Archive

Standing Up to Negative Self Talk

posted 10th April 2011    Written by: Juliana    CATEGORY: All Posts, Juliana, Season 4

I want to talk about The Voice for a bit.  You know. THAT VOICE… the one in your head that tells you things like

You suck.
Why are you trying this? It’s stupid.
Oh, Big Deal.  Like that’s even important.
and one of my faves…
Your parents will be so disappointed.

We all have this voice in our heads (if you don’t, god bless ya, please share with the rest of us that we may bask in your glory) and it usually pops up when we are starting to get really excited about things.

I’ve gotten pretty good at ignoring this voice, especially as part of my new dedication to Self-Care and through my creativity coach training, but it still manages to creep in at inopportune times.

Here’s what happened to me the other day:

Several months ago, I entered the Writer’s Digest Poetry Competition for 2011. It was the first time I had ever sent a poem off for potential publication, even though I’ve been writing poetry for many years. Up until recently, I would never have tried to be published at all, even though it was one of my secret desires (the deep down ones that you don’t even tell your husband until after a couple of margaritas.)
So, this contest.The past few years it’s gotten well over 3,000 submissions, and only the top 3 win any prize money.  The top 50 are published in a compilation.  I figured the odds were bad enough for me that it wouldn’t be much of a risk to send a poem out… I could just practice the act of submitting a poem and forget all about it because there was No Way I’d Win Anything.

Fast forward to a few days ago, when I got a notification that my poem had gotten 43rd place and I’d be receiving a certificate and an honorable mention. Oh, and, my poem would be published.
MY POEM WOULD BE PUBLISHED. Normal reactions to this news range from jumping up and down in your home office and baking a celebratory pie to calling everyone you know and popping the cork on a bottle of bubbly.  Alas, these normal reactions were not to be mine, because that VOICE, the little bastard, popped up almost immediately.

“43rd place?  And you’re supposed to be excited about that?  Please. 42 people did a whole lot better than you.”

I mean, seriously?! I got this really exciting news, something I never thought would happen, and my brain tried to rain on the parade almost instantaneously.  Luckily, because I’ve been practicing talking back to this voice and allowing myself to be comfortable with success a little more, I was able to respond this time.

JEEZ WOULD YOU FUCK OFF ALREADY, YOU JERKFACE?

Ok, it wasn’t the most eloquent response.  But you know what?  It felt awesome. I didn’t feel like jumping up and down in celebration right away, but gradually opened up to the idea of this Honorable Mention being pretty cool. A little while later, I called a few people to tell them, and then sat down for some celebratory tea. The Voice tried to show up a few more times, but I just yelled at it until it went away again.

Little by little, that voice is going to learn that it doesn’t want to mess with me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[photo: charliedayartist]

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Self-Doubt and Being a Crazy Woman

posted 19th December 2010    Written by: Lindsey    CATEGORY: Lindsey, Season 3, What I've Learned

Living out Big Dreams is so life affirming and exciting and beautiful, it’s ridiculous. I get to cross off a huge Life List item (Learn to Sail!) while I get a first-hand education in nautical navigation in the next months, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t question myself at times.

Am I being selfish? Should I stop being silly and get That Desk Job I hold in my mind as my end-all-be-all fallback solution? Am I wasting away my youth, living in isolation when I should be in a city, surrounded by people my age, having deep intellectual discussions in indie cafes and pursuing something that resembles a career? Am I missing out on a life I am supposed to be living because I’m stubborn?

And on. And on.

My largest fears are based on fear of failure, and fear of being judged for whatever failures I come by. Choosing to live an alterative lifestyle was a natural progression for me, but when I think about what I am missing back in The Real World, I begin to think – well… what if I fail… then everyone who watched my journey can finally have their last laugh.

As if all my friends and acquantances are watching me from a distance with bated breath, ready to point their fingers and have a big ol’ laugh when I come crawling back to society saying “oookay… I guess I want to take that job… I couldn’t do it… I couldn’t make it on my own…”

Yeah right. Like anyone out there is hoping I’ll fail. And if they do… VOODOO HEX! Zzzzzap! (I don’t really know where that came from, but you get my drift.) But it doesn’t stop me from being more scared of what people will think if I fail, than the actual failure itself.

Where Does This Come From?

Self-doubt, self-confidence, and when it gets really bad, self-loathing. These are my demons, my “Negative Nellie” as Molly has dubbed the inner voice that sits on my shoulder, dressed in red and devil horns, speaking sickly sweet nothings into my ears.

That’s the thing – no matter what, we all have this voice of self-doubt somewhere within. Something about being a girl makes it worse, I think. We spend our lives trying to fill so many roles – the beautiful seductress with the perfect body and fashion sense, the efficient homemaker that bakes badass banana bread while wearing stilettos and sipping red wine in her sparkling clean kitchen, the gender-barrier breaking modern career woman who rises to the top because – THANK YOU CIVIL RIGHTS – she can achieve anything she sets her mind to, the perfect girlfriend/wife with the storybook love affair. And the second that any of these things aren’t perfect, we start to feel inadequate.

