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Conquering the Mission Holding Me Back

posted 29th September 2011    Written by: Dusti    CATEGORY: All Posts, Creativity, Dusti, Quarterlife Crisis

I’ve been grappling with writing this stupid manifesto for months now. I’ve known it’s needed written since May. I’m really excited to write it and share it with the world! But somehow, it keeps getting pushed to the backburner. Why?

Well, honestly, a couple of reasons.

I don’t have a solid grasp on what it needs to say. I want this short piece to form the foundation of everything else I do from this point on. The holy grail of my blog. The big idea – the mission – that inspires everyone else to get onboard and go with me wherever this crazy train goes.

That’s pressure. Self-applied pressure, granted, but still. What if I decide to change course midstream? Will my people still be behind me? Will they still be interested in sharing a mission and taking it to new heights on different levels? Will they even like the idea I start with?

For any of you familiar with the StrengthsFinder test, my chief strength is input. That means I absorb information like a sponge. I’m great at synthesizing ideas, but I have issues standing behind an idea or way of thinking for long because I’m constantly analyzing and adding new information.

Okay, confession time.

I’m afraid of commitment. Not like I can’t hold down a relationship type of commitment. It’s more like I’m terrified of committing to an idea or belief system. And it’s starting to hold me back.

That’s why I’ve been holding off on writing this thing. It’s a statement of what I believe and what I’m looking for. And being in the midst of a QLC, these are the major things I’ve been struggling with. Most of August, I felt like I was stuck and had no idea which direction to go next.

That’s when I started the Joy Equation. Now, being a writer in the lifestyle design niche, I’ve seen a LOT of personal development guides like it. I’ve even started a few of them.

But, as I started to go through the exercises, I found that I wasn’t just engaged – I was smiling the entire time I was going through the guide. Even with the tough topics, I was so happy just to have it written and out of my system! What a relief. I did think something – something I could stand behind without any doubt.

Like my values! I thought I had them pretty well refined, but it turned out I had been operating under limiting beliefs of sorts. I’d never given myself room to explore what my values looked like in a larger context. The definitions helped, too. Defining something makes it easier to understand and implement.

Here’s what I came up with:

This was such a massive discovery for me. I knew freedom, adventure, and community were important to me, but romance was like finding a missing link.

It was everything I could never find the words to describe before. I knew I was passionate, but finding such a perfect word was empowering and revitalizing. It was like, “Holy crap! I can finally explain to my partner why little things are so important to me!” It was a revolution for my heart.

So here I am now. This is me presenting what I believe without question. The first words in my manifesto are…

“I believe you are beautiful, brilliant, and unique beyond any doubt. There is nothing you can’t do, and there is no situation you can’t overcome.”

Because it’s my truth. And I can commit to truth.

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The Quarterlife Crisis is Real

posted 3rd December 2010    Written by: Alisha    CATEGORY: Alisha, All Posts, Job/Career/Work, Life Lesson, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 3, What I've Learned

Mention the phrase “quarterlife crisis” to someone over the age of 45 and they’re likely to laugh and roll their eyes.  Then, if you’re lucky, they will tell you that your generation is selfish, spoiled, dependent, lazy, and self-indulgent.  “When I was your age, I worked two jobs, was married, owned a house and fed 3 children!” they might say.  We kids have made up this quarterlife crisis thing because we just don’t want to work hard.

That’s rather insulting and Jeffrey Jensen Arnett, a research professor of psychology at Clark University in Massachusetts, agrees.  Arnett’s main focus of research is in the area of development, specifically “emerging adulthood.”  He has conducted various studies of individuals in their late teens and twenties in order to demystify this challenging period of life.  According to Arnett, emerging adulthood is characterized by these key features:

it is the age of identity explorations;

the age of instability;

the self-focused age;

the age of feeling in–between;

and the age of possibilities.[1]

Tell me that doesn’t sound like you—or any of your friends.

Your parents and their parents may not have had it very easy, but our generation faces some unique circumstances.  We grew up during the Clinton Era, one of the most affluent in US history, which gave us high expectations for our experience in the “real world.”  Yet the reality is that right when we were about to head off into the land of golden opportunity, our dreams were dashed by downsizing companies, outsourcing, bursting real estate bubbles, thieving CEOs who drained bank accounts, and the exponentially increasing costs of higher education.  Pension plans and employer 401k contributions are rare, and we probably won’t see any social security.  People are marrying and having children at a much older age, thus lengthening the time between graduation and “adulthood” and that feeling of being “settled.”  And, ok, so maybe more and more of us live at home with our parents and our salaries barely cover the bills—but don’t despair.  There is some light in this tunnel.

