Archive

Little Girl, New World

posted 21st October 2011    Written by: Kristen    CATEGORY: Kristen, Life Lesson, Love/Relationships, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 5, What I've Learned

My Quarter Life Crisis brought with it a serious self-image problem.

Before the QLC, my lively, optimistic attitude came through in whatever I was doing. The QLC lessened that greatly and made severe self-doubt and indecisiveness my middle name. It was hard to make decisions about anything in life. It was exhausting not just because I knew I was changing and that I didn’t like what I was changing into, but more importantly,  I was so awesome and on top of things while at work that I felt like I was living two different lives. Work Kristen couldn’t figure out how to make at-home Kristen a rock star too.

Now that I’m figuring out what I want for life, I’m still really uncomfortable, unsure, and painfully filled with self-doubt at times. I see people my age or younger who seem to have it all together. They have great jobs, awesome wardrobes, fun and impeccably decorated homes, and go to brunch on Sundays.  Even though I have the great job and somewhat decent wardrobe, I still feel a little like Jennifer Garner in Thirteen Going on Thirty- the little girl who is pretending at the adult table and playing house.

I sort of have a multiple personality issue when it comes to my self-confidence it seems.

It really is sort of strange in that regard because at work, I know that I’m on top of my game. I will admit a bit of a self-confidence issue when it comes to speaking up to propose a new idea (though I can be quite vocal against bad ideas and with my opinion) and I have definite confidence issues when it comes to networking. I don’t speak up because I doubt what I have to say is interesting or will come out articulated the way it sounds in my head. At conferences and workshops, I know how important it is to network and make connections within the field, but I’m not great at that first comment or saying hello to a stranger, though once introduced I can usually talk shop with just about anybody.

I’m great at public speaking and feel confident doing it- in fact in high school and college, I was on the debate team, winning awards and going to nationals. But I don’t really like being the center of attention. At the annual exhibition opening when the executive director mentions me, I usually want to hide beneath the furniture. I didn’t want to open presents at my bridal shower because I hated everyone looking at me and judging my reaction (I also have other issues with bridal showers but that’s a whole other topic!) This past spring I was on a local morning television show promoting my exhibit and have to this day, never watched the entire segment all the way through.  I spent almost the entire first semester of grad school thinking they made a mistake in accepting me and that I didn’t belong.

My sense of self and who I am came to a bit of a realization last night when I realized I now live alone. In a house that I own by myself. I’ve never lived alone. I’m 28 years old and finally don’t have to share a bathroom with someone, can blare any music I want, and don’t have to ask for another opinion on curtain colors. It’s so exciting- and terrifying too. Can I take care of and maintain a house on my own (a historic one, no less)? A brief cry and freak out moment was followed by talking with a friend who said, “Kristen, you’ve been doing it on your own for a while now.” And it’s true.

So here I am now, realizing that I am fabulous on a number of levels.  I’m working on finding ways to boost my self-confidence: writing, going out and trying new things, meeting new people, asking colleagues to introduce me to people at conferences, and making decisions on my own. Basically realizing that I’m 28 years old, not thirteen, and that I can do or not do whatever I want—obvious I know, but to me and my nagging self-doubt, it’s empowering and really exciting .

Already in a short period of time, I’m feeling more aware and joyful. I’m not jumping back into the dating pool any time soon because I’ve started a new relationship with someone I’ve known for a long time and lost touch with a few years ago—me.

[Photo Credit: Home Management Houses, Iowa State University]

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In Sickness and In Health, I Vow to Love Myself

posted 5th September 2010    Written by: Lindsey    CATEGORY: All Posts, Inspiration, Life Lesson, Lindsey, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 3, What I've Learned

The trip I took all over the country makes more sense when you hear the whole story. But the version of this story that is easy to tell (Hawaii! Yoga! Snowboarding!) doesn’t give the exact picture of how life really is.

The version that is harder to talk about is the one that involves my newly defined, lifelong quest to find health, despite spending my entire existence believing that I would be sick for the rest of my life.

A Diseased Reality

I don’t have cancer or AIDS or anything omigosh horrible. But I was raised on prescription pharmaceuticals for “incurable” allergies, eczema, thyroid imbalance and athsma. Mmmm, dinner conversation. Or not.

People who knew me in my previous life, the one where I had a clear cut plan to be an engineer, only picked up on these ailments when they were around me for a while. My NEED to find my pills or ointments at some point during the day. My propensity to lotion application on a way-above-normal level. Athsma and sneezing attacks in kitty-filled living rooms. Late night trips to Walgreens.

