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Self-Love is the Best Love

posted 17th September 2010    Written by: Alisha    CATEGORY: Alisha, All Posts, Family, Inspiration, Life Lesson, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 3, What I've Learned

I have a confession to make.  That’s not really me in that bio picture at the bottom of the page.  I mean, it’s me, but it’s not.

In the Black hair community they call it “The Big Chop.”  I had contemplated it for over a year and on one cold night in January, I did it.  I took a pair of scissors from the kitchen drawer, quietly closed the door to the bathroom and went to town.  With several bold snips I went from about 14 inches of hair to 1/4 of an inch of hair.  Now, why in the world would I do this?

First, a very brief and incomplete Black history lesson.

Remember the landmark segregation case <a href=”http://www.loc.gov/exhibits/brown/brown-brown.html”>Brown v. Board of Education</a> case?  They used this study in their argument:

Dr. Kenneth Clark Conducting the “Doll Test”

In the “doll test,” psychologists Kenneth and Mamie Clark used four plastic, diaper-clad dolls, identical except for color. They showed the dolls to black children between the ages of three and seven and asked them questions to determine racial perception and preference. Almost all of the children readily identified the race of the dolls. However, when asked which they preferred, the majority selected the white doll and attributed positive characteristics to it. The Clarks also gave the children outline drawings of a boy and girl and asked them to color the figures the same color as themselves. Many of the children with dark complexions colored the figures with a white or yellow crayon. The Clarks concluded that “prejudice, discrimination, and segregation” caused black children to develop a sense of inferiority and self-hatred. courtesy of The Library of Congress website

It is hard to believe that with all of the social progress we’ve made over these past 50 years, this sense of inferiority and self-hatred still exists.  Being Black was never beautiful.  And our hair?  Not acceptable.  It’s hard to change the color of your skin, but you can change your locks, you hair, your mane, or whatever you choose to call it..

Let me use an analogy that may be more relatable.  The media bombards us with images of women with photoshopped bodies and faces.  Our subconscious convinces us that is what other “real” women look like so we develop eating disorders and pay thousands of dollars for creams, undergarments, (dangerous) drugs and surgeries to become this supreme version of a woman.  This is what black women do with their hair.  We spend thousands of dollars on very, very dangerous chemicals that are applied to  our scalp to achieve that straight and silky look.

Ok.  So here is why I pulled a Britney.

RE-DEFINING BEAUTY.  I wanted to raise a big fist to The Man; to make it known that I now realize that I have been lied to.  My hair–the hair that grows out of my head–is good hair.  It is good hair because it is my hair and I want to love all that is me.

HEALTH.  Relaxers contain corrosive chemicals.  Corrosive meaning that they can disolve fabric, plastic and skin.

FREEDOM.  I needed to be free from the emotional baggage that was attached to that hair.  I believe that your hair holds energy and a lot of this energy was negative.  As I started to cut away, I felt lighter and lighter and lighter.  And when it was all gone, I felt so incredibly free.

MY DAUGHTER.  My little girl is bi-racial.  I have no idea what her hair is going to look like.  But I want her to be proud of it (and her eyes, face, body, mind).  I need to be an example of a strong and proud woman.

These reasons are sound pretty righteous, right?  And I really do believe in them, however. . . . The truth is, that over the past couple of months I started to hate my hair.  I was not prepared for the psychological battles I would have to fight.  You should have seen the looks on people’s faces when they saw me post-chop.  I could see them searching for the right words; afraid to say the wrong thing, they often said nothing at all.  Each morning I stood in front of the mirror trying to comb through my thick, coarse hair, frustration mounting with each tug and pull.

Lately I have been tempted to go back to the relaxer, convinced that with straight hair I am prettier, sexier, more sophisticated.  But as my resentment continued to build, it seemed as though more and more people started to comment about my daughter’s hair.  “Wow, if her hair stays likes this, she’ll be so pretty,” they said.  “Her hair is so soft, it’s so pretty.  I wonder if it will stay this way?”  Hearing that over and over again reminded of why I needed to stick through this.  Growing my hair out in its natural state–loving myself and my hair because it is genuinely me–is one of the greatest examples of self-love that I can display for my daughter.  Because, what if her hair doesn’t stay that way?   What if it changes and becomes as coarse and thick as mine?  I want her to know that she is still beautiful despite the texture of her hair.  I will no longer consider my hair to be a burden, a dreaded task through which I must suffer.  No.  It is my labor of love.  It is process of self-care and self-love that will continue to teach me and inspire me to stay true to my self.

