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The Feminist In Me Is A Romantic

posted 14th October 2010    Written by: Marian    CATEGORY: All Posts, Life Lesson, Love/Relationships, Marian, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 3

Most of my identity is defined by feminism. I was raised by two feminists, concentrated in gender studies at school and spent a year writing my thesis on how and why college-aged women define themselves as feminists.

While I’m of the mindset that a feminist can be a stay-at-home-mom or a high-powered executive, I’ve always fallen into the category of “independent woman who isn’t sure if she wants to get married.” I despise engagement rings, preach about the sexism in romantic comedies and will occasionally blame “men” as if a penis defines fifty percent of our population.

Yet I’m also a Twihard. Dated one guy for seven years and have been with another for (sort of) three. I want lots and lots of babies. I like the occasional bouquet and cried like a baby during The Notebook. Deep down, the feminist in me is a romantic.

Looking back over the past year of my QLC, love has been the turning point of my life. Regardless of my “hardcore” feminist tendencies or inability to fuse those two sides of my personality, love is the entire reason I am where I am and I do what I do.

I’m not saying a feminist can’t move across the world for love – far from it. I think – I know – a feminist can do whatever the hell she wants. It’s her attitude towards women that matters (read this amazing post by my friend J. Maureen of Gen Meh). Still though, I guess I never thought I’d be the kind of girl who would do what I did. Drop everything. Fly across the Atlantic. Move in with a guy I hadn’t spent any real time with in over a year.

Needless to say, it was a big change. One I don’t regret for a single second.

I know everyone says this, but when we’re on our deathbeds are we going to remember the major career accomplishments or the relationships we made? The people we loved?

Love taught me what the Quarter Life Crisis is all about. What being authentic is all about. It also taught me “what really matters.”

What really mattered wasn’t my job or my geographical location or money or what everyone else was doing. What mattered was Sam. Realizing I was allowed to pick up and go simply because I was happier with him was the hardest realization of my life, but also the easiest decision to make.

While it’s always been a bit of a struggle to make peace between The Feminist in me and The Romantic, I’m slowly coming to terms with the fact that I can be both. If I ever get married (Big “If”), I can do it without selling my soul. I don’t have to ever change my name. I can raise my sons and daughters in the way my parents raised me. There is no either or. No one or the other. The feminist in me is a romantic, and it’s finally okay by me.

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How to Spend Your Personal Resources on what Really Matters

posted 15th June 2009    Written by: Molly Mahar    CATEGORY: All Posts, Life Lesson, Molly

(We’re in the middle of a 3 part series!  By the end of this series you’ll have a handle on what the phrase “Living Life on Purpose: A Gutsy Girl’s Guide to Success” means, ’cause we’re going to break it down, bit by bit.  Did I mention these posts are interactive?)

Read Part 1 here:
Calling all Gutsy Girls!

And then on to Part 2:
Living Life on Purpose…

HOW DO YOU LIVE LIFE ON PURPOSE?

Living life on purpose has been my theme for 2009.  I call it “Living Deliberately” but it amounts to the same thing: making conscious choices about how I spend my time, my energy, my money & my care.  It’s the alignment of my core values with my schedule.  I haven’t been doing an incredible job, but I remind myself that every small step forward is helping.

Every time I choose to make a new connection, instead of just kicking back, I’ve lived a bit more on purpose.  Every time I read a new book to inform my practice, instead of watching America’s Next Top Model, I’ve lived a bit more on purpose.  Every time I choose to respond with love, instead of annoyance, I’ve lived a bit more on purpose.  Get the picture?

Now, the question is…  How do you start?  How do you spend your personal resources on what really matters?

I think there are three steps to start living life on purpose, which all require some reflection.  But really, that’s all they require!  Well, reflection and then appropriate action..

Step 1.  CONNECT: Who are you outside of others expectation?  Who are you when you strip away your job or your family roles?  Find a way to stay in touch with your authentic self- whether it’s keeping a journal, posting a personal mission statement, or connecting daily with your core values.

Step 2.  EXPLORE Why do you do what you do?  Many times we find ourselves in a schedule that has nothing to do with our authentic self.  We know deep down that we are a creative soul who loves keeping a clean house & dancing to 80′s buttrock, but we slave away at our accounting gig, collecting dust bunnies because we’re too exhausted to do anything about it & trying to keep up with the new it indie bands. PAUSE!  Why are you doing the “stuff” you do?  Was it because at one point it served you?  Does it still? Examine your schedule with a magnifying glass.

Step 3.  MAKE DELIBERATE CHOICES We have just a few resources that we truly control.  Our time, our energy, our money & our care.  Are you spending them on the right things?  On the right people? I firmly believe we don’t have to do anything…  You don’t have to stay in that job.   You don’t have to stay in that relationship.  You don’t have to slave away at the gym to validate someone else’s perception of attractive.   You have power to make changes in your life, both large & small.

ACTIVITY:

I bet a few of you feel overwhelmed.  I’d advise joining us for a Lifestyle Design Workshop if you really want to dig into this “life on purpose” practice!! In the meantime, I’ll share a simple way to start putting this practice into place.  Start by identifying just one value you’d like more of in your life.  Some of example of values include balance, creativity, strength, connection, abundance, determination, etc, etc. Once you’ve picked the value you’d like more of– Can you adjust your schedule so that you honor that value & spend less doing something that irks you?   More painting, less saying “Yes” to needy pals?   More time at yoga, less time living vicariously through reality stars?

Of course you can!  This is your life after all!   Start small.  Focus on just one value until your ability to make deliberate choices with your personal resources gains some ground.

COMMON CHALLENGES:

Do you find yourself coming up with excuses on why you can’t make a change to your schedule or your life?  What are some of the things coming up?  Might they be time, money, fear, others’ opinions?  Living on purpose forces you to come head-to-head with these roadblocks.  Instead of focusing on all the reasons you “can’t” do something, I’d like to push you to focus on all the reasons you “can”.  What strengths do you have that will help?  Who’s in your corner?  Don’t you have examples of other times in your life when you made things happen?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?
This is the interactive part!  Leave your answers in a comment!

•    What is the value with which you would like practice living on purpose? Why?
•    What are all the reasons you must honor this value?  What’s going to make it easy or hard?

I’m excited about hearing what you want more of in your life.  Do share, you gutsy girl, you!

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