Archive

Remembering Who I Was

posted 27th March 2011    Written by: Juliana    CATEGORY: All Posts, Creativity, Inspiration, Juliana, Life Lesson, Season 4

The more I work on getting back in touch with the things I really love, the things that nourish my spirit and energize me, the more I realize that I used to be exactly who I want to be when I grow up.

When I was a kid, I made up songs and stories about everything from my stuffed animals to the daffodils along the sidewalk.  I set up forts in my closet and jumped from bed to chair to door to avoid the “lava” on the carpet. I did impressions and funny voices to entertain pets & family.

When I got sent to my room, I didn’t mind so much because that’s where the books were.
I laughed a lot. And I always had new ideas.

Now that I’m (supposedly) a grownup, the things I am trying to cultivate more of are writing, performing, imagination, and laughter. Coincidence?  Or was it much easier to be “myself” when I wasn’t as aware of other people?

As a child, I was floating around in my own little bubble a lot of the time. I have an older brother, but he’s about seven years older, which means we were both “only” children in a way. I spent a lot of time reading & writing, and even though I had plenty of friends, I often preferred alone time to playing in groups. Basically, I could be how I was without much influence from peer pressure.

The older I got, the more I was affected by societal expectations.  Though I was never really one of the girls, I did notice what girls were expected to be interested in, and expected to look and act like – and I noticed where I didn’t match up.  I gradually learned to confine certain hobbies & interests to their proper times and places (save the Robin Leach-style narration for Drama class, for example) instead of letting it all hang out whenever something occurred to me. Strange looks from peers and adults quickly convinced me that certain ideas, observations, and outbursts were not considered “normal”.  (I learned to pass for a regular person by keeping pretty quiet around people I wasn’t close to.)  Eventually, I learned to accept “weird” as a compliment, but still felt some shame about not being more like everyone else.

As an adult, I was supposed to have a normal, 9-5 job.  I was supposed to treat my creativity as a hobby that I might occasionally have time for.  I was supposed to be content with working at something I didn’t enjoy in order to do what I want when (if) I was able to retire.  I was supposed to want to watch three hours of “must see TV” every evening so I’d have something to talk about at the water cooler.

Well, doing all of that stuff didn’t make me happy.  And it certainly didn’t make me feel like Myself. I felt like a distorted image.  I looked and acted in a way that was mostly in line with my values…but just a little fuzzy, with the details blurred.

Part of my goal of radical self-love has been to spend more time alone to re-familiarize myself with my own mind. I have been writing in my journals a lot more, and writing for this blog has helped a bunch.  I’ve spent lots of time consciously avoiding too much input – TV, radio, social media – and instead spent some time in silence, listening to the thoughts that drift through unprompted.  I’ve found myself making up songs around the house, narrating the thoughts of my pets aloud, and reading books I’ve meant to read for a long time.   When I see my friends, I’m smiling a lot more and feeling less concerned with how I come across.  I’m sharing my authentic thoughts more easily.  I’m getting lots of great ideas about my new business.

In short, I’m becoming the person I used to be… and I like that kid a  whole bunch.

[photo credit: my dad]

(( Hey, did you know that Molly is doing a Scholarship Program right now??  If you’re going through your own Quarterlife Crisis you should definitely apply.  She’s a fun, compassionate and enthusiastic coach – an awesome person to have in your corner when you’re stuck. Go apply for the Scholarship coaching package right now!))

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Dear Me at 16

posted 14th January 2011    Written by: Alisha    CATEGORY: Alisha, All Posts, Life Lesson, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 3, What I've Learned

Dear Alisha,

I know you are having the time of your life right now.  You feel as though the world is in the palm of your hands.  And right now, you think you’ve got it all figured out: graduate from high school; go to Wake Forest; become a doctor; get married at 26 and have a kid at 28.  I hate to burst your giant bubble–and I do this out of love–but life isn’t going to work out this way.  It won’t be all bad.  But it’s going to be very different.  If you remember these few things, I think you’ll be just fine.

Yes, you’re going to go to the school of your dreams.  You will join a sorority, make life-long friends, drink your first beer and kiss a few boys.  You will have no idea why you suddenly morph into an unrecognizable version of yourself until a year later, at the age of 19, when a short Indian man tells you that you have Bipolar II.  This will forever change you life, but it will not definie it.  Through all of the ups and downs, the migraines and medications, you will learn that you are stronger than you think you are.

You spend so much energy stuffing down those emotions.  It’s okay, girl.  You are human.  You get emotional.  You don’t spend hours reading bridal magazines for no reason.  You’re a true romantic at heart.  You believe in love at first sight and fairy-tale romances.  Chick-flicks make you cry.  Don’t be afraid to show that side of yourself.  Love openly, love honestly, pour out your heart.  It may break a few times, but it’s worth it.  Love.  Love a lot.

