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Like Summer Camp, Only Cooler

posted 6th November 2010    Written by: Renee    CATEGORY: All Posts, Events, Renee, Season 3

It looks like we’re halfway into this Stratejoy blogging gig and you’ve all been dutifully following our up and downs, trials and tribulations. I told you how terrified I was to start grad school and teaching.  I told you how money gives me an ulcer.  I told you my hopes and dreams.

So where are we now?

Midterms are over, marking one of the most hectic periods of my life.  This also marks the second half of my first semester of grad school.  I’ve made friends.  I’ve established a routine.  I’ve actually gotten all my shit done.  I’ve taken time for myself.  I’ve battled stress migraines. I’ve discovered the Bruno Mars station on Pandora.  I’ve paid off half my credit card debt. I’m so close to creating the perfect mac and cheese recipe. But the best part?
I signed up to cross something off my life list.
I registered for improv classes at Second City Theatre in January.

This is a goal I had barely admitted to myself… to study at one of the famed Chicago improv theatres.  I quietly added it to my life list with little pomp and circumstance. I told no one. Until one day, I checked out Second City’s website… and realized the week-long class was within my budget.  Then I started telling people. “I think I’m going to sign up for a class at Second City.”  I was worried about the reactions… I anticipated hearing, “Why?” or “Do you think you’ll learn anything?” or “Do you think you’re good enough?” or “What’s the point?”
Instead I heard, “Oh my goodness, we’re going to see you on SNL!” and “I’m so excited for you!”  And boy oh boy did that announcement get a lot of “likes” on Facebook!

Though my Sarah Palin impression rivals Tina Fey’s, I have no aspirations of the SNL stage.  In fact, I have no aspirations of any improv stage.  Improv in front of an audience terrifies me… but I’ve always wanted to try. Whose Line Is It Anyway was my go-to sick day show. I took improv in college but it wasn’t what I anticipated. I wanted more. I wanted to study under the best.

I thought, “Who knows how much longer I’ll be this close to Chicago? This might be my last chance.”

So I took the opportunity.  I’m doing this class for myself.  In January, I’ll spend a week in the city for me.  It’ll be like summer camp, only cooler.

{photo via drurydrama}

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Finding My Fun

posted 9th October 2010    Written by: Renee    CATEGORY: Love/Relationships, Quarterlife Crisis, Renee, Season 3

Writing about what I do for fun proved to be far more difficult than one would anticipate. The short answer to “What do you do for fun, Renee?” Well, um, nothing.

You see, fun requires friends and time… two things that my life is lacking at the moment. Sure, I have my moments. But for the most part, my existence is spent feeling over worked, underpaid, and so, so tired.

One of the biggest themes in my Joy Equation was to “find my fun.” I used to be a pretty happenin’ chick in undergrad – throwing myself raucous birthday bashes, partaking in too much eggnog at the Christmas soiree with the boys, jumping up and down to “Since U Been Gone” and knowing all the words to the latest Miley Cyrus song, dominating beer pong but preferring flip cup… Somehow between graduation in 2008 and now I’ve lost my fun. I now prefer pajama nights on the couch with the newest episode of Chuck with my hubs and my cat and maybe a glass of pinot noir.  Even at the three weddings we went to this summer, I had one or two amaretto sours before calling it a night. I’m in bed by 9:30pm. I’m up by 5:30am. I really feel like I’ve lost my fun.

I’m on a mission to find my fun. I know it can’t be too far. I found it hiking on the shores of Lake Superior this past August. I find it in my kitchen making dinner for a friend or two. I find it next to my husband at a bar with greasy pub food. I found it at the opening Notre Dame game (before the Purdue fan threw up on us).  In finding my fun, I would first need to find better time management skills or someone to take my job(s) or do my homework.

I’m looking for more. I need a bit more skip in my step. I could use a heart-to-heart over sushi with a new friend. I would like a bit more weekend adventure.  I could really go for a giant chocolate martini. I really want to spend a long evening playing board games, like right now.

But there’s just not enough hours in a day.