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How to Be Free: A Beginner’s Guide

posted 26th October 2009    Written by: Molly Mahar    CATEGORY: All Posts, Inspiration, Molly, What I've Learned

be free molly b hoyne 2009 CR

Letting go of expectations is hard.  Giving up some of the control we  exert over every part of our life takes practice.  It’s a exercise in freedom.  In flying wild.  In accepting surprises and quirks and amazing gifts that land in our laps.

So how do you be free? I’m no expert.  But believe me when I say I’m practicing letting go every single day.

How to Be Free: A Beginner’s Guide.

1. Let go of expectations regarding success.

Forgive yourself if you suck at letting go of expectations.  Try again.  And again. Ponder and journal and over analyze the orgins of your expectations.  Who first told you that you had to go to college and get a job and make a lot of money to be successful?

Let go of figuring out who first told you that you had to go to college and get a job and make a lot of money to be successful.   Instead, spend your time thinking about how you want to be successful.

Ask yourself questions about what you want to contribute to the world. Questions about what you have to share.  Questions about how you want to show up each and every day.

Realize that you loved going to college. Make a gesture of gratitude for whoever told you to go to college.  Let go of the expectation that going to college equaled success.  Understand that it was part of your journey, but just the first little itty bitty part.

Realize that maybe, someday, you would like to go back to school.  But it will be because you want to, not because you should.

Realize that you really liked some parts of your assorted jobs that you were “supposed” to get. Accept that you’ll probably never want to go back to a “job.”  Say a quick memorial for 401ks and employer covered health insurance and meetings spent doodling on your steno pad.

Let go of the general consensus that not having a “real job” makes you a bit odd.  Realize that for you, success doesn’t mean playing it safe and having a “real job”.  Savor the fact that you understand yourself so well. Even when it’s hard, you know what’s right for you.

Let go of everyone’s expectations towards success, except your own.  Once you’ve figured out your version, jump in!  You are free! Don’t forget you can towel off and start over if need be.  It’s all part of the journey.

2. Let go of expectations regarding beauty.

Take a long look at yourself in the mirror.  Accept all your beauty.  Accept all your perceived flaws.  Try really hard to remember that they are not flaws.  They are you.  And you are beautiful.

Forgive yourself if it’s really hard to let go of your learned expectations of beauty.  We’re surrounded by fashion magazines and TV shows and commercials full of society’s definition of beauty.  Resolve to stop buying the magazines and watching the shows if they make you feel less worthy.

Stop looking in the mirror for as long as you can.  You’re still there.  Whole, contributing, dancing, showing up, leaning in.  Resist the urge to look “just in case”.  Practice feeling beautiful, strong, present without relying on on confirmation from the mirror.

Realize that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  Realize that the only beholder you have control over is you.

Practicing saying, “I am beautiful”.  Practicing believing, “I am beautiful”.

Understand there is so much more to beauty than the size of your jeans, the length of your lashes, the cool factor of your style.  Let go of unrealistic expectations combed from media, your mother’s neurosis, your girlfriends better whatever, your own striving towards perfection. Let go of striving.  Live.  Love.  Accept.  Relax.

Realize this is hard.  Practice for your daughter’s sake.  Understand that accepting your own beauty means you are free.

3.  Let go of expectations regarding happiness.

Catch yourself every time you play the if, then game.  If I get this promotion, then I’ll be happy.  If he asks me to marry him, then I’ll be happy.   If she @’s me on Twitter, then I’ll be happy.  Realize this is a trick you play on yourself. An evil, disappointing, unrealistic trick.

Happiness is an inside job. Happiness is not nearly as dependent on outside factors as our expectations have led us to believe.

Shower yourself in love.  In acceptance.  In understanding that quirks and passions and taking an active role in your own life is what brings about joy.  Let go of what others say “should” make you happy.  Practice understanding what tickles you, makes you smile, gives you the sense of being gloriously alive.  Hot? Cold?  Only you know.

Realize that you are happy painting your days away in your pajamas.  Realize that you are happy on a walk in the autumn leaves.  Realize that you are happy winking at the gas station man.  Understand that it’s okay to be happy.

Allow yourself to wake up happy every morning, regardless of the situation, instead of waking up stressed out and anxious about the day ahead of you.  Practice this until it feels normal.

Start doing the things that make you happy more often.  Let go of the expectation that this means you are selfish, flighty or wasting time.  Stop doing so many of the things that make you unhappy. Understand that it feels odd.

Share your new outlook with others.  Be okay with the fact that many of them will say they “can’t” stop doing the things that make them unhappy.  Hope that someday they’ll realize that they can.

Accept that by taking control over your own happiness, you have set yourself free.

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