I've Learned

One day we took my husband to work and headed to the little petting zoo in the next town over. The sun was shining. It was warm–warm for March in Chicago: 53 degrees according to the car. My son was happily speaking his toddler-speak…something about planes, sky, and going to the “zoom.” I had all of this wonderful light, bright, happy, great stuff going on, and yet. . . . And yet I was so overwhelmed; drowning in sorrow, loneliness. I almost started crying.

That morning I just felt so alone. There was no one to share my happiness with that day. No one to share that school-girl giddiness. No one to call up and meet for coffee and a quick chat in the backyard. I missed my old home. I missed my friends. I missed the tall oaks–how they lined the streets and shaded you from the mid-day sun. And the broken-up city sidewalks with their names set in blue and white mosaic tiles at each intersection. I missed the strawberry smoothies and melt-in-your-mouth croissants from the coffee shop down the road. I missed the old craftsman windows and Tudor peaks, the sirens from the police station on 63rd, and the neighborhood market with its fresh flowers and juicy scallops.

I am used to being alone.  After all, I am an INFJ—emphasis on the “I”.  My family moved around a lot when I was young (it is difficult to cultivate deep friendships when you move every 1-3 years).  Before children, my Saturdays were spent walking down to the coffee shop, reading best-sellers, watching movies in bed, and running on the trails— alone.

There are few whom I call friends; I consider most to be acquaintances.  And over the past few years I’ve become quite stingy with my friendship, extending it only to those whom I deem worthy.  (Wow. I hope that doesn’t sound like I think my ish don’t stink.  I just am more careful about in whom I invest my time and energy.)  Yet, lately I find myself craving connection on a level that I never have before.

I was not prepared for this loneliness thing.  When I envisioned my life as a stay-at-home mom I saw myself carting the kids to and from playgroups and playdates, chatting it up on the park bench while the children slid down the slides.  There is some of that, but not nearly enough.  It turns out that as I have gotten older, become a wife and a parent, making friends has not been so easy.  Family schedules don’t always mesh.  Children do not always play nicely.  Parenting philosophies differ.

I thought that I could fill the void by connecting with my tribes online.  Don’t get me wrong—the places and spaces I found on the internet are full of inspiring individuals and communities.  They are uplifting, supportive, encouraging and all around awesome!  However, they are no replacement for real human, face-to-face interaction.  Virtual hugs do not compare to the warm embrace of a kind soul.  I prefer “LOL”s to be literal: deep hearty laughs exchanged over a glass of wine and a medium pepperoni pizza. We humans are not made to be alone.  I need to go find my people.

photo credit

divider