Our generation has also experienced one of the largest technological booms.  My first cell phone was a tiny Nokia with like, a 16-bit screen and all you could really do was make phone calls and text.  Oh, and there was DOS.  Remember audio-cassettes?  If you didn’t know how to read maps or hadn’t memorized “Never Eat Soggy Wheat,” then you were S.O.L.  Now you can send emails, listen to music, find the nearest coffee shop and then tell 100 million people what you ate at said coffee shop all from a little piece of plastic that’s the size of your palm.  I mean, wow!  We’re no Jetsons, but we’re pretty damn close.

As technology expands, so do our horizons.  Through the internet and cable television we can see how the other billions of people on this earth live.  We no longer connect with just our friends and family, but with the whole world.  Access to information is instantaneous (at least for much of the developed world and non-communists countries).   We can run a business from our home.  We can run a business out of a hotel room or on a boat or on a space ship if we’d like.  It’s no wonder we are confused, overwhelmed, depressed and won’t settle down!  One of the worst things about having options is that if there are too many, you become paralyzed.  However, we. have. options.

So you want to know what I really think?  I really think that deep down, the people who scoff at us are really just jealous. They are jealous because they let their vibrant years slip past them in a haze of “yes sir”s .  Instead of blazing their own trails, they blindly followed others through the forest.  They didn’t question authority and challenge convention.  And now, they feel trapped by the lives they allowed others to create for them.  That must suck.  Hopefully that will not be us.

This period in our lives—the quarterlife crisis, emerging adulthood, whatever you want to call it—is not self-indulgent.  It isn’t laziness.  It isn’t selfishness.  We are being responsible.  We owe it not only to ourselves, but to the world to become leaders and freethinkers.  Yes, by taking this time to connect with ourselves, and remember our core values (if you don’t know them yet, The Joy Equation can help you with that!), we can become of service to the world.  This journey is about gaining self-awareness.  The discovery of our gifts will allow us to shine.

Even though this quarterlife crisis thing is a pain in the butt, it’s just another step we have to take to become the adults we want and need to be.

[1] http://www.jeffreyarnett.com/windingroad.htm

(photo credit: emerging photographer and my brother Clarence G. Richardson III)
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Morning Bliss: The Best Part of Waking Up

posted 3rd September 2010    Written by: Alisha    CATEGORY: Alisha, All Posts, Family, Life Lesson, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 3, Tips & Tools, Travel, Travel/Adventure

Each morning I rise, give praise for the rays of light.  Sun salutations, cat poses, savasanas.  The warmth of the chai spreads through my chest, into my arms, down my legs.  The air inside is still; the only noise I hear is the gentle hum of the refridgerator as it toils to keep the food cold during these dog days of summer.  With a pen in hand, I scribble all my thoughts and dreams from the days before.  Every penstroke is a gentle caress on the smooth, vanilla bean paper.  My head and heart empty, ready to recieve the gifts the present day may bring.

O. M. G.  I wish.  This is how it really goes down:

Right around dawn, my daughter screams.  She doesn’t whimper, she doesn’t cry.  She screams at the top of her lungs.  I nurse her, lay her back down in her crib and cross my fingers and toes in hopes that I can get just forty-five more minutes of sleep.  I make it back to my own bed, curl up into the fetal position and pull the blankets over my head.  32 minutes pass by and at 6:47 a.m. she is ready to begin her day.  I change her diaper, get the coffee started (extra-strong please!), make her oatmeal, wash a few dishes and sweep the floor as I wait for my son to emerge.  At 7:02 a.m. he stumbles into the kitchen, rubbing his eyes and muttering something about dinosaurs.  He demands animal crackers for breakfast.

“I don’t think so little man.  How about cereal and milk?” I ask him sweetly.

“Mmmmm.  Eh-eh.  Animals.”

“Toast and butter?”  I say as I look him sternly in the eye.

“Eh-eh!  Animals!”

“No.  Cereal and milk or toast and butter?”  Hunched over and with a raised eye-brow, I repeat his options.

“Animals!  Animals!  Animals!” he protests while jumping up and down, much to the dismay of the neighbors below, I am sure.

