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Quarterlife Crisis Anyone?

posted 1st March 2010    Written by: Katie    CATEGORY: All Posts, Inspiration, Katie, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 2, What I've Learned

I’m the exception to every rule.

No, I’m serious. Every. Single. Rule.

As women, we are expected to be emotional, prepared, successful, happy creatures who know exactly what we want and how to get it. I don’t know who created these expectations, but I want them shot, or at least put through a super-scientific experiment where we inject their lives with the Quarterlife Crisis.

When I heard about Stratejoy, I was, I’d say, 430% skeptical. I had bought every self help book there is to buy from every bookstore on the east coast. I spent countless hours sitting in my room, reading through books that tried to tell me how to get out of the slump that I was in based on other people’s experiences.

I don’t know if it’s me, but relating to others who have nothing in common with me just doesn’t work.

Before I committed to doing the Stratejoy Joy Equation program, and long before I applied to be a guest blogger, I decided to look into it a little bit more. I wanted to find the loophole where it said that the program was not for me. Maybe it was just for professional women;  Or married women;  Or women who knew what they wanted; None of which described me at all.

So… I read a few of the blog posts by Molly and her group of  Season One bloggers.

At one point, I had to get up and walk away from my computer.  Who were these women? How did they know exactly how I was feeling? You mean, I’m not a freak of nature? It was in that moment that I was sold on the idea of giving the program a try. If nothing else, to prove Molly wrong. To prove that there was someone out there that this program wouldn’t work for.

It might sound like I was being a bit negative – and I was.

When you go through a bunch of disappointments in life,  you learn not to expect too much from anyone or anything. I didn’t want to expect a life changing experience from Stratejoy, not get it, and be eternally depressed that I am truly a freak of nature who can’t be helped.

But I did it.

Within 3 hours, I had my first e-mail from Molly. A welcoming ‘hello’ and the very first writing assignment. I buzzed right through it, and waiting patiently for the next day. It was one of the first few assignments that knocked me out of the water and changed the way I looked at things forever. I was asked to recall the last time I was truly happy, and to describe how I felt.

Easy, right? For most people, sure. But not for me, not the exception to the rule. I realized after 30 minutes of steady thought cramming that I wasn’t able to remember when I was happy. Or how I felt when I was happy. Or anything with the word happy in it. Except Happy Gilmore. Awesome movie.

It was in that moment that I made the realization that I don’t pay enough attention to the moments in which I’m happy, and I focus a lot on the negative. This was a powerful thing for me to realize, and since that revelation, I’ve focused a lot more on living in the moment and being totally open to all of my emotions, especially happiness.

And that realization came on the third or fourth day. I still had 20+ days to go.

The Stratejoy program was a month filled with laughter, tears, life decisions, and mending. All of my life questions weren’t answered at the end of the program, but I do feel like I know what I want next, and how I need to go about doing it.  I had made a new friend in Molly, who when she called me for our “Jam Session”, was easier to talk to than I had ever imagined.

The other day I was talking with a friend and we got to the game of “20 Questions”. He asked me what person inspired me most in 2010. I answered a proud, “Molly Hoyne. Because her Joy Equation helped me find myself underneath the years of pain, frustration, and fear. I now wake up and am excited to spend the day with myself. That says a lot for someone who hated her skin for years.”

He replied; “So really, your most inspiring person is yourself.”

Touche, Friend. Touche.

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The $480 Anger Theory

posted 18th February 2010    Written by: Katie    CATEGORY: All Posts, Inspiration, Katie, Season 2, What I've Learned

I never really considered myself an angry person, so when I was seeing a therapist last year and she told me I had “anger issues”, it took all of the energy in the world not to kick her in the head walk out.

She, of course, could see the hostility in my face, and she went on to explain that I don’t have a violent anger problem;  I do the exact opposite.  I hold it in and direct it internally, which is equally as damaging – but only to myself.

She then asked me to define anger. I said something obvious like “to be mad”. She kept pushing me to refine my definition, telling me that I was naming emotions, but I needed her to shine the light on it.

