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Normal People Food Kills Me

posted 30th July 2009    Written by: Marisa    CATEGORY: All Posts, Marisa, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 1

In three days I will no longer have health insurance.

…WHAT?!!!…

It’s true; in three days I will be joining the other uninsured 47 million United States citizens.  The available COBRA option given to people in my situation is still too expensive for this funemployment gal and I have no choice but to be uninsured.   And I know I’m freaking out more so than most people in this situation.

Yes, I am young and for the most part healthy, but I am sadly unique when compared to the health needs for the average person.

I have severe food allergies.  And by severe I mean I’ve been to the ER twice due to anaphylactic shock.  I am unique all right.

In fact, I’m actually part of a very small percentage of adults who have severe food allergies past the age of 25.  I’m part of a percentage of only 250,000 in this country who have a severe food allergy to one or all of the seven major food allergies: milk, eggs, soy, peanuts, shellfish, tree nuts/nuts and wheat.  Yay for me, I have four out of the seven.

I didn’t grow up with these food allergies though.  It started at 16 with a reaction to clams while attending a formal, and then when I was 20 to a granola peanut butter bar during one of my English Lit. classes.  Both times I was saved at the ER.  Both times I had health insurance.  Then most recently after some extensive testing, soy and tree nuts came up as positives.

With these results and finding out exactly what was in processed food, I had to basically teach myself how to eat again.

My last visit to the ER was in February of this year.  My eye started to swell while I was at a Jazz club with some of my friends and I knew exactly then what I had to do.  My ER visits record had been swept clean since I moved to Portland, almost three years without a visit.  Luckily this visit wasn’t as life threatening as the past two but nonetheless, just as stressful and scary at times.

I don’t know what to do now.  I can panic I suppose.  Well, I know I will here and there but I don’t want this worry to consume my every day life.  I have my Benadryl, I have my epi-pen and I have some sanity about me whenever I get a reaction.  However, rationality and logic are not always present.  I’m scared shitless when I really think about it. I live alone, I AM alone.  And I don’t think my cat Sophie will be able to dial 911 from my cell phone.

I guess the point of this post was to expunge some of my worries and stress that involve such a huge part of my life.  My current journey to live a happy life has bumps and this large bump will never go away.  It’s the permanent speed bump that slows me down here.

I do have hope though. On the news a few weeks ago I witnessed President Obama hug a woman who had cancer of the kidneys and who was also unemployed and uninsured.  This gesture and his speech had such an impact, I actually have hope that somehow or someway I will be able to afford healthcare soon.

But for now it’s like any other day, pursuing and living a happy life, one free of ER visits and one that will always miss peanut butter like crazy.


photo credit: Bob.Fornal

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“Here’s Your Future” by The Thermals

posted 23rd July 2009    Written by: Marisa    CATEGORY: All Posts, Marisa, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 1

I’m not quite sure how other people get motivated, but music does it for me.  My favs to wake up to and greet the world are a combination of The Thermals (local Portland favorites and overall some of the nicest people you will ever meet) and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.  They can kick your butt into gear with melodies, lyrics and general AWESOMENESS.

After visiting SXSW, I chose to have music as a priority in my life. This meant more shows and more time listening and appreciating all music, which let’s face it, I have all the time in the world now to accomplish.  But the definitive influence, the instrument that attracts me the most after listening to my favorites and newbies, is the drums.

I had a drum lesson today; probably one of my hardest to date, but it was amazing and enlightening to say the least.  I’ve been learning to reduce the regular eighth notes to quarter notes and it’s ridiculously hard.  It’s difficult to simplify a beat for me and remember and ingrain it in my brain with the measures and exact timing.

And I’ve been having another realization.  I don’t know if it’s the rhythm, the timing, the beats or even the sound of the hickory stick against my snare, but I’ve taken to and fallen in love with the drums and I can’t fathom stopping.

So my next step is to find/buy a drum kit.

