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I Didn’t Ask For Any Of This

posted 11th February 2011    Written by: Katharine    CATEGORY: All Posts, Family, Job/Career/Work, Katharine, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 4, Travel, Travel/Adventure

I remember the moment like it happened yesterday.

It was a Tuesday morning in March and I was laying on my bathroom floor in the fetal position, sobbing uncontrollably.  My entire body felt numb, I couldn’t stop crying, and all I thought was, “I just want to stop feeling this way.” I had spiraled into my second bout of depression, this one much uglier than the first.  I knew why I was crying, why I felt numb, and why – for a split second – I was contemplating suicide, but I didn’t want to admit it.  Because when you admit something and put it out there, it becomes real.

It’s scary admitting I have contemplated suicide once in my life, but I know I would never go through with it.  My father killed himself when I was 12 years old and I was the one who found him.  At the time, I didn’t understand suicide or the kind of impact it would have on a child.

Even at 27 I still don’t understand it, but I know how emotionally damaging and soul-crushing it is to lose a father at such a young age.  The image has scarred me permanently.

I’ve been fighting depression on and off for the last eight years.  My first battle occurred in June 2003.  I was a Sophomore in college, trying to get out of an abusive relationship, and my mother had just passed away.  My world shattered instantly. I lost my mother, I had no father, I left my boyfriend, and I nearly failed school because I was too depressed to get out of bed, let alone go to class.

As I was laying on the bathroom floor that morning in March, images of my parents flashed through my head.  Moments of happiness.  Scenes from my childhood.  Memories of us laughing together.  Seven years of not grieving properly for my mother, and 15 years of not properly grieving for my father had finally caught up to me.

It takes courage to seek professional help.

“I need help,” I whispered.  I had finally said it out loud.  Even if I was the only one who heard it, I put it out there and it became real. I knew right then and there that it was time for me to work through my pain of loneliness and depression.

Two days later, I had an appointment with a therapist.

I wasn’t going to apply for a Season 4 Blogger position because I thought I had already conquered my Quarterlife Crisis. At the age of 25, I beat my battle with cervical cancer and was in remission, my nonprofit organization was successful and making strong profits, and I had survived the loss of both of my parents.  I had my life on track, a solid career path, and I knew what I wanted.

Looking back on all of it, and seeing where I am right now, I realize that I wasn’t dealing with a Quarterlife Crisis; I was dealing with a series of unfortunate life events.  Losing my parents.  Getting cancer.  It can happen to anyone, at any point in their lives.

Why did it happen to me at such a young age?  I’m still trying to figure that out.

I thought my run of bad luck was over, but then my law firm announced dissolution in December.  Two weeks before Christmas, the Managing Partner took me into his office and told me not to come back after the holiday.  I was devastated.  I took for granted the comfort and security that comes with having a full-time job that provides health insurance, a retirement fund, and free coffee every day (hey, it’s the little things).

If that wasn’t enough, my nonprofit was suffering from the terrible economy, clients decided they weren’t going to support us for 2011 because they didn’t have the funds, and my volunteers resigned.  When it rains, it pours.  Once again, my world shattered instantly and I felt like a complete failure.

Winston Churchill said:

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”

I joke with my friends about how I feel like I’m 45 trapped in a 27 year old body.  I feel like I’ve been through hell and back, and you know what?  It sucks.  I’m in the midst of my Quarterlife Crisis, but I’m determined to come out on top.

For the first time in my life, I have no commitments, no deadlines, and nothing holding me back from living life on my own terms. So, I’m going to make the most of this tragic situation and turn it into an incredible opportunity. I‘m going to spend as much time as I want teaching English and traveling the world, and the most exciting thing is that I get to share this journey with you over the next six months.

New experiences, fresh opportunities, beautiful sights, amazing discoveries, and lots of soul-searching.

My goals for these six months:

1. Get certified to teach English. The 4-week program is going to be very intense and rigorous, and from what alums have said, it’s very bootcamp-like.

2. Embrace my fears, doubts, and insecurities as I spend the next six months living abroad on my own. I don’t like emotions and I’m very good at pushing negative feelings away, so I really want to work on this.

So, here I am, calling on you – my readers, my friends, my Season 4 ‘sisters,’ and Molly – to keep me accountable.  With a huge life-changing event such as this one, comes tons of emotions, insecurities, fear, and doubt. I’m trying to brace myself for what comes next, but I’m hoping you can support and push me as I work to complete these goals by the end of my Stratejoy adventure.

It’s going to be one hell of a journey, so sit back and enjoy the ride.