In the meantime, I’ll find my own fun in my walks across campus, ridiculing awkward undergrads in my head. I’ll find my own fun in the podcasts I listen to each morning while I drive to school. I’ll find my own fun in the dreams that occur when I fall asleep on the couch reading my homework. I soak in the evenings I’m home to cook dinner and veg out with my hubs and cat. I’ll squeeze in a lunch date instead of catching up on sleep or homework. I’ll prioritize better and put fun just a little higher.

[photo: Erin Parker]

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Money. Guilt. A Work in Progress.

posted 25th September 2010    Written by: Renee    CATEGORY: Job/Career/Work, Life Lesson, Money, Renee, Season 3

Money. Oh dear. Just thinking about it gives me an ulcer. Writing a post about it makes me weepy. This post breaks my own heart.

As a waitress and a grad student, I don’t have a lot of income. My wonderful husband has a Real Job, which pretty much keeps a roof over our heads. (An overpriced, very finicky roof.) We splurge on HD TV and iPhones because football season and smart phones are important to us. But we’ve had to cut way back on a lot of things.

For a couple that used to go on weekly or bi-weekly dates to restaurants or bars, we rarely go out anymore. In fact, just today we went out for breakfast, our first meal out in months. That bacon-spinach-mushroom skillet was incredible.

Thinking about money always makes me feel guilty. It’s the reason I run myself ragged teaching, taking my own classes, and waiting tables. If I don’t work my ass off then I’m not holding up my end of the bargain. If I don’t burn my fingertips at the restaurant every weekend, if my legs aren’t too sore to stand, if my email isn’t blowing up from my students, if there isn’t a stack of research on my desk then I feel like I just haven’t earned that latte. And those half-priced jeans? Don’t even think about it. I constantly struggle with the guilt of spending. I don’t even get to the point of buyer’s remorse because I never actually buy.

One of my Big Goals is to be financially comfortable and we’re just not there. Here’s the thing, though. I very well could treat myself from time to time, more often than I actually do. I justify all purchases. “When I finish my first paper, I’ll browse Old Navy.” “When I put all my laundry away, I’ll look for winter boots.” “When I make over $100 in tips, I’ll treat my husband to Ben & Jerry’s.”

Yes, there’s a pattern here. Because even if I browse Old Navy or look for winter boots, I don’t actually get anything. I’ll browse Old Navy and carry five new shirts around the story, only to put them all back (unless one is 80% off and only $4). If I look for winter boots, I’ll search Amazon, Zappos, L.L. Bean, and Overstock for weeks only to decide last winter’s boots aren’t that worn out. And I justify the Ben & Jerry’s by telling myself I’m satisfying my husband’s craving, even though the only person who touched that pint of Dublin Mudslide is me.

If I spend any substantial amount of money, I just don’t feel like it’s earned. I just don’t feel I earn enough in this household. It took me weeks to justify the $60 I spent at Gap in August. Even though it was $60 for two pairs of $70 jeans on sale with a coupon. Even though I literally had no jeans that fit me correctly. Even though I needed jeans for school. It hurts me to spend anything when then amount I bring in is minimal.

Will I ever feel comfortable spending money? Will I ever actually treat myself? Will I ever legitimately splurge? Will I ever earn enough to feel comfortable? These are the questions that loom. I look forward to the day I can treat myself and not beat myself up over it for the following week.


[via procsilas]

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My Happy Places

posted 18th September 2010    Written by: Renee    CATEGORY: Inspiration, Life Lesson, Love/Relationships, Renee, Season 3

Where do you find the time to be happy and grateful? How do you claim me-time, me-space, me-rejuvenation (mejuvenation?) in a schedule that is so structured that it seems to run on its own? How do you slow down to appreciate all that’s swirling around you?  I’ve been struggling with appreciating life’s recent gifts to me.

I’ve been blessed with so much recently – the chance to further my education, the responsibility to teach classes of my own, the intellectual challenges I’ve been craving, sharing an office with like-minded individuals who share the same drive, diving into such thought-provoking and inspiring research, balancing school life and work life and home life successfully, not to mention an incredibly supportive husband who has really provided me more encouragement than I ever knew I needed. How do I acknowledge all the love, passion, and inspiration that constantly surround me? How do I do it justice?

