Archive

Learning To Trust Myself

posted 13th September 2011    Written by: Ashley    CATEGORY: All Posts, Ashley, Life Lesson, Season 5, Travel, Travel/Adventure, What I've Learned

 If I’m going to be completely honest (and isn’t that the point of this?), I must tell you that when I moved to France after college, it wasn’t all sparkly lights and hot chocolate.

The truth is, I was terrified.

I was terrified to leave Texas, my family, my friends, and my boyfriend at the time. I was scared of moving to a new country without knowing a soul and living on my own for nine months. I was scared of the new culture, the distance from home, and all of the other million unknowns.

But I packed my bags and went to France anyway.

Thankfully, the residents of my new charming French town were kind, welcoming, and provided me with an apartment, rent free. My French speaking skills improved almost overnight. Once my teaching assistantship began, I built friendships with a few of the teachers and was invited to their homes for dinner parties with authentic French cuisine- mussels, baguettes, cheeses, wines, and crepes. On the weekends I traveled. That was my favorite part of the entire experience. Spain, England, Switzerland, Italy, Portugal. Teaching wasn’t so bad either. I grew to love my students and enjoyed being part of their learning each day. Before I knew it, my time was up and I was sad to return home.

This all sounds like a great accomplishment because I conquered my fears and now I have this amazing experience to look back on, but the outcome didn’t have the same intense satisfaction you normally associate with conquering your fears. Not at all.

Instead of feeling proud of myself, I feel ashamed. I’m ashamed that the only reason I boarded the plane was because I knew it would make other people happy. I didn’t trust myself to consider how I felt or what I wanted. I was scared and the only thing that pushed me forward was knowing I wasn’t disappointing my parents and my friends.

I’ve thought about that moment a lot over the past few years. It makes me sad to realize that I let so many moments pass without making a strong, important decision for myself. I was letting fear control me and passing the responsibility off so that I wouldn’t have to own it.

This is part of the reason I chose BRAVE as my word for 2011.

I want my life to be built on my own terms. I want to follow my dreams, not my mom’s, my sister’s, or my best friend’s.

Mine.

I want to uncover my sense of self, my courage, and learn to trust my heart.

I’m hoping that at the end of these next five months I will have a firmer grasp on exactly what my dreams are and what my best life looks like. I’m hoping that, with the help of this amazing tribe of women, I will strengthen my confidence and feel a bit more sturdy when I make a decision that isn’t fully supported by those whose opinions matter most. I’m hoping that I will have embraced the idea that is my life and I need to live it boldly.

Since this is still a bit new to me, I’m starting small. Treating myself to warm baths and a good book after a long day at work. Journaling. Daydreaming. Brainstorming.

Maybe I’ll go back to school. Maybe I’ll write a book, or finally commit to those yoga teacher training classes that seem so intimidating, but full of great possibility. Maybe I’ll look into owning my own business since the goal of a private practice has been floating around my head since graduate school.

I see glimpses of how I want my future to be, filled with authentic joy and happiness. Now I just have to figure out how all of the pieces fit together.

[photo credit: SweetOnVeg]

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Following My Heart, or the Benefits of Being Selfish

posted 4th March 2010    Written by: Katie    CATEGORY: Inspiration, Katie, Season 2, Tips & Tools, Travel

I’m breaking the news to my family and friends of my move gradually.

Did I tell you guys yet? No? Oh, well, I’m moving.

If you did know this already, and you’re thinking “Yeah, Katie, we know you’re moving in February 2011″– you’re only half right. I’m moving, but much sooner than expected. Much sooner as in, within 2 months.

You could say, I’m following my heart.

Some of my friends are relatively happy about it. The majority are experiencing nothing short of surprise in epic proportions. To most of my friends I’ve become known as the girl who has big ideas, makes big plans,  but does nothing with them.

I’m really good at starting things. From spring cleaning, to a new life direction, to journals, I’ve developed a certain level of appreciation for starting things fresh and new. It’s my own personal way of alleviating past mistakes and starting with a clean slate.

However great I am at beginning, I lack the follow-through necessary to create lasting experiences. No matter how good it feels to start things, they only remain “brand new” for so long until it feels old, used, and no longer worth dedicating time to. Even during the duration of the Joy Equation, I had a very difficult time committing time to myself everyday to do self-discovery. As I mentioned before, I expected myself to fail, and it was starting to become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Because of this unfortunate habit of mine, no one really believes that I’m moving.

Even more, they believe that they can simply offer me an alternative solution that will keep me in my home state forever. How convenient for them, but really it’s an open invitation for me to not follow through on yet another set of plans.

I’d be lying if I didn’t say that their ideas weren’t tempting:

“Move in with me!”

“Move in with your aunt!”

“Just grin and bear it!”

Yes, they all sound like perfectly great ways to stand still for the rest of my life. I’ve realized that I don’t want to stand still anymore. I want to move – not only in physical location, but emotionally, mentally, and in any other way one can move; that is, in every way but backwards.

I’m leaving a lot behind in New Jersey. my family, my friends, my car, my apartment, my life. In following my heart, I’m leaving it all behind to start fresh. One of my friends got very emotional when I told him that I was moving. “Why are you being so selfish?” he said. I was speechless and really gave his accusation some thought.

Was I being selfish?  Should I be thinking more about my family and friends and their needs?

Like any awesome Generation-Y person, I instantly Googled “Selfish” prepared for some slap in the face definition that would make me realize that I was wrong, and that my true destination shouldn’t be miles away. I found this:

selfish -\ˈsel-fish\ Holding one’s self-interest as the standard for decision making.

That just solidified my decision. Shouldn’t we all be a little selfish? Try it, you just might like it.

As many of us tend to do, I’ve lived a majority of my life attempting to please others. I’m a people pleaser, which tends to be my biggest appeal and my biggest downfall. After twenty-five years of putting other’s needs and wants before mine, I want to give myself a chance. My heart has been on the backburner for such a long time, it’s just begging to be able to do what it wants to do for once.

For the first time, I’m going to listen.

One of my most difficult parts of the Joy Equation for me was the realization that I was not able to remember the last time I felt happy. I wasn’t able to answer the simple question of “Describe in detail how you feel when you are happy.”

(Hey, Molly, ask me again what makes me happy. Ask me one more time how I feel when I’m happy.)

Whenever I imagine my life according to my terms, I feel this sense of exhilaration. I feel like my world is much bigger, and my possibilities are endless. My heart races, a smile comes on my face, and I’m excited to transfer money into my savings account for the move which I have appropriately named “Road to Happiness Account”.

In these moments I am happy. In these moments I feel whole. It feels amazing not only to have life coming straight at me, but to be walking towards it with open arms.

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