Oh–and trust your gut, young lady.  Life is a series of gut-checks.  Remember when you were little and you thought you were psychic?  Well, you weren’t too far off.  It will take you a few more years to rediscover this, but you have a high level of intuition.  It’s why people come to you and tell you their fears and secrets.  It’s why you avoid some people like the plague and it’s why you’re drawn to others like a moth to the flame.  This is your gift.  Use it.

Dream on Dreamer.  You’ll get suckered into believing that the American Dream is the only dream.  They will tell you that you can’t be an artist and be succesfful in this life.  But deep down you know what kind of life you really want to live.  There will be some detours along the way, but don’t give up.  There is an old wooden desk, pen and paper waiting for you.  Go write some books.

Above all else, though.  Love yourself.  Please, please remember to love yourself.  Learn how to graciously accept compliments.  Never make yourself smaller than you are.  Because you are grand–and totally worthy of praise.  Love your shyness; it’s okay to be quiet.  Love your intelligence;  it will get you far.  Love your body; you only have one so please treat it with respect.

Get ready for a wild ride, my friend.

Love,

You in 10 Years

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Dear Renee, age 16

posted 25th December 2010    Written by: Renee    CATEGORY: Life Lesson, Love/Relationships, Renee, Season 3, What I've Learned

Dear Renee, age 16,

You realize how lucky you are to be living a storybook life right now. You’re in honors courses. You’re dating your best friend who plays in a pretty sweet band. You’ve got all the solos in choir and you make all the plays you audition for. Your teachers love you, your friends love you, and some of your classmates have told you that they admire you. Shit, you’re doing something right.

But know this is not as good as it gets. You are simply learning what greatness feels like, but it’s not all the greatness you’ll feel in your life. Know that your boyfriend will cheat on you with a taller, prettier version of yourself. Even though that will put you in a tailspin and on anxiety meds, know that this experience will help you realize how good of a catch you really are. This experience will teach you the lessons of heartbreak and it will teach you that putting giant chewed up jelly beans on that girl’s car is actually really funny and healing. Just not the second time. But most of all, this experience will give you a taste of how resilient you truly are. You’re only scratching the surface of your strength.

When someone all but promises you the lead in your senior musical, know that you still have to work for that audition. In the offchance that you blow it, you’ll learn that even those things that you take for granted require effort. You blow your audition and you get cast as a guy. Seriously. I wish I could make that part up. It’s the cherry on the sundae that makes you resent high school. That, coupled with all your friends graduating early, and all the drama that surrounded your break-up with aforementioned boyfriend, makes you look forward to college. And I’m telling you now, college is a bajillion times better than high school. You don’t even need anxiety meds in college (or post-college).

Listen, I know you’re on top of the world right now. You feel like everything is going in the right direction. You think you’re going to marry that boy and settle down in northern Indiana and pop out babies and go to church every weekend… but a little thing called politics and feminism will soon creep into your life. You’ll take some new media classes. You’re a smart cookie, but you’ll find a hunger for knowledge soon enough. You’ll meet a young man who listens and appreciates you for who you are and won’t try to change you. You’ll graduate high school. You’ll win awards in college. You’ll get A’s in grad school. You’re going to succeed far beyond your current dreams.

Dream bigger, lovely.

So stop passing notes in World History. Stop drinking the nights before choir competitions. Stop making out in the driver’s seat of your tiny car. You’re so much better than that. It gets so much better than that.

And when you get caught cheating on your Biology exam? You’d better feel DAMN lucky he let you retake it. Also, you’ll get a lead in Hello Dolly, so stop whining about Annie Get Your Gun.

Love,

Renee, age 24

{photo credit: D Sharon Pruitt}

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Passing notes in homeroom (or, a letter to my 16 year old self)

posted 1st December 2010    Written by: Nikki    CATEGORY: All Posts, Life Lesson, Nikki, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 3, Tips & Tools, What I've Learned

Dear Nikki aka Lauren aka Nikki-Lauren aka Lauren-Nikki aka Niklecha,

Happy sweet 16!  It’s a milestone birthday and you did it up right; you’ll never forget that party.  Remember when Amanda & Victor chugged those sodas, and the cake fight?  You slow-danced to “your song” with your first real boyfriend.  You feel like life is just beginning, and it is.

I’m writing to you from the edge of another milestone birthday – your 30th.  I know!!  You got old!! Those 14 years are an unfathomable gap to you, but they’ve given me a lot of insight that I’d like to share with you.