I mean, really.  I have not had any coffee yet, I am still in my underwear–literally–and at only 7:08 in the morning, Time Out Number 1 is underway.  It is totally not the zen-filled morning I so desperately crave.  Take this morning, repeat it 4 days a week, and multiply it by 52 weeks in a year.  That equals 208.  208 out of 365 days of my year start out this way.  So it is no wonder that when I dream about my “perfect” life, I am usually alone.

According to my therapist, this is because I don’t vacate.  I do not make the time to do those things in which I take delight.  So this week, I am taking my therapist’s advice and vacating.  Well, vacating as much as I possibly can with a husband and two kids.  We are off to Colorado, my friends!  Seven days and six nights away from home, in the bright sunshine and crisp mountain air.  And while I am there, I will make time for myself.  This is not a plan, this is a promise.  I am making a promise to be kind to myself…to allow myself to vacate (at least a teensy little bit) because I know that upon my return I will be renewed, refreshed, regenerated.

I recently finished working through Week 1 of The Joy Equation and I had a breakthrough.  It was the kind of breakthrough that made me feel strong, empowered, brave, ready to take on the world with clearer vision.  You see, at the end of Week 1, I made a list of 8 core values.  Molly calls our core values ”the Habits of our Heart.”  She couldn’t be more right.  Through Week 1′s exercises I realized that a lot of the pain and suffering I had experienced over the last five or six years was kind of my own fault: I made choices that discounted my intuition and casted my values aside.  (Okay, that and the whole bi-polar thing too.)  It was a slap in the face, but I welcomed it.

I decided that I was ready for some fun again. I want to get back to a little bit of that old “Alisha”.  Old Alisha was fun, a little more free, and a lot happier.  So, on this vacation, I am going to vacate my old ways; I am going to reintegrate my core values into my life and into my choices.  I think life will be more fun that way.

photo credit

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Confession: Moving Did Not Make Me Happy

posted 14th May 2010    Written by: Katie    CATEGORY: Katie, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 2, Stratejoy the Biz, What I've Learned

I’ve been moved into my new place for a little over a month now. I thought for sure this would be it; the end of my long battle with depression. Over the last few months, I did some intense soul searching and discovered some things that I wasn’t happy with in my life and made a commitment to change them. Number one on my list was my living conditions.

The opportunity to move in with two awesome roommates presented itself, and I jumped on it.

I pictured my move in day in my head a million times. It would be similar to Carrie walking into the apartment of her dreams with Mr. Big. (Shameless Sex and the City reference. I’ve been reliving the entire season on DVD courtesy of Netflix. And now I’m constantly making references, or pretending my life has a voice over like Carrie Bradshaw. “…And then, I made dinner. And then, I watched a sappy love flick. …and then I whipped out my rabbit, and thought, ‘is this what life has come to? Dinner, a Movie and Sex. Alone?’)

…moving on….

I pictured my move in day to be perfect. I’d walk into the house and all of my troubles, fears, and bad memories would disappear. We’d all sit around and play board games every night, and whenever I had a problem, I’d sit down and talk to my roommates and we’d find a solution. At the end, we’d hug it out while 90′s love ballads  played in the background. And I’d live happily ever after.

My move in day came and I excitedly packed my things and moved. No one was home to welcome me, and no one helped me move. I did it alone. I’ve taken part in a lot of moves, and the majority have been big parties of people drinking beer and eating pizza. Then, sitting around a table playing cards.

That didn’t happen for me at all.

The days that followed my move in weren’t what I thought they’d be either. My roommates both work many hours, and I work from home, so for the most part I’m alone. Which, ideally may sound great but I’m literally in bed right before or after my roommates get home from work. We don’t play board games around the kitchen table.

I haven’t shared my problems with them yet.

I haven’t shared it with you guys over the last few weeks, but I’m going to now; I’ve been having… just a tough time. Several times people close to me have caught me staring off into space and said  ”Katie, where are you? You look like you’re in your head.” They’re right. My mind is constantly going. Moving wasn’t enough to make me happy. I want more. I need more. I deserve more.

I need to make a confession right now. I never finished the Stratejoy program. I started it, did a decent amount of it, told Molly I wanted to blog on behalf of the clan of twenty and thirty somethings, and I just… stopped. I was in a happy place, and I stopped. You might not consider this a big deal, but I feel like I’ve been leading you all on. How many posts have I encouraged you all to do the program? How many times have I said it saved my life, literally? These claims aren’t lies, not in the least.