“Anger is not getting what you want.”

It took me a few moments, weird looks directed at her, and thoughts about how she was a quack, but I eventually understood.

All of the times I’ve been angry, it’s been because I’ve not gotten when I wanted. Whether it was attention from a significant other, silence when I’m trying to work, or money when I’m low on funds,  it’s been because whatever I wanted, I wasn’t getting.  The anger part of it all was simply an emotion.

I had to go to the root of the problem to solve it.

That same day in therapy I made some breakthroughs and realized where my anger was coming from. It could be attributed to regressing all of my feelings from childhood. I felt kind of… free when I realized this. My therapist was super supportive too. She even “promoted me”.

“I think we should meet once a week instead of once every other week.”

It’s funny how the same words coming from a potential love interest would have me smiling from ear to ear, but coming from Dr. Mental Sortout, I felt like the slow kid in class who had to stay after school and be enrolled in “Special Gym”.

(Yes, special gym exists. My 4th grade gym teacher made me go because I wasn’t able to run a mile or bend all the way down and touch my toes like the other kids. Hello, “not being good enough” complex.)

For as long as I can remember, when I would wake up in a bad mood, or a not-so-awesome moment strikes me, I’d  instantly get huffy and puffy about it.

I hate being in a bad mood and I’m not afraid to show it, even if it means that I give the people around me little dose of New Jersey attitude. It doesn’t exactly make the situation better, but when I’m in a bad mood, I don’t want to see other people’s shining and glorious faces. It’s like eating lots and lots of candy in front of a diabetic – sad and cruel.

Especially when you’re the diabetic, or in my case the angry one.

In honor of my therapist’s brilliant breakthrough I figured I would humor her and give her whole theory a whirl. After all, I might as well make the most of that $120/hour that I’m spending on each (then weekly) session. If the reason for anger is the fact that I’m not getting what I want, then why I don’t I just, you know, get what I want. I decided that the next time that I was angry, I would try and pinpoint what it was that I wasn’t getting, and find a way to get it.

I found myself getting pretty angry at a lot of things. The house was too noisy for me to work in. Instead of screaming and yelling for quiet, I put some relaxing music on my iPod (Kenny G. Don’t Judge Me) and worked through it.

I found myself angry that I didn’t have any money to go out on a Friday night. Instead of becoming a whiny little girl, I decided to take that Friday night to find some freelance side jobs and put that money into a “Girls Night Out Fund.”

I was angry because I had a horrible headache, but had a lot of work to get done. Instead of sitting in front of the computer angry, straining my eyes and head further, and being non-productive, I took an Excedrin, took an extra little nap and e-mailed my clients and told them I was under the weather.

So, I had my anger in check. Score!

And it only took me $480/month to figure that out.

Recently I’ve found myself in more bad moods than good moods. Even the bright sunny days have me down in the dumps and wanting to disappear under the covers. According to the “Therapy Theory of Anger”, I’m apparently not getting what I want.  Surely, on rainy days, I’d rather have some sun.

However, I can’t control this. I wish I could. So, maybe it was something deeper. What the heck was it?

After some soul searching I figured it out.  When I was going through my depression last year, I spent my days just trying to get from one day to the next. Now that I’ve “come out of it’, living day to day just isn’t cutting it.

I want something else, I want more,  I’m not getting it, and I’m pissed about it.

This realization doesn’t have a solution.

But I’m working on it. Instead of sitting around wondering where the universe it going to take me, I’m taking life by the balls and making things happen. I’m saying ‘yes’ to things I typically wouldn’t.

I’ve decided to move clear across the country next year to a city I’ve never been to, and don’t know anyone in. Are these the things that I want? Maybe.

But there’s only one way to find out.

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Learning to Let Go of the Past

posted 4th February 2010    Written by: Katie    CATEGORY: All Posts, Katie, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 2, What I've Learned

INTRODUCING KATIE

I had a moment that changed the way I think about everything

I was blindsided by the Quarterlife Crisis, but in retrospect, I can pinpoint moments as far back as high school when I could have realized it was coming.