I know you feel like you don’t fit in with the cool kids and your best friend does, and it makes you feel self-conscious and dorky.  Bad news, love, you’ll never fit in with the cool kids.  You’re a dork.  Own it.  You being yourself, in all your crazy clothes, artsy-fartsy tendencies, and cheesy jokes, is going to get you some of the very best friends you could ever hope for. Don’t underestimate these friendships, don’t discount yourself by saying you don’t know why they like you – these people love you for you.  Know it, believe it, and hold onto it.  They will give you strength when you need it.

There will come a day when you think it’s time to “grow up” and get “adult clothes” and take things seriously, because you think someone you love expects it of you – he doesn’t.  Twenty-three is not old, and trust me, you’re going to regret giving away that vintage gingham dress.  And yes, I said “he” and “love” in the same sentence; we’ll get back to that.

Don’t hate your body, and don’t feel guilty about hating your body.  You are beautiful; stop standing in front of the mirror criticising.  It’s a waste of energy.  No one is perfect, even if they seem like they are.  In a few years, a guy will tell you you’re “stunning” every day for two months; believe it when it happens & believe it now.  Treat your body with respect, it deserves it.

You either just went to Austria or are about to go…?  Oops, spoiler alert.  :)   Either way, it instills in you a love of travel that feels desperate sometimes.  Don’t worry, you’ll travel again.  A lot.  Don’t let people tell you you’re being selfish or wasteful by traveling; it’s going to teach you invaluable lessons about yourself.  And don’t be scared; you’ll learn you’re a lot stronger than you’ve ever been given credit for.  Even if it seems like no one else sees this, know it yourself: you are strong.  You can get through whatever is put in front of you.  You’re going to need that knowledge later, big time.  Oh, and in Rome, I know the “resort” with a pool seems nice but trust me, it’s an Italian trailer park in the middle of nowhere.  Spring for a hostel.

Be nice to your brother.  He’s going through a tough time & I know you’re busy with classes and friends and theatre, but try to show him that you love him more often.  I know he annoys you right now, but he grows into a really great person that you’re proud to call your brother; get started on that early.  Your family’s going to go through some rocky times; remember that they all love you and let yourself feel what you need to feel.  Don’t worry about this now, but just know, it’s ok to be sad and angry and to need to talk to someone about it.

When you get to college, call Sara Ruffner.  She needs a friend.  It won’t change anything, but just do it.  It will make you feel better.

You want to fall in love, so badly.  You think unrequited love is the most romantic thing ever – why??? – and you’re about to find out how very not true that is.  Over and over.  Do yourself a favor & stop thinking about it; daydream about a real relationship instead.  You have a bumpy road ahead of you, where love is concerned; your first love letter comes in a really sad form, but don’t let that inform all your relationships.  It’s not your fault, it’s not your responsibility, and he’s fine now, honestly, so let it go.

You will fall in love, hard.  It will feel just as wonderful as you imagine and more terrible than you ever thought.  It will be like at first sight, and yes, he likes you back, it just takes him a while to let you know.  You won’t say “I love you” until you mean it, and you’ll take things at your own pace; I’m proud of you for that.   You will make a lot of sacrifices for him, and most of them will feel worth it, but listen to your gut and tell him what you need from him.  I know it’s really hard; you’ve never had to talk about emotional stuff before, but learn how to be honest, and be honest with yourself, too.  There will come a time when you pray and pray about what to do; don’t ignore what your gut is telling you just because it’s not what you want to hear.  This is the time to be strong and do what’s best for you, even if it feels like your heart is breaking – and will be breaking – you will be better for it.  Oh, and when the apartment becomes an issue, just break the lease; don’t play martyr.  You’ll understand when it happens.

You are allowed to change your mind.  It is ok to not do what everyone expects of you.  Drama is temporary, always; don’t get caught up in it.  There will come a time when you feel like your whole world is falling down around you, and it is, but remember it’s only making way for a new, better life.  Trust how you feel and give yourself a break.  You’re going to get a lot of grief about decisions you make; remember it’s your life, and just keep in mind it all brings you here, where I am, which is pretty good.

Remember that time you watched that show where the girl was like, “I hated who I was at 16; I wish I could just erase her” and you said to mom that you hoped you’d never feel that way & that you like the person you are & you think you’d want to be friends with her?  I still like the person you are, and I like the person you become.  Love yourself on this crazy journey, and be patient with yourself.  Don’t worry when it doesn’t look how you thought it would; believe me, you have an incredible life.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

nikki

[photo: me on my 16th birthday]

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a Future Soundbyte

posted 24th November 2010    Written by: Nikki    CATEGORY: All Posts, Inspiration, Job/Career/Work, Nikki, Season 3

The date:  November 24, 2015

The Scene: In studio for KCRW (CA local NPR station)’s live radio show “The Treatment” – interviews in Arts and Entertainment.