However, I never got the full benefit of the Joy Equation: A 30-Day Guide To Living Life On Purpose. Because, like most things, I didn’t finish it.

So, what does this have to do with my move and being miserable?

How I realized that I wanted to move was by making a list of things I wanted to change. As I said, Number one was moving. I did that, and while it was liberating and made a big difference, I stopped there. Soon, my “new house” wasn’t my “new house”. I’m not introduced as the “new roommate” anymore. I started my list, but stopped. I felt good for a moment and tried to live off of that life high forever instead of constantly creating new experiences.

It takes a lot of courage to start something, but it takes even more to keep on going with it.

Here and now, friends, family, people I haven’t met, I’m making a commitment. Two, actually.

Number One: I’m moving on to number two of my “Life Changes” list. “Save $1000 over 6 months by not going out as often.”

Number Two: I’m heading over to get another brand new Stratejoy plan today and I’m going to complete it, beginning to end. Can you do me a huge favor? Will you do it with me? I kind of like being held accountable, and if I know others are doing it too, it encourages me to stick with it. Kind of like running. Or streaking through the streets of Philadelphia.

Just kidding about the last part.

Kind of.

Come on. Will you do it with me? (Yes, Of Course! /  No)

…I dare you to click ‘No.’

If you are doing this with me, leave me a little comment here, so I know who you are, and can have us T-shirts made with Molly’s face on them. Nothing says “I love you” like wearing someone’s face across your boobs.

At the very least, promise me that you’ll take the next step in something in your life right now. Maybe it’s your life list. Maybe it’s the next step in a home/apartment remodel. Maybe it’s the next chapter in the novel or memoir that you’re writing. Whatever it is, promise yourself that you’re going to move forward.

And when it doubt, remember to just take the next step.

Sometimes it’s a blind leap, but take it anyway.

*photo credit: aesum

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Expectation Mania and the Danger of Measuring Up

posted 3rd May 2010    Written by: Molly Mahar    CATEGORY: Molly, Quarterlife Crisis, Tips & Tools

It’s nearly impossible to live life on your own terms…

Your parents expect you to get a good job. The dating pool gives you the stink eye when you’re not dolled up appropriately.  Your alumni chair sweetly requests updates of you getting promotions, marrying, saving the world or having adorable babies.

Society practically demands that you buy into the bigger/better/more consumerism that is kept alive by the promise of “fixing” you or “purchasing” your way to utter coolness.

What about what YOU want?  How can you even tell with those expectations in your face every single day?

“We expected more of you.”

“If only you’d live up to your potential…”

“What will people think if you do that?”

And it’s not only outside forces that we’ve got to contend with… Frequently, we’ve internalized that expectation mania and our inner dialogue is chock full of shoulds, and have tos, and don’t fuck this ups.  Ever think to yourself, “I won’t be a real grown up until I make 70K”  or “Once I get married, then I’ll be set”?

Sorry sunshine, life is not measured in checking off expectations.  If you’re traveling through life on autopilot, trying to do everything “correctly” without ever taking the time to decide how YOU REALLY FEEL ABOUT IT, you’re not living life.  You’re acting a part.

There is no right way to live.  There is only YOUR way.  And as long as that way doesn’t hurt others, allows you to be a kind and just person, and challenges you to go after your heart’s true desires, you owe it to yourself to get really clear about what YOUR way truly looks like.

Every day is another day to make deliberate choices about how you want to show up. Please, for the love of your own authenticity, stop trying to measure up to society’s expectations, or the Jones’, or your parents, or your college roommate’s version of life…

Get really clear on your true desires, your intrinsic motivation.  Clarity is ridiculously freeing.  When you know what YOUR version of success is, you can stop wanting things you don’t want.  You forgo measuring up, and instead, radiate delicious you-ness.

Take a stand against expectation mania, Tribe.  This is YOUR life.  Create your own path.  Dance to your own beat.  Stop caring so much about what others think about you.

Try caring about what YOU think about you.

p.s.  I’ve got some SUPEREXCITING news regarding The Joy Equation! You’re going to LOVE it!  Especially if you need a little assistance getting really clear about your definition of success…  Stay tuned for the excitement & if you’re not already signed up for the eNewsletter (upper right of this page)- get on the list!  Special goodies coming next Thursday!
photo credit:  KTvee

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