Hmmm, wait, first I must find a space to practice since I don’t think my NW Portland neighbors would appreciate my raucous noise, and THEN I’ll find/buy a drum kit.  This is of course providing that I can afford the time and energy spent on this search while trying to find a job.  I’ve found jobs, many in fact, I just can’t seem to get one.  It’s the one with the hiring manager who looks at my resume, chuckles while reading my witty cover letter and decides to let me into his or her work family.

I go through waves of hope and doubt.  I get encouraged by seeing and reading so many postings.  I become excited over the details and fantasize about working for this or that company and daydream to my heart’s content.  But then I get the “Thank you for applying” email.  Or the “We’re sorry” phone call.  And worst of all, most of the time I don’t get any response.  This is when I go through the low wave, the sad depressing wave of recognizing a future that includes me moving back home to Reno and living with my mother.  Yeah…

What can I do… Okay, I just need to simplify.  Take my current eighth note measure life to a quarter beat.  I’ll get a studio.  I’ll sell my car.  I’ll have a fantastic garage sale.  I can do it.

…low wave slowly receding…

I’m not going to give up Portland without a fight.  This is where I want to be when I finally fall in love, or where I start my first indie rock band (BTW, it’ll be called Baby Chimp Hug Fest, oh yeah!), or to even hear that long awaited “Yes, you’re hired.”  Portland is where I want live a happy, beautiful life.

And it’s only been here where I can honestly say that yes, I’m finally marching to the beat of my own drum.

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It’s a Whole New World. Just not Disney-Aladdin-style.

posted 16th July 2009    Written by: Marisa    CATEGORY: All Posts, Marisa, Money, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 1

INTRODUCING MARISA

Self-realization is key.

I ignored self-realization last year despite knowing that I was unhappy with my career because it was just easier to stay with the comfort of a steady paycheck and not change.  I think fate changed it for me instead.

This past March I was “let go” from my job. It wasn’t really shocking or unexpected; I did the numbers and knew that despite company cutbacks my position was probably next and it was.

I decided to enjoy myself with this sudden free time.  I slept late, did absolutely nothing for days on end and lounged like I had never lounged in my life.  And after waking up very late one day, I looked at myself.  I was one lazy hot mess of nothing.  I had friends, great people who were happy with their lives who were not like this! I became instantly jealous.  It was time to change.

But it’s hard work.

Insecurity plagues everything and hides around every corner.  I was stuck somewhere in between the excitement of being able to do anything I’ve ever wanted and the depressing nature that I just lost my job and I was alone.

I had a choice to make.  Was I bound to be that horribly depressing creature on my couch or was I to get going and make plans that challenged me intellectually, physically and even emotionally?

I chose to do something that I’ve always dreamed of doing.  I booked a flight to Austin for SXSW.  If you don’t know SXSW, it’s an indie-rock fangirl’s dream.  I decided that visiting SXSW was going to be the beginning of my new life.  It was time. So I flew to Austin, had some of the best times of my life along with meeting some amazing people, and came back to Portland.  I also booked my first drum lesson.  And guess what, this girl has some skillz (that’s what my teacher says, I’m only quoting).

So, the question here: Am I happy? It’s the beginning of a beautiful summer here in Portland.  There’s new life, new friends and new experiences.  I am happy.  I’m happy enough at the moment we’ll say. However, I struggle with the pursuit of finding a new job.  I struggle with finding a balance of the positive and the negative.

Things are not going to be happy go-lucky all the time.  I recognize that, I even respect that, because true life is never without the crap and the bullshit that this world throws at us.  I get it.

But I’ve started something too big to ignore, too big for complacency.  I can have those crap days, but they’re not going to keep me down.  It’s begun, this journey. It’s going to be never ending, I know that now. The person I am today is not the same person I was three months ago.

Well, I’m still the same crazy cranberry, indie-rock, fabric loving girl… I just smile A LOT more.

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