Welcome to The Treatment; I’m Elvis Mitchell.  Since her debut in the cult classic trilogy “Atlas Shrugged,” based on the controversial Ayn Rand book, my guest Nikki Klecha has caught the attention of audiences with memorable supporting roles in some of the last five years most notable indie films.  She’s here with us today to discuss her most recent project, the award-winning film “The Hum,” her inspirational website, and her first novel, due out early next year.  Welcome, Nikki; we’re glad to have you here.

I’m so incredibly happy to be here; thanks for having me.

Now, Nikki, your LA story is an interesting one; tell us a little bit about your journey.

Well, about six years ago, I was done with Los Angeles.  I was a burned out actor; I’d been working hard & feeling like I was getting nowhere.  I took some time out, traveled for a while –

Australia, right?

Yes, four months in Australia, which changed my perspective.  I realized, I don’t have to be miserable (laughing) I don’t need this career that frustrates me and I’m not tied to LA, there are many other things I can do to be happy; it was a revelation.  So I planned to move, sold all my furniture, and the day I sold my bed was the day I got the call that I was cast in “Atlas.”

If you love something let it go and if it comes back to you… right?

I guess so!

So, you stayed  in LA, obviously, and “Atlas Shrugged Part I” was the first time we, the movie going masses, heard of you.

Right.  The film came out in 2011 to great reviews, and the next thing I knew, doors were opening!  Things still moved relatively slowly, of course, I’m not a household name, by any means, but I just managed to ride the wave of that movie.  I was in the right place at the right time.  And with the subsequent success of Parts 2 and 3, I was able to pay off my credit cards (something every LA-actor dreams of!) and really focus on my writing, acting and building my website.

After the Atlas trilogy, you filmed “The Writers,” which gained a strong underground horror-fan following.

Yes.  That and my most recent film, “The Hum” were labors of love; all the cast and crew were friends, and I’ve known most of them since college.  They were so much fun to make.  And I must be the easiest actress to work for in the horror genre; I was honestly terrified half the time!  (laughing)

Tell us a little about the film you just mentioned, “The Hum;” it just premiered at Sundance and took home some awards, correct?

It did, yes!  That was a dream come true, going to Sundance with a film, especially one that was such a collaborative effort between friends.  I think we all feel like, finally, finally we’re hitting our stride and doing what we came here to do, after 10 years of struggle.

You also run a successful blog called The Grateful Sparrow, which I must admit, I’m a little addicted to.

Are you?  Thanks!  Yes, it’s my baby; I think of it as a daily jolt of inspiration.  I believe that we each have the power to change our lives for the better, whether it be through a large change, like quitting a job or moving, or a small change in mindset.  I hope the site helps people see that and gives them the courage and inspiration to take their next step toward a happier life.

And you’ve written a novel; have you always wanted to write, or is this a new endeavor?

Oh no, I’ve always loved writing; ever since I could read, I’ve been writing.  I just love stories.  For years now, I’ve been freelance writing – in fact, 2011 was the landmark year where I was able to not have a “day job” for the first time ever! – for various online & print publications.  I’ve always had “write a novel” on my bucket list, and now, thanks in part, I’m sure, to the attention I’ve received from the films and the blog, I have a publisher lined up and I’m finally doing it!  It will be available early next year.

And I understand we can look forward to seeing you in the next Michel Gondry film?  Can you tell us a little bit about it?

Yes!  And I am kid-on-Christmas-Eve excited!  He’s my favorite director; I love the imagination that goes into his work.  We had our first table read the other day and the storyboards are just incredible.  I don’t want to give anything away, but it’s going to be a dreamy, lovely story of friendship and the absurdities of love.  I can’t wait to start shooting.

And, as if all that isn’t enough, what’s on the horizon for you personally?

Well, I just got married and got back from a two month honeymoon; we bought around the world tickets and continent-hopped.  It was amazing.  We just bought our first house, and I’m ready to settle in, be in one place for a while, and nest.  I think I’ve earned a little down time.

Well, don’t take too long off, we’ll miss you.

(laughing) Ok I won’t.

You can catch Nikki Klecha in the award-winning film, “The Hum” in limited release nationwide, on her blog TheGratefulSparrow.com, and keep an eye out for her book next year.  Thank you so much for coming in, Nikki.

It’s been my pleasure.

[Photo: me doing a Sirius radio interview for a film I was in, "Family"]

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