A large portion of my adolescence and early 20s was spent filling prescriptions, worrying about heathcare costs, and buying infinite useless products from the health section in the rural Michigan shopping mecca, WalMart. I was sick, and that was my life, and I accepted it. For the first 23 years, anyways.

Getting Real

So now that that is out there, we can take a brief travel update to include the health aspects of my journey: Hawaii was all about getting off the pills and changing my diet. Oklahoma was spent eliminating every possible food allergen that could have caused these diseases, and living like a health goddess. Tahoe was about finding peace and happiness in my mind, healing my disease using positive psychology and healing affirmations.

Hawaii was amazing. But there were many times I spent scratching my itchy eczema skin raw and sobbing and calling myself Frankenstein and hating everyone that called me a leper and generally being pitiful. Not stories you generally take home from your trip to paradise. Oklahoma got me focused, but I was incredibly isolated, because all I did was religiously stick to my rice and beans diet, filling journals with detailed notes about my health. Tahoe… when I got to Tahoe and started to look inside myself a little more… that was when everything changed.

Through it all, I found something within myself, an answer to everything.

Self-Love

Love is confusing. There’s Hollywood-love that we watch in movies all the time. And relationship-love between happy couples. And friend-love that make cross-country road trips and crazy stories all the better.

The most important love for me right now, is love of myself. Every aspect of my sickness and disease are better if I love myself. The healthy lifestyle choices, like yoga, and eliminating processed foods, make huge differences, but aren’t enough if I still have a “fuck the world I hate my sickness” attitude. In a larger scope, eating well, and getting in touch with your passions and inner monologue are essentially self-love practices.

I chose 3 One-Year Goals when I finished my Joy Plan at the end of August, and my first one is practicing Self Love every day. Because, seriously, no matter what, if I sit down and meditate for 10 minutes, and I look in the mirror and affirm that I love myself and am totally awesome, and then I make myself food that nourishes my whole body and then practice yoga and do something that makes me feel alive… I’m not sick.

Back to the Quarterlife Crisis

My crisis is defined by my need to find balance between this girl who feels a need to share everything learned about health and healing chronic disease and this girl who is still trying to figure out how to live this health out sustainably, while enjoying life fully. I came home because I had found the answers and needed to find a way to incorporate them into my life. The first thing I did back in Michigan, was get my final thyroid test after having the drug out of my system for 6 months. It was fine. I was free of my ball and chain.

CRISIS MODE – NOW WHAT?!?!?! This is around the time I was to be found miserable at my parents house, trying to figure out what the sweetbejesus I was going to do with my life.

I’m at a very curious tipping point, where I feel like I have found the answer to everything I was looking for in regards to my health, but haven’t a clue how to turn it into my life. I’m confused and mad as hell at doctors and the pharmaceutical industry for putting me through years of unnecessary treatments. I hate the industrialized food industry for creating endless cases of allergies and eczema in children throughout the country. I feel like I’ve stumbled upon some giant conspiracy. (But I hate listening to conspiracy theories and feeling like the world is out to “get us” so I’ll try not to get all “aliens are poisoning us” on you gals.)

So while I let the dust settle from all these crazy revelations and experiences, I practice self-love daily. I curiously revel in the idea of relationship love, but I know, from experience, that until I can be stable in this “I am healthy and I love myself” attitude, inviting another person into my life will only make things more difficult.

Love is more simple and complicated than anything.


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Being Myself. No Matter Who That Is.

posted 25th March 2010    Written by: Katie    CATEGORY: Katie, Love/Relationships, Season 2, What I've Learned

When I walked into my Student Psychologist, Mrs. R’s office during my Freshman year of high school, I had no idea what to expect.

I was hoping, at the very least for her to tell me how to stop feeling like a stranger in my own life, an issue that little did I know, would haunt me for years to come. The very first day that I spoke with Mrs. R, she gave me a mantra. After discussing my feelings of inadequacy due to my boyfriend at the time (who was 10 years older than me) and cheating on me constantly, she asked me to repeat after her;

“I am lovable, and loving, and deserve to be loved by a man who loves only me.”

I looked at her cockeyed.

She insisted that I repeat it. I did. Twenty times. She then told me that I had to write this mantra over and over, 100 times, and turn it into her the next day. She also asked me to focus on how it made me feel to say this.

She told me to think about the things that make me doubt that statement, and keep those in mind when I write it.

Whatever, lady. I came here for help, not homework. Despite my negative attitude and lack of expectations, I did it. About halfway through, something miraculous happened.

I began to believe it.

