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The $480 Anger Theory

posted 18th February 2010    Written by: Katie    CATEGORY: All Posts, Inspiration, Katie, Season 2, What I've Learned

I never really considered myself an angry person, so when I was seeing a therapist last year and she told me I had “anger issues”, it took all of the energy in the world not to kick her in the head walk out.

She, of course, could see the hostility in my face, and she went on to explain that I don’t have a violent anger problem;  I do the exact opposite.  I hold it in and direct it internally, which is equally as damaging – but only to myself.

She then asked me to define anger. I said something obvious like “to be mad”. She kept pushing me to refine my definition, telling me that I was naming emotions, but I needed her to shine the light on it.

“Anger is not getting what you want.”

It took me a few moments, weird looks directed at her, and thoughts about how she was a quack, but I eventually understood.

All of the times I’ve been angry, it’s been because I’ve not gotten when I wanted. Whether it was attention from a significant other, silence when I’m trying to work, or money when I’m low on funds,  it’s been because whatever I wanted, I wasn’t getting.  The anger part of it all was simply an emotion.

I had to go to the root of the problem to solve it.

That same day in therapy I made some breakthroughs and realized where my anger was coming from. It could be attributed to regressing all of my feelings from childhood. I felt kind of… free when I realized this. My therapist was super supportive too. She even “promoted me”.

“I think we should meet once a week instead of once every other week.”

It’s funny how the same words coming from a potential love interest would have me smiling from ear to ear, but coming from Dr. Mental Sortout, I felt like the slow kid in class who had to stay after school and be enrolled in “Special Gym”.

(Yes, special gym exists. My 4th grade gym teacher made me go because I wasn’t able to run a mile or bend all the way down and touch my toes like the other kids. Hello, “not being good enough” complex.)

For as long as I can remember, when I would wake up in a bad mood, or a not-so-awesome moment strikes me, I’d  instantly get huffy and puffy about it.

I hate being in a bad mood and I’m not afraid to show it, even if it means that I give the people around me little dose of New Jersey attitude. It doesn’t exactly make the situation better, but when I’m in a bad mood, I don’t want to see other people’s shining and glorious faces. It’s like eating lots and lots of candy in front of a diabetic – sad and cruel.

Especially when you’re the diabetic, or in my case the angry one.

In honor of my therapist’s brilliant breakthrough I figured I would humor her and give her whole theory a whirl. After all, I might as well make the most of that $120/hour that I’m spending on each (then weekly) session. If the reason for anger is the fact that I’m not getting what I want, then why I don’t I just, you know, get what I want. I decided that the next time that I was angry, I would try and pinpoint what it was that I wasn’t getting, and find a way to get it.

I found myself getting pretty angry at a lot of things. The house was too noisy for me to work in. Instead of screaming and yelling for quiet, I put some relaxing music on my iPod (Kenny G. Don’t Judge Me) and worked through it.

I found myself angry that I didn’t have any money to go out on a Friday night. Instead of becoming a whiny little girl, I decided to take that Friday night to find some freelance side jobs and put that money into a “Girls Night Out Fund.”

I was angry because I had a horrible headache, but had a lot of work to get done. Instead of sitting in front of the computer angry, straining my eyes and head further, and being non-productive, I took an Excedrin, took an extra little nap and e-mailed my clients and told them I was under the weather.

So, I had my anger in check. Score!

And it only took me $480/month to figure that out.

Recently I’ve found myself in more bad moods than good moods. Even the bright sunny days have me down in the dumps and wanting to disappear under the covers. According to the “Therapy Theory of Anger”, I’m apparently not getting what I want.  Surely, on rainy days, I’d rather have some sun.

However, I can’t control this. I wish I could. So, maybe it was something deeper. What the heck was it?

After some soul searching I figured it out.  When I was going through my depression last year, I spent my days just trying to get from one day to the next. Now that I’ve “come out of it’, living day to day just isn’t cutting it.

I want something else, I want more,  I’m not getting it, and I’m pissed about it.

This realization doesn’t have a solution.

But I’m working on it. Instead of sitting around wondering where the universe it going to take me, I’m taking life by the balls and making things happen. I’m saying ‘yes’ to things I typically wouldn’t.

I’ve decided to move clear across the country next year to a city I’ve never been to, and don’t know anyone in. Are these the things that I want? Maybe.

But there’s only one way to find out.

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