As times change, what it means to be a woman has evolved into such a broad and undefined term, it’s hard to keep things straight. “Women are crazy,” say my male friends, but WHAT DO YOU KNOW I want to scream all batshit-crazy-like. We have a lot of things on our plates besides playing Halo and being good at sports.

OKAY, I know this is not how all men (boys?) operate, but I’m just saying, I think we have to work a little harder as women to meet our own expectations for ourselves. And this creates alot negative self-talk and doubt.

And Whats the Solution?

I’m the first to admit – I get caught up in my self-doubt a lot and it is hard as hell to get back to the happy-go-lucky optimism that preludes great breakthroughs, adventures and general life rocking. I recently posted the variety of tactics I use to get out my bad day funks, and these are the methods I apply to my self-doubt. Because, honestly, self-doubt is the root of most of my bad days.

Otherwise, I just have to remind myself: Breathe. Believe in yourself, Lindsey. Believe.

{photo credit : seyed mostafa zamani}


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Well, this is Embarrassing.

posted 4th June 2010    Written by: Molly Mahar    CATEGORY: Job/Career/Work, Molly

I could start off with a long drawn explanation of why I shouldn’t be sharing my struggles with you guys.  But I won’t.  I’m just diving in…

I’m in a creative funk. I’ve been avoiding blogging, writing, commenting, or tackling any sort of creative work that requires me to be on.  Because I feel utterly and completely off.

It sucks.  I don’t like it one bit.  It’s like I’m that desperate last girl in gym class, waiting to be picked for a dodgeball team, but somehow I’m forgotten, and balls start flying across the gymnasium, and all I can do is stand there and get pummeled.

It’s humbling.  And painful.  And oddly lonely because as the proud mama of this site, I get to watch amazing posts by the ridiculously talented Nicole, Heather and Katie go live, and I’m just sitting on the sidelines.  Stuck.

I don’t know if it’s Joy Equation burnout or the aftermath of reading basically everyone who attended Bloggers in Sin City‘s (which was an amazing trip!!) entire blogs or the unfortunate timing of my first big launch just as product launches are getting slammed by the internet cool kids, but it doesn’t really matter.  The end result is the same.

Stuck.  Unmotivated.  Stuck-stuckity-stuck-ville.  Wanting desperately for my creative angel goddess muse to visit again, but am afraid she’s totally pissed at me for something I don’t even know that I did.

And I don’t have enough experience under my belt in creative matters to know what I should do. Is it just a little writer’s block? Should I push through it, regardless?  Force myself to write every day just to get back into the habit? Or do I retreat for a bit and just relax, confident that my mojo will return?

What do YOU do?

I know one thing I must stop doing–playing the comparison game.  During these last two weeks of brick wall blank screen time, I’ve developed  this horrible habit of getting sucked into the internet vortex of blog/launch/life comparisons.

I read an amazing post and get jealous instead of inspired. I start letting my Negative Nellie run wild with “You’ll never be able to write like that” or “You’ll never have that many loyal followers” or “You’re just not good enough to make it as a blogger, coach, teacher, internet rockstar”.  My Negative Nellie is loud and shouty and likes to be right. And when I’m already feeling beaten down, she wins most of the battles.

Obviously, I know this is NOT what I should be doing. It’s one of those mind tricks that always leads to disaster and feeds all my inner demons.  But it’s like I can’t help myself.  Seriously.  It’s a new found addiction.  Internet spiral of comparison-fueled unworthiness.

The logical smarty pants life coach side of me has plenty of advice for the moping-I-just-want-to-wrap-up-in-the-Big-Man’s-sweatshirts-and-discover-new-shows-on-Hulu side of me.  But the mopey-lets-just-reply-to-email-and-reorganize-my-desktop side doesn’t want to hear it.  She’s stuck.

And being stuck sucks.

photo credit: throninside

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Tell Negative Nellie to Shut Up

posted 15th March 2009    Written by: Molly Mahar    CATEGORY: All Posts, Inspiration, Molly, Tips & Tools

I know this is a blog faux pas, but I apologize for slacking on posting.

Why have I been slacking? Good question.

I could list several reasons “why” that will impress you since I’m the big cheese over here: I’ve been asked to guest blog on so many sites I can’t keep up with my own, I’ve been practicing Vipassana mediation 2 hours daily, or I’m taking the Tim Ferris approach to doing as little as possible & still making oodles of money.

Unfortunately, none of those are true.

So, why haven’t I been writing?  It’s pretty cut & dry.  I was letting Negative Nellie talk me down.

She was all up in my face with her “Why are you wasting so much effort on this silly blog?” and “No one cares what you have to say”.  She was whispering in my ear, “F..A..I..L..U..R..E” and “Who are you to think you can create something out of nothing?” Read more…

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