This says a lot for someone who had zero self-confidence. Something clicked and made me realize that no matter what anyone did to me, said about me, or thought about me, I was who I was, and there are people out there who this will be good enough for. Wasting time with people who don’t respect you, understand you, or allow you to be YOU is a waste of your time and theirs.

I wasn’t cured in that moment.  This was still Freshman year. and I was still depressed, and had a very serious life decision (literally) ahead of me.

I would run into another issue, that still affects me now;  trying to be myself with people who I care about but don’t agree with my personal beliefs or actions.

I dated a man for a year and a half who I loved and thought was ‘the one’. The problem? My writing, my political preferences,  and friend selections, among other things–weren’t the same as his. The first time I introduced him to one of my best friends, my best friend vetoed him immediately.

“He’s not for you, Katie. He’s too different. He doesn’t appreciate who you are so much as he wants to change you.”

I ignored it, and dated the man who continually wanted me, as long as I wanted the same things that he wanted. The man who believed in me as long as I believed in the same things he did. I started to be okay with changing myself, pretending to be something I wasn’t, as long as it meant he would love me.

Fact: He loved me…but only IF [insert stipulation here].
Translation: He didn’t love me. He loved who he wanted me to be.

Inevitably we broke up. It was one of the most difficult experiences of my entire life, because when we broke up, I had become so used to being whoever he wanted me to be, that  I had no idea who I was.

After months and months of a deep depression, I finally went back to basics.  Back to freshman year of high school with Mrs. R.

“I am lovable and lovable, and deserve to be loved by a man who loves only me.”

“I am who I am.”  Whatever I was feeling was okay, because they were my feelings. Whatever I believed was okay, because they were my beliefs. I owned the words “My” and “Mine” and made them very personal. I took pride in saying things that began with “My” or “Mine.” Even now, before I say anything about myself and my personal stance, I rethink it before I say it.

I ask myself  “Is this who I am? Or am I just saying it to be accepted?  Believe in what you’re saying, and be honest.”

I literally sat down and got real with myself. With pen and paper in hand, I wrote down who I was, beginning with my name, and went through each area of my life that had meaning. From family values, to the way I like my steak cooked, I wrote it down. I posted different facts about me all over my house.  Some on my refrigerator, a few on my my bathroom mirror, and others on my front door. In a world that is constantly telling us what to do, or who to be, it’s important to remind ourselves of the only person we ‘should’ be.

The person we’re best at being – ourselves.

“I am who I am, I’ve been through what I’ve been through, and these things make up the person that I am, which is wonderful.”

Being myself, no matter who it is, has been a difficult lesson, but most rewarding. How do you learn it? Find out who you are, and be who you are, no matter what. Don’t be ashamed of your beliefs, preferences, or views. They are yours, YOU are yours.

Find out who you are, and own it.

And if you’d like to claim it here in the comments, who am I to stop you?

*photo credit: shaybonham

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Risky Business

posted 4th January 2010    Written by: Marisa    CATEGORY: All Posts, Inspiration, Marisa, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 1

I’ve always been fascinated with people who have an extraordinary amount of self-confidence.

And it’s not the selfish narcissistic shallow, physical self-confidence that is mostly defined in our society.

For me, it’s the assurance of oneself that he or she can do anything and everything (mentally and physically). That’s the self-confidence that I envy the most, the one I’ve been searching for, for pretty much an entire year. And I found it.

Well, I didn’t find all of it, if there’s even a logical count for it all. It’s fleeting sometimes, in perhaps all aspects, but BY JOVE, I’ve got some alright.

26 years is a long time to be searching… I would have benefited with an early discovery in high school and most likely it would have helped a lot in college, but I’m grateful for what I’ve got now. This discovery or self-fulfillment may sound trivial to some and even unimportant to others, but I never realized before how important it is to have a positive belief in oneself, not just to ride the wave of encouragement or support from others. This form of confidence has to come from within.

A sensitive pride is hard to protect with so many outside influences and factors. I used to spend a lot of time not believing in certain ideas and dreams and thus quitting many activities. It was just easier to quit before I even dared to risk.

And now things are different.

I have my Quarterlife Crisis in part to thank for that. With being involved more in High Scores and Records and my job, my efforts are totally paying off because I took those risks. I start my new Logistics Specialist position tomorrow at lucy and even though I literally have NO idea what I’m getting myself into, but I’m gonna risk it. I have a feeling it’s going to involve a lot of acronyms and international shipping codes.

A new year has arrived; memories of 2009 will soon make way for 2010 and there will be plenty of opportunities to build that self-confidence for the unmarked year.

photo credit : desiree delgado

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