[Note from Coach Molly: Damn, Kate.  I knew all of this, but to watch it come out in one big massive post, tears me up and my heart wells at what a rough go it's been for you.  But I know you are strong, and even more importantly, you are open to hope.  And new opportunity.  And grace.  You are facing your life and this next adventure with courage I can only hope to have.  I will so be here beside you (or across the ocean from you!) to support you through your goals.  Especially that lovely embrace of your hard stuff.  We are all going to be here for you.]

[photo credit: Leonard John Matthews]

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a Future Soundbyte

posted 24th November 2010    Written by: Nikki    CATEGORY: All Posts, Inspiration, Job/Career/Work, Nikki, Season 3

The date:  November 24, 2015

The Scene: In studio for KCRW (CA local NPR station)’s live radio show “The Treatment” – interviews in Arts and Entertainment.

Welcome to The Treatment; I’m Elvis Mitchell.  Since her debut in the cult classic trilogy “Atlas Shrugged,” based on the controversial Ayn Rand book, my guest Nikki Klecha has caught the attention of audiences with memorable supporting roles in some of the last five years most notable indie films.  She’s here with us today to discuss her most recent project, the award-winning film “The Hum,” her inspirational website, and her first novel, due out early next year.  Welcome, Nikki; we’re glad to have you here.

I’m so incredibly happy to be here; thanks for having me.

Now, Nikki, your LA story is an interesting one; tell us a little bit about your journey.

Well, about six years ago, I was done with Los Angeles.  I was a burned out actor; I’d been working hard & feeling like I was getting nowhere.  I took some time out, traveled for a while –

Australia, right?

Yes, four months in Australia, which changed my perspective.  I realized, I don’t have to be miserable (laughing) I don’t need this career that frustrates me and I’m not tied to LA, there are many other things I can do to be happy; it was a revelation.  So I planned to move, sold all my furniture, and the day I sold my bed was the day I got the call that I was cast in “Atlas.”

If you love something let it go and if it comes back to you… right?

I guess so!

So, you stayed  in LA, obviously, and “Atlas Shrugged Part I” was the first time we, the movie going masses, heard of you.

Right.  The film came out in 2011 to great reviews, and the next thing I knew, doors were opening!  Things still moved relatively slowly, of course, I’m not a household name, by any means, but I just managed to ride the wave of that movie.  I was in the right place at the right time.  And with the subsequent success of Parts 2 and 3, I was able to pay off my credit cards (something every LA-actor dreams of!) and really focus on my writing, acting and building my website.

After the Atlas trilogy, you filmed “The Writers,” which gained a strong underground horror-fan following.

Yes.  That and my most recent film, “The Hum” were labors of love; all the cast and crew were friends, and I’ve known most of them since college.  They were so much fun to make.  And I must be the easiest actress to work for in the horror genre; I was honestly terrified half the time!  (laughing)

Tell us a little about the film you just mentioned, “The Hum;” it just premiered at Sundance and took home some awards, correct?

It did, yes!  That was a dream come true, going to Sundance with a film, especially one that was such a collaborative effort between friends.  I think we all feel like, finally, finally we’re hitting our stride and doing what we came here to do, after 10 years of struggle.

You also run a successful blog called The Grateful Sparrow, which I must admit, I’m a little addicted to.

Are you?  Thanks!  Yes, it’s my baby; I think of it as a daily jolt of inspiration.  I believe that we each have the power to change our lives for the better, whether it be through a large change, like quitting a job or moving, or a small change in mindset.  I hope the site helps people see that and gives them the courage and inspiration to take their next step toward a happier life.

And you’ve written a novel; have you always wanted to write, or is this a new endeavor?

Oh no, I’ve always loved writing; ever since I could read, I’ve been writing.  I just love stories.  For years now, I’ve been freelance writing – in fact, 2011 was the landmark year where I was able to not have a “day job” for the first time ever! – for various online & print publications.  I’ve always had “write a novel” on my bucket list, and now, thanks in part, I’m sure, to the attention I’ve received from the films and the blog, I have a publisher lined up and I’m finally doing it!  It will be available early next year.

And I understand we can look forward to seeing you in the next Michel Gondry film?  Can you tell us a little bit about it?

Yes!  And I am kid-on-Christmas-Eve excited!  He’s my favorite director; I love the imagination that goes into his work.  We had our first table read the other day and the storyboards are just incredible.  I don’t want to give anything away, but it’s going to be a dreamy, lovely story of friendship and the absurdities of love.  I can’t wait to start shooting.

And, as if all that isn’t enough, what’s on the horizon for you personally?

Well, I just got married and got back from a two month honeymoon; we bought around the world tickets and continent-hopped.  It was amazing.  We just bought our first house, and I’m ready to settle in, be in one place for a while, and nest.  I think I’ve earned a little down time.

Well, don’t take too long off, we’ll miss you.

(laughing) Ok I won’t.