When I was 17, when everyone else was studying and prepping for college, I was working full time hours and had a much older boyfriend. I met him at work, he gave me the attention that I always wanted, and he had me at “you’re adorable. I love being around you.”

From there, it was a tumultuous 5 years filled with some ups, mostly downs, cheating, and financial ruins.

After I finally let that relationship go, but not enough to say I was ‘over it’, I dated a man closer to my age, without any experience. Anywhere. (Catch my drift?) He was into Psychology, and loved to analyze every hair on my head. I was interested in psychology and I liked to analyze him right back.  He was a student, he had a car, he had a job, he had a future planned that at times would include me.

I loved him, but had a difficult time showing it. Eventually we got tired of fighting, and we broke up. After a brief rekindle, we broke up again for good.

This breakup rocked my world, and not in a Michael Jackson kind of way. It was more of a “put my tender heart in a blender” kind of way.

2 months later,  last December, I got hit with a layoff.  The job that I was content with, at best, decided that they weren’t content with me, and let me go. The economy was horrible, I had no education, I was getting over a breakup, I was alone.

Everything had fallen apart, and I had no relationship, job, or education to lean on.

Super freakin’ Duper.

I lived the next 6 months in a depressed spending-haze. Unemployment checks would come in, and I’d head right out and buy things that I surely can’t remember or show you now. It felt good in the moment, but as with all unhealthy things, it ends up being something you lean on for support, but it doesn’t really do you any good.

As I spent those days, months, weeks, and years in emotional confusion and turmoil, I really didn’t grasp how much time was passing. Living for the moment worked for me, but I think I relied on that too much, for I didn’t make anything of those moments.

I gave up on opportunities. I started projects and never finished them. I accepted my depression and figured I’d just live with it forever.

I had a moment about a month ago that changed the way I think about everything. I was driving past my old high school, and each time I do, I do a little math in my head and think of how long it’s been since I “graduated”.  I realized it’s been 7 years.

7 years of feeling sorry for myself. 7 years of making excuses of why I would never make it. 7 years of unwillingly sabotaging myself of having a life that I deserved. In that moment I realized that it was time to not only live in the present, but to make the best of every moment.

So, here I am. I’ve made the realization, and am now trying to figure out what I want. I’m learning to be a little bit more selfish and a bit less selfless at times. I’m learning how to find my inner-most desires and making them happen. I’m learning to let go of the past, in order to make a happier future.

I’m learning to be me.

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Injecting a Little Passion in my Life

posted 3rd February 2010    Written by: Heather Rae    CATEGORY: All Posts, Heather Rae, Job/Career/Work, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 2

INTRODUCING HEATHER RAE

As life goes, I used to think I was doing things right.

Now, I’m not so sure.

I went to college, then grad school – I got a solid education.  I studied things that interested me, but I wasn’t necessarily following any great passion.  I was trying to be practical.  I should also confess that I was trying to make other people happy. If I wasn’t attempting to impress a professor, it was a boyfriend or some family member.

After being out of school for a while, life really looked good – on paper, that is.  I worked at a prestigious university, had a seven year relationship with a wonderful man, lived in a sought after zip code.  Yet, I looked around, and something just wasn’t right.  All that time spent impressing someone else left one person completely unimpressed – me.

So I decided it was time to make change.  What kind of change?  I had no idea.  I just knew I needed to inject a little passion in my life.

First things first, I had to figure out what to do about my career.  My job might have looked good on a resume, but it certainly didn’t look good on me.  It was boring.  Really, really, mind-numbingly boring.  The good thing about doing work that made picking my hangnails seem entertaining was that I had a lot of time to think.

So I did just that.

I researched, examined, even tried out, nearly every job that seemed remotely interesting. I read every career guide on the library shelf.  I took quizzes in magazines, had a psychic read my fortune and met with a career counselor.  They all told me the same thing:  my personality suited science and research. 

What? Seriously, that’s what I already did.  The career path was logical, practical and, it seemed, perfectly matched my natural tendencies.  Only, I was miserable.