Recently, my husband and I have gotten into the habit of saying (well, more like sighing), “Happy place.” Is it one of those stupid newlywed-esque things to do? Of course. Do I love it all the same? Hell yes.

Lately, my happy places have been on the couch, next to my husband, beer in one hand, cat between us, football on the television. Or sleeping in on the weekend, a cool breeze coming through the bedroom window, the smell of autumn kissing the air, and the promise of an unplanned day. Or settling in with a book for class that I actually enjoy, a cup of tea on the coffee table, a purring kitty at my feet. Or stuffing myself with sushi and leaning back to groan, “Ughh…. Happy place.”

Truthfully, my happy place consists of my husband, a delicious beverage, my fuzzy cat, and contentedness that goes beyond reflection. There’s no need to reflect on everything when it just feels like it’s all in place. Everything is going in the right direction. The puzzle pieces are starting to fit together. The fog is beginning to lift. It’s okay to forget the swirling world around me to take a moment to sigh, “Happy place.”

In the chaos of every day monotony, I find it refreshing to the soul to really commit to a moment. Just one moment. Just a moment to recognize that things are better than just all right and the hard work I’ve been putting in is all worth it. Just a moment to give a nod to the universe for bestowing so much good on me. Just a moment to appreciate it all.

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Am I Woman Enough?: An Update

posted 11th September 2010    Written by: Renee    CATEGORY: Events, Job/Career/Work, Renee, Season 3, What I've Learned

Since beginning this blogging gig for Stratejoy, I have started grad school.  If I had been honest about it, I was absolutely terrified to go back to school. My first week was spent trying to hold down my breakfast because I was so nervous. I thought for sure someone was going to discover I was a phony, not smart enough, not good enough, not motivated enough to be a grad student.  I proved myself wrong.

So far, my classes are challenging, the work is rigorous, and I’m surprised how much I love it.  I’m excited to drive the 45 minutes through corn fields and wind farms to get to my giant university each morning.  But the best part of my graduate school career? I’m teaching two sections of Public Speaking to undergrads.

No, I’m not just a teaching assistant. No, I don’t just grade papers. No, there’s no supervisor in my classroom. I’m in front of the classroom, giving assignments, giving lectures, holding office hours, creating lesson plans, and shaping the minds of undergrads.

It’s amazing.

Recently, we spent a class discussing ethics and responsibility in public speaking. My students blew me away. We talked about Tiger Woods, Dr. Laura, Westboro Baptist Church, BP, and Rod Blagojevich. Maybe my expectations were low because the class I teach is required for all undergraduates… but I really think my students are wonderful, engaging, and driven. I’m head over heels for my 50 students.

My routine has shifted. Rather, I actually have a routine now.  A part of me is so excited about this, feeling like I should be preparing for something every moment I have free. The other part of me is panicked, admittedly.  A routine? With importance? You mean I have to go to class every day? Can I do this?

I find, though, that I am most productive and feel best about myself when my time is scheduled well. I leave my house every morning by 6:30am. Some mornings I teach class; some mornings I attend my own classes. My afternoons go by too quickly. On the mornings I teach, I often catch a 45 minute catnap to keep me going. I spend the rest of my day doing homework and lesson planning. On the mornings I attend class, I have evening classes as well. I’ve been hanging out on campus, attempting to find the best study nooks. My lovely mother sent me a Starbucks gift card to get me through my first week. That first Thursday, I found a good parking space with a path that led directly to Starbucks. I used my gift card to get my morning coffee and God bless the treat receipt, because that $2 grande iced chai got me through my three-hour night class. The routine, though rigorous, has been so refreshing.  The productivity makes me feel worthy of this life.

Looking back on the weeks, I know I made the right decision in going back to school. Sometimes, I still feel like maybe I don’t belong, maybe I’m too old, too settled, too domestic to be a student again. But when I’m in front of my 25 students at 8am on a Monday, the fact that I am absolutely thrilled to be there is what makes everything perfect.

Can I do this? Of course I can. And I plan to do this for the rest of my life. I am, indeed, woman enough. Rawr.

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