You can catch Nikki Klecha in the award-winning film, “The Hum” in limited release nationwide, on her blog TheGratefulSparrow.com, and keep an eye out for her book next year.  Thank you so much for coming in, Nikki.

It’s been my pleasure.

[Photo: me doing a Sirius radio interview for a film I was in, "Family"]

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My Quick Life Story in Video

posted 12th April 2010    Written by: Molly Mahar    CATEGORY: Inspiration, Job/Career/Work, Molly, Travel

Well this little gem was meant for a contest over at Spring Inspire but due to technical difficulties and an impromteu trip to the mountains/river/lovely town of Index, I missed the deadline.

Shite.

Thought I’d share with you!   It’s a bit about my story and how I got to where I am now…  High-school goody two shoes, Quarterlife Crisis, Backpacking Trip around the world and inspiration behind Stratejoy all included.

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Craving Something… Anything… Meaningful

posted 13th July 2009    Written by: Robyn    CATEGORY: All Posts, Quarterlife Crisis, Robyn, Season 1

INTRODUCING ROBYN

This is how I got to where I am…

robyn-post-1

Come along for the rest of the ride!

Being a natural-born planner and a self-defined overachiever, I believe my Quarterlife Crisis began early—at age 22.  I had graduated college with a journalism degree and a women’s studies degree (don’t ask me what I planned on doing with this, because I have no answer).  I immediately packed up my bedroom at my parents’ house and moved to downtown Chicago, living right in the heart of Lakeview in a gorgeous Victorian 3-flat.

I interviewed relentlessly, and I landed a job as a supply-chain-something-or-other at Kellogg Company.  I began the job with a shining attitude—I arrived early, I dressed up, I left late, I conversed with my coworkers. I had a dreadful one hour commute to and from work everyday (think opening traffic jam scene of Office Space) that eventually weighed on me by day #6.

My lack of stimulating work also started weighing on me. I spent most of my time zoning out in front of excel sheets and taking long lunch breaks—sometimes to my car where I could nap in my backseat (sad, pathetic…funny looking back at it).

Being unchallenged and unmotivated, I questioned whether this is what my work life would be like…and if it was…damn…I needed more time to have fun before settling down with this.

After three months, I realized all my planning and over-achieving had gotten me nowhere.  I quit my job, dropped my lease in Chicago and bought a flight to Sydney, Australia. I backpacked up the East Coast of Australia.  I did things I never thought I’d do: learned to surf, kayaked with dolphins, sailed the wide open ocean, snorkeled with jelly fish (eek!), camped on a deserted island, went white water rafting, and of course, made friends with kangaroos and koalas.

I was on a roll!  I couldn’t get enough, so I went over to New Zealand to go black water rafting through caves, hike on glaciers, and chicken out on bungee jumping.

I returned to Chicago three months later, completely revived with fresh ideas.  I felt like a new person–less concerned with structure and planning and more concerned with just “seeing what happens” and “going with the flow.” Slowly, I fell back into the pattern that society demands…I began the job hunt again–this time believing I knew more about what i was looking for, but found that all I could think about was how huge the world was and how little I had seen.

I was now stuck with a travel bug that would haunt me during my next job.

I received an offer to work at a marketing firm downtown with a salary bigger than I ever imagined starting with.  I immediately decided I would love the job and decided to buy a condo and settle down in Chicago, subconsciously knowing I needed an anchor to keep me still.

Whenever I daydreamed about exploring the world, I pushed it to the back of my mind and told myself, “Now you are working for a global company.  If you put in your time now…I bet you can work anywhere in the world!”  Some how I managed to lie to myself and make myself believe—there’s talent!

This brings me to my current point in life.

I am now working a job that takes up the majority of my time and manages to leave me unfulfilled and unchallenged no matter what kind of work I request.  I crave something—anything meaningful.  I crave a challenge, and most of all, (If this is what the corporate world is like) I crave calling my own shots and not answering to “the man.” I am on the verge of quitting my job, trying to sell my condo, possibly going back to school, and possibly starting my own business.

I expect hiccups along the way, but I’m up for the challenge—obviously!

robyn-bio1

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Dreaming about the Golden Ticket

posted 1st December 2008    Written by: Molly Mahar    CATEGORY: All Posts, Inspiration, Molly, What I've Learned

I’m a dreamer.  I love imagining my big, bright, wonderful future. And I absolutely believe there is value in having those visions as a source of inspiration & motivation.  That said, being a dreamer can also be a hindrance to actually living that big, bright, wonderful life.  At least in my case…

The trouble with my dreaming is that I’d always held the idea that one day, I was going to just stumble upon that bright future. I ‘d trip over it one sunny morning and “Kabam!”– dreams come true!

I was letting my life hinge on some big event that I had no control over, pining away for the elusive Golden Ticket from Willy Wonka.  I desperately wanted to hear,

Read more…

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