So in the midst of all this career planning, and a seemingly endless lack of ideas, I did something different.

I stopped looking and took up hobbies.  I took classes at night at a local community college.  I started reading voraciously.  I took hula dance lessons and pole dance lessons.  I took drawing classes and bought books about art.  I started blogging.  I started writing.  And that’s when it hit me.

I fell in love with the idea of creating something. I wanted to write, make art, dance.

Of course, now that I had this newfound love, what was I supposed to do with it?  I’d always been told all this creative stuff made for great hobbies, but it sure as heck didn’t pay the rent.  Only a select few got that lucky.  And I wasn’t one of the lucky ones.

But then I had this thought:  why not? That’s right – why couldn’t I make a career out of writing novels or painting canvasses?  What made me limit myself to jobs that seemed practical?  There was no good reason.  I realized it was all just fear.

I told my fiancé about my wild ideas, perfectly ready to accept the disparaging look he was sure to give.  But instead, he cheered.  He said I should do it.  He was behind me 100%.  Wow, maybe I am one of the lucky ones.

So here I am, staring fear in the face.  I’m turning it all upside down.

As of last week, I officially quit my job.  I’m giving myself one year in which I’ll attempt to have it all (I would give myself a lifetime, but I really do have to eat and pay the rent) – I’m working to finish a novel, exploring the possibility of selling my art and finding time to travel.  I want to sleep under the stars, soak in hot tubs in the snow, go cycling, go rock climbing, go skinny dipping, learn another language.  I want to do all the things I’ve dreamed about but never had the guts to try.

Maybe I’ll fail.  But at least I’ll fail trying.  And perhaps – just maybe – I’ll be wildly successful.

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Can I Have the Last 24 Years Back?

posted 2nd February 2010    Written by: Nicole Antoinette    CATEGORY: All Posts, Nicole Antoinette, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 2, What I've Learned

INTRODUCING NICOLE ANTOINETTE

No one told me my Quarterlife Crisis would come with so much tequila.

I grew up on the move – Los Angeles, NYC, London, back to Los Angeles, back to NYC, back to Los Angeles. A whirlwind coming of age tour in the world’s cosmopolitan wonderland.

I did everything right. Aced high school, worked part time, rocked the extra curriculars, got into NYU, aced NYU (while still working and still rocking the extra curriculars), fell in love, fell out of love, made friends, lost friends, lived the life I had always been told I was supposed to live, graduated (a year early) with $50,000 in debt and a piece of paper that claimed I was summa cum awesome.

And then I cried.

Because I was 21 years old, in possession of one of the best educations student loans can buy, and all I had to show for it was a box of theme party costumes and a big fat hole where my life plan should have been.

The three years between then and now were filled with a lot of shenanigans- emotional, sexual, career wise and the like. I ran a children’s day camp for five summers, helped start a create-your-own cookie shop, worked an inhumane amount of hours, moved around a lot, broke two hearts, made a bucket full of bad decisions, came crashing into the reality of my mood disorder, started a blog, started therapy, and finally realized that the things I loved about my life didn’t outweigh the things that made me want to burrow into the ground and hide.

And then all of the sudden it was August 26, 2009 and I found myself quitting everything to live the life of a professional nomad, traveling around the country, crashing on couches, and trying to answer the big question:

What is authentic happiness and how can I start taking regular intravenous doses of it?

Three months went by; three months of seeing new things and meeting new people, three months of not having a routine, not having stability, and not having a definitive source of income or a guaranteed place to do laundry. The new things were great, the new people even better, but after three months I realized that life at the other end of the super-Type-A spectrum kind of sucks.

So it was back to Arizona, back to my parents’ house, back to slow cooked meals and late night talks with my mom about what, you know, the hell I was going to do with my life.

That was four weeks ago, but in the context of my story it feels like another lifetime. Four weeks ago, I woke up, realized that no one was going to hand me the life that I wanted, got in my car, drove to San Francisco, checked into a hostel, and jumped into the freshest of fresh starts, the kind where there is no backup plan and it’s time to fight like your life depends on it, because it does.

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